AIBU about MIL coming round almost every Sunday for dinner

[ML5]

FIL died in February of this year. Last 4 months DH has been inviting his mum (MIL) round for dinner almost every Sunday without checking with me first. I did say to DH to check with me first or at least let me know before he tells his mum but he thinks I am being unreasonable & he wants her to get out of the house more than anything, but I just want my Sundays or most of them to be given a chance to relax as I work during the week.

So AIBU about this or is DH?

It's the expectation/obligation OP, I get it, but I also would want to support my MIL in your shoes. I would be mixing it up, no more cooking Sunday dinner every week, start suggesting some outings instead. Garden centres, National Trust type places, that sort of thing, it will get MIL out and about and stop you feeling like Cinderella stuck in the kitchen. If you do have to cook when you get home do something simple and delegate some tasks to DH and MIL so it's not all on you.

Over time you can maybe drop out of some of the outings and let DH take MIL out so you get a break and some time to yourself. Don't just passively let this become the norm though, it's within your power to change so take the lead and do something different.

It's good that he's seeing her regularly but not in a way that adds expectations to you and adds to workload. He needs to mix things up- going to hers, going out, cooking himself.

It's easy for something like this starting off with gold intentions to get stuck.as an impractical routine.

Oooh, I’d love a medal if you’re offering, thanks!

My point was that I am in the same position.

You sound like you don't care. Like you don't really like your MIL. I lost my mum 4 months ago and can't accept it. It will be a million times worse for your MIL who has lost her husband.
Perhaps she sees other family on other days. It's once a week, not every day.
I see my dad twice a week and that includes him coming for tea. If my DH had a problem with it I'd tell him to fuck off.. Similarly we have his mum for tea once a week (she lost her husband 14 years ago) and I don't have a problem with that either.

I mean they aren't divorced so your statement is irrelevant. On a normal Sunday she'd be cooking for just one less person?

I personally tend to cook a lot more than DH as he's busy with work

Can you suggest they do some things together? Then you get a rest/ he sees his mum

Well I’m happy my DH was delighted to host my parents every week for Sunday lunch. He did the cooking. He also has a stressful job with long hours. But he loved my parents. He never saw it as a chore.
But that’s my DH and my parents. You obviously do resent it. So tell your husband if he wants him mother over he has to step up. He needs to be the one to entertain her. He needs to be the one to tend to her needs. And maybe suggest that you both go round to hers on occasion?

This is great advice. My MIL had been very hostile towards me but being widowed and getting older she (was forced to) mellow a little.

We had her over to dinner once a week. She lived a half an drive away, so my DH collected her whilst I prepared a weekday dinner. Sometimes, it was more elaborate, others it was heating up freezer food. It was very much take us as you find us. If I'm honest, I think she really loved the hour time alone in the car with my DH.

Both she and DH were early risers at the weekend, so Saturday or Sunday he would take her to the supermarket and share a coffee. By the time he got back we were still finish breakfast.

Looking back it worked well because she felt included but it didn't feel as it was the burden on the family.

Switch Sunday to a weekday night - doesn't have to be a set night, make less hosting and more her mucking with a family dinner. Perhaps even go out for a Sunday roast once in a while.

What’s your DH doing whilst you’re cooking and entertaining?

I’ve brought my mother over to our house for a roast lunch nearly every Sunday since my father died 5 years ago (with the only exception being when we’re on holiday). I wouldn’t tolerate my husband trying to interfere with this - and fortunately he isn’t that type of person.

If you would be cooking exactly the same meal anyway, I think it would be very mean to exclude your MIL. And you don’t need to ‘host’ someone who comes every Sunday.

If this was my mom I too would invite her, and I wouldn’t check with my dh, because he would understand and be empathetic. Ybu and selfish

Having her around for dinner once a week on Sunday is pretty normal in some families. Now that she's recently bereaved, it's kind to have her or start this tradition, assuming she's a generally reasonable guest.

Make it easier for yourself though. If DH doesn't want to cook, order dinner in. Or make something really easy like a roast or bolognaise or something. No need for dessert or anything fancy.

