To not want my parents to go in my bedroom (I'm 33 yrs old)

[Gummybearmum]

My parents have started looking after my 1 year old son one day a week so I can work. Both times they've been into mine and my partners bedroom. First time they said my baby crawled into there, so they went to get him out. Second time there was a little pile of clean laundry on our bed, when I came home mum had ironed it. I thanked her, as I know she's only trying to help, but she shouldn't have even known it was there. My partner really doesn't like it, he says it's our personal space. I agree but have no idea how to say to them..

I wish my parents

1. Looked after my DC

and 2. Did the ironing for me! Sounds like a dream!! If you don’t like it why not put a lock on the door

I know! This has completely baffled me and its got me quite angry on OP’s behalf tbh. So what, when these posters become grandmother’s themselves they will be offering free childcare and will therefore absolutley have the right to snoop anywhere they like, they will absolutley have the right to disregard their daughter’s/DIL’s concerns, they will absolutley have the right to just not listen to a damned thing that child’s mother has to say, because, well “I’m doing free childcare” 🤯🤯 Good luck in future with that attitude.

I think I understand you and I don't find you unreasonable. It's tricky because you don't want to be 'difficult' or seem ungrateful, and yet you (and your husband) feel uncomfortable about this. You just want to keep this ONE room private. I would gently tell them ...

I would mention it to them OP, i agree they shouldn't be going in your bedroom without your say so, it is a private space, my mum and mother in law both babysit for us and have never gone in our room and wouldn't without us there, just like when we visit them we don't go in their bedrooms unless asked to to look at something.

I totally empathise with this, I experienced similar growing up and it makes me feel very protective of my privacy. Even now, in my 40s and surrounded by people I trust and who trust me, I hide things that there's no real reason to hide.

I understand your point as my father was very controlling when I was growing up, he is very nosey and he would also snoop around my things. Therefore, I would hate for him to be in my house alone as I know he would snoop through everything - my mother on the other hand wouldn’t and doesn’t so I wouldn’t worry about her going in to my room to leave ironing etc. I have a key lock on my bedroom door and I had it put in when I was renovating part of my house, so that I could keep one room locked with items I wanted out of the way from all the people coming and going.

So do I, but sadly my parents live too far away for this to work.

If they did do it though, I still wouldn't expect them to want or need to go into my bedroom.

The two things are mutually exclusive, surely?

OP I think the drip feed didn't help at the beginning as first comment does across as a touch ungracious.

I grew up in a household where it was a very open door policy, no room was off limits and although I don't think that lifestyle is for everyone, I don't think it is weird. Even as you get older. It's almost like a habit you have to retrain your brain for.

As for your mother going into your bedroom currently, it feels like you have a few options.
You could have a grown up conversation about your boundary and explain it is no longer just your bedroom and that it makes hubby uneasy, if it persists you will consider putting a lock on the door.
You could ask her to have the baby at her house which will have to have a reason for it.
Or you could put a lock on the door. The last 2 options run a risk of upsetting her and you might lose your free childcare.

I suspect DM doesn't even think that she is causing an issue as it is a lifelong habit for her. I don't think its sinister going into your room. Perhaps she doesn't see the issues that arise with your partner(and yourself) about privacy.

Obv if she ignores your request, then I would think it is deliberate and would question her intentions. Good luck either way.

I wouldn't like it at all...especially as partners room aswell.. private space

Get a grip and stop acting like an ungracious, ungrateful brat.

I will go against the grain here.

How many of you would want your MIL snooping around your bedroom? I certainly wouldn't! OP husband has every right to feel like it is an invasion of privacy because it is.

Just because OP parents are kindly offering childcare it doesn't mean they need to go anywhere near her bedroom.

OP just get a lock for the door.

Oh we have descended into rage 😂

I haven’t read the full thread, but just want to say that I really empathise with how you feel @Gummybearmum. I am not saying you are reasonable or otherwise but I feel exactly the same, as I have a close relative who constantly seems to find excuses to do the same and it feels like a bit of an invasion of my privacy.

I grew up in a fairly chaotic household with multiple siblings (including a sister who loved raking through my private stuff) so I think this is why I guard my own space quite jealously.
I also know this relative is prone to a bit of snooping so it puts me on edge and deters me from using them for babysitting.

It's absolutely ok for people to have different interpretations of the purpose of a bedroom but I consider it to be my haven / private space, particularly because even if the rest of the house is presentable and tidy, it's the one room where if I'm in a rush, there might be clothes in the bed, yesterday's knickers on the floor waiting to go to the laundry basket etc.

Would you be able to have a conversation with her about this? Just to help her understand how you feel? I was nervous of doing this for a long time but have recently done so. She thought I was being ridiculous but I just reiterated the point and asked her to respect how I feel about this.

