Am I being unreasonable to think DH resents our DS?

[ClawFriend]

Bit of backstory — DH has fertility issues, we tried for years before going down the donor sperm route. Wasn’t easy but we both agreed and now we’ve got our lovely DS, he’s 2 now.

DH was brilliant when DS was a baby — nappies, feeds, up in the night, proper hands on. But since DS turned into a proper toddler, he’s just pulled right back. DS wants cuddles, climbs on him, wants to play, and DH just moves him or tells him to go to me. He barely interacts now unless I push it.

Had another talk about it last night and it turned into a row. He ended up shouting that he hates DS and that going with a donor was a mistake. Then he stormed out and slept on the sofa. This morning he just got up and went straight to work without a word.

I feel sick. We agreed on this together. I know it’s complicated and I know he’s struggling, but DS didn’t ask for any of this. He’s just a little boy who wants his dad.

I’m heartbroken and angry and don’t even know what to do. I feel like I’ve got to protect DS from his own dad.

His behaviour is appalling to a small child.

I would give him a chance to get some counselling and get his head straight but in the meantime, my head would be on a swivel watching watching watching and if he did anything red flag, I would be done with it. He's a grown ass man and he should have compassion for the child that should outweigh that for himself.

People take stepchildren to their hearts all the time in far less ideal circumstances than this environment.

You have actually given this man a gift and he's throwing it in your face.

One strike and he would be out.

By ‘this man’ do you mean her child’s father? Maybe it’s this exact thing he’s struggling with.

Additionally all those Ancestry DNA tests that people do for fun.

The DS needs to be told soon, while he is too young to understand all the implications.
The DH needs an opportunity to seek help. He is the only Dad the DS has in his life, Being a Dad is way more than genetics.

Yes, it clearly is and he has good reason to struggle but he said yes to the plan but now, for whatever reason, has decided to treat the child like an outcast and, by extension, upsetting in the extreme, his wife.

She didn't leave him for a fertile man, she stuck with him and with his tacit agreement, went ahead and had a child with a donor that has features in common with her husband. OP could have just fucked off to follow her dream but she didn't, she stuck by him and with the plan and now he does this to her!

She has to put her child first, herself second and hope he comes to terms with a situation that is largely of his own making. Taking his out on a kid that is delightful and just wants a parents love is obscene.

I doubt he has "decided" his reactions. And, when he took the decision for his wife to conceive their child with another man's sperm, I doubt he was aware of all the ramifications.

Let's give him a bit of leeway, maybe? Let him and the OP come to terms with how he feels now, and maybe work with that and find ways forward.

This is not a cut and dried "Leave him tomorrow!" / "Draw a red line!" situation. Have some flipping humanity, people!

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I'm the mum of a donor conceived child (donor egg). We were open with her and other close friends and family members from the start. I gave her an unusual middle name from the country of the donor so I'd be periodically reminded to keep talking about it. DH was on board with all this though.

In the lockdown I overheard DD on a video call to another 7 year old explaining IVF! Doing a good job too!!

I did some reading about donor conceived children before I had her and that was the advice - be open.

I'm not saying this to blame you as I totally understand why you kept it secret given DH's family and feelings.

But please do consider looking on the Donor Conception Network website for help and support.

This is heartbreaking. I really hope you can work it out together 🤗

Tbh 2 year olds are hard! And they make your question your sanity, life choices, self ability and everything in between.
If there's even a chink of anything unresolved and festering then it'll come straight out to the front.
The usual advice (to him) would be to hang in there and it'll get better once the little one is about 4. But some counselling certainly sounds like it could help if he's up for it.
It takes a saint to deal with a toddler calmly and not want to escape and get some space!
Good luck, communication is certainly key here.

He DH is the one that chose not to reveal that their DS was conceived using donor sperm. He is the one that chose to 'live a lie' as he didnt want anyone to know. OP went along with his wishes, so I'm not sure why OP is being blamed.

OP's DH may be in turmoil but he is still being cruel to his son by physically rejecting him and telling OP that he hates him. If he can't treat his child with kindness and compassion, he needs to leave.

Whilst I don't believe in "fixing everything" for a DH, this man is clearly struggling despite extensive counselling before having a child by donor.

Men also have a very high suicide rate.
What he's doing/done is not right however there needs to be a element of support. You don't go from happy dad to resentment overnight he is clearly fighting some serious demons.

Whilst the OP needs to protect her child she also needs a supportive conservation which is firm to start him helping himself.

