Cancelling the kids plans because he's thrown a wobbler, aibu?

[Tulipsdaisy]

Me, my boyfriend and our respective children (not shared) were supposed to be going away this weekend, from Friday until Sunday evening. Plans were finalised. I made arrangements for somebody to house sit for me and take care of my dog, paid in advance. They moved their schedule around to accommodate me.

Background: together just shy of 16 months. We don't live together. I'm a lone parent of 2 and he has 50/50 joint custody of his 2 with his ex wife. DC introduced at the 12 month mark and get along great. Lovely.

At 9pm this evening he has text saying he needs a break, wants a weekend to himself and would rather do 'no kids' so he's asking his parents to babysit.

I said he was bang out of order springing this on me this late and asked what on earth the matter was.

He said nothing is the matter he has just had enough of his child's attitude. His DC doesn't deserve the trip, he wants a weekend to himself, he's going to bed and 'tomorrow is a new day'

My response to that was: "Well you have a nice sleep, now you've offloaded that onto me and I now have to explain to my (relative dog sitter) and inevitably upset children. Thanks a bunch"

He read that and didn't reply.

He has obviously had some cheek from his DC and now we all have to pay the price. His DC aren't badly behaved, a little bit cheeky now and then but not bad kids whatsoever.

I'm both angry and sad. He hasn't given any thought to everybody else impacted by his wobbler. It's fuck the lot of us.

I'm £50 down the drain (I'm not going to ask for for the dog sitting money back, the relative sitting for me really needed the money and jumped at the chance)

I have to explain to my DC tomorrow morning that it isn't going ahead and they're going to be so disappointed.

There has been some prior instances of him arsing about with existing plans but I don't think I can move past this one as it directly impacts the children.

AIBU to think he's a nasty, selfish dick? And what on earth do I say to the children?

Why on earth does his child have access to the device where his work is stored?

I would accept his apology and go.
Everybody makes mistakes, not everybody apologises though.

I agree with this and other posters.

I also think if it had been a conversation in person or over the phone it might not have got that far.

I think you need a proper conversation about it but it would be cutting your nose off to spite your face now if you don't go ahead. Keep an eye for other red flags but I think ultimately overreacting because you're angry about your child's behaviour and wanting to not reward them etc kind of makes sense. Good he's seen the light today but he definitely ought to have found a way for you to go without his DC and him if he felt it was warranted..but again maybe this would have happened if you'd had a proper chat.

So why does he have work documents on an iPad that the kids have access to? Why is it not locked down tight? Why are his documents not stored in the cloud and can be reverted to?

All very odd.

Really? I think it’s a terrible apology. He couldn’t even be arsed to call! Bearing in mind he might have already ruined it for OP’s kids, as well as her, it’s a pretty shit sorry.

It's 100% right that he's treating me and my DC as inconsequential.

Why did the relationship with the mother of his very young children fail?

I suspect this is who he is and will continue to be.

Exactly. Bare minimum to get what HE wants (again).

And the obvious lie about the deleted work.

Thank you for all of your replies!

I've met his ex wife a handful of times, she seems nice. They get on fine, no animosity that I've ever caught wind of. I don't know her well enough to quiz her about him.

No big conflicts that lead to divorce, they married young and ultimately outgrew each other.

Yes I too was a bit dubious about the deleted documents. Why not say that last night if that was the case?

We're going to go on the trip. I had decided I would hold off on telling the DC and my niece that it was cancelled, until noon, to see what he came back with. My DC have been so looking forward to going.

If it were just me and not them, I would have made alternative plans last night and told him to jog on.

I won't allow it to be brushed under the carpet and intend to make it abundantly clear that I won't accept my DC being messed around.

I've bookmarked the behaviour and will be holding off from making any more plans that include the DC for the foreseeable.

I do think I'd go since he's apologised. But I would have a serious think about the relationship when you're back and make sure he knows that this sort of thing cannot happen again.

As an aside, be careful what you're getting in to with his children too, deleting his dad's important documents is quite vindictive so I'd be wary of how this sort of behaviour could escalate. When I met my step daughter she had some minor behaviour issues and I brushed them off, she's now got some quite major behaviour problems and it's really affected our whole family including my children.

Any grown adult who has not learned how to manage and appropriately direct their emotions is a NO for me.

He was angry at his kid and he took it out on you and your kids. That is a pattern of behaviour he will repeat and escalate.

The fact that he's now willing to do the trip does NOT erase the fact that he messed you about and hurt you. Bin this one.

