Am I being unreasonable to think DH resents our DS?

[ClawFriend]

Bit of backstory — DH has fertility issues, we tried for years before going down the donor sperm route. Wasn’t easy but we both agreed and now we’ve got our lovely DS, he’s 2 now.

DH was brilliant when DS was a baby — nappies, feeds, up in the night, proper hands on. But since DS turned into a proper toddler, he’s just pulled right back. DS wants cuddles, climbs on him, wants to play, and DH just moves him or tells him to go to me. He barely interacts now unless I push it.

Had another talk about it last night and it turned into a row. He ended up shouting that he hates DS and that going with a donor was a mistake. Then he stormed out and slept on the sofa. This morning he just got up and went straight to work without a word.

I feel sick. We agreed on this together. I know it’s complicated and I know he’s struggling, but DS didn’t ask for any of this. He’s just a little boy who wants his dad.

I’m heartbroken and angry and don’t even know what to do. I feel like I’ve got to protect DS from his own dad.

And lots of parents feel that way, especially if suffering mentally themselves. It’s so common for them to withdraw and then if pushed in the heat of the moment say things like this- it’s not “okay”, but it also doesn’t mean that things are completely beyond saving.

I know lots of parents who have struggled mentally and have at times said they hated or resented their kids- some of these are among the best parents I know. The best parents are not just the ones who don’t struggle, they are also the ones who struggle and get past it.

I’m not saying the child doesn’t need to be protected from this, of course they do, but what I am saying is that sometimes adults need some support too.

I’m going against the grain here…

I don’t think it’s fair for people to say this means instant divorce.

If this was a mum saying she is struggling with her toddler, said she hates them in a heated moment and struggling to bond because she wished she never tried for a baby / donor / ivf there would be floods of support and suggestions about post natal depression.

The fact your DH was incredible for the most part suggests something has changed and he needs support. I think him temporarily leaving the home and getting therapy is what DH needs.

You have a bigger problem if he won’t get help

You could say that about any man then, and you could also say that about any couple. It’s not “on” any partner to get the other to “fix” themselves, but that doesn’t mean that every man or women who suffers with depression, anxiety, OCD etc ends up being cut off by their partner. Part of BEING a partner is about supporting & helping each other when one of you is in need.

Absolutely the child needs prioritising and protecting, but in the longterm, the knowledge that he has a donor bio father and a father on his birth certificate who rejected him as a toddler is going to be difficult. Therefore worth trying to at least see if the OP’s DH is on board with therapy etc before writing him off. For the child’s sake.

I’m sure that if my friend (who lost her desperately-wanted baby at 26 weeks and then had to support her wife through embryo adoption, pregnancy and the baby stage while still mourning her own loss and the knowledge that she would never have the chance to give birth now) had voiced her feelings at various points they would have been ‘I hate this baby. This baby isn’t mine. I want my own baby who died, and I resent my wife for being able to carry this baby to term.’ But they’re now a strong, happy family with a teenager, because they worked at it.

It’s worth a shot.

I actually feel really sorry for your DH here, he’s in a really awful situation and can’t win no matter what he does. Was there any counselling involved before you decided to use donor sperm?

I won't be replying further as I'm just repeating myself over and over.
Adults can source therapy for themselves. That's fine.
OP should rightly centre, prioritise and protect her child.

I think you need to take a deep breath here and think logically.

A 2 year old is a hell of a lot of work much much more than a newborn and you've had 2 years of lots of change and the novelty has worn off from being new parents. You are currently in the hard slog years. Regardless of sperm donor doesn't make it an issue.

Sit and think about that for a while and then talk to him again. Of course what he said wasn't right im not excusing it but just explaining his behaviour.

We've all said hurtful things whilst rowing with our partners after a hard day with the kids/at work for sure.

Ask him to leave until he can sort his head out a bit. You can't allow him to damage your lovely boy.

Ideally, he'll sort his head out and realise how well off he is and return. BUT he might not. And that's up to him. But you can't jeopardise your child's life due to your husband's error.

Oh come on! This is so minimising. Saying you hate a child and that his conception was a mistake is a big deal, it isn't normal, and it isn't helpful for the OP, her husband, or her son to be making out that it's normal to say this.

I don’t think it’s out of the ordinary for situations like an particularly difficult patch early on in adoption, or where only one parent has a biological link to the baby, as here, or where the circumstances of becoming parents are otherwise complicated.

So you don’t think a partner ever supports their partner in seeking support for their mental health? Interesting, I haven’t ever seen you on the many posts of women suffering with PND/PPA, mental health issues, telling them that they are adults and should be dealing with everything entirely by themselves? No, because THOSE posts are always an outpour of support, speak to your partner.family/friends etc.

I'm sorry.

I had a friend who had to use a donor for her child. The husband seemed fine with it, but things didn't go well.

The child turned out taller than usual for either side of the family, and they kept making "excuses" for it. (You had to be there. I kept wondering why they were always banging on about the kid having tall cousins who lived elsewhere.)

They split when the child was about 7. Thank goodness, he didn't say anything about hating the child, but it was as if his wife had committed adultery.

He "retaliated" by having an affair.

I agree with this.

What he did in the past is irrelevant. He’s told you he hates your son.

What do you mean by he can’t win no matter what he does? What positive things can he do that will still result in him not ‘winning’?

Speak to you husband and ask him if he wants to leave or work on it?

Again, I won't be derailing OPs thread with whatabouttery. When I needed medical help for CPTSD, trauma and anxiety I sourced it. It's not my husband's burden to take that on and there's really nothing at all he could have done.
Again, the child is the priority.

What rubbish.

He "wins" by treating the child nicely fgs.

Well anyone who can say they hate their small child who wants cuddles is a fucking arsehole.
Regardless of whether he's blood related to the kid or not. Why does he hate the poor little fella?

Obviously you're not going to choose H over your child so he'll be out on his ear in no time if he doesn't profusely apologise and explain himself, and seek counselling.

This is what I was coming on to say.
If everyone divorced a partner for saying "Gaaaah....I wish we'd never had kids" in the heat of the moment then there would be very many single parent families.

It's not good obviously and it needs addressing, but if this was an outburst after him struggling for ages and he's willing to get help then it's not over.

A parent faking joy and love while all the while seething with resentment and other emotions is hardly a “win” 🙄

He can’t win because his choices are either to leave, break up a family and leave OP as a single parent, or stay in a relationship where he’s unhappy while he parents a child that he has no biological connection to.

Exactly.

My baby was in nicu for a while, followed my issues with feeding and not wanting to nap and I have on two occasions said I hate him. Obviously I don’t, it was said in the heat of the moment and I regret it. He is my world, but I did temporarily struggle and think what have we done here.

So many parents can relate to this.

I think DH needs to admit to help and get counselling. Protecting the child is the main priority but supporting a struggling dh is important too.

the only problem is if DH won’t get help

Maybe I’ve been on MN too long but if he has suddenly turned off his affection do you think there might be someone else? And he’s telling himself he’s been “trapped” by this baby who isn’t even his?

Whatever the reason I’m just so sorry OP - you went through so much to have the child you both wanted and now he’s here and he’s lovely and his dad is being so unkind to him.