To not want my parents to go in my bedroom (I'm 33 yrs old)

[Gummybearmum]

My parents have started looking after my 1 year old son one day a week so I can work. Both times they've been into mine and my partners bedroom. First time they said my baby crawled into there, so they went to get him out. Second time there was a little pile of clean laundry on our bed, when I came home mum had ironed it. I thanked her, as I know she's only trying to help, but she shouldn't have even known it was there. My partner really doesn't like it, he says it's our personal space. I agree but have no idea how to say to them..

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP! I am shocked at the poll result, currently 50-50.

I share your concern and would not want ANYONE in my personal space when at my home, whether that is our bedroom or my office. A boundary is a boundary no matter what the situation. This is why I have never trusted anyone to be alone in our home without us. My Mum was also a snooper and I will not even let her feed the cats while we are away, for this very reason. She snooped often when I was a kid, so she has never been given the opportunity to do so since.

If I was in your situation, I would consider putting a lock on the door. Sends a simple message. If it gives mummy the snots then that can only be because she wants to snoop. You and your partner need to accept that mummy has laid on yourbed, gone thru your drawers and located your sex toys (a locked box could help in future). She knows far more than you would like her to, I assure you. Hopefully she hasn't experimented with any of them, lol. Sorry OP!

When our little one was little, it was either they stay at Grandma's house or go to daycare. There was never an option of looking after them in our home alone.

I'm not misinterpreting. Example comments before OP had mentioned her mum's history of not respecting boundaries:

If you are that fussed pay for childcare and contain your mother to the ground floor.

Put your son into childcare then? Honestly the batshit nonsensical rules pejole try to enforce upon their own parents offering free childcare is wild.

Don't you hate it when the free childcare and housekeeping services think they have the run of the place?

There's we plenty of similar comments since and we know not everyone RTFT.

I can't quite work out if it's driven by parents who are jealous that they don't get the same support from their parents/in-laws or grandparents who are projecting because their children/in-laws have imposed similar boundaries.

It's OK to have reasonable boundaries when inviting people into your home (unpaid or otherwise). Not coming into your bedroom is a reasonable boundary which can be understood by most people.

Well your mum sounds a bit controlling and nosey and it affected you when you were young so I can understand why you might feel that way now.

You have to weigh up whether you want her to look after your child in these circumstances, have the benefit of them bonding with your parents (no privacy issues at this stage) or whether you would prefer to pay for childcare and keep her at arms length.

What you cannot easily do is have her look after your child but feel uncomfortable/make her feel uncomfortable about being in your space because that will just cause you all tensions and stress.

I regularly look after my grandson in his own home and wouldn't dream of going into any bedroom but his unless invited. I doubt if my daughter would care either way but my son-in-law might.
Mind you, I wouldn't dream of doing their ironing either.

You have to set your own boundaries of course.

It's nice that they did the ironing though. If your mum likes doing it then maybe leave it downstairs and put a lock on the bedroom door, so they don't have a reason or an opportunity to ferret about in your room. It seems that a good compromise could be reached without causing offence.

I’d just leave a load of sex toys on the bed

I agree it takes an astute & emotionally intelligent person to tease out the real reasons for the upset which is exactly what happened when posters suggested she was being entitled etc. Perhaps they are the emotionally intelligent & astute people given the OP was eventually moved to share the bigger picture.

Absolutely agree with you, however it may work. some parents may provide free childcare but it isn’t emotionally free.

My Parents insisted on providing one or two days childcare for my son when he was preschool, even though I had childcare arranged. It wasn’t convenient, it was a 45 minute round trip to their house before work and after work, just so they could tell their friends (and me) how wonderful they were. When he went to school they insisted on one day a week picking him up from school and taking him to our house even though the childminder we used lived on our road. They’d get cross if I put him in holiday club as ‘they couldn’t see him and it was their turn’

They would never provide other babysitting or childcare as they ‘did so much for me’ in the week. Even now my mother likes to tell me how wonderful she was. If I asked to visit on a weekend they were ‘Busy with their social life’

I May have had some ‘free’ childcare bar the extra petrol, but it was definitely emotionally expensive.

what I’m trying to say is free childcare isn’t always at the posters request or what they wanted / needed.

Do you think this comment was asute and emotionally intelligent?

Put your son into childcare then?
honestly the batshit nonsensical rules pejole try to enforce upon their own parents offering free childcare is wild.

