DH tells me off publicly when I interrupt him while he's on the phone and I hate it - AIBU?

[Zeemie22]

My DH (44) tells me (36) off and doesn't hold back around friends or family if I interject while he's on a call, even if it is with a casual friend or one of his brothers or his mum or whoever else, not just business calls which I almost never interrupt. It makes me feel disrespected, like I'm small and I'm not allowed to be a part of that conversation even if it's his brother on the phone making plans for everyone getting together for a family lunch and me saying hey how about that XYZ place we went to. I said it thrice because DH ignored me the first two times. The third time he snapped at me and yelled that I have no manners and that I am interrupting him again and again while he's on a call. He was on a call with his brother. I'm his wife and I was to attend that lunch too as a guest at the restaurant my husband and my in laws were hosting.

Also, when I went to the restaurant there was a menu on the table and I picked it up and said can I order this - it was something grilled. He said no it is going to take a long time and they've already ordered and the food is going to come any minute. Well it took a good 20 minutes before the food arrived and I was only wanting a plate of mince grilled kebabs that I'm sure wouldn't have taken any longer than 20 minutes, and even if it did I wouldn't have had an issue waiting. And when he said no you can't order it, my MIL started laughing and I felt super embarassed. I felt insulted. I didn't want to to eat that table after that and my husband kept forcing me to eat when I had lost my appetite and started saying loud enough for others to hear well if you want a fight we will have a fight but not here, at home.

I felt insulted and belittled. Twice in a day.

Am I overthinking this? AIBU? What would you do if you were in my shoes? How would you have reacted?

Just seen your update. You need to find the strength and means to leave him.

yes that's the thing - he interrupts me sometimes with input or a comment when I'm on the phone and I honesty don't mind.

Yes OP. You are being treated terribly by your husband. No-one should be spoken to in this way by their partner.

This thread is not nice, with some horrible posters.

The way i understand it is that the OP is being excluded when decisions that she is a party too are being made. Interjecting into calls is not ideal. When someone doesn't want your input anyway, then interrupting them on the phone will only piss them off.

But this is the problem. It sounds like you are not treated like an equal in your marriage. It also sounds like a cultural thing, with the in-laws and extended family meetings.

This is beyond the scope of MN "advice", (when posters call you a child instead of support...sorry I don't want you to feel bad, just they really get my goat).

Sorry I can't give you practical advice OP. But I hear you.

There is nothing embarrassing about leaving an abusive husband

Make plans

See a solicitor

Find a rental for the time being

Don't tell him

Move when he's out

Is this a reverse?

Of course you don't chime into someone else's phone call. The fact he let it pass twice on one call and you went back for a third go is staggering.

I'm assuming this is a reverse so the person doing the interrupting calls is bang out of order.

If the interupting person ceases to ever join in the other person's call and the interruptee still continues with the telling off then report back with that which is a separate issue IMHO.

Thank you 🩷

He would have told the waiter no

What the hell?! Are there cultural issues at play here, OP? As I don’t understand why this man has this level of control over you.

The phone thing - you are being very annoying and I'm not surprised he tells you off. The restaurant - storm in a tea cup - but the 'i get in the face every few months ' - not acceptable on any level. Leave him - soon.

It’s not embarrassing.

Please contact WomensAid. This is no way to live. The next time he’s violent towards you he could kill you.

Girl, start planning your escape secretly, save enough money for deposit or borrow it from family/friends/bank and just leave. He will try and make you stay and sabotage you.
Don't waste anymore of YOUR LIFE with him. You're 36 that's still young and enough time to start over. You dont want to be there at 42/44!! Good Luck!!

Humiliated, forced to eat is written in the first post. Then it gets worse. If you can’t see that this is someone being controlled at the very least then I suggest you read them all again, as it is clear from the first post something is very off.

Please contact Women's Aid. Immediately. You are not thinking straight as the most pertinent information is that he hits you, polices your clothes and controls your finances.

Do not get pregnant.

Make plans to leave urgently.

@CaptainFuture you need to read the OPS updates, he’s an abusive controlling bully

OK, I voted YABU based on the interrupting his calls, and on you wanting a special dish when everyone else was sharing and it was somebody else's treat. But then you casually dropped in that he hits you in the face every 3 months?! Bloody hell, missing out on your shish kebab is the least of your worries OP. You need to get out of there. Does anyone IRL know that he hits you?

Forget the phone calls. You are in an abusive relationship. I agree with PP that you need to make plans to leave. You (thankfully) don't have DC with this horrible man and you currently have independence.

Run, don't walk, OP. It will get worse.

This is terrible @Zeemie22. You need to leave this violent man.

Am I right in thinking that there is perhaps another culture in play here?

Where are your family? Would there be problems if you left this man?

Why do you tolerate this?

If you read all of the OP’s posts you’ll see she has stated her husband hits her, stops her from going to the gym and controls what clothing she wears.

I feel like Mumsnet should add a warning or something for posters to read OPs updates before posting their snipey comments 🤦🏼‍♀️

Oh, sweet Jesus. OP, why on earth did you make a post about nonsense like being told off for interrupting him on the phone when you are being verbally and PHYSICALLY abused by this man?! To the extent the police have been called? Why are you still with him?

You are not a child looking for attention so just wait till finished

my husband kept forcing me to eat when I had lost my appetite and started saying loud enough for others to hear well if you want a fight we will have a fight but not here, at home.

^ That is demeaning and very much treating you like a naughty child a “wait til we get home you’re going to get such a telling off”. I wouldn’t speak to my husband like that and vice versa. We would both be very uncomfortable if we witnessed someone we were socialising with speak to their OH like that.

The phone thing, I guess it depends on the context, I might interpret my husband to say I’m just popping out with/without the kids or something but I wouldn’t attempt an entire conversation with him while he’s talking to someone else. I couldn’t manage if someone did that while I was on the phone and would get flustered and crabby.

ETA just read your updates. I did get a general sense he was at the very least using coercive control, but you mention he’s violent to you too. You know you need to get out, there are organisations who can help you, please don’t be embarrassed. Easier said than done but you’ve done nothing to be embarrassed about. In the meantime I hope you’re using contraception- you will be so much more vulnerable if you get pregnant by this man.

Oh no, no, no darling girl. This is not ok.

You are an educated woman, can you envisage a life without this abuse?

That's your starting point, after that it's a step by step process.

You say complicated and embarrassing but lovely, people can die from embarrassment.

This is not a life you should want nor settle for.

What kind of support do you think would help?

My 8 year old has learnt to not interrupt me when I’m talking on the phone. If you keep doing it then no wonder he’s starting to lose his shit.

I want to. But it's really complicated. And super embarassing
There's absolutely nothing embarrassing at all. Please don't think that.