Am I being unreasonable to think DH resents our DS?

[ClawFriend]

Bit of backstory — DH has fertility issues, we tried for years before going down the donor sperm route. Wasn’t easy but we both agreed and now we’ve got our lovely DS, he’s 2 now.

DH was brilliant when DS was a baby — nappies, feeds, up in the night, proper hands on. But since DS turned into a proper toddler, he’s just pulled right back. DS wants cuddles, climbs on him, wants to play, and DH just moves him or tells him to go to me. He barely interacts now unless I push it.

Had another talk about it last night and it turned into a row. He ended up shouting that he hates DS and that going with a donor was a mistake. Then he stormed out and slept on the sofa. This morning he just got up and went straight to work without a word.

I feel sick. We agreed on this together. I know it’s complicated and I know he’s struggling, but DS didn’t ask for any of this. He’s just a little boy who wants his dad.

I’m heartbroken and angry and don’t even know what to do. I feel like I’ve got to protect DS from his own dad.

He needs some significant counselling but that requires him to want to work on his difficulties and commit to parenting a child he agreed to bring in to the world. You need to talk to him about what he wants and if he wants to remain in the relationship and a part of your family. Is there anyone in your support network that may also be able to talk to him about how he’s feeling and can gently encourage him to get help?

A very hard and sad situation for you all. Your husband needs some counselling (I'd go private) to attempt to resolve things. If he won't or it doesn't work you need to call ut a day for yoyr son's sake.

I know other people with egg donor kids and they don't suffer from these issues.

I hope you do get things sorted out.

A lot of thoughtful responses already OP but would echo that he has unresolved feelings around his fertility issues (understandable, that's tough on most people) and there is a real possibility that your son is another reminder of that. He probably beats himself up a lot that your son is not biologically his, that he couldn't give you a child from himself.

Your son wanting another level of engagement with your partner and becoming a lot more of a person in their own right has probably just heightened the above.

Of course it's not fair on a child, however your partner needs therapy OR he needs to admit now that this isn't ever going to work for him, he cannot see it and as brutal as it is, bows out now before your child gets even more attached.

Did he have any counselling when you made the decision?

I never said his behaviour was okay.

But not raising a child at all would be infinitely easier than raising one that’s not yours for the rest of your life.

Legally, your son is your husband’s child, but biologically, there’s no getting around the fact that this is your baby with another man. Not a man you knew, not a man you had sex or a relationship with, not a man you cheated on on your husband with - but the cultural and psychological implications of “during our marriage, another man fathered my wife’s baby” can be very deep and difficult. I wonder if when your son was a baby, there was so much to do to take care of him that your husband didn’t have the mental space to think of too much beyond what your son needed immediately, but now that he’s older, your husband’s had time to think about the implications of having used a sperm donor.

l’m assuming your husband is not a hateful person, and I’m wondering if there’s some serious depression going on here. Whatever the issue is, your son needs to live in a home with parents who are connecting to him. I’d consider a separation from your husband and some major couples counseling to see if you can overcome this. I don’t think you should immediately give up an entire marriage because of something he said when you confronted him and tensions were running high. I went through some very intense depression when my children were babies, and while I never said I hated either of them, I had moments when I thought things I didn’t really mean - that my younger daughter “didn’t fit into the family,” for example.

Either way. Your husband needs to acknowledge his feelings in order to move forward and be a father or leave and not be one. Deep seated resentment and unresolved issues are not good for anybody in this situation.

Thanks again to everyone replying, it really helps to talk it through.

We haven’t told anyone about using donor sperm — my close family knew about the fertility issues but we never went into detail. DS will obviously be told when he’s older but not now, he’s too little to understand. DH’s family don’t know and they always make comments like “oh he’s got your eyes” or “he’s the spit of you” — big blue eyes etc. DH usually just nods along but I’ve no idea how it makes him feel really.

When we first found out it was him with the fertility issues, he told me I should leave him, find someone who could give me a family etc etc (this was before we were married). He really really struggled and it was awful, but counselling did help. Eventually we got to a better place and had proper convos about our options — donor sperm or adoption — and we went with donor after lots of talking. It wasn’t rushed.

He even talked about us having another baby when DS is 3 or 4, said it would be nice to have two close in age. So this has really blindsided me.

