Cancelling the kids plans because he's thrown a wobbler, aibu?

[Tulipsdaisy]

Me, my boyfriend and our respective children (not shared) were supposed to be going away this weekend, from Friday until Sunday evening. Plans were finalised. I made arrangements for somebody to house sit for me and take care of my dog, paid in advance. They moved their schedule around to accommodate me.

Background: together just shy of 16 months. We don't live together. I'm a lone parent of 2 and he has 50/50 joint custody of his 2 with his ex wife. DC introduced at the 12 month mark and get along great. Lovely.

At 9pm this evening he has text saying he needs a break, wants a weekend to himself and would rather do 'no kids' so he's asking his parents to babysit.

I said he was bang out of order springing this on me this late and asked what on earth the matter was.

He said nothing is the matter he has just had enough of his child's attitude. His DC doesn't deserve the trip, he wants a weekend to himself, he's going to bed and 'tomorrow is a new day'

My response to that was: "Well you have a nice sleep, now you've offloaded that onto me and I now have to explain to my (relative dog sitter) and inevitably upset children. Thanks a bunch"

He read that and didn't reply.

He has obviously had some cheek from his DC and now we all have to pay the price. His DC aren't badly behaved, a little bit cheeky now and then but not bad kids whatsoever.

I'm both angry and sad. He hasn't given any thought to everybody else impacted by his wobbler. It's fuck the lot of us.

I'm £50 down the drain (I'm not going to ask for for the dog sitting money back, the relative sitting for me really needed the money and jumped at the chance)

I have to explain to my DC tomorrow morning that it isn't going ahead and they're going to be so disappointed.

There has been some prior instances of him arsing about with existing plans but I don't think I can move past this one as it directly impacts the children.

AIBU to think he's a nasty, selfish dick? And what on earth do I say to the children?

He only apologised when you were forced to point out the error of his ways. He uses the word ‘apologise’ and makes an excuse blaming the child, but does his message show true regret. Does he take accountability? I think not.
He's trying to back-pedal without addressing the real problem.

I wouldn’t reply, you are too busy making last minute plans for your weekend, - without this unnecessary drama that he had no reason to dump on you and the children at the last minute, including his own.

Go away for your promised weekend with the children (if only for the day)
Let him see you don’t put up with this unreliable, mean-spirited nonsense from anybody.

Anybody who could cast off his children in that way is not a person I would want for myself -and certainly not for my own children. He’s far too risky.

How old is the kid that deleted it? Didn't you say a few years younger than 9?
If so, that's on him as the parent, not the kid's fault.

Personally I'd say - too late mate, I made alternative plans (and go and do alternative plans with my kids). If this isn't the first time he's done this I'd also dump his arse. Clearly he gave no thought to you and your kids last night, not the man for me. I say this having gone out with one of these for a while. I did a few things on my own after he let me down last minute or swung about like a pendulum and couldn't decide so I decided for him. In the end I ditched him and now have a lovely guy who'd bend over backwards to do things with me and my DD.... so much happier!

Dear me, he hasn't forsaken and abandoned his children, he just had an episode of temper and frustration last night when one of them did something that threw a serious spanner in the works for his work. It was a bit knee-jerk of him, but it lasted less than 12 hours, most of them asleep. He slept on it and changed his mind. No, he shouldn't have shared his frustration with you in such a way that it seemed like he was going to cancel the weekend, but really, using words like "inexcusable" seems a little over the top when nothing has actually happened here. He just threw his toys out of the pram temporarily and then realised he was being stupid.

If it was just the two of you going away I’d say don’t go but because it’s your kids too and they are looking forward to it you should go.

But it’s a lesson in not involving your kids in your dating. I know you waited a year to introduce them all but now this has thrown up that you not sure about him. His young dc has some behaviour issues and he’s exploding over it rather than dealing with it. He is potentially not the right man for you.

Oh I hate to say this but I too think that's actually a decent apology and if I had a tight deadline on Monday I would be stressed as well. And if his son really deleted work documents that is a pretty big deal (and a good lesson to never let your kids access your work laptop). I don't understand though why he didn't at least explain that to you initially.

I'd still go for the sake of the kids at least but definitely be on the look out for more selfish behaviour and bad communication.

I would accept it but would want to have a rational conversation about how he handles these things and why it’s an issue. If he has never realised the impact and then has that pointed out to him and makes an effort to change then that’s all good but if he has it pointed out and pushed back or says yes and still is a brat then you know what’s what.

You can’t expect change if he doesn’t know about change is needed (and no that’s not a man thing, it is an anyone who can’t see beyond their own moment thing).

Oh that's a tricky one. In this case I would go as it's been promised to the dc, you will probably need to make peace with the fact that it will be you alone parenting all 4 of them this weekend with him cherry picking the bits he wants to join in with. Get through it as others have said but I would be clear that you are there for the kids alone and that you both need to discuss how the future will be.
Also I wouldn't make any plans in future where he holds all the cards

This is why he’s a boyfriend and not a partner. A partner would have ring you up and said argh you won’t believe what my kid has done. How do we handle this so my kid has a consequence, I can get my work back on track and I don’t let you and your kids down? And you would have talked it through and found a solution.

But he’s a boyfriend who acts unilaterally and made a decision for himself without considering anyone else. And as he’s a boyfriend and not a partner, I’d step right back from involving your kids in anything to do with him and his kids. Keep seeing him for date nights if you want, but he’s shown he’s not ready to consider you all as a unit and that’s not fair to your DC.

