To not want my parents to go in my bedroom (I'm 33 yrs old)

[Gummybearmum]

My parents have started looking after my 1 year old son one day a week so I can work. Both times they've been into mine and my partners bedroom. First time they said my baby crawled into there, so they went to get him out. Second time there was a little pile of clean laundry on our bed, when I came home mum had ironed it. I thanked her, as I know she's only trying to help, but she shouldn't have even known it was there. My partner really doesn't like it, he says it's our personal space. I agree but have no idea how to say to them..

I agree with the lock suggestions 'now that DS is so mobile'. And no, she doesn't need a key for it 'why?' with a very puzzled frown.

My DM was a snooper. Always couched in helpful, 'I'm doing this for your benefit' terms.

DH built a secret lock onto our private bedside cupboard. You had to know it was there and also what the key was (a small piece of dowling easily missed in a drawer). I would imagine DM consumed by curiosity by it.

So you trust them with your son, your most precious possession but not to enter your bedroom and leave a pile of freshly ironed laundry? Unless you have a chest of kinky sex gear or a drawer full of cocaine that you’d rather they didn’t find then I think you are pretty nuts and very ungrateful for the free childcare (a lock on the kink chest would resolve this though).

My parents are very similar to this.

My dad grew up with lots of siblings and then went to boarding school, he just doesn't get privacy.

My mum just loves to snoop and considers nothing private - she used to go through my bin.

You're not unreasonable to feel like it's an invasion of privacy but they won't listen to you.

After a few rounds of this, I no longer allow my mum to be in the house without us and when she is here, I go upstairs with her to stop her from going into our room. I have also considered a lock.

If it’s any consolation I wouldn’t like it. I’m in my early 50s. My kids and I lived with my mum & nanna for a few weeks (15yrs ago) and my nanna used to empty our washing basket and do all our washing. She was being kind but I felt it was an invasion of privacy. I didn’t say anything as she was helping.

Totally get the feeling of invasion. When my mum and dad used to come over to mine to watch my son while I worked I did find it a bit of a weird feeling when she’d do loads of cleaning while he napped (my first thought was ‘surely it’s not filthy enough in here that you deem it necessary to scrub everything?!’) but I quickly realised I was being touchy and she just wanted to help. I’d try to see it from that angle. My mum used to go through stuff in my room too, so I get why it feels a bit invasive! I’d try to assume the best of her and that she just wants to take some work off you for when you’re home x

There's no need for them to go into your bedroom. It's not like you're banning them from the kitchen or bathroom.

Interesting to know from pp's that when someone's doing you a favour, they then get the run of your house 🤣

Install a lock on the door, don’t give them a key. Of course it isn’t unreasonable to expect privacy in your home as a grown adult. No guest gets a snooping pass.

Many years ago we had our mail redirected to our in-laws as a temporary measure as we were moving house. MIL used to think it was perfectly acceptable to open our bank statements and pass comment on what we were spending our earnings on. She'd tell all of the family too who used to think it was Ok to criticise if they thought I'd been to M&S and not Aldi.

You and your partner should pay for child care then. She can take care of your child but can’t step into your room? It’s not like she sleeps on your bed or is snooping around. She is even nice to have ironed your laundry while tending to a crawling child. Be grateful. Especially your partner or he can get off work and take care of his child.

This reflects my childhood and I think you're completely justified. Get a lock for your door, don't say anything.

Now in your case, I can see the relevance of stating your age as you were living with your mum. I don't see how being 33 is relevant to the OP's case when it's her own home. Thread title is deliberately goady.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. My bedroom is definitely off limits to anyone except my husband and kids.

If you put that in your op people who have voted differently

I think your mum may be like my mum and when she comes to visit she likes to potter. It sounds like she has been this way your whole life so isnt going to change so either you and your partner accept it or don't have her provide free childcare. Saying something is very unlikely going to change her behaviour if you have been ignored for so long and if you can't control someone's behaviour you change how to react to it ie. put up or pay for childcare. Good luck!

Think a lot of people from 'older generations' have much more relaxed view on privacy.
I did student accommodation tours and it was usually:
Student: so bathroom is not private?
Parents: there are just two rooms sharing it
Grandparents: what do you want? I would put four of you into this room.

My mum is also relaxed and used to walk in my room/family bathroom any time. They do just open door and go into my home now.
My MIL did laundry and discovered all kinds of underwear (that kept my marriage alive 😏) but continued to fold it...

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I wouldn't like my mum going in to my bedroom. I would feel it's an invasion of privacy. I also didn't like her touching my laundry.

Also, I do think your feelings are valid to feel the way you do. Completely valid. I remember my mum used to do my washing and tidied up my bedroom and bathroom when I stayed with her briefly a couple of years ago. I didnt like the feeling she had tidied up after me and it made me feel inferior/shame. I don't know why because she's my mum and I love her and she was trying to be nice and she really didnt mind doing it. It annoyed me though. I just kept telling myself that she was being nice and was doing it because she loved me and even though I'd say things like "thanks mum but you don't need to do the washing for me." She would say she wouldnt mind and carried on.

People would give anything to have free (presumably) childcare from their mother who is also willing to do a little ironing. I think you sound very entitled OP.

I've read it all now,best thing you can do is say sorry mum you cant look after my son because myself and my partner think you're a snoop so we will pay someone instead..get a grip of yourself

Also I agree with a previous poster who said it may be a generational thing too. My mum came from a generation who lived with family throughout their childhoods in South East London. She had to share a room with her brother and Aunt and cousin growing up and so privacy meant different things to her to what they did myself who had her own bedroom growing up.

I think this really depends on your relationship with your parents. We have a very open household which is also how it was when I was growing up, the doors to all rooms are open to our children and any visitors. My little sister always snoops in our drawers, which I find unusual, but I always laugh it off thinking if you find something you wish you hadn't you only have yourself to blame! Personally I wouldn't worry about my parents being in my room but I guess I don't have a history of privacy issues with my mum. In all honesty I think this is one of those questions that only you can answer based on what feels right to you.

So just be honest.

"Mum, I really appreciate your help with the childcare and doing some extras around the house to help us out, but Jack and I would prefer if you didn't go into our bedroom as that's our private space". No further discussion needed really.

Haha, you'd think that was just a joke, but my FIL used to do unrequested DIY in our house whilst MIL was looking after our son. Drove me crazy!

We used to leave really early for work so my mum would come to us to look after the kids and would make all the beds for us, it was a god send! Would literally have no issue with my mum being in my bedroom, ITS MY MUM!

Why don’t you and partner move out, OP? @Gummybearmum