DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

[Colpered]

Bit of a rant tbh. DH’s dad died last week. They were never close — he always said his older brother was the golden boy, favourite child, could do no wrong etc. Been a sore point for years but he usually keeps it to himself.

Anyway, the wake was yesterday and DH got absolutely off his face. Started telling anyone who’d stand still long enough that his dad never loved him, that his brother got everything growing up and he got nothing. Got louder and louder, ended up having a go at his brother — full on threatening him in front of everyone. Was properly heated, had to be pulled away.

Whole thing was just awful. His mum was trying not to cry, people were whispering, I wanted the ground to swallow me.

He’s in bed now feeling sorry for himself. I don’t even know what to say to him. I get that he’s upset, but it felt like he made it all about him — turned a wake into some drama about childhood trauma.

AIBU to be livid? I feel sorry for him in some ways but Jesus Christ, it was a funeral. Not the time. I don’t even want to show my face around his family now.

Your DH did not make a show of himself, he is struggling with the fact he will now never have an apology from his father about the way he was treated. Your husband has this plus grief to process - support him, unconditionally.

YABU. Support your husband.

Yes DH is the youngest. His brother’s older by a few years, and yeah, he’s definitely the more “together” one on paper — good job, nice house, wife and kids, all very stable. I do think DH has always felt in his shadow a bit.
DH said his brother was goading him, but I didn’t see that.

Even the way you write this suggests you respect his brother more, and disbelieve your husband on a fairly key point.

Like, does your husband actually have anyone in his life who supports him, believes him and cheers him on in life?

Because it doesn't sound like his father, mother or brother did, and it doesn't sound like his wife does either. I hope he has some solid friends, at least.

You sound horrible OP. How do you know everything about his life? Just because his mum told you he wasn’t treated any differently to his brother- how do you know she was telling the truth?

Just because his brother was sitting quietly with him family at this time, you are assuming that there has never been any issues in the past?

The only embarrassment and shame in this scenario is coming from you..

No one has said that "obviously" you're wrong 🙄

No, we're just generally fucking world weary of men doing exactly as they please and indulging their traumas. I'm pretty sure the responses would be very different if it was a woman who got shit faced and used threatening behaviour to the mother of young children at a funeral. But you're right, we mustn't be so stuffy and repressed. We must think of the menz. Oh wait - we've actually had to do that for years!

This, poor man, seems like noone in his life even his wife gives a shit about him.
@Colpered doesn't care her husband has issues is more bothered about the people he feels have treated him poorly, and his own mother isn't bothered that he's upset.
Rather backs up his view!

I find this response, your thought process, the way you speak of your husband, everything here, even you saying you lost a parent but you didnt lash out, utterly breathtaking. Utterly.
TBH if i were your husband, i too would be rethinking my relationship.
You clearly are more on their side than his. How dreadful for him.
Hve you lost a parent you had an acrimonious relationship with? If not, then you cannot compare. but then it sounds like you compare your husband to others anyway so there is that.
I didnt go to my mums funeral , and I guarantee you that If my sister was there, id want to smash her face in. the things they did, the way my mother was, my one regret is i didnt tell them all to get fucked earlier and more.
You are so on the wrong side of this.

My dad died in 2022. I had an awful relationship with him and hadnt seen him in years. He was abusive to my mum.

I always thought I wouldn't care if he died. When it came to it, I was furious. Like an all consuming rage that I couldnt shake. I hadnt seen the man in 10+ years but I couldnt contain myself. I felt so much anger that the way I felt towards him was always going to be left unresolved now.

In addition, the continual posts online from other friends and family members about what a great guy he was and how much he'd be missed only fuelled my rage. I had three days off work and spent the time replying to each and every comment detailing who he really was.

Am I proud of the way I acted? Absolutely not! I can't even explain to you the way I felt, it was like an out of body experience.

Luckily I was stopped from going to the funeral as no doubt I'd have made more of a show of myself than your DH, even without alcohol. Sometimes how you feel can't be controlled no matter how destructive you know it is.

Poor guy. Of course this was going to happen he wasn't treated well and now his dad is gone this won't be made right. Not in your husbands eyes.

I totally get why he did it and no I wouldn't be livid. I would tell him - I understand

Agree

Just saying for context really, not trying to paint DH as the villain and his brother as perfect — just explaining the dynamic as I see it.

And yes, DH is definitely the loud, shouty one in the family. His brother’s always been more reserved, keeps himself to himself. They’re just very different people. I’m not saying one’s better than the other, just that it’s been like that as long as I’ve known them.

Also worth saying DH didn’t visit his dad once when he was ill. Said he didn’t want to be a hypocrite. I respected that at the time, but now it just feels like all that bottled up guilt and anger came exploding out, and everyone else got caught in the crossfire.

I’m not trying to disrespect him, I do care about him — I just don’t know how to deal with the fallout from this.

He's probably doing some questioning himself.

Is he loud and shouty towards you, OP?

I think it says a lot about how crap he felt about his dad tbh. People aren’t perfect and funerals and death is so raw. I think people will understand it’s a difficult time and his dad caused it all really. I wouldn’t be livid; you’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about. Ask him if he thinks some counselling would help him to process his grief and the relationship he had with his dad. X

I don't know why you're with him, given all your posts really show a lack of care as to his reason for his behaviour at the wake and seem to be full of disdain, yet also how positive and wonderful is DB is.
Is DB quite wealthy? His parents?....

I wouldn’t be angry, I just would’ve left the wake the minute he started being messy. He’s clearly going through a lot but I won’t be seen with someone getting aggressive and rowdy. Have you suggested he speak to someone about his trauma and grief.

Drunkenly threatening to smash someone’s face in is not ok. Every abusive, out of control drunk has an excuse. I’m sad because daddy didn’t love meeeeeee is not good enough.

His mum has always said he wasn't treated any different

Well of course his mum said they were always treated the same.

They always do! It's called denial! 😡

"feels like all that bottled up guilt and anger came exploding out" - Yes. But not all of it. There'll be plenty more still bubbling away and in fact added to because of his behaviour at the wake. You urge him to heed the massive warning signal that got detonated and you help him find a properly qualified, recommended therapist. Show him care and concern, you both know his behaviour was out of order and the way to address it is to work on it. You want to help him help himself because you love him - getting help is taking responsibility, and that's what he needs to do.

It’s not your fallout to deal with. Just be there for your husband, that’s your part in this.

Sorry, didn't mean to post the whole quote. 🙄

I’d say go easy on him op, drink md situations like that don’t mix. Hope you’re all ok x

@Colpered I wonder if he became the loud, shouty one because its the only way he was ever listened too

As someone else has said, it's not for you to manage this fallout.
Stick up for and support your husband, when he feels emotionally safe & supported with you he is more likely to be able to hear that he needs to apologise for the way he acted, even if what he said was true