Then tell him to pull his weight. Make plans with friends next Sunday and he can cook and clean.

My dad died two months ago. I go to mum’s house every Friday for dinner. On Sundays she goes to see one of my i
sisters and she sees another sister on Mondays. Recently though she has been struggling and I am going to increase the amount of time I spend with her. She has never lived alone and has lost her husband of over 50 years. I never ask my husband’s permission to do these things as it would never cross my mind he would begrudge me any time at all with my mum - regardless of the recent loss of my father. By all means suggest he does the cooking, but my god show some sympathy and compassion for the people you say you love.

my mum already cries because she doesn’t want to be a burden. Imagine if in the middle of the heart breaking soul destroying grief we either directly or indirectly told her she was a burden. I despair at the world and how selfish and self-focused it has become.

Yanbu. It’s unfair that you have to act as hostess every Sunday, especially without always being notified. Maybe suggest every other week and if he still wants to get her out the house then he can take her out somewhere on his own on the alternate weekends so that you can have time and space to relax.

But that is different type of problem. Why are you doing all the housework?

YANBU. It is exhausting having to work all week and then entertain every single weekend.

You can't really tell her not to come, this soon after FIL dying. But the compromise is that your DH takes over cooking and cleaning. Or you alternate. He needs to compromise in some sort of way, or else it is incredibly unfair.

Thoughtless men who add to a woman's work without asking or meeting in the middle with help are awful. He is just expecting you to paste on a smile no matter what and get on with it. He can learn how stressful it is cooking and cleaning for an additional person.

It's not like when it's just family and it doesn't matter if the food goes a bit wrong or you want to do beans on toast. You have to be a performing seal.

If he's that concerned about his mums wellbeing, he can contribute to caring for it.

You going to your mums house every week is completely different than bringing your mum to your house and expecting your DH to cook and clean for her every Sunday.

You can't compare the two.

After 16 dinners, MIL should be saying that this week, she's treating you to a carvery.
Does she ever bring wine, chocs, flowers? Bereavement doesn't mean she loses good manners too.

At the very least OP, as you cook, your husband should do all the washing up and cleaning the kitchen as well, while you rest.
When my mother died, dad would never have come for lunch each week without reciprocating. He'd say he was taking us to the Nags Head this Sunday and ask me to book it.
It's a two way street.

As you are cooking anyway, it makes no extra work at all unless you count having to peel an extra potato as work?

And what do you mean by saying you, "have to dine"? Are you having to arrange a tablescape on a 20 foot mahogany table? What a lot of airs and graces you give yourself in an effort to portray yourself as poor little orphan Annie.

And how are you entertaining her?

Sticking a feather up your arse and stilt walking?
Shooting balls out of your fanny, a la Phoenix Nights?
Making notes on War and Peace in order to discuss it with her in great depth?

OR

Chatting to her.

You sound like a mean hearted little person and I imagine that your husband is now seeing this for himself, so I shouldn't worry-you'll soon be serving up a dinner for one and entertaining yourself by gimping away yourself to on the sofa.

If you don't think he isn't noticing your compressed little walnut heart, then you are a muppet.

One day, your mum might be widowed and I hope he takes the same attitude as you have done, although I imagine you will have seen his heels long before that happens.

Peel an extra spud-or make him peel the extra spud- and talk to the woman.

Your situation is different though - you’re not imposing your mum on your husband’s personal space every weekend and expecting him to cook her a meal when he could do with the weekend to relax. That should require agreement. You going to spend time with your grieving and lonely mum doesn’t require permission (as it shouldn’t) because it’s not the same thing.

Your dh has lost his dad too, maybe he needs to connect x

As someone who lost their hubby let me share with you what it's like. You lose your partner, it's crushing. You lose your future it's devastating. You dont want to be here on your own.

Cut her some slack. She is your family too you know and if you were already cooking what's the big deal?

Get to know her better. Use the time to relax too. Get ger to treat your house loike her own. She can make her own drink etc. She will be massively grateful.

What responsibility?! She's doing the cooking

EVERY Sunday, it's not discussed with you and your doing all the cooking?! It's a no from me. Can't he cook? Can't you go out. It's all very tying