AIBU about MIL coming round almost every Sunday for dinner

[ML5]

FIL died in February of this year. Last 4 months DH has been inviting his mum (MIL) round for dinner almost every Sunday without checking with me first. I did say to DH to check with me first or at least let me know before he tells his mum but he thinks I am being unreasonable & he wants her to get out of the house more than anything, but I just want my Sundays or most of them to be given a chance to relax as I work during the week.

So AIBU about this or is DH?

When I cook dinner. I cook it for myself, DH and my 3 DC. So basically 5 of us

Were you doing all the cooking and cleaning on a Sunday before this started? I wouldn’t think with a roast she has added any additional cooking or cleaning requirements? And if you didn’t always do a roast just do whatever you would normally do as she just wants the company. You come across really cold hearted.

Sitting on his arse talking to his mother

If he is talking to his mother, who is OP entertaining?

This! I think it's fine he invites his Mum round. However if you don't feel like cooking a huge meal don't. If you want to arrange something else and go out do. Stop being hostess and make sure your DH knows its his job to entertain if he invites someone round.

‘entertaining’ in this context means welcoming, hosting, cooking and seeing that someone’s needs are met.

It’s not an easy situation. Four months in is probably when she will be at her most vulnerable and lonely, the immediate love and sympathy she will have had will be fading as everyone gets on with their lives, but she will still be in the thick of it. I agree you need to make time and be kind.
But - and it’s a big one - be aware that in her coming every Sunday and you doing the cooking and prep and hosting etc can very easily become a set in stone pattern that is very draining in the long term. My dad died 19! years ago and my mum started going to either my sister or me every single Sunday. She still does. It’s lovely to have that ritual and generational connection but it can be very limiting too. We both work 5 days a week, have dc, including one with profound sen, and have very little time and energy outside of routine demands. Add in every Sunday afternoon being given over to cooking and clearing up and to a degree entertaining, and it’s not at all easy to fit in any down time, and spontaneous fun. But that’s the pattern now, and I accept it won’t change 🤷🏻‍♀️

The issue is your DH not doing the cooking or entertaining. Stop this. Then he will have no choice. Why have you taken on this role of being the cook and cleaner in the first place? That is your problem

I’m astounded at the number of PPs who assume your husband should do what he wants without consulting you. It’s your own house and home but you don’t get a say in who visits and eats there? He should absolutely consult you first.

Can he not start mixing it up a bit before it becomes an expectation?

Maybe every other week and the alternative Sundays he can go to hers or take her out for a drive/walk? This way she gets different scenarios including being at her house since it's not an assumption Sunday's means she's out of her house?

You need to chat to DH now about this. It will benefit all of you.

Would you prefer to be out and about on a Sunday, if so could you compromise and do this every other week?

So why are you stressing about being a MIL?! Stop guilt tripping the OP.

Yeah, so you don’t cook for your MIL but OP expect to. 🙄

I think this is an important point.
I think I’d be unavailable half the Sundays.

It’s easy because he’s not the one doing the caring, he’s outsourcing it to OP.

Only on MN does a woman slavering in a hot kitchen and running around her MIL mean that her husband is the ‘caring’ one. 🙄

I have some sympathy with her-she's bereaved and lonely.

Your husband should be thinking of you more though and not making France gestures which leave you to do be cooking for everyone. Suggest a new plan, eg

Sunday 1 he cooks at yours
Sunday 2 you go out somewhere-cafe/walk/picnic
Sunday 3 you visit her
Sunday 4 off

He's not being fair on you if his plan involves you doing all the work.

He’d be happy to cook and entertain every single week?! So he never gets a Sunday to relax.

MIL passed away 5 years ago. When she used to stay with us, I'd cook for her. I cooked for everyone when making breakfast/lunch/dinner. Arguably my DH and DC would contribute with the washing up

I feel for her that she’s recently lost her husband and your DH has lost his dad but why on earth are you doing all the cooking, cleaning and hosting? Your DH at least, should be contributing!
I’d be making that perfectly clear to him and if he doesn’t listen, just stop doing it. Go out by yourself/go out for lunch/order a takeaway.
I certainly wouldn’t be clearing the kitchen etc afterwards!

Gosh, we live near both sets of parents (although 1 of them is dead) and invite them all for tea pretty much every Sunday routinely. Mostly to maintain a close bond between our DCs and their GPs and we saw my GPs weekly when I was a child so seems normal to me.

I don’t martyr myself though- at this time of year I just do a cold picky tea with crusty bread, potato salad, cold meats etc and in winter do sausage and mash or maybe a roast but have no qualms about taking lazy short cuts such as Aunt Bessie’s Yorkshire pudding and frozen mashed potato etc. No doubt some MN would be horrified but life’s too short in my view and I’d rather spend the extra time talking to the family than stuck in the kitchen.

So now you’re on a mission to make the OP the family cook?

My reply stands.

😁

Agreed! I’ve got quite wound up with this thread and I don’t know why. Probably because I was bullied by an ex DH in the past until I realised that bullies only bully when you let them.
I Have responded to a few posts with ‘Missing the point’ which I regret now - bit childish of me to scroll through and do that - but there are so many!
Other posters have criticised OP and added that they recently lost someone which is very sad.
I hope OP reads the helpful, sensible posts and ignores the ones who criticise her.

Next time she's invited to dinner have a strategic illness and take to your bed in the morning. He either cooks the dinner or he cancels his Mum's visit.

You get a day in bed either way. Repeat as required.