Am I being unreasonable to think DH resents our DS?

[ClawFriend]

Bit of backstory — DH has fertility issues, we tried for years before going down the donor sperm route. Wasn’t easy but we both agreed and now we’ve got our lovely DS, he’s 2 now.

DH was brilliant when DS was a baby — nappies, feeds, up in the night, proper hands on. But since DS turned into a proper toddler, he’s just pulled right back. DS wants cuddles, climbs on him, wants to play, and DH just moves him or tells him to go to me. He barely interacts now unless I push it.

Had another talk about it last night and it turned into a row. He ended up shouting that he hates DS and that going with a donor was a mistake. Then he stormed out and slept on the sofa. This morning he just got up and went straight to work without a word.

I feel sick. We agreed on this together. I know it’s complicated and I know he’s struggling, but DS didn’t ask for any of this. He’s just a little boy who wants his dad.

I’m heartbroken and angry and don’t even know what to do. I feel like I’ve got to protect DS from his own dad.

I know you’ve said you had lots of counseling before using the donated sperm and didn’t rush. What have you both had since?

Honestly, this is a huge thing. Now since you’ve not told anyone about the donor sperm he’s essentially been lying by omission to everyone who says ‘oh look he’s got your eyes’. Not to mention the fact that grandma and grandpa thinks they have a biological grandchild.

Don’t you think that secret would wear on a person after a while?

Kindly, the impact of your collective decision on you is very low. I’d stop for a minute and imagine you using donor eggs and not telling your family and how that might affect you in the long term.

DH didn’t have a great relationship with his dad growing up (or either parent really), so I didn’t think he’d turn cold like this.

This stands out for me OP. Why did you think that having a sperm-donated child would magically heal all your DH's childhood issues? Rather than add to them?

Oh gosh OP, what an update, that nobody knows. Secrets and the shame they bring whether warranted or not can break a person. I couldn't bear to hear those comments and know the truth, that must be incredibly difficult

Because her little boy only gets one shot at his childhood. She doesn’t have endless years to wait for her DH to be open to therapy while this poor child is rejected by the only father he knows.

It sounds very hard. It also always amazes me all of the perfect mumsnetters who immediately scream ‘leave’ for everything.

Two is a really difficult age, it’s one of the worst. I’m pretty sure most people had times they struggled to like their kids at that age. It can feel like a constant battle.

I’m a firm believer though that no good ever comes out of lies. He’s playing this awful game of pretence to cover up the shame of his failure to father a child (as in how he probably feels, obviously not my opinion) where the truth will come out in the end and he’s just waiting for it to happen. The longer it goes on the worse it gets. He possibly also feels like a bit of an outsider too in the house. Plus the issues round his own childhood.

But sperm just makes you a sperm donor not a father. In there research that shows that over time kids become like non-bio parents anyway re: mannerisms etc - which forms part of what we look like…..?

What an awful thing to say. Back in the day plenty of fathers would have had children that weren’t theirs and never realised or be in denial about it.

Saying that he hates him is awful. You could try some family therapy but he needs to know that at the end of the day you will choose your son over him, as any good parent would.

Vile man....you need to accept your child really doesn't need this human....can't call him a man
😡in their life....it got to be over....

We do definitely plan to tell DS when he’s older — that’s never been in question. We always said we’d be honest with him in an age-appropriate way when he’s old enough to understand. I agree it’s not something you keep from the child, he deserves to know.

But it sounds like you’re going want your son to keep it a secret from your husband’s family, and I don’t think that’s fair to your son. Also, what age do you think is “old enough to understand”? If he’s old enough to understand, won’t he be old enough for it to come as a shock that your husband isn’t his biological father?

Shit. That’s awful. I can totally see why it must be hard to know the one you love’s DNA is mixed with a random stranger and you are then raising that child as though it’s your own. Unless you were absolutely on board with it, it’s going to be painful. It sounds like maybe he wasn’t absolutely convinced at the time and now he can see the child doesn’t share his looks or mannerisms it’s become impossible. I think you’re going to have to discuss separation but I’m assuming he has taken on parental responsibility via the birth certificate? If so it’s not going to be a case of just walking away, he’s going to be expected to at the very least provide child support for your son.

Agree, you can’t expect DS to tell lies/ not talk about something that will be central to his existence.

I’m a firm believer though that no good ever comes out of lies. He’s playing this awful game of pretence to cover up the shame of his failure to father a child (as in how he probably feels, obviously not my opinion) where the truth will come out in the end and he’s just waiting for it to happen. The longer it goes on the worse it gets. He possibly also feels like a bit of an outsider too in the house. Plus the issues round his own childhood.

