Cancelling the kids plans because he's thrown a wobbler, aibu?

[Tulipsdaisy]

Me, my boyfriend and our respective children (not shared) were supposed to be going away this weekend, from Friday until Sunday evening. Plans were finalised. I made arrangements for somebody to house sit for me and take care of my dog, paid in advance. They moved their schedule around to accommodate me.

Background: together just shy of 16 months. We don't live together. I'm a lone parent of 2 and he has 50/50 joint custody of his 2 with his ex wife. DC introduced at the 12 month mark and get along great. Lovely.

At 9pm this evening he has text saying he needs a break, wants a weekend to himself and would rather do 'no kids' so he's asking his parents to babysit.

I said he was bang out of order springing this on me this late and asked what on earth the matter was.

He said nothing is the matter he has just had enough of his child's attitude. His DC doesn't deserve the trip, he wants a weekend to himself, he's going to bed and 'tomorrow is a new day'

My response to that was: "Well you have a nice sleep, now you've offloaded that onto me and I now have to explain to my (relative dog sitter) and inevitably upset children. Thanks a bunch"

He read that and didn't reply.

He has obviously had some cheek from his DC and now we all have to pay the price. His DC aren't badly behaved, a little bit cheeky now and then but not bad kids whatsoever.

I'm both angry and sad. He hasn't given any thought to everybody else impacted by his wobbler. It's fuck the lot of us.

I'm £50 down the drain (I'm not going to ask for for the dog sitting money back, the relative sitting for me really needed the money and jumped at the chance)

I have to explain to my DC tomorrow morning that it isn't going ahead and they're going to be so disappointed.

There has been some prior instances of him arsing about with existing plans but I don't think I can move past this one as it directly impacts the children.

AIBU to think he's a nasty, selfish dick? And what on earth do I say to the children?

I’d go so all of the children get their trip and the sitters etc aren’t let down, then seriously consider dumping him after. His impulsiveness and inability to consider others is a worry.

My initial reaction was go on the trip for the children but have a serious talk about standards in your relationship afterwards and seriously consider whether you have a future together but on second thoughts, I would hold my ground and say its too late to go now.

Yes, your children will be disappointed but it's a good opportunity to model boundaries, respect & consequences. They will learn first hand what is acceptable behaviour in a relationship and that adults are expected to behave like adults: responsibly.

I 100% understand that we all act irrationally, lose our tempers and say & do things in the heat of the moment but I also feel strongly that children who are brought up to be considerate & respectful often find adults don't behave the same way, and those same children end up in relationships where they have to compromise boundaries.

I would explain what's happened in an age-appropriate way and go ahead with alternative fun plans for you and your children, which will also teach them how to cope with disappointments and still have a good time.

Well I'm glad to hear that he has reinstated the trip because that was really unreasonable behaviour.

Go on the trip and enjoy it, but you'll need a serious talk with him about how to manage any kind of future plans you make together because he absolutely cannot treat you like that again. Hopefully he has learned his lesson, but be very cautious about trusting in that hope.

My lord, why are so many people saying that's a valid apology?

It's absolute junk, he'll pull this shit more and more often and you'll never be able to trust him.

Sack him off, permanently, and take your kids somewhere nice. Come on now.

His 'apology' was passive, and no doubt he picked up on your response and needed to reverse ferret as you weren't enthralled by his suggestion of dumping all the kids so that he could get his end away for the weekend.

Take back your power, OP and follow through - he has shown you who he is, selfish, unreliable etc. Spend a lovely weekend with your children, and maybe jot down all the other times he has behaved selfishly, it may bring you some clarity to see it in black and white.

Hopefully you can come up with something else - a family hotel room by the coast or theme park or something.

I think I'd be annoyed he didn't explain about the deleted stuff before you sent a text complaing about letting you and your kids down.

TBH I'd be really wary of arranging stuff with him and the kids going forward - even if you stay in a relationship with him. He does have form for this - so that also counts againts him even if this time he has a really good reason.

Go and then dump.

From iPad to iPaddy

Unless he has form for this sort of stuff I think this is excessive personally. No doubt I’ll be accused of having ‘low standards’ but oh well.

Ultimately the dc have been promised a weekend away and despite his wobbler he is still offering that. Op can decline and plan a last minute weekend away of her own which due to the short notice will probably end up being sub par and expensive. Or she can accept the apology and let all of the kids have the weekend away together as planned.

She should definitely make it clear that this sort of thing isn’t acceptable and has caused her a load of stress. Next time he needs to communicate better and be more mature.

Good morning. I apologise for last night stress got the better of me. DS2 has somehow managed to delete my docs on the ipad and I'm on a tight deadline for Monday. Let's keep plans as they are, I will have to play catch up in the evenings."

I went back and read and read first time he was keeping with quiet weekend plans - so suppose at least the trip is going ahead.

So go - hope he behaves well on day - and be wary about doing things with him and your kids going forward.

Tell him to go on his own and you go on a break with your kids.

Yep this. I'd go. But would be thinking seriously about whether I wanted to further entangle my life with his. I'd also, when he's a bit calmer, explain that he should have phoned you and told you what was going on, not drop a text bomb and run away.

