DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

[Colpered]

Bit of a rant tbh. DH’s dad died last week. They were never close — he always said his older brother was the golden boy, favourite child, could do no wrong etc. Been a sore point for years but he usually keeps it to himself.

Anyway, the wake was yesterday and DH got absolutely off his face. Started telling anyone who’d stand still long enough that his dad never loved him, that his brother got everything growing up and he got nothing. Got louder and louder, ended up having a go at his brother — full on threatening him in front of everyone. Was properly heated, had to be pulled away.

Whole thing was just awful. His mum was trying not to cry, people were whispering, I wanted the ground to swallow me.

He’s in bed now feeling sorry for himself. I don’t even know what to say to him. I get that he’s upset, but it felt like he made it all about him — turned a wake into some drama about childhood trauma.

AIBU to be livid? I feel sorry for him in some ways but Jesus Christ, it was a funeral. Not the time. I don’t even want to show my face around his family now.

I feel sorriest for your husband.

Yes, he is shouty with me at times. Not violent or anything like that, just loud and reactive when he’s stressed or angry. That’s part of why this whole thing has hit so hard — it’s not a one-off for him to lose his temper. This time just happened to be in front of 50+ people at a funeral.

Well, then he needs anger management and grief counseling, obviously. And you need to decide what you want for the rest of your life.

I don’t like being around shouty people either OP and won’t tolerate it. I think your gut is trying to tell you something about him which is why this has upset you - does he feel safe?

You mean the man who shouts at the OP even before his dad died?

Exactly. He threatened his brother in front of his kids. Surprised how harsh posters are to op.

I dont feel violent towards her but I wld defo want to smash her face in at the funeral considering the absolute lies and BS she came out with.

It's always how the updates go though isn't it.

He's grieving and struggling with emotions over something that will now never be fixed as his dad's gone. Add in the alcohol, it's unfortunate but he needs support not more judgment. I'm assuming he's not feeling great about the scene he made?

YANBU to be livid about his behaviour.

I totally understand his conflict - when my abusive father died I was a myriad of emotions. And was caught off guard by the grief that hit me for the Dad I'd never ever have. However, I stayed away from the funeral and everything around it

The fact that he's shouty with you shows that he's a man with no current wish to control his emotional or care for how he treats other people.

I'd be telling him to have therapy to sort that out or I'd be reconsidering the relationship. Regardless of how poor he views his upbringing to have been (and I do get it - my earliest memory is violence) he's got no right to go through life expecting to use people as verbal punchbags.

@Colpered in the nicest possible way of course his mum is going to say they were treated the same, she was the one doing the unfair treating as well! Don’t tell him it didn’t happen, it’s his experience.

I’ve just got through reading it, and it puts a bit of a different perspective on things doesn’t it ? This isn’t the first time by any means that OP has taken the brunt of his anger - it’s just that this time it happened in front of his whole family. And the added stress of TTC and then finding out she’s pregnant on the day his father died. Very difficult, and there have been some very harsh responses here. To those saying that OP doesn’t need to deal with the fallout - of course she does. She’s part of his family and clearly there will be repercussions

AIBU to be livid? I feel sorry for him in some ways but Jesus Christ, it was a funeral. Not the time. I don’t even want to show my face around his family now.

YABVVU
What a way to make the death of his father, centric to you and how you feel.
Whether you want to show your face in front of his family is absolutely irrelevant. He's hurting, and on top of this you're now belittling his experience, his actions, his stance and worse still taking side with his family.

It's not your problem to solve. It's his family, its his past, its his experience. Stop siding with who he feels aggrieved by at the point of time when his father just died. You'll be making it worse, not better especially if he's already prone to taking put his anger toward you.

You were TTC. Why did you not tell him you were pregnant?

Read the OP’s last update. Puts a different perspective on things. She’s not siding with his family at all, she’s reeling from it all. And to be honest if he hadn’t visited his father the whole time he was ill, why on earth did he go to the funeral ? There is no resolution to the difficulties between him and his father, and the opportunity for reconciliation is lost. He will now have to live the rest of his life wondering whether it would have been possible, had he not decided to cut his father out of his life when he was dying.

Because she found out she was pregnant on the day his father died.

Why is everyone defending DH so hard? Is it because he’s a man?!

if OP got rotten drunk and threatened violence I’m sure you’d all be down her neck about it! check your deep routed misogyny people!

although I have empathy for DH in this situation he’s still a fully grown adult and needs to take accountability. You can’t cause an absolute scene just because you’re upset.

you all sound like OP should be caring for him like a little wounded soldier or something. She’s newly pregnant, hormonal, and LITERALLY ASKING FOR ADVICE.

just ease off and be kind, doesn’t cost a thing!

My sympathise to you OP. Who behaves like this at a funeral? Very bad manners. He should have stayed away and told everyone why if he wanted to but to make a scene like that - what an appalling experience for everyone ! HE was NOT what it was about!

His father died a week ago. That's a week of choosing not to tell your husband that you are pregnant. I'm curious as to why?

Because he's angry, shouty and reactive?

No, you wanted to be right.

Perhaps the OP can answer for herself?

Sounds like he needs a hug, I can’t imagine how he must feel.

He's a man with a temper clearly. Add alcohol and grief on top of a lifetime of feeling unworthy and you have a recipe for disaster.
It wasn't the time or place and I do understand why you're embarrassed, I think people are giving you a hard time unnecessarily on that issue. However, when someone has strong suppressed emotions this is what can happen. He lost control. He may well be embarrassed himself later. And the grief will be with him for a while. He has lost a parent and any chance of reconciling or dealing with regrets.
My feeling is that you should support him for now in this. I wouldn't take any notice of what his mother said. If he was treated the way you say then she was complicit and is continuing the denial and gaslighting.
Going forward, he needs counselling. And I'd be much more worried about the fact he shouts at you. That needs to stop and he needs some reflection on how his past trauma is continuing to cause problems with someone who does not deserve the fallout. Dealing with the issues with a therapist will help.

I suspected I was right. And I was.

I come from the same culture.

DH did threaten him with violence. Not just angry words, actual “I’ll smash your face in” level stuff. Had to be pulled away.

And he did that in front of the brother's young children.

But apparently OP shouldn't be mortified. And his mother, who's lost her husband, shouldn't be angry.

It seems that the majority think his grief should be recognised, yet his mother's and his brother's can be shrugged off. And those poor kids...