Well maybe a few posters have that strange attitude.

its quite simple as far as I can see. A parent who has no respect for boundaries and has breached them in quite an abusive way is not one Id want looking after my precious children. it always surprises me when people on here use their relative for free childcare but then complain about them. If it’s a minor irritation thing then yes, you should suck it up if you want a freebie. when its a serious thing like this- snooping through adult daughter’s room, and with a history of opening and reading her post - wtaf are you doing still letting her come and provide childcare?

Yes and they're the posters I'm referring to.

I agree that given the history here OP should seriously consider alternative childcare, as I don't think her mum can be trusted not to invade her privacy. I'm sure this is already on OP's mind but I would also be concerned about my children's privacy as they grow up.

it always surprises me when people on here use their relative for free childcare but then complain about them.

Most grandparents I know who provide childcare do so without any expectations of financial reimbursement - it's only on MN that I see the term 'free childcare' used as the general term for what is essentially grandparents providing childcare. It's also only on Mumsnet that I see that lack of financial reimbursement as a reason to accept unacceptable behaviour.

I have never had the benefit of parents or in laws to help with my kids. As a disabled mum to kids with sen I have been shocked over and over at how my friends treat the grandparents who enable them to work, go on weekends away and keep their houses immaculate and cook dinner etc while they do it.
People’s levels of entitlement is shocking sometimes

Spoilt because she has some help with childcare from family? What on earth...😂😂😂😂😂

If someone did my ironing for me, folded it and put it on my bed I think I would faint with happiness. Your mum loves you and she has done something that she naturally thought would help you. It does not sound as if she is snooping around

If you are really bothered, then just thank her ask her not to check the rooms and do your ironing. In future. She's your mother, you should be able to phrase the request in a way not to cause offence.
Personally, I'd not have a problem, especially if I'd be getting free child care. But it's your home and of you aren't comfortable, then you need to have that conversation.

Sorry OP, just read all your updates which puts things in a very different light. Guess I just related your experience to how things were when my lovely mum used to help me out when my child was little. She did my ironing for me but we had no back story of lack of privacy and no boundaries. So once again I apologise for jumping in without reading all your posts

I wouldn't like it especially as the OP has grown up with a mother who snoops. It was an extremely rare occurence for my MIL to babysit and then it was for very short length of times.

She once sat with my boys for about an hour while I attended an appointment, she had been snooping in my bedroom because she saw a bill and next time she saw DH she mentioned the bill, the only way she'd have known about the bill was from snooping.

She didn't even have the excuse of doing housework or laundry not that I'd have wanted her to.

Hi OP’s mum!

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. You don’t have to be hiding something or think they’re awful people to want some boundaries/privacy. You decide what you’re ok with in your own home, there’s nothing wrong with that. If it makes you, or your partner, uncomfortable you are allowed to speak up. Just because a family member is doing something nice doesn’t mean you have to like everything they do. I would just say something casually to her and it shouldn’t be a big deal, I wouldn’t think twice if I was looking after family/friends kids and they told me the bedroom was off limits.

My mum used to walk into the bathroom when I was on the loo. The shut door should have been a sign.
OP it’s not just your room is it? It’s also your DH’s
Has he said anything?
I'd be inclined to leave out some handcuffs (other toys are available) or similar.
Plus ‘keep out’ notes in the drawers.

Nope, just one of the early readers before the massive drip feed(s).

Your post now makes sense. I would make sure that anything I didn't her to see was locked away.

You are either going to have to put a lock on your bedroom door or make alternative childcare arrangements. Can your DC not go to their house rather than them babysitting at yours?

OP, it sounds like your mother didn't respect your privacy as a child/teen/or young adult, and now that you are full-blown married adult and mother, she still doesn't. She has a history of snooping, opening your mail, combing through your childhood bedroom, and her behaviour hasn't changed now that you have a home of your own. She doesn't see you as an adult but rather as a possession, and she feels entitled to do as she pleases, in your home, with no regard to you or your husband. This isn't just your bedroom now, it's also your husband's, and I can imagine you'd be pretty upset if your MIL was repeatedly letting herself into your closed-door bedroom when you weren't home.

Your parents clearly need very firm boundaries and based on everything you have written, it seems like they won't be very willing to respect them. Until they are willing to see you as an adult and respect boundaries, then I would limit their time alone in your home.

I grew up with parents similar to what you are describing, however, I have long since stopped making excuses for their behaviour. Your parents are grown adults, regardless of their childhood circumstances.

This is an interesting way to think about it

OP is entitled now? Fucking ridiculous