DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

[Colpered]

Bit of a rant tbh. DH’s dad died last week. They were never close — he always said his older brother was the golden boy, favourite child, could do no wrong etc. Been a sore point for years but he usually keeps it to himself.

Anyway, the wake was yesterday and DH got absolutely off his face. Started telling anyone who’d stand still long enough that his dad never loved him, that his brother got everything growing up and he got nothing. Got louder and louder, ended up having a go at his brother — full on threatening him in front of everyone. Was properly heated, had to be pulled away.

Whole thing was just awful. His mum was trying not to cry, people were whispering, I wanted the ground to swallow me.

He’s in bed now feeling sorry for himself. I don’t even know what to say to him. I get that he’s upset, but it felt like he made it all about him — turned a wake into some drama about childhood trauma.

AIBU to be livid? I feel sorry for him in some ways but Jesus Christ, it was a funeral. Not the time. I don’t even want to show my face around his family now.

Oh yes, the drip feed, you were waiting for.

Why on earth would one choose to actively try and conceive with an awful husband? The update is very, very convenient.

And what a drip feed it was!

You are making this all about you. I hope your DH is okay I'm sure he feels bad enough as it is

**

Obviously there's more going on than just the wake, it's part of a pattern of selfish immature behaviour. Bust ups aren't rare at funerals but that doesn't make it ok.I don't at all blame OP for being ashamed of him.

‘Turned a wake into some drama about childhood trauma’

That’s his wife saying that. So if his own wife dismisses his feelings and belittles his childhood trauma then I can only imagine how lonely and angry he feels. Not very supportive are you? Perhaps cut from the same cloth as his dad.

I read it - she got pg with a shouty man but only after funeral is she having doubts.

I've no idea what to say to that - why TTC in such a case - what to do now she is pg.

Clearly he's not in a great headspace - but this needs tackling - but it's seperate to the funeral blow back.

TBH maybe he'll be less shouty with less contact with is family or maybe this is a wider issue that need tackling before the baby comes and wtf was OP thinking TTC in such a situation without tackling this all before hand.

What a surprise that the mum denies any favouritism, that there is a major preference for the older brother in an Indian family (coming from one myself), and that there is mortification re expressing very raw emotions at the funeral (with the assumption that decorum matters more than emotions).
Seriously, take the time to listen to your husband and try understand what his experiences have been. His brother may be very calm and cool in appearance, but that's also easier when you're the golden child.

"I don’t even want to show my face around his family now."

This really isn't about you, have some empathy for goodness sake.

I am taken aback at the comments - bear in mind I had an abusive father who I am very LC with. But I would never cause a scene like this. If it was a one off, I would be able to move past it but this is part of a pattern of ragey behaviour.

I inagine it has probably put into perspective for OP how bad his temper really is by seeing other people’s reaction to it - it is easier to let things slide sadly when directed just at yourself in your own 4 walls.

This should be a lesson to posters to include all relevant info in the first post.

OP, you are not going to get any sensible advice. Insist he goes to therapy and don't be his verbal punching bag.

In Indian families the eldest son is seen as the person to carry on the traditions, family name, and care for the parents when elderly.
I’d be surprised if him and his brother weren’t treated differently.

Feel sad for your husband - must be years of pain.

his poor brother. He has also
lost his father and then ends up.being attacked by his brother at the funeral.

Yes, honestly, why would you want a kid with an angry, shouty man? That makes zero sense and is unfair to the child.

Maybe also for people to not jump to conclusions and be unkind as no one ever knows the whole story from a post on here.

You mean the man who shouts at OP whenever he feels stressed ? The man who had so little respect for anyone elses’ grief - including that of his own mother - that he made the wake all about him by using it as an opportunity to air his grievances. He clearly has issues but that was neither the time nor the place. If he wanted no contact with his father while he was ill, why on earth did he go to the funeral ? I suspect it hit home that the opportunity to resolve things between himself and his father has gone - and he’ll never know whether the opportunity for a resolution would have presented itself, had he not decided to cut his father off when he was dying.

Of course it’s about OP. She’s part of his family, and will likely have to face the repercussions as much as him. She’s also been at the business end of his shitty, shouty behaviour so I can well understand why she would be mortified at witnessing him berating his family in the same way.

I don’t think I could give him a hard time about that.

Rang true to me. Nothing convenient about it - she found out about the pregnancy on the day his father died, and still hasn’t told him about it. Very wise in my view with the stress and anxiety of everything else going on. But no doubt posters will leap on it to pick holes and use it as another stick with which to beat.

I didn’t think me being pregnant was relevant to my OP — it’s not why I posted. I only mentioned it later because it’s obviously making everything feel more intense and complicated right now.

I haven’t told him I’m pregnant because this past week’s been hectic and emotional and it just hasn’t felt like the right moment. Every day has felt like one long fallout, and I honestly didn’t want to add to the chaos.

I wasn’t sure about TTC at first. I wanted to focus on my career for now but in the end he persuaded me. It wasn’t a huge fight or anything, he just kept saying there’s never a perfect time, we’d make it work, he wanted a family etc. So I agreed.

Usually when he shouts it’s just me and him, behind closed doors. No one else ever sees it. He always apologises eventually, usually after a few days once he’s calmed down. But this time — the way he was so ready to kick off in front of everyone, especially his niece and nephew (7 and 8) — it’s made me rethink things. Like if that’s how easily he loses it, how’s that going to go once there’s a child involved?

Your DH must be feeling terrible and ashamed. Don’t give him a hard time.

You say that his outburst was like a child having a tantrum. That is completely normal. When dealing with childhood trauma, an adult will display the same behaviour as a child the same age as when they felt that way. So if he first started feeling second best when he was 5 years old, his feelings will come out like a 5 year old’s.

Tell him you’re pregnant today. Support him to look forward and not backwards. Your news could be just what he (and the rest of the family) needs to move forwards and put this behind them.

Baffling how so many have rushed to defend a constantly angry, shouty man on a women's website. Don't we all know by now that nothing is ever what it seems?
Now the OP is being blamed for being pregnant.
In sum, nothing is ever a man's fault.

Well, as I said upthread, he should have thought of that before cutting off his father when he was dying. The opportunity for resolution may well have presented itself then at some point. He’ll never know now will he ? And I suspect that’s part of the reason he kicked off.