Cancelling the kids plans because he's thrown a wobbler, aibu?

[Tulipsdaisy]

Me, my boyfriend and our respective children (not shared) were supposed to be going away this weekend, from Friday until Sunday evening. Plans were finalised. I made arrangements for somebody to house sit for me and take care of my dog, paid in advance. They moved their schedule around to accommodate me.

Background: together just shy of 16 months. We don't live together. I'm a lone parent of 2 and he has 50/50 joint custody of his 2 with his ex wife. DC introduced at the 12 month mark and get along great. Lovely.

At 9pm this evening he has text saying he needs a break, wants a weekend to himself and would rather do 'no kids' so he's asking his parents to babysit.

I said he was bang out of order springing this on me this late and asked what on earth the matter was.

He said nothing is the matter he has just had enough of his child's attitude. His DC doesn't deserve the trip, he wants a weekend to himself, he's going to bed and 'tomorrow is a new day'

My response to that was: "Well you have a nice sleep, now you've offloaded that onto me and I now have to explain to my (relative dog sitter) and inevitably upset children. Thanks a bunch"

He read that and didn't reply.

He has obviously had some cheek from his DC and now we all have to pay the price. His DC aren't badly behaved, a little bit cheeky now and then but not bad kids whatsoever.

I'm both angry and sad. He hasn't given any thought to everybody else impacted by his wobbler. It's fuck the lot of us.

I'm £50 down the drain (I'm not going to ask for for the dog sitting money back, the relative sitting for me really needed the money and jumped at the chance)

I have to explain to my DC tomorrow morning that it isn't going ahead and they're going to be so disappointed.

There has been some prior instances of him arsing about with existing plans but I don't think I can move past this one as it directly impacts the children.

AIBU to think he's a nasty, selfish dick? And what on earth do I say to the children?

I would probably go this weekend to avoid disappointing my children. But once the Monday work deadline is over I would be having a conversation about selfishness and I don't think I'd continue the relationship. Let me down - disappointing and shows I'm not important. Let my children down and that's the end

Your thoughts?

Ok, bye!

As you said there has been other stuff.

Go away just you & the kids so as not to be on edge that the weekend will be ruined & dump him.

He has apologised and I can see why he would of been annoyed/stressed with his dc deleting the documents. I would go for the weekend and enjoy it but I would be having a serious chat after about how this cannot happen again. He acted very selfishly and did not consider the consequences for you or your children, especially when you say this has happened before. I'd count this as the first red flag and start considering whether there is a future in this relationship.

@Tulipsdaisy no don’t go tell him it’s too late you have cancelled and mads other plans .
Id give him a taste of his own medicine and I’d take the weekend to think about the relationship.
In all honesty I’d end it before he gets in any deeper with your kids . Less chance to let everyone down .

Tell our boys he had to work.

After all the back and forth would you really enjoy going away with him still? This episode must have really shone a new light on him.

If you’ve already made the other plans, I’d let him know you’d be carrying on with the revised plans with you and your DC only, and that you’d catch up with him for a serious conversation when you get back.

if you haven’t already made the other plans you’d be cutting off your nose to spite your face to not go, so I’d probably go along with it due to the short notice for your DC, who will have been looking forward to it. I’d still have the serious conversation with him though.

This

Not all of us can take an immediate measured approach & response when someone has done something that impacts us/our work, potentially in a negative way.

I'd assume now I know more, that he sent that message in the heat of the moment. He's slept on it and is now more rational and has apologised. I wouldn't see this as a deal breaker, but if he had followed through on last nights message then it would be for me

If you and your kids want to go, then go. I probably would. Why cut off your nose etc etc - not much better than him if you decide not to go as a kneejerk reaction. But in the future, after the weekend, tell him that if he ever pulls a stunt like that again without discussing with you first, then you will not forgive and forget.

I'm astonished that so many would actually end a relationship off the back of this. He threw a strop, sent a message that he clearly didn't mean, apologised for it the next morning and tried to put it right. In the grand scheme of things this is pretty minor. If there have been other red flags then maybe it's worth considering more, but this just sounds like someone being human to me. I wouldn't like it, but I wouldn't turn my back on an otherwise good relationship as a result. When it came to the crunch I wonder how many people really would.

