Cancelling the kids plans because he's thrown a wobbler, aibu?

[Tulipsdaisy]

Me, my boyfriend and our respective children (not shared) were supposed to be going away this weekend, from Friday until Sunday evening. Plans were finalised. I made arrangements for somebody to house sit for me and take care of my dog, paid in advance. They moved their schedule around to accommodate me.

Background: together just shy of 16 months. We don't live together. I'm a lone parent of 2 and he has 50/50 joint custody of his 2 with his ex wife. DC introduced at the 12 month mark and get along great. Lovely.

At 9pm this evening he has text saying he needs a break, wants a weekend to himself and would rather do 'no kids' so he's asking his parents to babysit.

I said he was bang out of order springing this on me this late and asked what on earth the matter was.

He said nothing is the matter he has just had enough of his child's attitude. His DC doesn't deserve the trip, he wants a weekend to himself, he's going to bed and 'tomorrow is a new day'

My response to that was: "Well you have a nice sleep, now you've offloaded that onto me and I now have to explain to my (relative dog sitter) and inevitably upset children. Thanks a bunch"

He read that and didn't reply.

He has obviously had some cheek from his DC and now we all have to pay the price. His DC aren't badly behaved, a little bit cheeky now and then but not bad kids whatsoever.

I'm both angry and sad. He hasn't given any thought to everybody else impacted by his wobbler. It's fuck the lot of us.

I'm £50 down the drain (I'm not going to ask for for the dog sitting money back, the relative sitting for me really needed the money and jumped at the chance)

I have to explain to my DC tomorrow morning that it isn't going ahead and they're going to be so disappointed.

There has been some prior instances of him arsing about with existing plans but I don't think I can move past this one as it directly impacts the children.

AIBU to think he's a nasty, selfish dick? And what on earth do I say to the children?

I think your friend could be right.

The contempt he showed you is because you dared to challenge him on his behaviour.

That is something a narc simply cannot tolerate.

Really hope the hurt and confusion turns to relief soon!

Together 12 months before the DC met yes, then a further 4 months of us all gradually spending more time together.

I should point out that I had long since made it clear to him that I wasn't looking to blend families and live together. That's not something I feel able to do whilst my DC are this young, so he was under no illusion that I was out for that. Reading that back we probably should have kept them completely out of it and I wish we had now. I just thought it would be nice for them to get to know one another as I saw us as a long term thing.

Although yes he does seem spooked!

He asked me twice in the run up to confirm we were still on for this weekend so it seemed he did want to go in some capacity. He was asking me it I can bring certain things along (spare charger bank etc). Something has been festering over the last few days and flipped a switch yesterday.

I did think, you’d all go away and he would deliberately ruin the weekend for everyone. He’s furious that you didn’t dump your dc to go away for a child free weekend. He knew you’d meet him today and he humiliated you to put you in your place. How dare you message him and pull him up on his behaviour, if he wants to change plans at the last minute, you’re meant to jump and run around to make sure he gets what he wants! Not be pissed he upset the children as the only person he cares about is himself.
I know you don’t want to block him yet, deep down you’re hoping he will have an explanation that will make sense and he will go back to being the man you thought he was. You know that’s not possible, he has shown you how despicable, self centred and nasty he is and it would be best for you to block him. You can come to terms with his deception of self without him trying to either hook you back or being nasty.
You sound like a lovely person and mum, you’re feeling shocked and hurt, give yourself time to get your head around it. At least you found out now instead of in a few years when your DC would’ve been damaged by him.

A decent person who got spooked would say they don’t want a blended family but they are happy to be in a relationship. His behaviour is not because he was spooked, it’s because he’s nasty and didn’t get his own way.

Good for you @Tulipsdaisy. You have boundaries and you are not afraid to put them into place.

His behavior, though it did take a while to show itself, shows a man who wants to control everything and everyone. The celebrity reference would not have upset a normal human to the point that they give you the "silent treatment" for a couple of days. He did that so you would "be more careful not to upset him" in the future.
Then he pulls this massive temper tantrum, so that he feels he can ruin not only his children's fun, but yours and your children's fun too. He is a massive, unlikeable man-child. He said his DS deleted his papers on purpose? Maybe he did, because maybe his DS feels it's the only way to show his unhappiness?

I am so happy that you are ending this relationship. You are smart not to block him yet, just so you can see what kind of behavior comes next. I am guessing, that if he does text or call, he will act like the previous several days were NBD and expect to just go on as before. He might be shocked that you have realized his true character, and even try to put it all down to "everybody else's fault".

Have FUN tomorrow and don't let this loser dud control any aspect of your day. This is your time with your children, so let your inner child loose and have the time of your life.

UnMumsnet {{HUGS}} and best wishes to you and yours!

You wishing you had kept your DC separate from your relationship still wouldn’t of worked @Tulipsdaisy, he still would’ve expected you to dump them whenever the fancy took him and you’d still have got to this point. If you had refused and pointed out to him that you can’t treat children like that he still would’ve been furious and humiliated you because he wasn’t getting his own way.
No matter how you could’ve done everything differently, he still would’ve expected you to put him first because in every scenario, he’s still a cunt.

@Tulipsdaisy I’m sorry for the pain you are going through. You have handled it brilliantly and your kids are so lucky to have you as their mum. Sending love and hugs your way. I hope you have a wonderful weekend with your family. 💐🌼🌷💖

It doesn’t sound like he enjoys being with his own children, the sad reality is that he was unlikely to ever truly enjoy being with yours.

