DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

[Colpered]

Bit of a rant tbh. DH’s dad died last week. They were never close — he always said his older brother was the golden boy, favourite child, could do no wrong etc. Been a sore point for years but he usually keeps it to himself.

Anyway, the wake was yesterday and DH got absolutely off his face. Started telling anyone who’d stand still long enough that his dad never loved him, that his brother got everything growing up and he got nothing. Got louder and louder, ended up having a go at his brother — full on threatening him in front of everyone. Was properly heated, had to be pulled away.

Whole thing was just awful. His mum was trying not to cry, people were whispering, I wanted the ground to swallow me.

He’s in bed now feeling sorry for himself. I don’t even know what to say to him. I get that he’s upset, but it felt like he made it all about him — turned a wake into some drama about childhood trauma.

AIBU to be livid? I feel sorry for him in some ways but Jesus Christ, it was a funeral. Not the time. I don’t even want to show my face around his family now.

His behaviour might be understandable but it's not excusable.

Whether his feeling are justified or not - there aren't his brother's fault, aggression isn't reasonable and his timing shows a lack of self control.

The man is clearly hurting and needs to find a way to deal with it - bereavement counselling woukd at least be a start.

I have been to many wakes and it is uncomfortable for everyone when someone gets very upset about their own undealt with relationship with the deceased. Your husband didn't know how to deal with his emotions, thats very hard on him & his family.
What's not acceptable is become threatening to anyone else. Hopefully your husband & his brother can clear the air soon and move pass this.
I was at a wake, where someone became agressive. Their immediate family initially ignored them but unfortunately they then were violent towards some people.
Unfortunately wakes / funerals can bring out the worse in people.

I can see both sides and feel you're getting a very unfair bashing op.

If a relative or partner of mine was drunk and spoiling for a fight at a wake I'd also be mortified. I'd be really surprised if anyone wasn't to be honest.

Grief can certainly do strange things and he deserves compassion, but that doesn't make his behaviour ok at a wake, especially in front of children. Drinking to excess at a wake is never a good idea.

I’m not saying I know everything about their lives, obviously I don’t. It’s just from what I’ve seen over the years, and from what his mum and other family have said. Maybe I’ve got it wrong, maybe there’s more under the surface — I can accept that. But I’m just trying to process everything too.

Yes, he is shouty with me at times. Not violent or anything like that, just loud and reactive when he’s stressed or angry. That’s part of why this whole thing has hit so hard — it’s not a one-off for him to lose his temper. This time just happened to be in front of 50+ people at a funeral.

To make matters worse, we were TTC… and I found out I was pregnant the same day his dad passed. I haven’t told him yet. Feels like such a mess. I don’t even know if this is a good thing anymore or if I can cope with all this.

👏

You're his wife, your only role in this is to support your husband. You don't have to worry about his relationship with his family. You don't need to be "livid" about the effect he had at his dad's funeral - that's for him and his family to worry about. Whether he never talks to them again or whether he makes it up with them, whether you feel sorry for his mum or you think his brother was right... none of that matters. Just be there for your husband during this obviously difficult time.

you could try saying, dh i totally understand why you lost the head at the funeral, i do, but we both know that its not good for you to be so distressed that you end up in that state. Why dont you ignore any txts from your mother from the time being, put that away from you, and maybe focus on why you are so upset and what we can do as husband and wife to help you through this.
You could say, I have no idea what its like for you to lose a parent you felt so unloved by, and that breaks my heart for you, but i will do my very best to make sure you get through this and come out of it a stronger, happier, healthier man. I will show you the love and support you felt you never got , and we wont let this break us.
You could say, when you have time to catch your breath, why dont we try find out about councelling, and maybe we wont reach for a drink while we try to navigate this, it rarely helps, we both know that.

You could say, you are good man, and its a testimant to you that you have a wife and family that love you and you love, considering what a toxic environment you were reared in, and i want you to focus on that and find the beauty in that in yourself, and while you do, ill be right here beside you.
How bout giving that a shot OP?

Your husband is entitled to his grief. He’s grieving the father he never had.

I don’t understand why you are making this all about you?

I also think your mother in law was dramatic in the circumstances and I’m wondering if your deceased father in law was the biological father of your husband.

Stop making this about you. It’s not about you.

In England we were told we were lucky to get a month - and that because we took first slot offered despite early time.

It's crept up from DGP decade ago think that was just past 2 weeks.

It did make it hard in some ways TBH.

Honestly though deaths and family dynamics are hard.

