DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

[Colpered]

Bit of a rant tbh. DH’s dad died last week. They were never close — he always said his older brother was the golden boy, favourite child, could do no wrong etc. Been a sore point for years but he usually keeps it to himself.

Anyway, the wake was yesterday and DH got absolutely off his face. Started telling anyone who’d stand still long enough that his dad never loved him, that his brother got everything growing up and he got nothing. Got louder and louder, ended up having a go at his brother — full on threatening him in front of everyone. Was properly heated, had to be pulled away.

Whole thing was just awful. His mum was trying not to cry, people were whispering, I wanted the ground to swallow me.

He’s in bed now feeling sorry for himself. I don’t even know what to say to him. I get that he’s upset, but it felt like he made it all about him — turned a wake into some drama about childhood trauma.

AIBU to be livid? I feel sorry for him in some ways but Jesus Christ, it was a funeral. Not the time. I don’t even want to show my face around his family now.

First of all it’s not your family; you have absolutely no idea how he was raised and the dynamics between siblings so in that regard my advice would be, ‘not my circus, not my monkeys’. Having said that he should have handled himself better. He didn’t have to get drunk and then lose control of himself and turn his feelings into a spectacle.

I think you are being unreasonable. He acted awfully, no doubt about that and there may be consequences from his family and that is fair. However, there's clearly a lot of trauma there that has been triggered by his dad's death. You, as his wife, should support him through his grief and trauma. If his family fall out with him that's fair enough and probably deserved if they weren't complicit in any abuse, but you should be the one standing by him and supporting him.

It wasn’t “that easily” it was an extremely emotive and difficult situation.

I had a really bad relationship with my DF - he was an alcoholic and very abusive to me as a child - when he died I was devastated-wanting him to come back and be a proper Father to me. When my DM , with whom I had a close relationship, died, although I was terribly sad and missed her, I had nowhere near the strong reaction as I did when DF died. Definitely agree that it’s a very different feeling when you loose a parent you had a troubled relationship with. In my case anyway. Grief effects us all so differently. 😞

Until the predictable drip feed starts when it's an unwanted response! Oh look...🙄

He is getting in the way of you being independent and working on your career.

He threatens someone with violence while there are children there.

He is often shouty but it is "usually behind closed doors".

OP, c'mon. This man needs to either get into therapy and sort his shit out, or you need to acknowledge that having a child with a man like this is a terrible idea.

Why are you livid? His feelings are valid, and honestly, I’ve seen and heard worse at funerals / wakes. Support your DH. Don’t be livid. Be understanding. After all, it isn’t about you.

Yep and these drip feeds are getting more juicy.

Poor poor man. He has spent his life not feeling valued by the one man who is meant to care for him, then spend yesterday 'celebrating' his life and how marvellous he was. Add alcohol to the mix and no wonder he blew.
Please encourage him to get some counselling in time.

Your poor DH he must have been so upset.l am sure everyone will understand his distress and be discreet .

I feel for him ... His mum is hardly going to say yes he was treated badly and i did nothing about is she ? And golden boy isn't either. .
So just dump more shame on him..
I don't think your actually really reading the thoughtful responses posters have put about how difficult it can be when you feel the scapegoat/ black sheep..less favoured and someone dies...

If you must respond to your mil... Something simple like.. well he's very upset...
Maybe puase and think for a bit about why he may feel that... Rather than knee jerk into embarrassment/spoilt/pursed lips what will the neighbours think..
Which seems to be where your at .. its much harder in many societies for men to have open emotional conversations and often bottled up feelings just blow at intense emotional points especially with the effect of alchol..
Maybe see if he can access some bereavement support and counselling rather than calling him spoilt

I’d be nothing but horrified and embarrassed. There’s no excuse for drunken, loutish, aggressive behaviour. Not ever.

No-one with a shred of manners, dignity or decorum would ever behave like this.

I disagree with most posters here. I do not think YABU. There’s a time and a place, and this wasn’t the right time or place. If your DH's anger was with his father rather than his mother, he should have spoken to his father about it years ago rather than upset his bereaved mother at an occasion like that. It also wasn’t his brother's fault if their father treated them differently.

Everyone seems to be assuming that what OP's DH said is true. He certainly has strong feelings of anger and hurt, but we don’t know whether his picture of himself as the innocent victim is correct. Even if it is, causing a huge row in front of extended family is not the best way to deal with it, especially when the person he is most angry and hurt about is no longer there.

