Petrol money - girls trip

[Bigfishlittlefishcardboardbox39]

Me and my best friend are going away for the night in a few weeks that’s a good couple of hours away. We both decided on the venue and both paying equally for the stay.
We’ve been friends for over half of our lives now and have a very close relationship for context.
When I asked about getting there she said she’d drive but could I give her some petrol money. I don’t know why but it’s irked me because 1. She’s going there anyway and 2. We’re best friends, I just couldn’t charge her if it were me. And no, I can’t drive there myself because my husband needs our car.
My husband always scoffs at this dynamic in our relationship. I’m not the best with money as a whole and potentially this is why? AIBU to feel this way? Of course I’ll still pay. We live in the same village for context.

LOL is this a joke? She is the one doing the driving, and using HER car. If anything, I think you should be stumping up two-thirds of the petrol money. You sounds very entitled and very cheeky @Bigfishlittlefishcardboardbox39 Some 'best friend' you are.

Also, LOL at the poll result! 😆

And LOL at you for not even vaguely responding to OP's measured posts and explanations and just going straight in with the assessment that she's a dreadful person.

I only have a two seater car so whenever I go out with my friends, one of them has to drive. This makes me feel horribly guilty so I always pay for parking and buy the coffee if it’s a local trip. Petrol money would of course be offered in addition if it was a further afield trip.

As another person who is significantly beyond my teenage years, that's a lovely attitude to have if you can afford it. I do that as often as I can.

I'm in the somewhat unusual position for my age of being a low earner, and boy does it make a difference if I get given a contribution towards petrol money! I always budget to have spent that money on fuel, but if I get even £20 towards it, it means I can afford a coffee and cake somewhere along the way when I would have previously made do with a flask.

So I think it's more about how much difference that money would make to the driver, from the driver's point of view. It's about not being a cheeky fucker from the passenger's point of view! Maybe it's just all about making sure that nobody is harbouring any resentment, even when too polite to say.

I do know what you mean OP, if I was the one driving I would never ask for petrol money, but if I was the passenger I would offer it. I don’t think I’d mind being asked upfront, but I just wouldn’t have asked. Plenty would, and some people are a lot better at making sure they’re never out of pocket, even for a best friend xx

@Bigfishlittlefishcardboardbox39 depends how far you’re going and what her car’s like on fuel. If she gets 30 mpg out of it and you’re going 60 miles, that’s 120 miles total for there and back, so 4 gallons roughly, divided by two of you. Or look up what HMRC says you can charge for use of your own car on work travel and pay half that. Or just ask her how much she wants, or as you’ve suggested, offer something equivalent as your contribution. Or agree you’ll drive next time.

😂

Why are people not understanding what OP is saying?

She says that she & bestie are going away & splitting costs. On this occasion she can't drive as her husband needs the car for work.

There's no suggestion that she never drives or that this friend always drives despite what posters are interpreting.

OP is irked because if roles were reversed she would not ask for petrol money. She is perhaps more generous in this relationship than the friend & this is why her husband is commenting on the weird dynamic of the friend asking for this money. OP has less money at the end of the month as she would think nothing of covering the petrol etc

My reading is OP is generous & friend is penny pinching & husband has noticed this.

I may have picked this up wrong but that's what I understood.

And if this IS the case I totally get feeling irked at being asked particularly if there have been occasions where the friend has been happy to benefit from the ops generosity

She’s probably just been upfront to avoid any awkwardness down the line. I really do think that with money just be open and it avoids so many issues.

In the spirit of openness, when it comes to how much to offer, just ask. “Oh I’m just sorting out my budget for next month, how much would you like me to send over for petrol?”

That's some lovely black and white thinking you've got there! People can be not earning a lot of money without being in financial difficulties. Yes, even beyond their 30s. We are often still able to go away and do things, imagine that! We just have to budget and plan a bit more carefully than somebody who can afford to spend a few hundred quid without thinking about it very much.

See also high earners who have high mortgages and bills and have little disposable income - I have friends who are in this position and as weird as it is from my point of view, they really feel additional expenses in the pocket. There are all sorts of reasons why it might make a genuine difference to share petrol money. Even beyond your 30s! 😉

Surely there is no set rule about this circumstance.

Would I have asked for it- nope but had a friend asked I would have paid no question.

As you get older this comes up when you go out for food or drinks etc and some people insist on paying for everything which makes some people uncomfortable, some are happy to be freeloaders, some insist on splitting everything when not necessary. My advise is (assuming you aren’t on a strict budget) to go with the flow of the situation and not make a big deal out of it.

I love splitting costs and being upfront with money. Im going on a trip with my friends this weekend and we are automatically splitting everything including petrol. Im not driving so am bringing extra treats. The driver generally gets the best room too.

@Bigfishlittlefishcardboardbox39 Well it is lucky she asked isn't it?
It obviously wouldn't have occurred to you to pony up otherwise. Maybe we would have had your mate on here next week complaining about a CF friend....

YABU.

If I’m going on a trip with anyone other than my partner (as we have joint finances) I will always offer to pay either half the petrol or I make up the amount it would have cost by paying for something else.

you need to dig a little deeper here and ask yourself where you get this sense of entitlement from?

She wasn’t a close friend by a long long shot, just my young daughter’s friend’s mum. I just felt that she could have offered to pay the parking as I drove. I thought it was standard practise to pay for parking if someone drives you somewhere!

RTFT, even just the OP's replies. She was going to offer anyway.

No, I don't really understand what the issue is either tbf

If the op hasn't as much money at the months end why is she arranging girls trips and not factoring in travel costs?

Just as an aside I have rtft and know the op has conceded and going to pay petrol money.

My thinking is based on my situation and that of my surrounding environment and friends. That’s why it’s called personal opinion because it’s personal to someone’s circumstances. Not a theoretical idealistic opinion of how things should be…I find that to be even more black and white thinking. 😉

Tbh id be happy if my friend was upfront and asked then I know what my share is. Otherwise I would buy lunch and coffees/dinner and wouldn’t know if id paid enough/too much. I like upfront conversations, we all know where we are then.

I think that this is one of those things where there is absolutely no right or wrong.

(1) She is going anyway, and she is your friend - no charge.

(2) You are getting to save 100% of petrol costs of driving there yourself, so give her half of the cost of the petrol needed.

(3) You are getting to save 100% of petrol costs, and not wearing out your car or risking damage to it, so give her half of the cost of the petrol needed, plus another 50% on top to contribute to her yearly running costs.

All perfectly reasonable.

Having said that if she's loaded and knows you're on the breadline then she is a very mean person, IMHO. If vice versa you are mean for not offering to pay half (maybe even more) from the outset.

I totally hear you OP and I voted you are not being unreasonable. This stuff irks me too, and I have never once asked a friend for petrol money. It comes in swings and roundabouts (with most people) and I'm sure you will treat her to a drink or a lunch or something over the weekend so it all evens out. Though I too am not great with finances and this might be why!!

I think maybe look at the miles. You said it’s a good couple of hours so quite a distance? I get paid 45p a mile for work but only 5p a mile for an extra passenger. I go for somewhere in the middle normally. So my rough calculation would be first 100 miles at 22.5p then 5p a mile thereafter. So if it’s a 250 miles round trip then £30.

Sometimes it’s hard to ask for money so I’d do a how much were you thinking does x sound about right?

People have different attitudes.

I go away with some family members once a year and as one has a much bigger car and there are 3 of us with 2 dogs, she always drives.

We did give money the first year but it didn't seem enough. So these days we pay for her food instead. It's far more than the petrol costs BUT she does all the driving, there's wear and tear to the car and her time.