Cancelling the kids plans because he's thrown a wobbler, aibu?

[Tulipsdaisy]

Me, my boyfriend and our respective children (not shared) were supposed to be going away this weekend, from Friday until Sunday evening. Plans were finalised. I made arrangements for somebody to house sit for me and take care of my dog, paid in advance. They moved their schedule around to accommodate me.

Background: together just shy of 16 months. We don't live together. I'm a lone parent of 2 and he has 50/50 joint custody of his 2 with his ex wife. DC introduced at the 12 month mark and get along great. Lovely.

At 9pm this evening he has text saying he needs a break, wants a weekend to himself and would rather do 'no kids' so he's asking his parents to babysit.

I said he was bang out of order springing this on me this late and asked what on earth the matter was.

He said nothing is the matter he has just had enough of his child's attitude. His DC doesn't deserve the trip, he wants a weekend to himself, he's going to bed and 'tomorrow is a new day'

My response to that was: "Well you have a nice sleep, now you've offloaded that onto me and I now have to explain to my (relative dog sitter) and inevitably upset children. Thanks a bunch"

He read that and didn't reply.

He has obviously had some cheek from his DC and now we all have to pay the price. His DC aren't badly behaved, a little bit cheeky now and then but not bad kids whatsoever.

I'm both angry and sad. He hasn't given any thought to everybody else impacted by his wobbler. It's fuck the lot of us.

I'm £50 down the drain (I'm not going to ask for for the dog sitting money back, the relative sitting for me really needed the money and jumped at the chance)

I have to explain to my DC tomorrow morning that it isn't going ahead and they're going to be so disappointed.

There has been some prior instances of him arsing about with existing plans but I don't think I can move past this one as it directly impacts the children.

AIBU to think he's a nasty, selfish dick? And what on earth do I say to the children?

So because one of his two children gave him some attitude his solution is to not even be responsible for either of them for the weekend, and to try to get you to bin off your kids for the weekend as they are an inconvenience to his whimsical last minute desire for childfree time. These, his children who he only has 50% of the time anyway. I feel sorry for both of his kids (as well as yours and for you), imagine the effect of having a father who you only see half of the week just deciding that he can't be arsed with either of you, especially as the kid who hasn't even done anything wrong!

You're right to be pissed off on behalf of your children - don't forget that you should be pissed off on your own behalf too!

16 months really isn't a very long period of time for him to have managed to have let you down several times already, especially given that it's the first 16 months of a relationship, when most people are trying to impress and woo their partner! He is showing you very clearly who he is, and where his priorities are: It goes him, himself, what he fancies doing, his changing whims; and then you, your kids and his own kids and his own parents are somewhere much lower down.

I'm thinking it's not hard to empathise with why his ex decided she was better off without him.

Another crap “father” who says he wants 50% childcare so he doesn’t have to pay maintenance, but doesn’t actually parent (i.e. spend time resolving any behaviour issues) and palms them off to the GPs at the first opportunity.

If he wanted a child-free weekend, he could have had that last weekend, or next weekend, or 26 weekends of the year when he doesn’t have his kids; what a pathetic, selfish loser of a man, and that’s before he let down OP and her kids; ICK 🤮

Have only read your updates not the whole thread so apologies if everyone else is saying this too, but I also feel incredibly sorry for his kids. He has them 50% of the time but then bins them off (not to mention cancelling a treat) if they upset or annoy him. Unless there are significant additional needs that may mean he needs respite, this says as much, if not more, about the type of person he is as him cancelling on you and your kids at the last minute. He doesn't sound like a catch at all!

I feel like maybe he just had a bad parenting day and he just overreacted? Instead of going in all guns blazing, maybe just try explaining that the weekend away together would be a good reset for him and his kids and you don't want to let your kids down in that way when they've been looking forward to it? It doesn't need to be a battle hopefully although I get how annoying it is

It can take up to 18 months to a couple of years to get to fully know someone, you’ve had instances before that were red flags but they were easily ignored but this is unforgivable! His DC will be sobbing, he doesn’t give a monkeys how his actions impacts them or care about your DC’s feelings.
He thinks he’s hooked you in enough for you to discard your DC in favour of him. Even if he rings up offering to go with you and your DC, I would turn him down because he won’t like it that you chose your kids over him. He may ring and say he was just overtired and will be picking his kids up and plans are still on but he will make it apparent over the weekend he’s not happy. He may ghost you for a few days/week to punish you and expect you to be so relieved when he gets back in touch, to train you to put him first.
I would make plans to go to the theme park, switch your phone off or on silent and don’t answer calls or messages this weekend from him. I would have fun with your DC and clear your head so you are ready to tell him that you’re not compatible. Don’t pay any heed to excuses and then block.

