To not want my parents to go in my bedroom (I'm 33 yrs old)

[Gummybearmum]

My parents have started looking after my 1 year old son one day a week so I can work. Both times they've been into mine and my partners bedroom. First time they said my baby crawled into there, so they went to get him out. Second time there was a little pile of clean laundry on our bed, when I came home mum had ironed it. I thanked her, as I know she's only trying to help, but she shouldn't have even known it was there. My partner really doesn't like it, he says it's our personal space. I agree but have no idea how to say to them..

Yanbu! As she has a history of snooping personally I’d be getting a lock on that door asap. Either that or fill your bedside drawers with giant dildos.

This would bother me too, my bedroom is mine and my husband’s private space.

It may not be a choice between free childcare or not, the day a week is also allowing bonding with the grandchild. Just because you trust someone with your child doesn’t mean you want them in your bedroom, touching or passing judgement on your underwear.

In our house now my mother is disabled and unable to do her own washing or ironing, she’s so uncomfortable that my husband and I do this for her, but there is no other option.

It’s not unusual to not want the intrusion.

So why the relevance of your age, if it's your own place?

What I would give to have any help never mind a mum who wanted to help.

Because surely in your 30’s you’re entitled to bedroom privacy in your own home! Her age is relevant here. It emphasises how ridiculous it is for her mother to go snooping and stomping all over her privacy.

My husband is like you, really doesn't like people coming into our bedroom. If we are out and a babysitter is in the house he will lock the bedroom door.

I don't think you have to make a big deal, just get a lock on the door and leave it locked. Obviously make sure nothing she needs is in there.

It’s perfectly possible to bond with a grandchild without being expected to provide free/ cheap childcare. The OP could invite her mum over when she’s there herself, or visit her parents with her child, or do days out together.

You're entitled to privacy in your own home, at any age. That's my whole point.

I provide some childcare in DGC’s homes. This doesn’t entitle me to intrude on private spaces, which I think the master bedroom often is. As it happens, my DC doesn’t seem bothered about this, however, I only go in there if told that I should go in to get something specific. Being in someone else’s home does mean trying to be respectful, whatever the reason I am there for. This isn’t an opportunity to nose around! I think it would be helpful and not at all offensive to say that you prefer it if nobody goes into your bedroom unless it is essential.

I also would not do anything with their laundry unless that was previously agreed. Obviously, I tidy up toys, prepare food and wash up, wipe surfaces down etc. If your mother ignores your request then you have a decision to make about childcare and what is most important to you.

Your partner wouldn't like either my mother or MIL then. My mother irons my hubby's jocks and outs them away and my MIL puts stuff away in our room too. Life's to fecking short to be bothered by this sort of crap

Ah apologies I misunderstood

Your bedroom is suppose to be just that, yours. A safe private haven where you can have it as messy or tidy as you like, with private stuff, dirty clothes or whatever you want, where ever you want to leave it, be a drawer or floor, left alone. I would get a lock. I have one on my bedroom. It's nobody's business why you don't want people in it. It is your home. Your safe and private home. If she doesn't like it, that's on her.

I thought 😅 your not being silly OP, and these saying “well pay for childcare then!” How silly! You are perfectly entitled to ask your mother to keep out of your room, and she should be adult enough to respect that and just say “ok” :) it really should be that simple :) x

another choice is simply to ask her mother not to go into their room and her mother to just say “ok”? Really is quite simple to respect one anothers wishes, providing childcare or not….

I think it's rude to go into another person's bedroom if the door is shut and it's not in your house and you've not asked permission.

Everyone deserves privacy.

I think you should put a lock on your door.

The start of this is fine but I'd stop talking at "dps space too".
Telling a grown woman who has raised kids of her own that hot irons can be dangerous around babies is patronising as fuck. I can't imagine she was holding the dd in one hand and ironing in the other, she probably did it while dd was napping or op's dad had her.

Obviously so but OP is only providing further context with her age.

Your update regarding your childhood, puts a whole new perspective on this OP.That was controlling and abusive, regardless of why they did it. Stand up for yourselves. Make it clear your bedroom is private. Given their history however, I don't think this will stop them. Can you switch to their house? However, I'd be thinkung about whether they will allow your child privacy as they grow up around them? Please make sure your children have a different experience to you.

This is why we need the laughing emoji, or maybe this 😭

I just can't imagine opening the door and walking into my dcs room they share with their partner in their house for no good reason.
But equally I don't walk into the bathroom when they're in their either.

For the posters who are saying that OP isn't in a position to complain because she's getting free childcare - are you saying that if she were to pay her mum then she'd be entitled to think that her mum shouldn't go in her bedroom, but it she doesn't then she can't? I genuinely don't understand the logic - bedrooms are generally understood to be a private space so I don't understand how 'free childcare' supercedes.

I often dogsit for my MIL. She doesn't pay me to do this but funnily enough it hadn't occurred to me to start snooping around her bedroom when she's not around.

Did you see the part where I said ‘I think’?
That means, in my opinion, that it’s lovely and I’d be very grateful.

Edited as I’d misread and thought OP lived with her parents.

I would also not like it. Just because someone is helping doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be any boundaries. If someone wants and is willing to help doesn’t mean they are allowed to do whatever they want in their grown child’s home. It’s only mothers that see their kids as an extension of themselves that don’t care whatsoever about their grown child’s feelings, likes and wants that think rules never apply to them. Even if they’ve been told many, many times. It’s the whole attitude of I’m helping so I can do whatever I want. I’ll treat their home as my home and I can go into whatever room I please and snoop at everything. This is how you know it’s not done out of kindness but but manipulation and control. Now I’ve done this for you I can do whatever I want. If you complain about my lack of boundaries you are ungrateful. You can help while being respectful. When I’ll help my children I’ll make sure I respect what my grown child’s and their partner’s wishes are. What you said about not having any privacy growing up and them coming into the bathroom while in the bath when you were into your 20’s is outrageous. Literally belittling! If you don’t want someone to see you naked you have every right to that even if it’s your parents! They’ve invalidated your feelings and need for privacy and now doing it in your own home! If I was helping out a friend with childcare I wouldn’t ignore her requests of what happens in her own home. It’s like saying I’m helping you so you have to put up with me doing whatever I want I want.

I presume to emphasise that she isn't young enough for her mother to possibly feel that she can ignore her daughter's wishes. I'm not sure why you are like a dog with a bone about this though. How is OP saying that she is 33, so a mature adult and not a teenager being goady?

I know you know now it's her own place, but for anyone in doubt, even if it was a bedroom in her parents house, this doesn't give the parents the right to walk in to their bedroom just because it's in their house, just because they want to.
Obviously if there was an emergency or it was a safeguarding issue it would be different but this isn't like that.

If you read all OP's posts, particularly the ones about her childhood, you would be aware that her mum wouldn't react positively to OP politely asking her to respect her boundaries and not go into her bedroom.

OP and her siblings had absolutely no privacy from their parents growing up, to the point that it almost sounds abusive.