DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

[Colpered]

Bit of a rant tbh. DH’s dad died last week. They were never close — he always said his older brother was the golden boy, favourite child, could do no wrong etc. Been a sore point for years but he usually keeps it to himself.

Anyway, the wake was yesterday and DH got absolutely off his face. Started telling anyone who’d stand still long enough that his dad never loved him, that his brother got everything growing up and he got nothing. Got louder and louder, ended up having a go at his brother — full on threatening him in front of everyone. Was properly heated, had to be pulled away.

Whole thing was just awful. His mum was trying not to cry, people were whispering, I wanted the ground to swallow me.

He’s in bed now feeling sorry for himself. I don’t even know what to say to him. I get that he’s upset, but it felt like he made it all about him — turned a wake into some drama about childhood trauma.

AIBU to be livid? I feel sorry for him in some ways but Jesus Christ, it was a funeral. Not the time. I don’t even want to show my face around his family now.

I hope you can find your empathy op!! At the moment you sound just as bad as his mother. His mother is never going to admit there were problems. Most abuse is covered up! How can you not know this?

I see where you are coming from, my brother got hammered and behaved appallingly at my mother’s funeral. Laid into our other brother and made it all about him. It’s always about him and how he is a the victim, when my mum had three children and we were hurting too. But we had the good grace to behave in public.
I would leave him too it, I get he is grieving but that’s not a get out of jail card to behave like a twat. When he wants to stop the pity party, he can apologise to his family for acting like a twat.

@Colpered - my sister was my mum's golden child - definitely her favourite - whilst I feel my mum let me down in a lot of ways, when I was a child and a teenager, and it has caused me a lot of pain and issues over the years, including life-long clinical depression, so I can understand where your dh is coming from.

Maybe the wake was not the right place to say what he did, but I can understand how the feelings just got too much for him and erupted. I managed to get through my mum's funeral without anything like this, but I had had a number of years of therapy, and of working on myself, plus I had moved a long way away from mum, so had benefited from the distance between us. It sounds as if your dh hasn't been able to do any of that.

If I were you, I'd not mention what happened at the funeral, but simply tell your dh that you are there for him, you understand why he feels the way he does, and that his feelings are entirely valid. Let him talk things out, if that would help.

My Mother had a clear favourite. When the will was discovered it just sealed what we all knew as she left her entire estate to her and cut us all out, estate was worth around 400k. Two refused to attend the funeral at all and the 3 of us who were cut out acted with decorum but bereavement does funny things to peoples heads.

Just support your husband.

Have you lost a parent yourself OP? If you have, you wouldn't have needed to write this post
I lost both of mine before I was 35

It can be both, surely?

I'd have been embarrassed but I also would have had some empathy. Grief shows up in different ways and brings with it a lot of emotions. He needs a friend right now, not judgement from others.

"full on threatening him in front of everyone. Was properly heated, had to be pulled away."

Full on threatening and having to be pulled away sounds to me (and to almost anyone normal) like considerable aggression with the potential for physical violence. Very frightening and probably traumatising for the young children who were sitting with the target of this aggression (their dad). But obviously I'm wrong. It's all OK because a grown man wanted to get shit faced and air his own trauma.

OP i'm from a similar background and I feel for your husband.

My OH has similar issues and has a real dislike for their sibling, mainly because I think they never pointed out to their parents the blatant double standard that sometimes used to occur (in front of me a couple of times) and whenever they have a verbal it's always 'you see whats going on, you accept it's going on, but you never say anythnig to mum and dad, do you?'

I don't like it the arguments but I feel my OH's pain.

Please don’t be livid. My brother got absolutely wasted at my mum’s funeral wake and passed out drunk in full view of everyone - literally asleep on the floor in the venue. They were so close and he just couldn’t cope with losing his mum. Imagine not being close and then having to deal with how society expects you to act. Sounds like he was having an emotional burnout in real time. I’d encourage him - when he’s ready - to seek counselling. My brother did and he’s good now and, coincidentally, no longer drinks.

Sorry for your loss.

They're both totally consistent.

I don't think MIL's version takes away what your husband may have experienced and it's sad your husband can't rely on his wife to validate him or believe his experiences. Feels kinda like what he probably felt his whole life... Your MIL is unlikley going to acknowledge anyone was treated more favourably was she? Especially now your FIL has died.

Obviously your DH should not have done what he did but you should draw on your empathy skills here and not judge him. Even you are feeling more sorry for the brother than your husband and this is something he says he has experienced his whole life. Just really sad.

How is your relationship generally?

The fact that you believe your MIL over your DH, and are referring to him as spoult etc suggests that you really do not like him much.

I'm just wondering if this is part of a bigger issue in your relationship?

Would also be interested to know if the brother is the first born given the cultural background.

I don't think your husband's behaviour was great, but I do think it was understandable.

Just reading this thread has brought tears to my eyes, and it's been 3yrs since my abusive father (,with whom I was NC) died.

I can't begin to explain how hard it is emotionally to deal with something like that, but there have been some great posts on this thread.

First read like she was there witnessing, second she was off in another room.

Sorry wrong thread

Wrong THREAD !!!

Grief can quite literally make you mad. I would approach with compassion

Yes, older folk do tend to be more repressed/stuff upper lip.

How? She wasn’t there to see the brother ‘just sitting there, not bothering anyone’. So how does she know? Second hand information?

thabks for pointing this out, but why so angry haha. Easy mistake, sorry OP!

No they're not. If the second scenario (in another room) is correct then she couldn't have witnessed the first scenario. Given the family dynamic at hand I wouldn't trust a second-hand account at all.

If he is in general a reasonable person, then I think YABVU to be cross with him over this.

If he is someone who likes to spoil for a fight, then that’s a different issue.

Right now, he probably needs your love, not your embarrassment.

He - quite rightly - needs to apologise to his family members, especially the brother he threatened. Then a gentle handhold while he considers getting some therapy.

What a life it is, feeling unloved and sidelined. No excuse to behave badly, not saying that. but he has been lacking love. Are you the person to be there for him?

Thanks again to everyone replying — some really thoughtful posts and I do appreciate it.

Just to clear a few bits up. Yes DH is the youngest. His brother’s older by a few years, and yeah, he’s definitely the more “together” one on paper — good job, nice house, wife and kids, all very stable. I do think DH has always felt in his shadow a bit.

DH said his brother was goading him, but I didn’t see that. When I got to him, his brother was calmly telling him to leave him and his family alone. No shouting, nothing aggressive from what I saw — just looked fed up and embarrassed tbh.

And yes, DH did threaten him with violence. Not just angry words, actual “I’ll smash your face in” level stuff. Had to be pulled away.

To answer a couple of questions — no, DH hasn’t had therapy, though I’ve suggested it before. I’ve lost a parent myself and I do know how hard it is, which is probably why I’m struggling to have as much patience as maybe I should. I was a mess too, but I didn’t lash out like that.

As for our relationship — it’s not perfect but it’s not awful. But this whole thing has made me question a few things if I’m honest.