DS doesn’t deserve any of this. He’s such a loving, happy little boy. He’s always running to DP when he gets in from work, shouting “daddy!” with a big grin, and I just can’t bear that DH is cold with him now. He hasn’t done anything wrong.

I don’t think there’s anyone else but honestly this is all making me doubt everything. I don’t know if DH wants to care but just can’t or if he’s just detached and using this as an excuse to check out. Either way it’s not fair on DS and I can’t let it carry on like this.

Also:

DH didn’t have a great relationship with his dad growing up (or either parent really), so I didn’t think he’d turn cold like this.

If he didn’t have a great relationship with either parent, he didn’t have good role models, and it’s fairly common for parents to revert to how their parents acted when they’re stressed - even if, consciously, they recognize that their parents weren’t great parents. Sometimes people need to learn another way, not just in a vague sense - “I want to be a better dad than my dad was” - but in the specifics.

The fact that you haven’t told anyone makes the situation worse. Like you have a shameful secret that he is carrying alone.

Your husband needs to go to therapy.

in the meantime you need to
start quietly prepping for your likely divorce.

My father was adopted by his step-dad. They were absolutely bonded and their relationship didn’t even start until my dad was a bit older. DNA doesn’t matter. It’s about being there day after day and loving your child.

you can’t keep your son in a house where he isn’t loved unconditionally.

Those comments from your DH’s family must be such a punch in the gut every time he hears them.

It sounds like there is a lot to unravel here. I feel awful for all of you.

I agree. It means your DH can't reach out for support from anyone. He has to lie to his whole family.

By the way, in adoption we are taught to bring the child up 'knowing'. 2 is not too young to start. There will be advice out there on how to word it. Better to know he has a Donor Dad as well as his Real Dad (or whatever the recommended wording is) before he understands fully. Otherwise when will he be old enough? It will get harder and harder to tell.

This is complex. My husband and I talked donor sperm when we found out he was infertile due to a varicocele, and he thought about it and really didnt want to do it. In the end ICSI worked for his own sperm, we were lucky. If not we'd have had to be child less.

In one way it was very selfless for your husband to go down this route, as its not like adoption where neither of you are biologically related. The fact his behaviour changed when your son became a toddler and grew into his unique features speaks volumes. A baby often must looks like a baby so perhaps he found it easier then, but now he's seeing features he doesn't recognise in his son, he is struggling.

Saying all that, he absolutely must not be behaving like this to his child, he needs serious therapy or to be honest and talk it over with you. If he can't do that then the relationship is over, it's a heart breaking situation you're in.

The issue with telling OP's DS is that they will then have to tell his whole family, their close friends, etc.

I can't even begin to imagine how that will feel for OP's DH, as they've kept it a secret until now.

DH’s family don’t know and they always make comments like “oh he’s got your eyes” or “he’s the spit of you” — big blue eyes etc. DH usually just nods along but I’ve no idea how it makes him feel really.

Well, for heaven’s sake, how do you think it makes him feel?! Like he’s going to be living with a secret for the rest of his life, and that he’s always going to be reminded that his son isn’t his biological child. Living with secrets is exhausting, and takes up so much emotional energy that could be better used elsewhere. This is probably causing him a lot of stress, especially if his family is “always” making comments about how your son looks like him.

Did the two of you discuss what to tell your son about the fact that he was conceived with donor sperm? If your husband’s relatives don’t know, it sounds like either you plan to not tell your son; you do plan to tell your son, and they’ll find out when he does; or you’re going to tell your son and want him to to keep the secret too. Three bad ideas.

Irrespective of who should be doing what
I'd get two things going now, today.

1. couples therapy
2. Shortlist solo therapists for him to select and arrange to see. (Check your work policies they often cover this)

Id use these spaces to address "the secret" which i dont think is helping your dh at all even it is was his choice

You need to start to address it now or its the beginning of the end.

I was shocked at the development between 2 amd 3.
In less than 12m that child is going to see hear and understand almost everything.
While they wont be able to fully process it they WILL know something is up with daddy and it WILL impact your son.

Good luck this sounds so tough

It's hard to tell from what you've written whether the source of DH's emotional problems is his feelings about your DS's conception, or whether he is otherwise depressed (or some other MH issue) and its being focalised through your DS. Is he withdrawn generally, exhausted, irritable, not getting joy where he used to? Those would suggest a broader depressive illness might be at play. Either way his behaviour is deeply unfair to your DS and absolutely can't continue, but it does change the route you might take forward.

