DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

[Colpered]

Bit of a rant tbh. DH’s dad died last week. They were never close — he always said his older brother was the golden boy, favourite child, could do no wrong etc. Been a sore point for years but he usually keeps it to himself.

Anyway, the wake was yesterday and DH got absolutely off his face. Started telling anyone who’d stand still long enough that his dad never loved him, that his brother got everything growing up and he got nothing. Got louder and louder, ended up having a go at his brother — full on threatening him in front of everyone. Was properly heated, had to be pulled away.

Whole thing was just awful. His mum was trying not to cry, people were whispering, I wanted the ground to swallow me.

He’s in bed now feeling sorry for himself. I don’t even know what to say to him. I get that he’s upset, but it felt like he made it all about him — turned a wake into some drama about childhood trauma.

AIBU to be livid? I feel sorry for him in some ways but Jesus Christ, it was a funeral. Not the time. I don’t even want to show my face around his family now.

YABU. He’s had his own life of being second place to the golden child and his father doesn’t seem to have ever acknowledged that, not his mother.? Now he can never resolve it

grief affects people in different ways, give him a break

YABU.
Try growing up with a narcissistic parent and then tell us how he “should have” acted.

You sound like you are more worried about how they feel than how he is feeling/coping.

Yes, because they weren't the ones who got hammered and kicked off at a family funeral with kids present.

I felt exactly the same. He is suffering, OP. Please be gentle with him.

Of course his mother is going to double down and say he was treated the same otherwise she'd be admitting she failed to protect him and be seen as a bad mother.

OP you're still making it all about yourself.

There is a very weird vibe from what you are writing. It comes across as very much about how things “should” be and really nothing about how they were. The dynamic you are describing is not unusual and even down to the mother’s denial of what was your DHs reality. That is enormously common especially in cultures that significantly over use shame to control the people who are at the bottom of this hierarchy. Focus on your husband not the people who have inflicted this on him. His brother unwittingly participated in this dynamic too you can be guaranteed. None of this is out of the blue it is the pent up emotions spilling over during an emotionally charged situation.

You keep saying he was acting like a spoiled child, and yet that appears to be the last thing he was.

Was he the younger brother? I can imagine him being treated differently if he was. And older brother sits there with his perfect wife and family, I guarantee he’s been treated much better over the years. The heir and the spare always are.

Your job now is to support him or move out of the way. He doesn’t need one more person in his life who he has disappointed.

Of course his mother says he was treated no differently. Mine will argue that till she is blue in the face. It isn’t true. I was the accidentally baby who slept in a drawer all my life. They supported my brother and sister in their dreams, when it got to me the money ran out and they supported me but only if I changed my dreams to suit the budget.

All you can do is support him. Grief and loss is hard and it can dredge up feelings you don't expect. My own brothers get on really well and got into an argument at my mums wake just because emotions were high and there was tension. I dealt with it really quickly and kept them apart. Encourage him to talk to you and his family. He obviously has a lot of resentment built up and the loss has made it boil over.

Yes there is a lot of projection here. We don’t really know this situation. OP’s husband got drunk at his father’s pist funeral family event and acted out aggressively. This may be grief and trauma talking but its not therapeutic and its not just or right. Its not clear that everyone in the family was complicit in abuse ir that the brother and the mother deserved this i mean maybe they did andmaybe they didn’t but OP and her DH now gave to live with the consequences. Since he did what he did when drunk OP’s dh also probably feels less liberated than he does shamed. It wasn’t a great day for him no matter how justified he thinks he was. Hd lost control and that doesn’t feel good.

Well if this was my husband I’d be giving him a big hug and asking him how he is and not judging him. I don’t buy comments like - his mum said they were treated the same - well she will say that won’t she?! You said it had bothered him for a long time so it’s not wildly out of the blue and clearly has impacted him. Now is not the time to question, it’s the time to support.

You don't like your husband very much, do you OP?

My God, with you as his main support, I pity the poor man. Put your main character energy to one side for a moment and support him.

As someone that’s been the black sheep in my family my whole life I don’t blame him. His mum is wrong for sending that text. You should be supporting your husband not being livid at him. He needs emotional support and therapy to get over what his family have done to him. It’s always weddings or funerals that blow up .

That. And he threatened his brother in front of his brothers children, who were presumably upset at their granddad's death.

I'd be horrified too. OP is in shock, and already getting family messages. She's caught up in it too, and I'd be mortified as well. As I think would most posters if they'd been in her position.

I wouldnt.
Id be supporting DH. 100%

So he can't be in the wrong for kicking off at the wake because he's grieving, but his grieving mum is in the wrong for simply messaging him?

Yep. Glad you get it now.

Funerals can bring out the best and worst in people. A lot of family splits and feuds start at funerals. I know from personal experience, sadly. However you are being unreasonable to blame him. Sounds like his 'mother' deserved to hear the truth of his trauma.

Good on him!

No, it's just you and me! No one else would be mortified at threats of violence before children and elderly.

I would be more worried about the person who was clearly struggling to cope personally.

I’d be supporting my poor husband, actually.

OP can I ask if you have lost a parent? If so, you must understand how life changing it is? If not then you have no place to judge.

OP, has he had any therapy at all, in his life?

As much as his behaviour was disappointing, his feelings are valid - being a family scapegoat is hard.

My not-DM would swear blind that she treated all her children fairly, however, I am one of 6 siblings who just cannot get along, because we have ALL been brought up to be in competition with each other, there was always a favourite etc.

Because the majority of my siblings were a lot older, I mainly had to live in the shadow of my only younger sibling. They had week-long school trips paid for (I was lucky if I got one day), presents on my birthday - purely because they threw a tantrum, and all of their school photographs paid for and proudly displayed on the wall… where were mine, you ask?

…my parents only ever kept my ‘sample’ pictures, chucked away somewhere. Even a social worker pointed out how unfairly they were treating me, but nothing ever changed. I ended up permanently running away from home after my mother, yet again, sided with younger sibling during an argument (this was on top of other abuse I won’t go into).

I have been left severely damaged, spending my life feeling inadequate and like an afterthought. After it took me a very long time to figure out what had been happening to me, I had to go completely NC with my immediate family - it’s the only way I can heal.

Your DH needs you, don’t fall for the gaslighting his DM is likely doing.

Remind me. How did this struggle to cope manifest itself?