So where is he dumping his own kids this weekend? The ones he has 50 50 cust9dy of but seems happy to let down last minute and offloads somewhere else..

And yes, he 100% wanted you to ditch your kids and do the weekend just you two. So really, it's clear he was looking for an excuse to offload his (their bad behaviour) because he expected you to drop yours last minute to hang out with just him. He is clearly someone who blames others to selfishly put himself first. Alarm bells and red flags.

Good for you.
That’s a very clear message. Well done!

This is deeply unfair of him and yes it does sound like he just wants to bin them all off for a child free weekend. You say his kids are younger than yours who are 9 and 11 so they are pretty young, not like teenage attitude and meltdowns. I highly doubt they’ve knowingly done anything worthy of this big strop.
Has he replied to your message yet? Is it possible he might wake up in a better mood?

I’d literally just block him and never speak to him again for pulling a stunt like that. If he wants to get in touch he can figure a way or write you a letter.

It just shows a complete lack of respect. The least be could have done was offer to reimburse the dog sitter!

Could you look at a haven caravan trip maybe? Or a last minute cheap hotel deal. Even a day out somewhere. Know it’s easier said than done being a lone parent when money is tight.

So sorry OP, what a CF!

This man is just a twat. This is why he is divorced and this is why you should leave him. Don't be a doormat.

I love the message you sent him this morning @Tulipsdaisy I would just block him and walk away. Enjoy your weekend with your lovely children x

Love your message. Good for you.

Can't help but echo everyone else. What a self-centred and immature man.

I keep.seeing Haven adverts for very cheap.breaks

I've had a response:

"Good morning. I apologise for last night stress got the better of me. DS2 has somehow managed to delete my docs on the ipad and I'm on a tight deadline for Monday. Let's keep plans as they are, I will have to play catch up in the evenings."

Your thoughts?

Edited to add from a follow on text, he said DS2 has done it on purpose in retaliation for being told off.

This is used a lot on MN because it is so true: he is showing you who he is.

And that is someone immature and selfish, who often chooses his own wants and needs at the expense of others, including his own children and the partner he presumably claims to love and her children.

Do you want to be with a man who puts himself ahead of everyone like this? Do you want your children exposed to it? He's role modelling how to be twat.

Clearly hasn't got much respect for his DMs time either, if he's just dumping his DC on her.

Bet my bottom dollar it's not his DF doing the work of looking after 2 small DC.

Well he's owned it and apologised at least. There's not much else at this stage he can do.

Ball's in your court.

Bright and breezy 11 hours later doesn't make up for this.

You've already cancelled your dog sitter, right? And told your children?

Either way, I'd want a weekend away from his fuckwittage to consider the future.

If it really isn't possible to go without him, figure out what your dc would like even better, and do that. Don't make them suffer for him being an arse.

I’d do the same

Hm that’s a tricky one OP. It’s a decent apology. Only you know how sincere he is and how likely he is to do this kind of thing again.

No no no. Do not go ahead with trip, if you do you are signalling it's ok to mess you about. I also think he will be using the work deadline to martyr himself. He needs to understand that due to his message of 9pm you changed your plans. You do not want to be the person who waits on his whims.

I actually think that as he's apologised and said you should keep the plans as they are, I'd accept the apology and go - it feels a bit petty not to considering the kids are looking forward to it. Less upheaval for the DC and you can still salvage a nice weekend. It sounds to me from that message like he was upset and frustrated last night and lashed out. Not ideal, but none of us are perfect and his message this morning sounds reasonable. I'd definitely make it clear to him that it had made me feel insecure about whether he'd do this kind of thing again in future and that it undermines my trust in him, but I wouldn't end it based on this alone. Hope you have a good time if you do go.

Yeah I think I’d still go but talk about it properly when you’re both calmer and explain to hat it’s not ok. To be fair you’ve expressed this very clearly with your messages, you’re very good at being assertive - if more women could push back on selfish behaviour like you there would be a lot less of them in shitty relationships.

Omg that's stressful. He has apologised, Personally under these circumstances, I would accept it. Please remember mumsnet are very keen on encouraging people to leave relationships. Reality is, nobody is perfect.