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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cancelling the kids plans because he's thrown a wobbler, aibu?

607 replies

Tulipsdaisy · 05/06/2025 21:47

Me, my boyfriend and our respective children (not shared) were supposed to be going away this weekend, from Friday until Sunday evening. Plans were finalised. I made arrangements for somebody to house sit for me and take care of my dog, paid in advance. They moved their schedule around to accommodate me.

Background: together just shy of 16 months. We don't live together. I'm a lone parent of 2 and he has 50/50 joint custody of his 2 with his ex wife. DC introduced at the 12 month mark and get along great. Lovely.

At 9pm this evening he has text saying he needs a break, wants a weekend to himself and would rather do 'no kids' so he's asking his parents to babysit.

I said he was bang out of order springing this on me this late and asked what on earth the matter was.

He said nothing is the matter he has just had enough of his child's attitude. His DC doesn't deserve the trip, he wants a weekend to himself, he's going to bed and 'tomorrow is a new day'

My response to that was: "Well you have a nice sleep, now you've offloaded that onto me and I now have to explain to my (relative dog sitter) and inevitably upset children. Thanks a bunch"

He read that and didn't reply.

He has obviously had some cheek from his DC and now we all have to pay the price. His DC aren't badly behaved, a little bit cheeky now and then but not bad kids whatsoever.

I'm both angry and sad. He hasn't given any thought to everybody else impacted by his wobbler. It's fuck the lot of us.

I'm £50 down the drain (I'm not going to ask for for the dog sitting money back, the relative sitting for me really needed the money and jumped at the chance)

I have to explain to my DC tomorrow morning that it isn't going ahead and they're going to be so disappointed.

There has been some prior instances of him arsing about with existing plans but I don't think I can move past this one as it directly impacts the children.

AIBU to think he's a nasty, selfish dick? And what on earth do I say to the children?

OP posts:
Nikki75 · 07/06/2025 10:41

He has shown you who he really is believe him and walk away.
Feel your feelings you dont need answers to why this or why that just be glad you've seen him.
The world is full of people and new opportunities look forward to these and leave this person behind he was just part of your life as a lesson.
Dont give him anymore headspace .

Thepeopleversuswork · 07/06/2025 10:50

Well done OP you have managed this brilliantly for you and your DCs. You have also learned who this man really is and will have a great weekend with your children. It may not feel like it now but this is a win for you and your kids.

Have a wonderful weekend.

Mudders · 07/06/2025 10:54

That poor 7 year old - he will no doubt double down and take his miserable raging mood out on them which I suspect they have been endured before.

He is a grim parent - I suspect that is why his long marriage ended when he had two tiny children - he just couldnt cope with not being No1 and is too precious to collaborate and pitch in.

I also 100% guarantee that is 50/50 child sharing is not because he loves it - its to not pay maintenance. What you have seen with his nice/no drama ex wife - is her walking on eggshells and knowing how not to poke the bear for the benefit of her DCs.

I wonder if you could give her a subtle heads up - just say it was nice to have met you but letting you know the relationship has ended - this might save her 7 year old from his anger.

Whats his relationship history since the marriage ended?

Mudders · 07/06/2025 11:12

Also sometimes ex-wives are relieved when their abusive ex has a partner as it gets them out of the spotlight of being the target of discharge for narc rage whilst they are distracted in the love-bombing of the new target. My friend always knows when the current GF of her narc ex is being devalued and discarded because ex starts dicking around with her again.

BusyMum47 · 07/06/2025 11:16

ForZanyAquaViewer · 05/06/2025 21:49

Why are you cancelling? Go without him!

This! ⬆️ Go, have a great time, dump him when you get back!

Usk · 07/06/2025 12:48

I hope you have a great day - and try not to give any headspace as to why.