It's a reasonable apology. However, in your first post you also said "There has been some prior instances of him arsing about with existing plans". If it had genuinely been a one-off I may have said there was room to forgive and move on. If he has form though, maybe it's time to ditch this relationship.

The issue as I see it op, is that is a non apology. He is not acknowledging the stress and upset he has caused you and potentially your dc. He is not acknowledging that his behaviour was selfish and rude.

It seems he is almost conceding defeat, and it seems to me that he is doing so under duress. He is not saying we will go and have a great time, and this won’t happen again. He is begrudgingly offering it still if you must…

This is not minor, it’s almost worse.

You will now look desperate and a bit sad, with certainly weak boundaries if you go. Happy to be tossed around on his whims, and all the implications on your own children. This would be detrimental in the long term, as he would simply assume he can do the same time and again, depending on his mood.

These are your children’s hearts at stake here. The more involved they become with his dc and him, the harder this is going to be for them when you decide you have finally had enough.

Keep your dc away and safe from him, until you have decided how to proceed.

Continue with your weekend without the boyfriend and his non apology and talk when you are back. His dc seem to be going to extreme lengths to get any attention from him, this really isn’t a good set up op. You are right to be very wary.

What an absolute, weapons-grade bell end he is.

I’d be booking a Premier Inn near a city and toddling off with my DC. Some of our best weekends have been last minute Premier Inn adventures!

My thoughts are he's jerking you around.

He has a history of flaking on you. This is the "honeymoon" period, where he's supposedly at his best.

First he told you he was cancelling because he wanted a child free weekend. This was at 9 the night before.

When he got your last message, he realized you were not ok with him flaking and came up with one of his kids deliberately deleted work docs on his iPad. So his response was to punish both kids and yours until you made it clear that his late cancellation was unacceptable, and that was well done by you.

His "apology" is a blame his kid and stress and doesn't really address that the problem is his thoughtlessness and late cancellation when he knew you had made arrangements including paying for a dog sitter. He didn't express he was sorry for that or letting your kids down. It's all about him and I think that's the core problem here. He's selfish.

I think he's lying myself. I wouldn't go and that would be it. He flakes and you let it go before and this time he flaked on your kids. You will never be able to trust that when you make plans, he will actually go through with them.

You’ve been with this peach little over a year. And he has previous form for this behaviour. Remind us why you’re tolerating this shit? Again.

I just reread this it OP and I think I’d now agree with other posters, he’s lying now about the deleted documents because he realised he’s fucked up with you and you’re not going to accept him being so selfish.

“He said nothing is the matter he has just had enough of his child's attitude.”

Why wouldn’t he tell you about the deleted docs last night if that was what really happened? And how does a very young child manage to delete important work stuff anyway, and why is it on an iPad? None of that makes sense, and if it is true, he’s been very stupid & careless with his own work stuff.

It’s also really crappy behaviour from him towards his other child who did nothing wrong. I think you’re starting to see why he’s divorced.

And I would want to know, did he tell both kids their weekend treat was cancelled before they went to bed? And then change his mind in the morning? Or did they go to bed happy and he was just offloading frustration onto you without thinking it through, after they were asleep? Neither scenario is great but the first one is probably worse. I couldn’t be with someone who is that horrible to his own kids.

Well done for stating your opinion of his behaviour.

Do you know his ex? Might be worth making friends and finding out if this is a repeat pattern.

Your children come first. Sounds like there may be behaviour issues with his - do you want that influence around your children? Or the parenting that maybe contributed to that behaviour ?

Kids before cock.

Beware any attempt to get you to go alone with him - separating you out from your children should not be happening.

Absolutely do something separately with them. Give him the message that you are a package, an example of what mature, rational emotionally regulated parenting is and in his case, should be.

No he didn’t sleep on it and change his mind. He changed his mind only after OP had sent her message to him. It no doubt shocked him. Good.
And no he didn’t realise he was being stupid, it took OP’s message for him to try to crawl back. He showed no regret and his apology was hardly heartfelt.

OP suggests he has form for this …it’s not the first time, so this is the unpleasant, unreliable, behaviour that she …and her children have to put up with. Making them walk on egg shells.

I’m all for forgiveness but not when it comes to tantrummy, spiteful behaviour in a grown man. It wouldn’t be good enough for me or for my children.

I think this is the most important sentence in all your posts here:

There has been some prior instances of him arsing about with existing plans but I don't think I can move past this one as it directly impacts the children.

He's done it before. He'll do it again.

You and the children are low priority.

🤣🤣

Not read everyone else's replies but it looks like he was having a moment (we all do it) because of his kids misbehaviour. I'd forgive him on this occasion

I've just had a massive strop and sent a blistering email which I now regret - we're human

Yeah, to me it doesn't add up. Based on what OP has said, without being precise, the DC2 is around 6yo. How would a 6yo know exactly which documents (plural) to delete and how important they were? I know kids are very tech savvy but this is about more than tech.

I wonder if he accidentally deleted them himself.

I'd accept the apology and go on the planned weekend this time - and after the weekend I'd make it very clear to him that any repetition of this would be a dealbreaker and that I would immediately walk away from the relationship,

He's explained, apologised and I'd go with that. But it's the only chance I'd be giving him. If he did anything similar in the future I'd dump him without any discussion.