DH tells me off publicly when I interrupt him while he's on the phone and I hate it - AIBU?

[Zeemie22]

My DH (44) tells me (36) off and doesn't hold back around friends or family if I interject while he's on a call, even if it is with a casual friend or one of his brothers or his mum or whoever else, not just business calls which I almost never interrupt. It makes me feel disrespected, like I'm small and I'm not allowed to be a part of that conversation even if it's his brother on the phone making plans for everyone getting together for a family lunch and me saying hey how about that XYZ place we went to. I said it thrice because DH ignored me the first two times. The third time he snapped at me and yelled that I have no manners and that I am interrupting him again and again while he's on a call. He was on a call with his brother. I'm his wife and I was to attend that lunch too as a guest at the restaurant my husband and my in laws were hosting.

Also, when I went to the restaurant there was a menu on the table and I picked it up and said can I order this - it was something grilled. He said no it is going to take a long time and they've already ordered and the food is going to come any minute. Well it took a good 20 minutes before the food arrived and I was only wanting a plate of mince grilled kebabs that I'm sure wouldn't have taken any longer than 20 minutes, and even if it did I wouldn't have had an issue waiting. And when he said no you can't order it, my MIL started laughing and I felt super embarassed. I felt insulted. I didn't want to to eat that table after that and my husband kept forcing me to eat when I had lost my appetite and started saying loud enough for others to hear well if you want a fight we will have a fight but not here, at home.

I felt insulted and belittled. Twice in a day.

Am I overthinking this? AIBU? What would you do if you were in my shoes? How would you have reacted?

Interrupting is rude, but he is a controlling bully.

I've been wanting to join a gym for the last 6 months and he keeps saying he doesn't approve because 'how would I manage relationships and home if I were to go to the gym'. I've become overweight and I feel pretty unfit and he doesn't want me to go workout in a public gym. Two days ago I just left the house and said I'm going anyway and he hounded me for wearing gym leggings and a regular but not super loose workout t shirt with half sleeves - he said my clothes are too tight etc etc.

He is an abusive, controlling piece of shit.

You deserve better. So much better.

Do you have any desires to leave him?

I’m wondering if a difference in age has anything to do with these sorts of relationships. I’ve read a fair few thread similar-ish to this where partner almost infantilises their DP as they feel they have to run things past them re purchases or they’re overly controlling/temperamental. I sometimes wonder if there wasn’t such an age gap they’d have more respect for their partner because possibly they wouldn’t test boundaries so hard with someone their own age who could also be likely to put them in their place than someone almost a decade younger. I dunno, I just find it interesting and wonder how many younger women possibly attracted by the security and wealth of an older man end up having to ‘pay’ for it by forever being perceived as the ‘young dumb’ one of the relationship. Something that started off as a trophy wife ends up in neither eventually being happy. I could be utterly wrong of course, but I do find it interesting whether there’s any trends in relationships like these.

I get hit in the face every 3 months more or less. He shouts, starts swearing and cussing at me and then hits me as a last resort. Police have been called at least twice by now in the last 7 years. I hate being controlled and try my best to hold my ground which infuriates him I think.

Do you think your post should have focussed more on these things?

Well if you'd said that instead of wittering on about phone calls, you would've got very different replies.
This one is easy - leave him.

it was pretty clear from the start the OP was being controlled and treated poorly; and people just wanted to focus on her interrupting him.

OP, get out before he kills you.

I actually make more money than him, I doing a PhD in Biology and I hold a stable full time job since the last 10 years, I am well travelled and I have a lot of life experience I think. I'm not a trophy wife. I've paid for myself most times and even him. I don't get any handouts from anybody. He's self employed and says he can't work under anyone, he makes money but just enough to cover rent which he always complains about and in lieu of paying rent expects me to do all house chores, won't even make his own breakfast. I pay for all the bills except rent + half groceries.

OP, why are you still with this swine?

Absolutely, are there children in this relationship? Why on earth are you staying and why hasn't he been arrested and charged?

So why have you not left? Why are you still with him?

No it wasn't. But now it has rather than your virtue signalling against other posters... any constructive advice?

I want to. But it's really complicated. And super embarassing.

Oh @Zeemie22

You are the victim of domestic violence and control. Do you see that?

Do you think you can get support to leave?

i’ve given my advice, leave him. But it was clear long before the OP said he hit her, very clear that she was being controlled.

We don't have children and every month I feel relieved when I get my period. He desperately wants kids with me, I think he knows I might leave him.

Ah, that makes sense now. So, for the sake of expediency, they ordered lots of dishes for everyone to share. Then you decided you wanted something just for yourself after all those dishes were ordered…

I can see why that might be irritating when everyone else is happily going along with the group order. Presumably as it was lunchtime there was a time restraint too. But your DH didn't need humiliate you.

Christ Almighty that's some drip feed!

This is not a good relationship @Zeemie22, you need to get out!

Do you have anyone in real life to confide in? Or would you be prepared to contact Women’s Aid?

In reality, the only person who can change things is you. This is who he is and he won’t change - he will just get worse.

Do you really want to accept this for the rest of your life?

@Zeemie22

I am sorry you have been beaten / physically abused by your partner. It is not ok under any circumstances.

I suggest you contact Women’s Aid who can support and if you wish help you to make plans to leave the relationship so you can live free of abuse.

The interrupting calls is a red herring. Your relationship is abusive and you are unsafe.

I would seek legal advice for a restraining order due to domestic abuse and have him served at work so you can be safe in your home.

You earn good money - you can come through this and thrive.

Forgive me if this has been covered but what is your cultural background if I may ask? Is this playing into what you describe as complexity impacting your ability to leave?
Also - yes you need to get out of this marriage ASAP and it sounds like financially you absolutely have the means to do so and land on your feet

It is rude to interrupt when someone is on a call.
In relation to the food, why are you asking permission to order certain foods. You are a grown woman who doesn't need permission to order what she wants.

So obviously an intelligent and capable person- which makes it even harder to understand why you’re staying with a bullying man with a history of violence against you. You’re so young with what sounds a good career with further growth, please prioritise yourself and all that youve worked for and get away from your oppressor.

Where? Op spoke about interrupting phone calls, set meals being ordered and wanting to order different food, nothing to indicate abuse.