It sounds like something that would have gone differently if you lived together, or if one of you had picked up the phone.

That talking it through stage would have happened sooner, and got to sensible solution sooner.

Enjoy the weekend. Take a good book for while he’s working.

it seems a regular thing that people encourage others to end their relationships over absolutely nothing.
He's explained and I would move on with life and go. We can't all handle things perfectly all the time

"No, thank you, we're not here to be picked up and put down depending on your moods. You do what you like this weekend, I'm taking the boys to <theme park>. Have a lovely weekend, we'll talk when we're back".

Don't let him dictate your life.

Do what you think is best about the relationship overall, but if he's pissed off with his kid and stressed about work, it will not be a good weekend away.

To be fair seeing the reason why he wanted to cancel, is I’m sure the reaction most of us would have had, shame he didn’t go into detail with a phone call. Seeing the apology I would reconsider going, but only if it’s not going to cause a more difficult situation between him and his DS with you 3 stuck in the middle.

I can understand why he was stressed but why would he ask if you’d go without your DC?

Tell him plans have changed enough for this weekend, it has been cancelled, it’s gonna stay cancelled, that you’d prefer someone with a better control of their temper and more considerate of others, and that you will see him next week. And if he whines about his work, tell him to ask for a demotion if he can’t handle the pressure rather than to take it out on his kids or you.

Amber/red flag and he needs to live through the consequences of his actions.

Text him back and say you've made alternative atlrrangements for the weekend & you'll catch up to discuss things after you return.

He doesn't get to decide that it's back on again after he initially cancelled it. By agreeing to his suggestion now, you'll give him the signal that he can do this again & what he says goes.

You go with your kids and he stays behind to parent his own kids and catch up on work. I can guarantee you that he'll want to use you as a babysitter while he works.

Maybe I’m nitpicking but

1. ‘I apologise’ hmm it’s a bit passive … why not I’m so sorry?
2. it’s the fault of his child behaving badly apparently… no it’s not, his child did something wrong and your partner behaved badly towards you - he needs to show he takes responsibility for that behaviour
3. Is he expecting you to look after all the kids in the evenings so that he can catch up on work? Sounds a bit shit

I think I would have a proper conversation today on the phone so that he has the opportunity to properly apologise and explain why he won’t do anything like that again. Any doubts? Then, keep him away from your kids from now on.

He lost his temper, made a snap decision and now regrets it.

Go on the holiday, don't disappoint your DC, then when you are home, have a good talk about why he can't do this when you and other DC are involved.

There's a lot of sense in this.

For sex

You’ll only have yourself to blame for all your kids future misery at the hands of this prick and being let down constantly, if you let this go. I might be tempted to just let them enjoy this weekend if they’re really excited but be prepared to end it on monday. This is just the tip of an iceberg and inexcusable. His poor kids. And he gave no thought to dumping his kids back on his ex wife so SHE doesn’t get her child free weekend.

i also think he was aiming for you to also dump your kids so he could have a child free weekend. Just because they’ve messed with something work related on a tablet doesn’t mean he gets to opt out of being a bloody parent. You or the ex wife would just have to get on with it.

"Just go without him!" is like the new "Cancel the cheque!" 😆

OP if you feel like you can go and enjoy the weekend without too much resentment then maybe go as you have the dogsitter booked.
Then make it absolutely clear that you will not tolerate such selfishness or him letting your children down again and its over if he does.

If it's too late and you can't face it, then tell him you've already made alternative plans and you are reconsidering the relationship.

Tbh it's never going to change.
I'd be saying "no, I have made alternative plans with my DC and I'm not messing them about again"

After the weekend I'd be throwing this one back

Looks like you’re starting to see why his last relationship didn’t work out.

I’d go but definitely have a serious chat about his attitude to stressful situations as he’s done it more than once.

I’d go but definitely have a serious chat about his attitude to stressful situations as he’s done it more than once.