AIBU about MIL coming round almost every Sunday for dinner

[ML5]

FIL died in February of this year. Last 4 months DH has been inviting his mum (MIL) round for dinner almost every Sunday without checking with me first. I did say to DH to check with me first or at least let me know before he tells his mum but he thinks I am being unreasonable & he wants her to get out of the house more than anything, but I just want my Sundays or most of them to be given a chance to relax as I work during the week.

So AIBU about this or is DH?

It’s great DH is looking out for his mum every week but break this habit now before it becomes the norm - he’s not informing you that she’s coming round so don’t inform him that this week you’re going out to do your own thing so he’ll have to cook for and entertain his mum all by himself.

This would annoy me too and now the standard has been set that she looks forward to coming over for a Sunday dinner with none of the shopping or actually cooking it or the massive cleaning up afterwards.

You have a new options. Tell your DH he is cooking next Sunday. Just make some sandwiches instead of cooking anything, or just going out - make plans to see a friend or go to gym and let your DH know you won’t be around. Mostly likely your mother in law only wants to see her son anyway so I don’t see any of these being an issue. You could cycle between each of these things!

It sounds like you usually do more than DH at home which is a separate issue. If you do all the cooking and tidying up every Sunday, did you resent that before MIL started joining you? Or is it her coming over specifically that's the issue?
There are lots of good suggestions here. It doesn't have to be a roast, it doesn't have to be Sunday, it doesn't have to be you
But I do think taking care of your MIL in bereavement is the right thing to do. That's what families are and do, they scoop up and hold each other when their world is falling apart. If you can't lean on your family then you really are alone

I haven’t read the full thread but this from @BinBadger is spot on IMO.
I can never fully relax if other people are in my house (other than DH and DC), even my parents who don’t need any entertaining or hosting at all, so I fully understand that it is not just a couple of potatoes.

If at all possible, I would try to steer it away from becoming a Sunday routine, because it then becomes harder to break or have any flexibility if your MIL ends up using it as a crutch.
DH could still keep it weekly but mix up the days. If you can afford it, get a takeaway, for a meal.

It’s not unreasonable to want your Sunday to be a time to chill and relax. It sounds like all the pressure is on you and you are not getting any support.

All the posters saying that it’s only 4 months are not taking into account that it’s also 4 months out of your life as well. If your dh wants to see his mum every week, then he can also go to her house or take her out for something to eat. I would try to be weaning it down before it becomes a permanent thing.

It’s silly to say how would you feel if it was your mum, because it’s not. My mil is high maintenance and needs you to constantly talk to her and entertain her. My mother on the other hand is happy just to watch some tv and try to tidy up after you cook for her. Personality makes all the difference!

Wtf is this ‘entertainment’ people speak of? Don’t you just have general conversations like normal people do? Why the drama of ‘entertaining’? What do you do? Dress up and put on a skit for her? Just be normal ffs!

My dad died 10 days ago. They were married 55 years. My mum has never lived alone. My brother has just done an overnight stay with her. His wife sent him with a load of homemade food because she is understanding and compassionate. If they lived nearer she would be cooking every week for her.

I don't think you're mean OP. Entertaining someone every week with no say in the matter is hard work.

In your shoes, I'd start going out by myself every other Sunday and leave them to it. No cooking etc. Go for the whole day. Take up hiking or visiting National Trust properties, or the gym etc. That way you get your time and DH can still look after his Mum.

Two less its MIL and SIL, so possibly doubling the space and timings needed.

Youre over simplifying. why nit bring their lsundry over too?

Great you dont mind cooking extra. How many extra people can I bring round every week?

This “you’re cooking dinner regardless, just add one person” attitude is a bit weird and retro.

The DH should be cooking and cleaning up too, whether or not his mum is there!!

It’s not about being “mean” to his mum, it’s about sharing the load when times are good and when times are tough. So I’m with you, OP.

My mil does similar. She is really lonely since fil died even though she has lots of friends.
Some weeks mil comes over fri, sat and Sunday for dinner! It does my head in even though I feel sorry for her and she’s nice. I just carry on normally and do whatever I need to. Even leaving her to everyone else while I go out for an after dinner walk.

The fact you do all the cooking etc is the problem. Does your dh pretend he’s incapable when it comes to housework?

Aside from that you can both support her in other ways. DH can take her out for coffee or cinema. Go round to her place with a takeaway. You don’t have to have her for lunch every Sunday.

What is your husband actually doing during the time you are 'hosting' her? Is he in another room from her, or are you just making it sound more effort than it is for a meal you are making anyway? If she is just sitting there and you are chatting while you cook, it is hardly an effort for a close family member. How is your marriage otherwise? I can't help feeling that if everything was rosy, you would want to do this for him and you would be encouraging him to get her over.

Since my dad died last November, husband and I have been to my mum's almost every weekend and spent a full day cleaning and gardening. She doesn't cook for us, so it is truly a labour of love. My husband has never once complained, quite the opposite, he does it to support me because he loves me. She couldn't drive at the time my dad died because of an injury. Since she got mobile again, we still go there but she has also been to us for Sunday lunch. Husband does everything those days. He is enjoying getting to know my mum better than he ever did while dad was around, and is very clear that for this year at least, getting her stable and sorted to live safely on her own after 60 years of marriage is the priority. We had his mum and stepdad living with us for 3 months at one point after she had a hip replacement. These are the parts of a marriage where you take the rough with the smooth, lift each other up, not make it harder.

You’re being selfish. Your husband lost his dad and his mum lost her life partner — and you're upset about one Sunday dinner a week? He’s trying to help his grieving mum and stay close to her, and you’re acting like it’s a massive imposition. It’s dinner. With his mother. The way you're reacting makes it seem like you don’t see his family as your family — and that’s pretty cold. Have some compassion.

Make DH pull his weight more!!

Yes. And OP hasn’t said she has no sympathy or she doesn’t want to cook.
I’m retired now but I worked F/T for 35+ years in a demanding job and having every Sunday spoken for would have been a nightmare.

Would your MIL like to be taken out by your dh instead some weeks? Eg for lunch at a garden centre?

Missing the point 👎

Missing the point 👎

Missing the point 👎

What do you mean entertain?
Are you running a quiz night, karaoke, wine and cheese session?

Or are you sitting in your living room watching tv with your family and she is there?

Would you not be cooking or cleaning anyway?

Why can't you ask her "hey Liz would you mind sticking the dishwasher on then watch some tv..I've got a sore back and want to soak in the bath for half an hour"

Why can't you just move around your house as normal?

Maybe the problem is you are thinking of her as a guest that needs special treatment instead of just your husbands mum

I’ve read all your posts. The answer surely is for DH to do the cooking and entertaining, not to stop asking her over. Maybe you and he can
alternate the cooking and cleaning up. Maybe once a month you can meet a friend out

Missing the point 👎

Ask her if she'd like to cook, especially if she's a good cook - she might actually miss making a family dinner? Invite her somewhere? Make her feel included without it feeling like a chore? Sounds like you have a caring DH.

Lovely? He’s a twat!

I have Rtft.
I wouldn't like to give up every Sunday to entertain, as she is grieving I would invite her on a Friday evening and DH can take her to a carvery one Sunday a month.

Never mind that - there are 3 other siblings - where are they in this rota??