Am I being unreasonable to think DH resents our DS?

[ClawFriend]

Bit of backstory — DH has fertility issues, we tried for years before going down the donor sperm route. Wasn’t easy but we both agreed and now we’ve got our lovely DS, he’s 2 now.

DH was brilliant when DS was a baby — nappies, feeds, up in the night, proper hands on. But since DS turned into a proper toddler, he’s just pulled right back. DS wants cuddles, climbs on him, wants to play, and DH just moves him or tells him to go to me. He barely interacts now unless I push it.

Had another talk about it last night and it turned into a row. He ended up shouting that he hates DS and that going with a donor was a mistake. Then he stormed out and slept on the sofa. This morning he just got up and went straight to work without a word.

I feel sick. We agreed on this together. I know it’s complicated and I know he’s struggling, but DS didn’t ask for any of this. He’s just a little boy who wants his dad.

I’m heartbroken and angry and don’t even know what to do. I feel like I’ve got to protect DS from his own dad.

This is a great and measured response, rather than “kick him out”. I think he probably needs individual counselling to work through this.

I think a lot of people are minimising the emotions that must come with using donor sperm.

FWIW I do think OP should end her marriage but I think her DH is in a really difficult position raising a child that’s not his and who is only going to look more and more like the donor as the years go by.

I can’t imagine how hard it must be to be raising a child that’s a constant reminder of your own infertility while knowing it’s your wife’s biological child.

You need to put your child first.

Unless your partner's immediately apologises and tell you he will seek counselling for his issues I would say this relationship is over.

It is not up to you either to 'fix' him so the burden is on him to sort himself out...

I think he needs to speak to someone. As babies turn into toddlers, you often start to see more of yourself in them. Maybe he didn't properly process how he'd feel about his son not sharing DNA with him, and it's coming to light now he’s older?

Either way, your son deserves to have his dad's care and attention. Therapy could help him work through his feelings in a healthier way than withdrawing from his child.

You need to prioritise your child here, before irreparable damage is done.

Maybe therapy can help your husband and ultimately save your marriage, but he needs to move out in the meantime and whilst it’s taking place, so that your DS doesn’t have to live with this hatred.

If he refuses - including the temporary moving out - or if it doesn’t seem like it will work, then I think it’s over.

Protecting DS must be your overriding consideration.

This was my first thought.

Does your DH want to love your son, but is struggling, or does he really not care?

If he wants to, then maybe look into some attachment resources, maybe those aimed at adopters?

Are there some bonding things DH can do, whether it is bathtime, or swimming or toddler football or something?

Nailed it. What reasonable person would take this out on an innocent child??

Loads of people have close relationships with non-biological children - step parents, adopted parents. I suspect it’s dented his feeling of manhood and he’s throwing his toys out of the pram.

Tell him he either gets himself to counselling or it’s over. Your son WILL feel it and it’s no way for him to grow up.

It’s no excuse for bad behavior but it’s very likely that your husband has unresolved issues around his fertility and the biology of your DS. I’d imagine that when you are in the throes of fertility treatment it’s easy to just say yes to the options without thinking about the effect they may have on either of you further down the line. My DH and I always said that should donor egg / sperm become the only option available to us we would choose a donor embryo as opposed to the child being biologically half of one of us. Sounds weird I know but humans are complicated and whilst I think I would be able to handle it (as a woman you carry and give birth) I know that my husband would struggle with the paternity side of things.

But nothing excuses bad behavior. Your child is innocent in all of this and i suggest your husband seeks out some therapy to resolve these issues before they mean the end of your marriage and shared parenthood.

I’d agree. Therapy is the only thing that can salvage this. OP says we agreed this together but it’s possible he didn’t feel he had a lot of choice at the time because he wasn’t able to do it himself and it was probably in his mind the only way for them to remain together, meaning it would have been an extremely high pressure decision. Now however as the child has developed it is probably clearer and clearer every day that the child is nothing like him, is definitely OPs son but not his and a constant reminder that he still can’t have children.