He has only been enjoying one side of you, the part he didn’t have to share. The relationship worked well when the dc were not involved, and he could be the centre of your universe.

Now the dc are part of the picture (and always were) he is far from keen spending yet more time parenting or being with dc generally.

He is an awful father, to cancel on his own young dc like this. There is NO future here, because your children are already paying the price for his selfishness. This would only get worse if things had continued.

He wants you on his own terms.
He wants kid free weekends and his needs met, not happy family weekends.

Strangely, by being so careful with your own dc and keeping them well away for so long, it allowed him to imagine life with you - but only you.

His irritation and ultimately the cancellation could have been avoided if you had disappointed your children, let them down and farmed them out to please him.

But this would have been a temporary reprieve, because the next time he will demand the same. And you would slowly become estranged from your own life and children to suit him.

His tantrums and selfishness show an absence of emotional intelligence, and his silent treatment highlights abusive and manipulative tendencies.

He has not shown an ounce of love or respect for you, choosing to humiliate you outside his work. He does not care about anyone but himself.

No matter how sad you might be op, you have saved yourself the most incredible heartache further down the line. By then you could have lost your house, security and your children’s love and respect.

I am so sorry he has treated you so badly, and continues to do so. You must feel very vulnerable and raw right now but the writing was on the wall in some respects the first time he gave you the silent treatment. He is a really horrible, unkind and unworthy man - you will recover from this in time 💐

Hay op you stand proud your head up high, you confronted him, you choose your children over his child free weekend, you done great op 👍

He was testing you testing your loyalty to him over your children, well he failed big time,

What dad can drop his own children, children who thought they were going away for the weekend, how cruel is he, his xw too just drop in at last moment ' he not having his children, how the bloody hell does that work!!

His test failed op and he will be fuming not sulking this weekend just angry his plan didn't work out, he will be planning a way back, what to say ,how to get out of this without him taking any responsibility ( his daughter will be blamed), he will play it down be flippant,

Well you now have seen him for what he is op, but he never banked on you being this very independent woman who put her children first ( before him )
You delt with this shit situation with dignity op, you unknowingly showed him the man he is ,
Have a lovely weekend with your children making happy memories your a strong independent mummy who priorities are spot on , enjoy 💐💐

The contempt on his face...that look you'd never seen before...probably because you stood up to him. In your initial text you created a boundary and called him out. You weren't rude or confrontational, you simply responded truthfully.

A saying I heard once. "No one is angrier than a narcissist being accused of something they definitely did."

These people are never wrong.

Ah I love this place, you're all absolutely fabulous. Thank you so much for the boost. I've got a second wind this morning, waking up to these empowering posts.

The car is packed up, DC excited and we're going to Alton Towers. He failed 🥳

I feel so sorry for his DC who have had their weekend ruined by that miserable bastard.

Have a fabulous day with your DC and well done for kicking him to the kerb! Sounds like you are well rid.

He 100% wanted to see if you'd dump your kids to do the weekend childfree.

He's now agast that you do not see him as a priority above them (as they rightly should!).

You failed the 'pick me' test.

Well done!

Maybe he genuinely needs a break from the children, we all have limits,you are seeing this from your perspective and think it's selfish but if the roles were reversed you would want him to support you,if he does it regularly then maybe he is selfish but that's up to you to decide.

And this is why men get away with this behaviour.

You need to give yourself a round of applause @Tulipsdaisy you might’ve given him the benefit of the doubt a few times but once he crossed a line, you asserted yourself, you didn’t rush to introduce him to your DC neither.
Your DC have a wonderful mum and you my dear, sound like you won’t accept shitty behaviour or toxic people to trample your boundaries. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
well done x

Have you not read any of the other posts/updates? It’s not the first time he’s let her down wirh plans and he was nasty last night to try to punish her.

Have a lovely time OP. I’m sure your children are happy that it’s just you and them going.

As far as his previous relationship goes. I’m always wary of people that say they ‘just drifted apart’ from their marriage. Normally one person has been a massive dick and I think we know who it was!

Your missing the point, he planned the weekend away with all children this weekend then decided he didn't won't to do children weekend, so of course he can have a child free weekend but what about the other two children here,
Remember it was him via work Gift planned this,

I hope you have THE best weekend x

I'd just take my own children and go, and enjoy myself! He's obviously pissing you about, and you don't deserve that. Neither do your children, or his children for that matter! Dick head!

I agree with this. I know lots of people in sub par marriages who have drifted apart but rub along reasonably well. It’s usually women who end a marriage and as many MN threads demonstrate, it takes a LOT!

The only exception are people who are very rich. They can walk away without compromising on their living arrangements

Your friend's comment really struck a chord with me. It sounds exactly like my ex-husband who, in retrospect, I realised was a total narcissist (although at the time it was difficult to see the picture clearly as he gaslit me constantly).

It got to a stage where I came to dread any events I should have enjoyed, because I knew he would ruin it with his behaviour, but then turn it around and make me the villain.

It nearly wrecked my head. You've had a lucky escape.

Have a lovely day with your kids OP :)

He had his kids 50% of the time. He gets more of a break from them than most people do their kids, and certainly more than OP.