He's apologised, I'd go for the sake of your children. Then I'd be rethinking the relationship.

His son did behave badly and not taking him on the trip is not a wholly unreasonable punishment. Ask him if he has recuva on his ipad, he may be able to get files back. https://www.ccleaner.com/recuva?srsltid=AfmBOooazBJx9QnXkNWi4dIwGTi8cy1WexQnxxbQ3hLMrgt1mGcu4Gzq

I was all for LTB until that apology. Damn he does know how to give a decent apology after he has calmed down!

I don't know what I would do, which I know isn't helpful advice. The kid deliberately sabotaging his work is a very naughty thing to do indeed (if that is what actually happened) and I can see why he would want to rescind a nice trip away as punishment - it's just that he still didn't take into account that it was unfair on his other child, you, your children and a bit shitty of him to palm his kids off on his mum at short notice. It's still the latest in a series of times that he's disrespected your plans. It's still a father who only sees his kids 50% of the time who tried to palm them off on his parents instead of parent them himself for the weekend when things got a bit hard. That's parenting, it DOES get a bit hard sometimes.

If you still go away with him, he's clearly going to still be stressed and will be working a lot of the time. I think at best there's still going to be weirdness and an atmosphere if you go.

Whether you go away with him or not this weekend, I would take some time to yourself to reflect on what this man has shown you about himself and if you still want to be in a relationship with this.

Apropros of nothing... isn't it a bit weird to do a significant amount of work-work on an ipad instead of a laptop? and isn't it a bit weird that an ipad didn't automatically back things up to the cloud? (I'm not an apple user so correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't this one of the strengths of apple products?!).

I wouldn’t just bow down after that ‘apology’. I’d breezily say that you’ve already made alternative plans with your DC because you can’t risk them being let down again.
You haven’t been with him for that long and this isn’t the first time he’s messed you around. I’d be thinking whether I wanted to keep putting up with his shit.

Seems like a decent acknowledgement of the issue and apology. I would go ahead with the trip and as long as he doesn't cancel on my kids again then would be fine.

Exactly! The kids will have a good time, this is what the whole OP was about in the first place - upset that the kids will be disappointed. Take the win OP, deal with him later.

Go with him amd his kids as planned!

Have a really good chat with him after trip (or during if you need to and get the chance) , explain your perspective and see what he says.

Give it one more go if it's all going well...

I feel a lot of this would have gone so much easier if you'd just spoken to each other rather than sending messages

If he'd phoned you last night saying he was really annoyed with his kids you could have sympathised, talked him down and worked out a plan so the weekend could still go ahead (you taking them all somewhere easy like a cinema for a few hours so he can churn out the work)? Same if you'd just rung him rather than texting him back.

And again this morning if he'd called you it would have been much easier for you to work out how genuine he was, if he understood why you were pissed off, he could have apologised properly etc.

Just talk to each other! It's so hard to read tone of voice and meaning over text.

Also he's an absolute muppet if he's brought important work home on a laptop that a) clearly isn't password protected if his child can get on it and b) isn't backed up. If I accidentally deleted something I'd be working on it would either go to the recycling bin or, if cloud stored there would be an earlier version saved automatically every so often.

I think at this stage you’d be the one cutting your nose off to spite your face if you don’t go. It wasn’t great behaviour but he’s apologised. Just keep your eyes open for any future similar incidents.

You could still take your dc away on your own of course but will it be as much fun for them? What would they rather do?

That's how I perceived it!

I think your children should make the decision here, so ask them how they'd feel about not going away and doing the theme park and anything else they want to do with just you or go away with whatshisname and take it from there.

What I would have really liked to have done if children were not involved is reply, "I'm so sorry to hear that, but unfortunately I have now made alternative arrangements."

Don’t listen to the bekind, he misbehaved, he needs a time out, you are not available this weekend anymore.
Men get the memo a lot more in real time through actions than by talking about it later (and it takes a lot less emotional energy).
This is a foundational moment for your relationship, he shapes up or ships out, your kids are young, they will forget about the change of plans.
If he gets angry, you ll have proof he is a red flag. If he accepts graciously, you ll have proof he is decent, if not perfect.
That’s why you need to push sometimes, to know what he is really made of.

I'd accept the apology but I'd still do an alternative weekend with just your DC on the basis you'll end up doing all the childcare while he's working on sorting out the docs before his deadline.

He only got back to you and explained after you messaged him twice. If he’d have sent a profuse apology off his own back, I’d say reconsider. As it is, he’s an inconsiderate, stroppy wanker who expects to be able to mess you and your kids around — you can (and deserve to) do better than this guy, honestly.

I would get rid of this one as soon as you possibly can. My dad was exactly the same ruined many of Christmas holiday and day out with his tantrums.
It gets very very wearing when the children feel like they’re more adult than the adult

Honestly, that’s a good apology. I would forgive and not bring it up again.
I don’t believe in holding mistakes over people. He knows what he did was wrong hence the apology so doesn’t need a further ‘chat’ to be told off like a child.

What do you think your kids would want to do. Ultimately put their needs first.

But, he got mad at his under 6 child for deleting files important stuff from his iPad so ultimately blaming a child. Why did a child have such access to an iPad in the first place.