There is no coming back from this. Even if he had therapy and was able to explore, articulate and express his profoundly negative feelings it would be impossible to forget such harsh words. It is not as if he said he was struggling and confused and wanted to talk about it, he has said that he hates your little boy. He treats him with hatred too and your little one will know that his dad does not love him. I am so sorry OP, this must be awful and very shocking. My heart goes out to you both

So sorry you're going through this. All I have to add is that me and my brother were conceived by donor sperm - it's long ago enough that we weren't told until we grew up so I never knew that our dad wasn't our bio dad and when we did find out, it made me love him more than ever as he'd been such a good dad to me and it can't have always been easy. However, while he was also a good dad to my brother in many ways and we'd never have guessed that he wasn't the bio dad, my brother's experience wasn't like mine and they did have a more fractious relationship. In retrospect, it feels like it was harder for my dad to deal with a son who wasn't his than a daughter. I was very much a daddy's girl and he was great with me when I was little, but I can see he struggled with my brother more and now we seem to have the explanation (my dad died so can't discuss it now and he wouldn't have talked about it, very old-school that way).

Obviously it's different for everyone, but just from that experience, it feels like your DH may be finding it especially hard raising a boy knowing it's not his own. As you say, even though you chose similar looks, your DH may be more aware of the male donor than he would if it was a daughter. And to be very clear, I'm not saying it would be all fine if you had a DD, just that this has happened as your DS has gone from being a baby with less of a specific identity to being a son that he's feeling is another man's rather than/as well as his own. It is a huge thing to deal with and I'm thankful my dad managed so well - as do many parents who adopt or use donor sperm or eggs - but your DH isn't coping and unless this is something he can past with counselling and put to bed in his head, it's not going to work and, as others have said, your marriage is effectively over. Where that would leave you in terms of custody/his access, I don't know. For now, I hope you can find some support and talk it through with him when you have some calmness and a safe space to do so you can both be honest. Pretending it's not a problem is not possible any more. You're a good mother for doing something about this and ultimately putting your son first.

You need to approach this situation with love and listening rather than confrontation and anger. (From both sides)

Hes going through something deep down and with some good talking and searching I believe this could be moved past.

He needs to get back into therapy asap.

Remember to stay open minded, remind him you’re a team and that you want to work together to sort this out.

There is hurtful, and then there is something so huge that it changes everything. I have never said that I hated anyone in anger, especially not my children. Actually, although I may have said things more harshly than necessary while upset, I have never not meant what I said. The only regret might be tone or phrasing. If dh said this about my children, I would never forgive him.

Well said 👏🏻

Not like the grass is greener elsewhere though. He won't be able to make a baby with a different woman. It's literally a him problem.

He needs to go off and sort himself out. Not take his failings out on a helpless child.

The thing is, it’s him that has fertility issues so he most likely was never going to be a biological father. So whether it’s donor or adoption he should have thought through this thoroughly first. If he wants to be a loving dad then he has to take the necessary steps to ensure he can build the tools to make this happen (therapy). (Not while living with you both though if he’s going to be immature about it). If no therapy then build a life for you and your son because no matter what scenario he finds himself in in the future (new woman, step kids etc) he is not going to be a biological dad with any of them.

This is a very thoughtful response. I agree that you must protect your son but I think you should give your husband one chance to address his feelings and see if it is possible to move forward positively as a family.

Dh neds more counselling perhaps combined with family counselling. Contact a charity thats supports parents with donor conception. Perhaps he needs to talk to other men in same situation and get support that way

Sorry but 'I get that he's struggling' doesn't cut it. He is an adult. This is all about his male ego, he is pathetic. Regrettably he is not a role model for your little boy, and you need to consider what emotional damage your husband could do in the future. He clearly has no empathy and cannot be trusted.

Agreed. He will be feeling emasculated pretty much constantly, I would imagine, and those feelings will bubble up in him every time your son acts up or is difficult in any way. Your husband really needs heavy duty therapy right away because he can't continue bringing up your child feeling the way he does

Agree with everyone who says he needs more therapy and some understanding. However, it would be unwise to stay living together while this is ongoing. He literally shouted that he hates the child in the house. It’s not a safe space for your son right now. It might be after he works on himself.

I agree. That is one of the dangers of donors, surely all that was explained to you before you went ahead but I suppose you don't really know until you've done it. Obviously your desire for a child of your own trumped all other needs. I really wish sperm (& egg), donation had never been thought of, frankly, and that infertile couples found fulfilment in other ways. Being childless is not the end of the world.

Urgh, this is so sad to read OP. I really feel for you and your little boy. I don't have anything to add but I really hope your DH work through this and be the best Dad for your child.

Reading your reply - could something else be going on and he’s using this as an excuse to lash out? Amy other changes in your own relationship, staying out more etc?