It's an odd thing in my birth family and family I married into that good to okay husbands often pull this trick - something important to wife trip out - and last minute want to cancel depite seeming keen before hand- if you drag them along often they are PA or just sulk and are a source of stress - over multiple generations and my own experiences only thing to do is completely ignore the shit out of it and go do the thing yourself with others - or if they go ignore the shit out of their behavior till they flip to this is best thing ever - which can cause resentment they made it so hard.

No idea WTF is going on - it's incredibly annoying there can be huge gaps between it happen but it's always likely to happen again and I can't see any benefit to them.

As you can easily walk away - I'd do so.

Notsuchafattynow · 07/06/2025 13:45

Usk · 07/06/2025 12:48

I hope you have a great day - and try not to give any headspace as to why.

It's an odd thing in my birth family and family I married into that good to okay husbands often pull this trick - something important to wife trip out - and last minute want to cancel depite seeming keen before hand- if you drag them along often they are PA or just sulk and are a source of stress - over multiple generations and my own experiences only thing to do is completely ignore the shit out of it and go do the thing yourself with others - or if they go ignore the shit out of their behavior till they flip to this is best thing ever - which can cause resentment they made it so hard.

No idea WTF is going on - it's incredibly annoying there can be huge gaps between it happen but it's always likely to happen again and I can't see any benefit to them.

As you can easily walk away - I'd do so.

Any husband that does that is not good or okay.

Gyozas · 07/06/2025 13:48

Usk · 07/06/2025 12:48

I hope you have a great day - and try not to give any headspace as to why.

It's an odd thing in my birth family and family I married into that good to okay husbands often pull this trick - something important to wife trip out - and last minute want to cancel depite seeming keen before hand- if you drag them along often they are PA or just sulk and are a source of stress - over multiple generations and my own experiences only thing to do is completely ignore the shit out of it and go do the thing yourself with others - or if they go ignore the shit out of their behavior till they flip to this is best thing ever - which can cause resentment they made it so hard.

No idea WTF is going on - it's incredibly annoying there can be huge gaps between it happen but it's always likely to happen again and I can't see any benefit to them.

As you can easily walk away - I'd do so.

Why do you put up with that? That’s genuinely awful. It’s abuse.

rainbowstardrops · 07/06/2025 14:34

You’ve had a lucky escape! Hope you have a lovely day at the theme park with your children (and the weather isn’t too bad!)
His poor children. Stuck with a prick for a dad.

Usk · 07/06/2025 15:12

Why do you put up with that? That’s genuinely awful. It’s abuse.

That was the point of my post - I don't now. I completely ignore and get on with life.

It's an irritating qwirk that I now don't tolerate - we both grew up with it - it was there with our grandparents - in Uncle Aunts and parents siblings relationships.

It's fucking odd but once notice we stopped doing - what I can't do is make everyone else in wider family behave as I - or we DH and I want - just model better behavior to our kids and ignore or avoid the bad where we can.

Gyozas · 07/06/2025 16:58

Usk · 07/06/2025 15:12

Why do you put up with that? That’s genuinely awful. It’s abuse.

That was the point of my post - I don't now. I completely ignore and get on with life.

It's an irritating qwirk that I now don't tolerate - we both grew up with it - it was there with our grandparents - in Uncle Aunts and parents siblings relationships.

It's fucking odd but once notice we stopped doing - what I can't do is make everyone else in wider family behave as I - or we DH and I want - just model better behavior to our kids and ignore or avoid the bad where we can.

I can’t call abuse a ‘quirk’.

Original poster
Tulipsdaisy · 07/06/2025 16:58

We're having a fab time! The weather isn't the best but it hasn't spoilt the day. Just sitting waiting for food now. I'm knackered!

Little update. I haven't heard from him but I have text him to end the relationship. There's no point in dragging it on. I said:

I’m done with this relationship, we are over. You created a toxic atmosphere over nothing. I won’t let my children be hurt or messed around by your need to assert control. Do not contact me again.

Read and ignored which is fine by me. Fuck him.

OP posts:
FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 07/06/2025 17:04

He’ll be back.

Imbusytodaysorry · 07/06/2025 17:05

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 07/06/2025 17:04

He’ll be back.

