To never tell partner I love him?

[Takinitgottobserd]

Is it weird? I have never told him I love him, and he's never told me he loves me. I do love him, completely. My parents never told me they loved me growing up, and I never told them, but there was absolutely no doubt that we all did.

I spoke to him yesterday and a friend commented that she always told her DH she loved him every time she said bye, and did I not do the same. I said I’d never said it and nor had my DP, and she found it mind blowing.

Is it that strange?

I find your stance very interesting OP as it's so wildly different from the way I think... I would absolutely hate my partner not telling me he loved me and we say it quite a lot (not dozens of times a day, but certainly every time we see each other - when we go to sleep, when he leaves to go home etc.), and for me, working towards living together and marriage is an important part of the relationship. That said I'm now wondering if some of that stems from my own insecurities and wanting to "prove" that I'm loved and that I love him. You sound very stable and content in your own thoughts and I envy that in a way. Never saying I love you is unusual, clearly. But it's certainly lucky that you're on the same page and it also sounds like you don't have any doubts about either his feelings or yours, so all good in that sense.

The main thing I can't get my head round is, do you ever feel that you love him, in the moment? By which I mean, do you ever have those moments where you look at him or he does something that makes those feelings bubble up? I can't imagine feeling that rush of love and not saying it - it feels irresistible to me. What do you say or do when you feel like that?

I do have those feelings. Not just when I see him - but when I think about him too. I don’t know - I just feel a rush of affection for him and feel very happy I’m with him. Mostly I think I feel these feelings when he makes me laugh, or when he does something lovely. I suppose I either laugh or kiss him or hug him. But I never say I love him. But I do.

I can't believe posters think this is just a friends with benefits situation because you don't live together.

OP, my late great uncle and his partner were together over 20 years. Very much partners in every sense of the word. However they never lived together. When he lost his sight, she moved in. Neither of them enjoyed this set up at all so she moved to the flat above him instead! I thought it was great! They still loved each other deeply but both enjoyed their own space. It's commonly called "living apart together".

I also agree that you don't need to tell each other you love each other, it's how you show it. For some people. For me, I like to be told I'm loved as does my partner...which is why it works for us. It sounds like this set up works for you and your partner so who cares what others think?

I have some friends who never tell their partners they love them and vice versa. They have successfully relationships/marriages and it's so clear from how they treat each other that they love one another. I wish you both a very happy relationship in the future

Yes, and that’s my point. It’s something that could still very well happen. And what then apart from squirming?

Would you forward on details of a property if you did find one that was 2 reception rooms
And 2 bathrooms?

although given you’re “indifferent”, and think he’s the same, and both “very happy” living alone…. I don’t see why you would

If he did tell me then I’d just say it back. It wouldn’t be a huge deal. Just as it isn’t that he doesn’t say it.

What do you think indifferent means?

You don’t think squirming is a “big deal” you’d have to be a Hollywood actress to hide squirming surely?

This is weird

you have said multiple times that you are “indifferent” and love living alone

indifferent to me would be…. Not bothered either way. Infect you say that you think your relationship is so good because you don’t life together have have domesticity arguments.

so presumably if you did come across a property that fit the pretty realistic requirements…. You wouldnt forward on?

or maybe you would. However your DP doesn’t sound “indifferent” if *I don’t think he’s hugely keen on living together.. A good reason to move in together is if you both are “*hugely keen” to

Its a bit odd now I’ve read all the OP’s posts so I’ll leave you to it!

* no particular interest or sympathy; unconcerned.*

best to have more positive feelings about moving in together than the above OP. But not an issue either as you’re both “very happy” living apart!

I would squirm having an emotional, lovey dovey conversation. Not from a basic ‘I love you’.

Yes, we are very happy.

So you and your partner are similar to your parents in sense that don’t say I love you, but as far the rest (move in together; marry; have children) definitely not similar!

I wonder if your folks said I love you to one another before they moved in together? Or married? Or had children?

Do you spend Christmas together? If so, at which family home? or maybe just together?

I’ve got no idea. I’m sure they’ll have told each other they love each other.

I’ve always known I didn’t want to follow the traditional get married in my 20s and have children route my parents followed, and he’s known forever that he didn’t want kids either, so definitely a different path for us.

No, we spend Christmas Day itself with our families separately. I usually go on holiday on Boxing Day till the 30th, then come home to spend New Year’s Eve with him.

This reminds me of my (very happy) relationship I had at uni.

We live ld very separate lives, didn’t share a single asset, we would go over to one another’s houses, shag, eat, go out with friends etc. and Christmas arrangements identical to yours.

Yep, that sounds about right.

It suited me when I was 20, not sure whether it would have done in my mid thirties, but we are all different, and this sounds like a set up that works for two independent people, who enjoy spending time together, and that’s enough.

i knew i wanted more with my now husband when id get back from his to my own flat, and i all i wanted to do was be back with him, and then he’d message to say the same. And this went on for a few months, where basically my own flat just started to feel…. Well, and this sounds cheesy, but “home” sort of felt wherever he was.

18 years later… still does! But if I hadn’t have felt that, and loved coming back to my own place as you do and basically felt indifferent about it all…. Then no way would I have done. Having said that, I probably would have end it after a couple of years if I had not have felt like that by that point.

Why are you sure your parents told each other they loved one another? They never said it to their children and you never heard them say it to one another, and you don’t think it’s at all important or an actual indication of whether two people love one another?

If you were my child Op, I’d just be happy you were happy and wouldn’t give a hoot that you’d been with someone for 5 years and he hadn’t told you that he loved you.

My husband though… I think he’d be utterly perplexed (privately, only to me!) that this man had failed to tell the most incredible living young woman (his daughter! 😆) on the planet that he loves her!

This sounds thoroughly suffocating to me, but as you say, we’re all different.