DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

[Colpered]

Bit of a rant tbh. DH’s dad died last week. They were never close — he always said his older brother was the golden boy, favourite child, could do no wrong etc. Been a sore point for years but he usually keeps it to himself.

Anyway, the wake was yesterday and DH got absolutely off his face. Started telling anyone who’d stand still long enough that his dad never loved him, that his brother got everything growing up and he got nothing. Got louder and louder, ended up having a go at his brother — full on threatening him in front of everyone. Was properly heated, had to be pulled away.

Whole thing was just awful. His mum was trying not to cry, people were whispering, I wanted the ground to swallow me.

He’s in bed now feeling sorry for himself. I don’t even know what to say to him. I get that he’s upset, but it felt like he made it all about him — turned a wake into some drama about childhood trauma.

AIBU to be livid? I feel sorry for him in some ways but Jesus Christ, it was a funeral. Not the time. I don’t even want to show my face around his family now.

Jesus have some empathy OP
Poor man is grieving, not ideal at the funeral but he needs to get it off his chest.
Be gentle with him, he will be a mess.

In the absence of context, one can only judge on what they've been given.

nothing like a funeral for bringing out the truth. At my mil funeral it was announced to her husband and the world in general that the youngest son was not the son of the father but she had had an affair less than 2 years after the wedding. great for killing the occasion stone dead
throw in alcohol as well and it can all kick off. i guess your husband has been bottling things up for years and it just all came out even though it was the wrong time really

Really sad. I would go gently with him.

That's why funerals are a bad idea as its always about unresolved issues and resentments. Its all about them not about the person who has died. After the shenanigans at my brother's funeral and the ex wife, I've stated in my will I don't want a funeral.

AIBU to be livid?

Kindly, yes.

Sounds like your DH had an unhappy upbringing. He’s probably been holding onto a lot of resentment, anger and rejection for years and years. Which is incredibly tough to deal with, especially for blokes when society tells them to “man up”.
Mix that in with a funeral and alcohol - a recipe for an emotional outburst.

Funerals are bad enough when you don’t have any unconventional relationships with your family. Funerals and death can bring out allsorts of emotion. Guilt, sadness, anger etc.

Was threatening his brother the right thing to do? No.
Is it any wonder why your DH acted this way? Also no.

You need to support him through this time. Not be angry with him.

Don't we all know by now that nothing is ever what it seems?

We can only go on what is written in the OP. And bizarrely, op chose to omit some extremely pertinent information until really far into the thread…

You're right, it wasn't the place and even in our grief we still have self-control. He shouldn't have hit the drink as that will have decreased any restraint he has. It's not the end of the world though and he is obviously struggling to find a way to deal with many unresolved issues and feelings, and you also don't magically know how to deal with the fallout - and honestly, why should you. You can stay out of it.

DH lost the plot at his Dad's funeral. DH had spent his life trying to please his Dad, to no avail. At the wake DH got roaring drunk and became tearful, then belligerent before finally starting an argument with his SIL.

It didn't occur to me to feel embarrassed because I could see how much he was hurting. And because I love him.

Not the point, but where on earth do you live to be able to have a funeral a week after the death? People are waiting over a month here!

That's already been answered. Read OP's posts.

I think you seem to have no idea how having parents who treated you badly all your life effects you. Your attitude to your husband seems quite uncaring.

Grief makes people do odd thing, mix that with alcohol and unresolved childhood trauma 💥!
id think now isn’t the right time to challenge his behaviour.

This.

Certainly for me, and possibly others, what OP described in her opening post about her H's feelings towards his father, rang such a chord with me that I couldn't help but sympathise with him.

I didn't even go to my father's funeral. I went to my mother's and bitterly regretted it.

Do you know the Philip Larkin poem This be the verse. That starts " They fuck you up, your Mum and Dad"
Well that's why I leapt to his defense.

He isn't only grieving the loss of his father,he's grieving the loss of a relationship which has no chance now of being built upon now his father has gone. He doesn't sound like a man who would agree to counselling but I feel it would be good for him,even grief counselling which can be arranged via his GP.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Your DH has wanted to start a family & while waiting he's had to watch his brother settled with children. He needs a hand hold & a huge hug.

Sounds as if he is angry & volatile in general.

Usually when he shouts it’s just me and him, behind closed doors.

I've been married 30yrs & my husband has never shouted.

That's not unusual is it?

What? On Mumsnet, usually everything is a man's fault.

He needs to get his arse out of bed and go and apologise to his mum and brother

OP I think yabvu. Funerals / wakes ARE actually the place where these things tend to kick off, grief is rife, emotions are high, nobody can self regulate.

And I disagree that it's not about him. It is.

Your role here is to support HIM not decide if there's truth to the claims.

The shouting at home is unacceptable and should be addressed separately.

yabu. it’s funny how people can be not very nice in life and every knows it but as soon as they are dead everyone has to be nice and speak kindly of them. your partner has every right to be angry.

I think it’s more unusual to have never shouted tbh. Shouting and losing one’s temper occasionally are the traits of a perfectly normal human being.

Hmm I don’t think alcohol fuelled rants are ever great, but it sounds like he said a few home truths that probably needed saying. Yes I get the setting may have felt inappropriate, and it’s a shame his mum was upset, but people who were cunts when alive don’t stop being so when they die

I’d just leave it OP. It’s not about you, your DH sounds like he has a lot to deal with. Just be there for him, he’s probably mortified now on top of everything else.

Yes, I can't imagine being married for that long and not once having raised your voice. Then again, there's quite a lot on this thread I Cannot imagine.