DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

[Colpered]

Bit of a rant tbh. DH’s dad died last week. They were never close — he always said his older brother was the golden boy, favourite child, could do no wrong etc. Been a sore point for years but he usually keeps it to himself.

Anyway, the wake was yesterday and DH got absolutely off his face. Started telling anyone who’d stand still long enough that his dad never loved him, that his brother got everything growing up and he got nothing. Got louder and louder, ended up having a go at his brother — full on threatening him in front of everyone. Was properly heated, had to be pulled away.

Whole thing was just awful. His mum was trying not to cry, people were whispering, I wanted the ground to swallow me.

He’s in bed now feeling sorry for himself. I don’t even know what to say to him. I get that he’s upset, but it felt like he made it all about him — turned a wake into some drama about childhood trauma.

AIBU to be livid? I feel sorry for him in some ways but Jesus Christ, it was a funeral. Not the time. I don’t even want to show my face around his family now.

Anger, failing to act rationally, lashing out - all signs of struggling and of someone who is barely holding it all together.

Of course the way he behaved isn’t okay but my God, this man lost his father a week ago and they clearly had a terrible relationship - the lack of empathy shown all round is absolutely staggering.

Some religions do it next day.

We used to be about 5 days, Scotland, but now it’s weeks. Ireland are still quite quick, matter of days I think.

You can be mortified and support the person who is clearly lashing out.

I hope your husband has some kind, caring people in his life to support him

Oh ffs OP!
"but it honestly just felt like he was a spoilt child having a temper tantrum"

He lost his dad, spent entire life not dlfeeling enough in his dads eyes and it was obviously the last moment he could talk it out.

Hopeyou are not usually so low on empathy.
Men do have emotions too.

Ever thought you may just be projecting your own history? The brother was sat with his wife and children, not "going round presenting as the golden child". And maybe the mother isn't lying.

Lot of projection going on for sure.
Relationships tend to be complicated and not all the fault of one person.
What isnt complicated for me is threatening to beat up your brother before his kids.

Wow yes yabu. Try having an ounce of compassion. ‘Made a show of himself’ disgusting.

Hi OP I have this all to come sadly as my mum is terminally ill. Members of the family have pointed out over the years how she has always 'preferred my brother'. My mum and I have never been close, she never spent time with me when I was younger or really got to know me, it has been very lonely and crushing to have a parent who is meant to love you the most reject you and neglect you. Because my mum has been ill for a long time I've had time to get used to the thought of her dying. I think I will always have some underlying anger towards her and sadness for how she has been as a mother. And sadness for myself that I didn't have a mum with whom I could have had a close relationship. I am hoping when the time comes I will feel mainly relief, but who knows. The anger may rise up like it did for your husband. It is very difficult and I feel sad for your husband, it's horrible to feel like this, there is a part of you that feels like a young child who is, in effect, unloveable. There is a small part of that feeling that will always stay with you, no matter how old and grown up you get.

At that point , but the OP is presenting a strangely one sided version against her husband, so who is to say what the brother might have said or how people may have been fawning all over the brother. And of course the mother will deny it. She may even believe she doesn't.

Yes maybe I am projecting my experience (to which I didn't outwardly react) and perhaps I somewhat admire him for having the balls to get it off his chest directly to them!

Unless he has form for getting shitfaced and abusive be kind and let this go. He'll likely be turning inside out with embarrassment and pain today anyway. Greif makes people crazy and it's really difficult when the relationship was complicated.

Went to close relative's funeral who had been a really nasty mother. Everyone was being polite and only pointing out the good. Her daughter didn't let much show but whispered after that she hated how all the extremely bad behaviour had been brushed over.

Put 'what others will think' away and think of your husband.

I think you would have got different responses if he threatened to beat up his sister.

This.

He's bottled up his feelings of being rejected by his father his entire lifetime. It came out.

I’d have been utterly mortified too.

I haven't seen anything from the op saying that her husband threatened violence. "Threatening" his brother could mean all sorts of things, so for those saying some people are projecting, be careful about your own assumptions here.

Secondly, the op was out of the room at the time it kicked off so she didn't actually see what sparked it. Was his brother "just" sitting there with his wife & family?

A provoked response may not mean the behaviour can be condoned, but no one here actually knows that his outburst wasn't provoked.

Yep. Exactly this. I thought violence (especially in front of children) was never the answer on Mumsnet but apparently today it is!

Hello.
A little voice from the corner.
I'm guessing we are the older ones.

Your poor husband, my heart breaks for him. Hug him closely, tell him you are sorry things will now never be repaired, his father has died. Tell him you love him, and when he is ready you will support him to go to therapy and process his loss fully and his childhood.

I would be so gentle with him. He may need professional support in the coming weeks.

"He was literally just sat there with his wife and kids, not bothering anyone, and DH marched over and kicked off at him like he’d been waiting years for the chance."

"I couldn’t step in sooner because I was talking to one of his cousins in another room, and he said he was just nipping to the toilet. Next thing I know there’s raised voices and someone comes to get me saying DH is kicking off."

So which was it?

Violence isn't mentioned in the op's posts. "Threatening" and "kicked off" can mean various things from "I'll never talk to you again" and shouting before it gets anywhere near physical aggression.

Who do not think this behaviour is justified whatever the history.

@Colpered

Why do you believe what his mother says rather than what he said his childhood was like? Strange. Some parents do have a golden child or a favourite.

Your comment "His mum has always said he wasn’t treated any different and she’s already messaged him this morning saying how upset and unhappy she is with how he behaved. Can’t blame her tbh."

You sound cold and lacking in empathy for your husband.

This thread is really distressing.
I feel so much empathy for your DH.
Your reaction and lack of support for him is really horrible OP.

Did your DH go to far? Probably / sounds like it.

But he has just lost his father and clearly has years of pent up resentemt, pain and trauma. And it doesn’t sound like his mother ever listened to him or supported him. So he exploded.

Why are you livid? Or ashamed?
Don't make this about yourself. This isn’t a reflection of you. It is a reflection of him AND also his family. I am fairly certain they’ve all plaid their parts. It would be too easy to just point the finger at him and put all the blame on him.

Edit: there will most likely be A LOT of people ready to blame your DH and paint him as the problem. His mother has already demonstrated that she's quite ready to do that. He needs somebody that will support him. His pain, his grief and his perspective. Who will do that if not his spouse?