If you think he's depressed, can you suggest he sees a dr about medication and counselling? His response to this suggestion will probably shape how you want to move forward.

I also agree that you cannot continue to keep this secret from your families and close friends. What a massive burden on everyone. I wonder whether a support group for couples who used egg and sperm donation might help.

Actually by treating them nicely it can become genuine affection.

I had a hard time bonding with my daughter and the more human she got the harder I found it. I had a difficult relationship with my mum and it took time and therapy for me to see I wasn't going to be replicating the issues from my childhood and processing my relationships with the "mothers" in my life.

I had 18 months of therapy through the infant parenting service and it was amazing. We explored what being a parent and a mother meant to me. We did something called vig therapy where we were recording playing and the therapist would pull out second length clips showing aspects of parenting we had agreed to look at for this block of sessions.

Firstly, if he can't play pretend that he is happy around your little boy he probably wants to spend a lot less time with him on his own. If it's one does the cooking or housework and the other is on child duty it's going to be have to be cooking/housework duty. It's not fair for him to have a play parent that doesn't want to play and is emotionally and physically putting distance between the two of them
He needs to get some therapy to work on his issues and he has to really think about whether he's all in. Kids needs parents that are fully in most of the time if he can't commit to that it's time for the question about the role he does want in his life so you can build your lives around that. Continuing as you are is going to be no good for any of you.

I didn’t realise this was a secret from everyone! I think that was a mistake! You two need to sit down and have a civilised talk about how you go forwards with this. Being a secret has put a different slant on it (though still unacceptable behaviour from him).

Yeah I get that keeping it all a secret isn’t helping. But not telling anyone was DH’s decision. If it was just me I’d have probably told my sister and maybe one close friend. I don’t think I’d want his family knowing to be honest — I know what they’re like. They’re very judgemental and they’ve always treated one of DH’s cousins’ stepkids like an outsider. Like properly left out of things. I didn’t want that for DS. DH isn’t even very close with them anyway.

I don’t know if he’s told a friend or anyone. He’s never mentioned it. Maybe he’s been carrying it all quietly and it’s just eating away at him now, I don’t know.

We do definitely plan to tell DS when he’s older — that’s never been in question. We always said we’d be honest with him in an age-appropriate way when he’s old enough to understand. I agree it’s not something you keep from the child, he deserves to know. I just didn’t expect DH to start pulling away like this before any of those conversations have even happened.

It just hurts so much to see DS being brushed off. He loves DH so much and it’s like DH is trying not to love him back anymore.

Husband can't help how he feels; I'm sure he doesn't want to feel that way, nobody would.

As for the circumstances of the child's conception being a secret, nobody would want the world and his wife knowing about it, it's private. Maybe tell the child when he is old enough to understand.

It's an awful dilemma. In your place, op, I would want to live apart from my husband and see if he can sort out his feelings, or not. He knows it isn't your son's fault and, legally, the child is his so he has some responsibility.

These are my thoughts too. Does he really regret using donor sperm - bearing in mind he was initially fab with your DS - or is he just overwhelmed with the very full-on-ness of toddlerdom?

I had 3 v close together and vividly remember going to sit in the car for a bloody good scream one day when they were 2/4 years old because i felt completely overwrought and for a few moments regretted my life choices. Pre school years can be hard - these cuddly babies suddenly develop mobility, opinions and attention spans of around 2 seconds.

It might be that your DH thinks his lack of understanding/attachment/patience is coming from the fact this isn't his bio child, but it might not be that at all. A good counsellor might be able to help him see the wood for the trees.

This is heartbreaking, OP. For the sake of your DS, I think at the very least, you should have a separation as soon as possible until your DH can sort through his feelings and decide if he can love this child and be a proper father to him. Can you take DS somewhere, or can/will DH move out for a while? This situation cannot sustain itself and will truly damage your son with each day it continues, as this kind of rejection isn't just confusing to him but will impact him and all other future relationships he has as a teen and adult.

Clearly, DH is very, very unhappy to be treating a child he once cared for like this. He has to do the work to change his attitude in order to move forward, or he needs to admit that he can't do this after all and let you and DS go. It would not be fair to DS for DH to stick around only to treat him this way.

Your DH has said he hates your child. I understand this was said in the midst of an argument but those are words you need to take seriously. A separation is needed. Pronto.