My Dad was told things that emphasized how he got all the grunt work and his kids ignored and favored child all the attention - he knew that but it clearly really hurt him - but he didn't make a scene or fall out with anyone - but was clearly deeply upset and frankly that was also hard to see. TBH that how we handle things in family we put on a public face and hurt and bitch and stop being close because of unspoken feelings - not sure that's better.

👏

YABU. If he really was tge scapegoat to to his golden child brother it would have been awful for him. If true his mother had decades to set it right. These things often come out when acohol flows and emotions are high at funerals. Perhaps he shouldn't have gone, shouldn't have drunk or walked away but you really need to support him.

Your DH is raw, things were probably left unsaid. Together with his pain of loss, and the influence of alcohol it sounds like he lost control. He probably drank to numb his pain and feelings, but it sounds like it simply opened the floodgates to his childhood pain and trauma.
YOU ARE BEING UNREASONABLE. Right now he needs your full support, he’s hurting, he’s grieving for a father that he never felt ‘good enough’ for, and trust me, I know that feeling, and unless you’ve been there you cannot empathise or begin to understand, what you can do though is be there for him.
I doubt the reason he’s in bed is because he feels sorry for himself, rather he likely feels cast adrift by his wife and that no one cares or understands. That’s a tough place to be.
You should be ashamed of yourself, and if you don’t want to show your face around his family then don’t, that’s your problem, no one else’s.

Oh op that sounds so hard. I can understand why seeing his behaviour at the wake might have reinforced your feelings about how he reacts when he's stressed at other times and made you question bringing a baby into the mix.

Theres no easy answers. I hope you can talk all this through with someone supportive and decide where to go from here. It sounds like dh has a lot of processing to do too.

I wouldn't take his mum saying they were treated the same at face value. She's never going to admit otherwise even if she recognises it. My mum would say we were all treated the same but I could give a whole long list of examples were middle child (boy) was treated massively better than me (girl) and youngest (accident).

Well yes, his mum would say that both boys were treated the same, wouldn’t she? Otherwise she’d have to acknowledge and disclose that she was partially responsible for her child having a very sad life. Why the fuck are you taking her word for it over his?

No, it wasn’t the ideal way to deal with it. But your priorities are seriously skewed here. I do care about him — I just don’t know how to deal with the fallout from this It’s not your fallout to deal with. He feels the way he feels for a reason and you weren’t there at the time to know for sure, one way or the other. So unless there’s some big back story like he’s got a history of lying, your job is to support him and believe him. If his mum phones you, then you tell her exactly that, and that she’ll need to talk about it with him. If anyone else contacts you, you tell them it’s for the mum and two brothers to sort out between them and everyone else needs to mind their own business.

This. Maybe find some empathy!

Wow not my way , it sadly can take weeks .

Right. I thought so. He's a shouty angry man even to his wife.
I thought so. Can posters stop rushing to defend him now?
I"d insist he goes to therapy. Tell him about the pregnancy later.

Totally agree, we’ll said

Who needs enemies when you've got you as a wife. You DH is obviously going through something, was the timing great, no, but geez have a little sympathy/empathy. It's not about you.

My grandmother was horrible to my dad. But she would have said all the children were treated the same. Just like she would have said that my sibling and I were treated the same as the other grandchildren. They lie to themselves.

I am going to guess NO ONE is going to read the OP's update about how her DH shouts at her!

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. It is very reasonable for you to feel upset, embarrassed, mortified by DH - he has acted like a child at an event where it was entirely inappropriate to do that. However, grief makes people act in strange ways, and I can appreciate that he probably has a lot of built up resentment towards his dad, which he will now never be able to resolve.

Best of luck going forwards and congratulations on your pregnancy!

If you felt violent towards your sister, then you probably made a wise choice by not going to the funeral. And if OP’s DH felt similar towards his brother then he should have stayed away. OP mentioned that he didn’t visit has dad while he was ill because he didn’t want to be a hypocrite, so having made that stand I don’t understand why he went to the funeral at all.

I think people are losing sight of the fact that this was a wake, and his drunken and aggressive behaviour was totally unacceptable. He showed no respect for anyone who was grieving - including his own mother, the widow. It wasn’t the time or the place, and I understand where OP is coming from.

Having said that I don’t think there is any point in being angry, because he’s clearly suffering and I think if OP loves him she should use this as an opportunity to get him some therapy so he can work out his issues and come to terms with the fact that his father has gone, so there will be no opportunity for reconciliation. But I do wonder whether he has to accept some of the blame for that - the opportunity may well have presented itself if he had visited his father while he was ill. Now he’s probably carrying some guilt for that too. I hope OP can find it in her heart to put this behind her and be supportive of him getting help to sort out his feelings and move on.