That's the result of the drip feed.

Yes and hence why the voting is going the way it is.

I’m a gm who provides 2 days and an overnight childcare each week. We (my dh is a very active gd) nearly always do it from our home but have occasionally done the childcare at my dds house.
No way would I ever enter her bedroom - it’s an invasion of privacy in my eyes. It’s her and her dhs personal, private space.

I admit I’ve done her ironing a few times but I’ve asked her first and her ironing pile is always in the utility room.
Life is hard for working mums with babies/toddlers.

I think a lot of us probably knew this was the case, it’s what it brings up for you. So it’s not that she is going into your bedroom as an adult. No you aren’t unreasonable it’s taking you back to that younger you where you had no power. X

I think you’re misinterpreting here. I don’t think anyone is saying free childcare means she can snoop wherever she likes. I think what people are saying is, knowing the mother doesn’t respect boundaries and privacy in a way which has actually been quite abusive, why on earth would you want her providing childcare? She can’t be trusted to respect boundaries. That was certainly my point.

it doesn’t have to be a case of preventing the mother from bonding with her grandchild. The OP can invite them to her home when she’s there, she can visit her parents’ home, she can do days out with them…

the mother is completely out of order in what she’s doing, but there’s a a very simple solution: take her out of the ‘childcare while I work’ situation, pay for proper childcare and let her just be a grandma.

Well it’s good feedback for those who have reacted to that that they may want to work on their emotional intelligence. I would also say that sometimes it doesn’t occur to the op that this is why it’s bothering them and it needs an astute poster to ask the right questions

I've missed.lost of the conversation but @Gummybearmum YANBU

I hate the idea of my mum going on my room, and I'm 45. This also stems from a complete lack of privacy growing up. She used to go into my room when I was a teenager and search for something, anything she could get annoyed with. She would search my school bag for notes to or from friends and use it as some weird evidence of how awful I was as a person.

A few years ago she found Some shoe boxes I had saved things in when I was a teenager, including diaries. I had no idea they still existed. She read them. And took many opportunities to rip me apart because of something I'd written when I was 14.

She reads post addressed to me to my own address and given the opportunity will snoopy in my childrens' rooms too.

It makes me feel unwell, like she is crawling all over any private thoughts or belongings. And I don't even have anything remotely unpleasant or... personal anywhere. She just needs to know everything. It's like she's constantly trying to get into my thoughts and find out that either I hate her or that I'm a bad person.

I think some people just don't really get it, unless they've had this experience.

I'm sure you've had plenty advice, but I'd probably keep the bedroom door shut. And say she doesn't need to do any housework, she's there to spend time having fun with her grandchild, and no other expectations of her.

I do feel for you.

I have read them. I am in complete agreement with OP. I was pointing out that poor OP should be in a position where she should be able to ask her mother to keep out and her mother should be respectful of her wishes, but she is not. I was trying to tell another poster that “providing free childcare” does not gove OP’s mother the tight to completely disregard or disrespect her wants and needs.

Op my mum would go through my handbag after I left home and came back to visit her. I was tempted to put something shocking in there for her to find. However on balance I'd not have look after my kids regularly.

I think you either trust her or you don't. No amount of free childcare would let me leave my child with someone I basically didn't trust. My kids are more important than my handbag.

Without your backstop I'd say yabu. But knowing your parents barged into you naked regularly you have got bigger issues than your mum ironing your knickers.

Do you want her walking in on your naked kids at a later stage?

So in your case yanbu but personally as someone who's mum was abusive you might be in fog by using her for childcare. It's all a bit mixed up really knowing what's OK if you childhood was like yours

I’m struggling to understand the comments about if you don’t like them going in your room pay for childcare etc…… OP is a grown woman, why are they going in her and partners personal space and what for ? There is no reason for them to do that, my dad was the same when I lived at home - never any privacy, letters opened, pictures etc taken from my room and destroyed - he’s a nosey bastard and I wouldn’t be happy with him now snooping in my own home regardless if there’s nothing to be found - it’s a personal space between adults where I’m sure adult shenanigans take place - stay the fuck out !! pop a lock on the door and if they ask about it tell them straight it’s because of you !!

Just tell her that you’d rather she didn’t go in your bedroom.
If she does it again, consider alternative childcare.

This is not ok. My mum was a snooper. Read diaries etc as I was deliberately putting untruths in and catching her out. So I started writing what a dickhead she was for reading personal diaries. It meant I stopped keeping a diary which I had done since I was quite young as I watched a blue Peter with a lady in her 80s who had about 70 years of diaries and I was younger.

feels like a violation. Can you kid go to their house now they are a bit older?
they aren’t respecting your house and your rules. Get a lock on the door but make sure everything they might need is out.