To never tell partner I love him?

[Takinitgottobserd]

Is it weird? I have never told him I love him, and he's never told me he loves me. I do love him, completely. My parents never told me they loved me growing up, and I never told them, but there was absolutely no doubt that we all did.

I spoke to him yesterday and a friend commented that she always told her DH she loved him every time she said bye, and did I not do the same. I said I’d never said it and nor had my DP, and she found it mind blowing.

Is it that strange?

We have houses, not flats.

I do indeed hope we’ll both still be happy in 25 years’ time.

Do you really think that if you don’t live together and have kids that you might as well stop having sex and just be friends?

No of course not, you are misunderstanding me- or maybe I’m not being clear.

Of course you can have a committed happy relationship without living together and having kids, etc.

All I mean is you keep saying you know how he feels and that he loves you and he’s long term committed. But you haven’t asked him, he hasn’t told you, and his actions - while lovely- haven’t specified either way in terms of whether this is long term or not for him. So I just wonder how you can know without actually asking?

I suppose I’m struggling to understand how it couldn’t be intended to be long term. It’s just obvious. Does anyone who’s been in a faithful, happy relationship for five years think ‘I’ll just give this another few months then bin it’?

He is quite obviously not intending on going anywhere.

Fair enough; if you’re sure you’re sure. If I were you though I think I would just ask him x

Let's face it there are no guarantees in life are there.

Someone could say I love you numerous times a day and still have their head turned by someone else, up and leave without any warning. We're all working on trust.

Relationships are a form of contract and in the best cases the terms of the contract are clear, agreed and enacted, until such time as the contract doesn't work for one or other of the people.

that's the logic, and in fact within your 'contract' with your partner, if you both have the tacit agreement that you don't need to say the words "I love you" because it isn't your style, you don't need to, you don't feel comfortable etc, then that's fine and your life is in harmony,

but it shouldn't come as a complete surprise that there are all flavours of relationships with many needs that don't align to your needs. If it is so baffling and incomprehensible to you that other people have other needs that don't match your needs, it hints at neurodivergence not to be able to fathom that reality.

It sounds like you could both use some counselling and are quite emotionally unavailable.

5 years isn't desperately long, it's weird to me that you never had that 'wow I really love this person's moment and the urge to tell them. It feels really cold.

It wasn't said much when I was a kid and I always wanted to hear it. Kids like to be directly told things. I tell my babies how much I love them every day. My husband and I say it most days, not in a 'bye love you' reactiony way, in a cuddled up in bed at bedtime chatting or a hug in the kitchen while kids are in the living room or when one of us says something hilarious but weird in an 'i love you my weirdo' way. I can't imagine not being comfortable talking about all those deep feelibgs

Yes but a tacit agreement is risky. There’s room for misunderstanding. One person might think there’s a tacit agreement and the other might actually be holding a very different set of assumptions

I agree

All the posters saying that they very very rarely say it to their partners… have at least all said it once. Not so here.

Actually, a lot of people ‘bin’ established relationships if they realise it isn’t ’going anywhere’ or they don’t want it to go anywhere. Probably one of the main reasons people split up.

I think it's fine..if you both feel secure in each others love, it's fine!

However, if you ever kids, please tell them every single day that you love them!

I agree 100%, upthread I talked about how DH and I openly express how we feel. That's our contract and our business-as-usual.

The OPs scenario is so extremely unusual to never have openly expressed their feelings that I can only assume that they and their DPs actions are extremely clear as to their commitment to each other - and actions speak louder than words, in their world. That's the tacit part, it's taken as read but not stated in so many words.

Wouldn't work for me, I'm someone who needs reassurance and so is my DH. Cue people telling me I sound needy :-D

There’s nothing wrong with needing reassurance.

I don’t need verbal reassurance in this relationship, because it is so steady, calm and reliable that I never feel worried or concerned about whether he’s committed or whether he wants me.

It’s very unlikely we’ll have kids.

Many people might. Many people have affairs in established relationships where they have got married, taken out a mortgage etc. Or they stop fancying each other. Or they change and realise they don’t like each other any more etc etc.

This forum is full of established relationships breaking down, and of those in them wanting out for a myriad for reasons.

We are both happy as we are. Neither of us are just settling whilst we wait for someone to come along and offer us the dream of a joint mortgage and kids.

I never said other people’s relationships were baffling and incomprehensible 😂. You might be getting mixed up with the high number of people saying that about mine, perhaps.

I get that. I was just replying to your ‘why would anyone in a happy long term relationship bin it off?’ musing.

Counselling for what? Having a happy, faithful relationship?

It never bothered me not to hear it as a kid and it doesn’t bother me now.

We just don’t have the ‘I love you my weirdo’ type of dynamic.

Neither of us are just settling whilst we wait for someone to come along and offer us the dream of a joint mortgage and kids.

you know this is true of you, but you don’t actually know this is true of him. Maybe it is- it definitely could be. But he hasn’t said and you haven’t asked? maybe he is just living right now while he waits for someone to come along who he fancies buying a home with? Maybe he assumes you know that and feel the same because you have never suggested living together and never told him you love him?

No, I do know it, absolutely 100%. We have joked, semi seriously, about buying together if we can ensure separate living rooms, bathrooms, soundproofing to have friends back, but other than that we’d feel suffocated.

We speak about ‘in ten years’ time we’ll be doing x, y or z’.

And mostly, he’s not a raging dickhead, nor a drip who can’t make things happen for himself, who would spend years with someone he cares about whilst simultaneously thinking about how he’s happy to leave the minute someone knocks on his door to give him the things he wants but couldn’t ask for.

• we have joked, semi seriously, about buying together if we can ensure separate living rooms, bathrooms, soundproofing to have friends back, but other than that we’d feel suffocated.

We speak about ‘in ten years’ time we’ll be doing x, y or z’.*

Ah right fair enough!, makes more sense then

Isn't it?

I had a very happy, utterly unremarkable childhood, of which my main memory is how loved and wanted I felt. And continue to feel, actually, as my both parents are very elderly and very alive.

But I don't remember either of them ever saying 'I love you'.

I say it to my kids, because my OH does and it's part of the family vocabulary. But I have to admit that I don't think saying it proves anything. For me, it's what you do that matters.

Duplicate post. How does that happen?

This is one the oddest threads I can recall when you press “select all” to the OP’s posts. If like me, your impression of the OP basically flips from start of thread to end.