I'm an adopter. It was important to me that both my husband and I had the same relationship to our children. I wasn't interested in any sperm or egg donation, though I understand that other people feel differently. But anyway, is isn't a trivial matter to basically parent a non biological child and I can see how it could be difficult for your husband for you to have the bio connection you do.

It's sad he feels like this. Of course plenty of men parent step, adopted, donor born kids with no issues, but that doesn't help you. I can only suggest therapy but it would have to be with someone who understands the issues.

Clearly your dh has bonding/attachmebt issues and the fact that ds is related to you by blood may be causing dh issues. He needs to go back to therapy. The fact that his relationship with his dad wasn’t great means he hasn’t had a good role model either, learnt behaviour etc.

He got in and honestly I thought maybe things were going to be better. He played with DS’s cars for ages with him, really got down on the floor and was chatting and laughing with him. I started to think maybe last night was just a build up of tiredness and stress.

But after DS was in bed I brought it up again and he just shut down. Said again that he hates DS, and no, he doesn’t think it would feel different if DS was “his”. Said he hates it when DS calls him daddy because he’s not. That really got me. Said he wishes we never went down the donor sperm route at all.

He also said when people say DS looks like him, it hurts — that it feels like he’s just pretending, like he’s playing dad and everyone’s just going along with it. I asked him if he’d think about therapy again and he flat out said no, he doesn’t need it.

I honestly don’t know where we go from here. I feel like my heart’s been ripped out. How do you go from playing with your child like everything’s fine to saying you hate him a couple of hours later?

I think you need to start with truth all round and stop the pretence.

It doesn’t sound like he hates him at all. But he hates the situation he’s in.

Maybe him moving out at least temporarily would take the pressure off everyone to ‘perform’.

I agree with this

I feel that as your DS gets older and actually starts looking like his family, he can’t see himself in him and he can’t deal with it. I suppose when you go into these things you don’t know how you’re going to end up feeling. I can’t imagine he really hates DS but is struggling and I would try and get him into counselling. Imagine how you would feel if people innocently say oh he had your eyes etc and inside he’s probs screaming no you can’t he’s not mine!!! Keeping it a secret has probably contributed as people wouldn’t make those comments if they knew.

The reality is you're his only support network that knows so the only person he can be honest and open with, but really thats not ideal for anyone. If hes pushing through these feelings to play with DS for the first time in a while by the sound of it perhaps being honest yesterday as hurtful as it was to hear has helped.

It's only been 24 hours since he told you how he feels. Tbh you can't change other people - he has to sort this out himself. In the meantime, he isn't showing your son how he feels, which is at least something. I would wait and see how things pan out. You might want to get some counselling for you xx

"Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad."

My younger sister bought a fridge magnet with that saying for our dad. He is also biologically ours, ie. a father, but as you alluded to its who raises the child (and how well they are raised) that is more important.

Yes, I agree, but it is one of his own making and he is and adult who made choices. He now owes a duty to an innocent child and that has to come first, which means he needs to find his big boy pants - whatever that means for him - sort himself out and fulfil that duty properly.

I would set an ultimatum- either your husband seeks therapy or you leave him. Your precious little boy has to come first.

For what it's worth, my wife has no biological link to our daughter, and yet she is the most wonderful mummy any child could ask for. She absolutely considers our daughter to be hers, and showers her in love and cuddles and kisses. Your husband's behaviour is just inexcusable.

Shame thrives in secrecy and I wonder if with the benefit of hindsight it may have been better not to hide the truth from family and friends. Children also tend to do better the younger they know information, as there is no big disclosure and fall out, it’s just a truth they’ve always known growing up. Adoption is a very good example of that. I think you need to encourage him to tell trusted people close to you so he has others to speak to to explore these feelings. Hopefully they will all be very positive about him as a father and minimise the importance of whose sperm was used, which may challenge any internalised shame he feels.

Did you ask him what he thinks should happen next? Because if he genuinely "hates" your DS, he surely can't imagine he'll continue to live with you both, especially as he's refusing any further counselling. He's essentially putting you all in a weird kind of limbo, and it won't be good for any of you.
Hate is such a strong word :/ To say it when stressed, over tired etc is one thing, but to repeat it when clear headed the next day.....Does he think he can fool your DS about how he feels? Children are very perceptive, he'll pick up on the coldness even if DH deigns to play with him occassionally.

Your marriage is over, I am so sorry. You must leave to protect your son now.

And, when he took the decision for his wife to conceive their child with another man's sperm, I doubt he was aware of all the ramifications.

Why would he not be aware of the ramifications?