Absolutely - he's in a really, really shitty situation.

The man is a grown man. He is not a toddler. I get that OP needs to show compassion to an extent, but it’s always women that have to bend to “struggling DH’s” . Women get no break, can’t throw tantrums and walk away from DS. 2 years have passed. You deserve compassion too. It is you who was confronted with it and shouted at whilst he apparently was sulking for months wanting nothing to do with the child. Showing it but not saying anything constructive. Conversation is good but there should be no rowing, he can go and scream outside. It’s like managing the second toddler oh boy may he not get upset. I was adopted and not wanted by the mother, I was a whim of the father who later abandoned her with me and his firstborn son for another woman (a widow with 4 other kids) in abject poverty. Her son hated my guts and many times over said he would drown me in a teaspoon of water if he could. He’s done other things too (9years older). If there is any advice - having one parent that wanted me would have made a difference I think. If you care about the child, ensure his safety and your love for them. That’s all. The man has to decide for himself.

It's definitely worth that open conversation in a calm way OP.
It does sound like there is a lot your DH isn't dealing with.

Toddlers start to show more traits, more physical resemblances etc which maybe a part of it. But traits are also learnt nurture plays a huge part in childhood development.

Of course this is nothing your DS has done, all children need love, I don't think it matters that your DS is from a donor, it would be the same if you guys went down the adopted route etc.

Whilst what your DH is doing is completely unacceptable it does sound like his mental health is struggling so be firm but kind.

This is what I came here to say!
We always have to "fix it" for the DH.....

What an awful situation, obviously the priority is DS and DH needs a clear red line ie seek counselling and support or youre out; but how horrible for this to be a secret so that he cant seek support from family and friends.

Sorry I don't understand this -

'DH didn’t have a great relationship with his dad growing up (or either parent really), so I didn’t think he’d turn cold like this.'

Are you saying that you thought your DH would be a 'good or great' parent because he didn't have a good relationship with his own parents?

We do definitely plan to tell DS when he’s older — that’s never been in question. We always said we’d be honest with him in an age-appropriate way when he’s old enough to understand.

what he probably won’t understand is why you’ve lied to him for years. You don’t suddenly announce something like this! You build it into the story of his life so it’s something he’s always known. You need to start now!

also, what’s your plan for everyone else when you’ve told him? Are you going to make him lie to everyone else? Say nothing?

I’ll feel desperately sorry for your DH in this: He’s had the fertility issues, no counselling, had to live a lie for 2 years, got a whole lot of issues coming out from when he was younger.

As your son got older your husband sees him become his own little person that he's built up these feelings and that's why when he was a baby it wasn't apparent as babies are more generic (can't think.of a better word). He could be struggling with not seeing himself in his son. Or he's struggling in general and projecting. Either way he needs to go to counselling and then you both need counselling together to see if this is something you can overcome. Your son deserves better

This.
He needs to seek some counselling. Him on his own and then you and him together. If he refuses, I think you’d have to consider you can’t continue for your son’s sake. So sad. I suspect he feels inadequate and I’d imagine that is amplified by seeing your son and you together and biologically linked; he maybe feels an outsider. I’d have thought you would have had counseling at the time of birth or during the process of getting pregnant surely. It’s a lot for someone to manage and equally a tough spot for you to be in with your son. Lots of luck to you x

I’m also surprised you are planning on telling your son. That must be awful for his dad- your DH - he’ll be anticipating that for years and years and years; and wondering if his son will abandon him in search of the man who is his genetic father. In your shoes I would absolutely not tell my son; he would be our son through and through and therefore no point in making any differentiation whatsoever. I can see why your husband is really struggling with all this tbh

My father was my biological father. He hated that I was born and resented me. The damage this has caused has run so deep.

I think I would want to see real commitment from him to go to therapy, to resolve this within himself, or I would leave. Would he treat any other child in the world with such contempt? Awful, awful behaviour

No we don’t.

But sometimes things can be shite for men just like they can be for women.

There is still potential to come back. Fortunately there have been several compassionate comments on this thread

this is a complex situation but not necessarily the end. If a mother had severe PND and rejected her dc would you also demand it be the end of a relationship and to remove the child permanently?

When my daughter was diagnosed with a disability, my husband broke down and said he didn’t want a disabled child. It took time a wee while to come to terms with it. For a few weeks, I could see him struggling to interact with her. Rather than decide he immediately should be kicked out, I took the time to talk it through with him. She’s q6 now and their relationship is as strong as ever.

You can’t not tell him because of medical background. Plus he would be very angry if he found out at 50 or something.

There must be proper advice available on how to handle it with kids. It’s hardly unusual is it these days with same sex female couples for a start.