Agree .

LAMPS1 · 07/06/2025 17:18

That was a good message OP. Decisive, assertive and final.
More than he deserved.
I hope that’s the end of it……..

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 07/06/2025 17:21

Been thinking about you @Tulipsdaisy and so glad to hear you’re enjoying the day. Fuck him 😂

Yolo12345 · 07/06/2025 17:35

Absolutely love your last message! Well done you. He doesn’t deserve any more of your time xx

Snakebite61 · 07/06/2025 17:46

Tulipsdaisy · 05/06/2025 21:47

Me, my boyfriend and our respective children (not shared) were supposed to be going away this weekend, from Friday until Sunday evening. Plans were finalised. I made arrangements for somebody to house sit for me and take care of my dog, paid in advance. They moved their schedule around to accommodate me.

Background: together just shy of 16 months. We don't live together. I'm a lone parent of 2 and he has 50/50 joint custody of his 2 with his ex wife. DC introduced at the 12 month mark and get along great. Lovely.

At 9pm this evening he has text saying he needs a break, wants a weekend to himself and would rather do 'no kids' so he's asking his parents to babysit.

I said he was bang out of order springing this on me this late and asked what on earth the matter was.

He said nothing is the matter he has just had enough of his child's attitude. His DC doesn't deserve the trip, he wants a weekend to himself, he's going to bed and 'tomorrow is a new day'

My response to that was: "Well you have a nice sleep, now you've offloaded that onto me and I now have to explain to my (relative dog sitter) and inevitably upset children. Thanks a bunch"

He read that and didn't reply.

He has obviously had some cheek from his DC and now we all have to pay the price. His DC aren't badly behaved, a little bit cheeky now and then but not bad kids whatsoever.

I'm both angry and sad. He hasn't given any thought to everybody else impacted by his wobbler. It's fuck the lot of us.

I'm £50 down the drain (I'm not going to ask for for the dog sitting money back, the relative sitting for me really needed the money and jumped at the chance)

I have to explain to my DC tomorrow morning that it isn't going ahead and they're going to be so disappointed.

There has been some prior instances of him arsing about with existing plans but I don't think I can move past this one as it directly impacts the children.

AIBU to think he's a nasty, selfish dick? And what on earth do I say to the children?

I said you are being unreasonable, because you can still go. No need to upset the kids at all.

ElatedTealFawn · 07/06/2025 17:53

Selfish through and through! If you can take the children and go without him. BTW tell him he's dumped! He'll only bring you heartache in the future.

Rainbows41 · 07/06/2025 17:55

Snakebite61 · 07/06/2025 17:46

I said you are being unreasonable, because you can still go. No need to upset the kids at all.

Show quote history

Come back when you have read the entire thread 🙄

Mightyhike · 07/06/2025 18:04

So glad you are having a fun day with your DC, @Tulipsdaisy!

Fedup48 · 07/06/2025 18:09

I see this is as a good thing - you’ve found out that he is a big selfish man baby fairly early on - before moving in together etc. Time to go away for the weekend and celebrate with your children ♥️… then dump his ass

Witknit · 07/06/2025 18:12

Ah great last message to him. Well done! You are obviously strong and capable and deserve so much better than him.
As a narcissist, the fact that you ARE strong and capable will have totally thrown him. You've not been stupid in your relationship, you been normal, accomodating and human. Which is how narcissists get away with their behaviour for so long before they are outed by this type of incident.
Well done, I hope your day was fabulous!

Wildefish · 07/06/2025 18:12

Tulipsdaisy · 05/06/2025 22:21

He has cancelled plans before, at my inconvenience, but I'm quite laid back so am happy to rearrange on the odd occasion.

I feel a lot more strongly about him doing it to my DC 😔

He has shown you what you and your children’s future will be. Please cut him loose.

Definitelynotagladiator · 07/06/2025 18:14

Amazing OP! Make sure to post a nice status update of the amazing day you’ve had with your DC 😁