I totally get this. My DH had amazing parents and they assured him and he then. My DH is constantly asking me to ask my dad to help me with this/that/the other and he simply can’t grasp that we don’t have that relationship. I would rather walk 10 miles to get petrol in a can, than ask my dad to pick me up. We lived in a house 6 doors from my dad for 7 years and we probably saw each other (on purpose) maybe 4-5 times a year when he occasionally remembered a birthday or Christmas. But that’s not to say he doesn’t love me and I don’t love him. It’s a very complex thing and we aren’t close at all. And my DH just can’t grasp that in any way.

But his dad died, and you’re making it all about you.

I would have said Op's husband made it all about him!

And he made the wake all about him. Despite his mother and brother suffering their own grief.

As I posted earlier, I've been in the same position as him, yet I managed not to get drunk and threaten relatives. There's a time and a place for recriminations.

My brother is like this - when sober he’s the nicest but once he starts drinking all hell breaks loose and he makes everyone around him miserable with his many grievances.

We did have a difficult childhood, but much of what he says when drunk is highly exaggerated and/or straight up fabricated.

Saying that, his mother guaranteeing they weren’t treated differently means nothing. Often parents don’t even notice they’re doing it. However he’s a grown up now and he needs to take charge of getting help with whatever issues he has.

usually after a few days once he’s calmed down

Not a good sign at all. Good men don’t cause such an atmosphere at home for days at a time. It sounds like you’ve just seen his behaviour through others’ eyes for the first time and realised that he’s actually an arsehole.

Are you happy with this man? Forgetting the funeral for a minute, there are a few potential red flags.
If you are rethinking the whole thing then please remember that you have options and DH need never know. I'd hold off telling him you are pregnant until you are certain it is what you want.

@Colpered with your last update I think
a lot to think about . Seems if this was a one of foe your dh then you would be be more sympathetic but many be it’s the icing on the cake.
Yes think long and hard about having a child in this relationship

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. If he did not see his Dad when he was dying he should not have gone to the funeral. In attending, getting drink and kicking off he made it all about him. I understand he may have issues, but he should have thought about his mum and the rest of the family and you. He did none of those things. I think he needs to seek therapy for his family issues and also for his aggression.

Usually when he shouts it’s just me and him, behind closed doors. No one else ever sees it. He always apologises eventually, usually after a few days once he’s calmed down. But this time — the way he was so ready to kick off in front of everyone, especially his niece and nephew (7 and 8) — it’s made me rethink things. Like if that’s how easily he loses it, how’s that going to go once there’s a child involved?

It's an emotionally charged event that make it clear he was never going to have the father son relationship he wanted - emotions were always going to be high.

If you weren't worried about shouting before I think it's odd it pick one of the worse moment of his life and then decide you are. If you were in denial and it was always a problem well it need addressing now before there is a baby and extra strain all round.

Like most situations though if you have actual concerns about his conduct wait for a good moment and have an adult conversation about your worries with him. If you get no where well you'll either need outside help - marriage guidance/counseling for him - or you need to consider the entire relationship as babies while lovely do tend to make existing strains worse.

This read like your much more concerned with appearances with his family - frankly if his behavor a real concern that really is the least of your problems. Having a baby with a shouty emotionally out of control man should be were the concern is - not he made us look bad in front of his family.

There is a lot of projection going on from other posters with their experiences of abuse. It is not clear from what you have said whether or not your DH was actually abused or experienced a typical childhood in his cultural context.

I recommend that you talk to a close friend who is mature, level-headed, discrete and has insight into your situation. You need to urgently decide on your next steps, especially given that you are pregnant.

FYI...many African families also have a special reverence for the first-born son which can create a level of resentment while growing up. The overwhelming majority of adults outgrow this resentment as they see the generational burdens and extended family responsibilities imposed on the first-born son...and are very grateful for their greater level of freedom.

I feel sorry for your husband in a way but I do think he behaved badly at the wake.
I have experienced plenty of loss, both parents, my husband, other friends and relatives and I understand that feelings can run high but I don't think it was the place to make a scene and I think he should apologise to his Mum.
There's no point in you expressing anger to him. Personally I would say that you understand his feelings but it wasn't the place and you feel he should apologise.
I would then step back and let him deal with it as he sees fit.
Who knows whether he was really badly treated or whether his perceptions are bit distorted but he's your husband and I would be sympathetic and not question what he says. Its how he sees it and that dictates how he feels.
I do think he would benefit from speaking to a therapist but he would need to be careful in selecting a therapist.