To not want my parents to go in my bedroom (I'm 33 yrs old)

[Gummybearmum]

My parents have started looking after my 1 year old son one day a week so I can work. Both times they've been into mine and my partners bedroom. First time they said my baby crawled into there, so they went to get him out. Second time there was a little pile of clean laundry on our bed, when I came home mum had ironed it. I thanked her, as I know she's only trying to help, but she shouldn't have even known it was there. My partner really doesn't like it, he says it's our personal space. I agree but have no idea how to say to them..

I dont think you are being unreasonable or your partner. People saying “I have read it all now” and talking of “free childcare” what if it were a MIL snooping in her son and DIL’s bedroom? Im sure the replies would be quite different. You are entitled to privacy in your own home free childcare or not. I certainly would not be going into my in -law’s room if they were not there 🧐. Shut the door and ask for it to be remained closed, unless they are in desperate need of a much needed sleep there is no reason to go into your bed/bedroom. I assume everything they need to care for your child are in other rooms.

Totally justified. Put a lock on the door and say you found your LO in there slathering himself in your best lippie or playing with your jewellery box and you don't want him doing it again.

Just because she is being so kind as to help out with childcare does not entitle her to invade your private space , unlike what some of these ridiculously snitty responses suggest.

I wish my mum would come and do my ironing!

Free childcare, in the child's own home
laundry done as well.

You have choices - either you continue to accept this free childcare
or you pay for childcare

If you are so keen on privacy in your home, then maybe the free childcare could take place in your Mother's home...

@Mayspring

its not her home though, it’s her parents home. She needs to move out into another property with her own partner and baby and that house will be her home and she’ll have all the privacy she could want.

My mother was similar. It was about respect and boundaries. Once I had my own house, she was rarely unattended and on the rare occasion she babysat, she would prefer to wipe down or iron rather than play with the children because an immaculate house was always her priority.

I was independent from the age of 18 and never had to compromise because she was never asked and never offered to provide regular childcare.

Where you are coming from is totally understandable. Whether you are prepared to compromise, lock private things away or have firmer boundaries depends on her anticipated response and how much you need free childcare.

FWIW because of my mother, my children's rooms have always been regarded as their private space, within reason because I wouldn’t have put up with filthy living. They are 27 and 30 now and paradoxically we have a much more open relationship that I had or have with my mother.

I’ve been in this situation, both with parents and a friend. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask/expect visitors to stay out of your bedroom.
I have private paperwork in my bedroom cupboards and I don’t like the idea of anyone going in there- there’s no need.

I’ve always considered adults bedrooms private and would never go in without permission.

I got locks fitted in the end.

You’ve got support I can only dream of. I think it’s lovely of her.

Op doesn't say if she's told them before not to go in there. If she has,then it's out of order. If not the OP needs to tell them or put a lock on the door.

How strange to feel like that…anyone can go in my bedroom, it’s not like we have personal items like lingerie or sex toys out on show! We have an open door policy for bedrooms in our house for kids and us included. We sleep with our bedroom door open anyway as we have cats and dogs that come and go throughout the night. She’s providing free childcare and even ironed, what’s to complain about??

It's not 'lovely' to disregard someone's privacy.

Oh isnt it?

@Mayspring

no.

Where does OP state she and her partner share a house with her parents??

I think her mum is coming to her house to watch the baby and taking that time to go up, open their closed bedroom door and snoop around inside. Much as she snooped inside her bedroom throughout her 20’s, as well as opening mail addressed to OP and not allowing any toilet privacy growing up.

Please correct me if I’ve got this wrong OP. But also instantly get a bedroom lock or arrange other childcare. It isn’t normal that your mum does this.

You know she doesn't live with her parents?

I’m on the fence here OP as I don’t think you are being unreasonable to want to keep her out your room. I have a mum who can be nosy and can relate to the “why have you been in my room?” panic.

However, like you my mum does us a lot of childcare favours and sometimes she may need to go in our room. She’s actually slept in our bed a good few times when she’s been cat sitting for us. In fact a lot of family members have been in the bedroom for one reason or another and honestly could have snooped at anything. As much as I might want our bedroom to be a private, sacred place in theory it just isn’t possible in practice. Only you know whether she has legitimate reason to be in your room.

What are her boundaries like? Is her bedroom out of bounds or is it an open door? Not saying you have to reciprocate her open door policy if she has one but I do think it’s a bit different if you’re banned from her room but she has full access to yours? My mum doesn’t care if I go in her room (as long as it’s not in the run up to Christmas) and thinking about it I’ve been in MIL’s bedroom and all my grown siblings bedrooms as well. Not everyone considers them private spaces.

For me I’d ask what harm she’s actually doing putting some ironing in your room and if the privacy aspect is worth making a fuss given she’s providing childcare in your home. If the privacy is a real issue for you both though maybe she does the childcare at hers.

OP specifically talks about her parents house as a separate entity to her own so I do think you are mistaken here.

Ridiculous.

Sadly when there are drip feeds it leaves posters open to giving replies they may not offer if they knew the whole story from the beginning. This in turn makes an OP feel the replies are unreasonable & designed to be bullying. In the vast majority of cases posters are expressing how they would feel after reading the first post on the thread. This thread is a perfect example.

Not really, it doesn't have to be so binary.

OP is perfectly entitled to have boundaries about her own home. Just because the GPs aren't being paid to look after their own grandchildren doesn't change that fact. Most people know that snooping around someone else's home is not really on.

Why don't they have them at their own house? I'd be really bored in someone else's house all day - probably why she's looking around for things to do like ironing.

it sounds like she has no regard for boundaries and privacy if she opened your post, snooped in your room etc so it’s odd that you have her looking after your child. Is it just because it’s cheaper than proper childcare?

Pay for childcare then!

@Cherrytree86 it is our own home, it's a small 2 bed flat

It isn't her parents' home. It's OP's own home