To never tell partner I love him?

[Takinitgottobserd]

Is it weird? I have never told him I love him, and he's never told me he loves me. I do love him, completely. My parents never told me they loved me growing up, and I never told them, but there was absolutely no doubt that we all did.

I spoke to him yesterday and a friend commented that she always told her DH she loved him every time she said bye, and did I not do the same. I said I’d never said it and nor had my DP, and she found it mind blowing.

Is it that strange?

Surely there’s middle ground though between telling someone you love them all the Tim’e and having never said it?

We’ve had several threads here over the years where a poster has said that their partner has never said it, and the responses are typically that it’s not the norm.

I always tell my dc I love them, I don’t say it constantly to my partner but I do say it.

But if someone has never said it ever then I would conclude thawhile there are feelings there, those aren’t love.

Not on mumsnet… never a middle ground. Always one or the other, and the “other” is invariably wrong / weird

Honestly that would be the kind of romance I could deal with! I love that for you. You sound like you have a happy, healthy, highly-compatible relationship.

I feel suffocated by constant "I love you"s in relationships & any gushy type paragraphs. I do say it occassionally, but it doesn't come easily. In past relationships the words have ALWAYS been cancelled out by hurtful/damaging actions. I would take honesty & trust over "I love you" anyday.

I was brought up very rarely hearing the words, but I FELT I was loved. My mom actually only started saying it at the end of phonecalls in the year or so before she died (3 years ago). I don't remember my dad ever saying it. I do make a point of telling him now, but it feels a bit awkward. We've never been an emotionally open family tbh, varying neurodiversity probably affects that.

BUT, I do tell my kids I love them, along with showing it through actions. It feels way more natural than it ever has saying it to another adult.

I wouldn’t necessarily tell a FWB I loved them either to be honest.

Which this is.

An enduring FWB arrangement with no intention or inclination to change it.

You are happy, he’s happy. All good.

I do find it a bit odd tbh. It took over 2 years of dating for my DH and I to say I love you and we still only say it occasionally (maybe once or twice a week). So I understand waiting to be sure, not wanting to cheapen the words by saying them too early or often etc.

What I find strange is that you haven't said it at all, not even once. Also that you haven't asked him if he wants to move in (or told him that you don't want to), or talked about if marriage is important to either of you, confirmed that you don't want children etc.

Leaving so much unspoken surely opens you up to a lot of potential misunderstandings? And surely if it's not a big deal to you then you could have a quick 5 minute conversation and it's all sorted. The fact that you're avoiding it makes me think it's actually a very big deal to you and for whatever reason you don't feel comfortable enough to raise the subject.

Ultimately it's your life and your relationship. You do you, but I'm not surprised your friend was taken aback.

Yes, we’ll spend mornings in bed kissing and cuddling. Buy each other little gifts etc.

What’s that got to do with the thread?

No, it’s not. How extraordinarily rude.

When did I say I hadn’t confirmed he didn’t want children? I know he doesn’t want children. I have known him for 20 years.

There have been no misunderstandings, no arguments, no upset. I’m not sure if you’re projecting or something, but you are inventing issues which aren’t there.

I never said there were arguments or upset. What I meant by misunderstandings is that you might be thinking "we're both happy to never live together" while he might be thinking "we might move in together in 10 years time" for example.

I stand by the fact that if these conversations aren't a big deal, they can be had very casually and be over in 2 minutes. The fact that they haven't happened in over 5 years makes it seem like a forbidden topic. That's what I find a bit strange.

But like I said, you do you, obviously.

We tell one another we love them every single day so this feels odd to me. It’s not my place to judge anyone else’s relationship though.

Neither of us know what will happen in ten years’ time. For now, we’re happy. If a day should come that one of us wants to move in with the other, we can have a conversation then.

Ok. Then I'm wondering why you bothered posting on aibu?

Reread my OP and you’ll know why. I wasn’t asking for unsolicited comments on what conversations I should be having with my partner or whether posters think these conversations are a big deal to me.

You asked if it's "weird" or "strange". I answered. You've clearly got offended. Don't understand why tbh.

Live your life the way you want to, OP, there's no point getting snippy with random posters online.

Yes, that we’ve never told each other we love each other. Not the made up bits posters have added later.

My mum and dad never told me that either and vice versa. We were not huggers either. Only started hugging my mum goodbye recently (she's 75) as she's had cancer, it feels really weird to me. However, I was very much huggy with my own DS.

Huh?

how does this differ from FWB? (I quote from another poster)…,

Neither have ever said I love you. I suspect even the posters here saying they have been married many years and don’t say it… have said it in the past

Also that you haven't asked him if he wants to move in (or told him that you don't want to), or talked about if marriage is important to either of you or confirmed that you don't want children

i mean I don’t see how it’s rude to say this is a FWB scenario. A friend you love, sure, but have a few friends I definitely do love too.

So he has said

i never want children
I never want to move in together
I never want to marry you

or instead you think you know him well enough to just… know?

Friends with benefits aren’t in exclusive, committed relationships. You either don’t understand the term, or you’re being rude.

So you have at least had the conversation that “exclusive”?

He has said many times that he doesn’t want children. Since before we were together.

We vaguely discussed once that if we ever moved in together it would be a detached house with enough room for us to have our own sitting room and bathroom. We have never had any serious chat about it because we are happy as we are.

I’m not sure why it’s upsetting so many posters to hear that people can be in a happy relationship without having to live together or get married or have prescribed conversations.

Of course. Do you ask every couple if they’ve had a conversation about being exclusive or just the ones you deign not to be in a real relationship because they don’t live together?

No one is upset OP 😆!

asking questions

you started a thread asking if “strange”

so reasonable to expect some probing questions! 😆