He's testing your boundaries. Be wary.

*I've met his ex wife a handful of times, she seems nice. They get on fine, no animosity that I've ever caught wind of. I don't know her well enough to quiz her about him.

No big conflicts that lead to divorce, they married young and ultimately outgrew each other.*

His DCs are only 7 and 9. You have been dating him 16 months - how old were they when the marriage failed - pre-schoolers? toddlers?

His marriage breakdown story doesnt add up - there isnt time to 'out-grow' each other at the toddler stage - how can he have been committed to a long marriage and then let it drift / fall apart with tiny children?

I suspect he is a selfish, impulsive man, who doesnt work as a team at the very least - beyond that an affair or some other issue. Most women would tolerate an awfull lot of shit behaviour before they end a marriage with toddlers.

Dont take in a man that another woman has put out. I would seriously question if your DCs need this character in their lives. Just within your posts you have evidenced poor behaviour - take some time to log other stuff and literally write it down so you can see the culmination of his character traits. Watch his parenting very closely - it doesnt sound very positive from your posts.

Hope that you and your DCs all have a blast this weekend. But take a step back so you get a better view of who he is.

I think that's a good decision OP, as you say the kids were looking forward to it (as presumably were you). .

Good for you for not letting him get away with that behaviour and calling it out. Now you are alerted to a potential red flag and can see how the relationship goes and whether it was a one off or his reaction to stress isn't acceptable.

Hope you have a nice weekend after all that.

🤦🏻‍♀️

I think this had the assumption that they weren’t married long before having kids. They could have been married years before having kids and been together even longer before that.

If the ex wife is amicable enough around you/to you/to him I think it’s likely it is what it is.

I dont believe for a moment that a 7 year old is capable of even reading, never mind actually selecting important files / documents to delete in an intentional vindictive way.

I do believe however that a volatile, emotionally immature, man child would blame a 7 year old for either his own sloppiness (why has a 7 year old even have access to a work device?) or could invent such a lie as he is behind at work and/or anxious about the weekend. I doesnt sound like a great parent.

OP, do you really need another tantrum-throwing child in your life?

Even assuming his eventual explanation is true, what kind of parent throws all the kids involved (not to mention you) under the bus when one has misbehaved?

I also think the fact you couldn't just go without him isn't a side issue; it shows him to be even more selfish than your initial post suggested.

As for the apology- well, for a start, as others have said, all of this should have been a grown-up phone call, not a series of texts (no criticism of you-it's not your responsibility to force him to behave better).

But that aside- where's the reassurance in what he did send that he understands how it made you feel, wouldn't ever do it again and really wants to have a great time with you and your kids? Instead you've had an almost begrudging offer of sticking to the existing plan, AS LONG AS you now accept he'll have to work some of the time.

None of this bodes well if your ultimate vision for this is a blended family. That takes thoughtfulness, good communication, and a commitment to resolving issues together as partners.

I'd be telling him he needs to work a lot harder to show me he gets it. And I wouldn't feel able to relax and enjoy myself on a weekend away with him for a while- especially one where I'm now being expected (not asked!) to do more of the childcare to boot.

YANBU. I'm glad your DC aren't missing out now but you're right to bookmark the behaviour and no more plans with DC.

I'd have a zero tolerance policy on him letting you down too. You've said you've been quite laid back about it so far (fair enough) but I'd now double down on his behaviour towards you.

I agree with this. It took for OP to reply the way she did for him to behave reasonably.

This is my views and saves me typing it out 😂

glad you will be going @Tulipsdaisy so hope you and kids have a lovely time

but

keep an eye on this kind of behaviour

if he cancels often …….

No, he doesn't get to flip-flop, telling you it's off then telling you it's on. And it sounds as if his plan is that he'll be working in the evenings, so what is the point of him being with you?

I'd bin him off. He's unreliable, and gives too little thought to the feelings of others.

I agree. That and the fact it only came after the OP contacted him, not of his own volition and his initial message fully expected OP to bin off her DC too.
Nope.

Definitely go without him

Just one question...if he was taking his child for the weekend then I'm assuming it was his weekend with said child. He's thrown a wobbly and given up responsibility all together. These are big parenting red flags. Surely he would still need to parent said child over his parenting days ?

She said this isn't the first time he has been an inconsiderate arse. He was just shown that a terrible apology will make up for it.

I guess go to this thing for your kids, but staying with him after? I wouldn't.