DH tells me off publicly when I interrupt him while he's on the phone and I hate it - AIBU?

[Zeemie22]

My DH (44) tells me (36) off and doesn't hold back around friends or family if I interject while he's on a call, even if it is with a casual friend or one of his brothers or his mum or whoever else, not just business calls which I almost never interrupt. It makes me feel disrespected, like I'm small and I'm not allowed to be a part of that conversation even if it's his brother on the phone making plans for everyone getting together for a family lunch and me saying hey how about that XYZ place we went to. I said it thrice because DH ignored me the first two times. The third time he snapped at me and yelled that I have no manners and that I am interrupting him again and again while he's on a call. He was on a call with his brother. I'm his wife and I was to attend that lunch too as a guest at the restaurant my husband and my in laws were hosting.

Also, when I went to the restaurant there was a menu on the table and I picked it up and said can I order this - it was something grilled. He said no it is going to take a long time and they've already ordered and the food is going to come any minute. Well it took a good 20 minutes before the food arrived and I was only wanting a plate of mince grilled kebabs that I'm sure wouldn't have taken any longer than 20 minutes, and even if it did I wouldn't have had an issue waiting. And when he said no you can't order it, my MIL started laughing and I felt super embarassed. I felt insulted. I didn't want to to eat that table after that and my husband kept forcing me to eat when I had lost my appetite and started saying loud enough for others to hear well if you want a fight we will have a fight but not here, at home.

I felt insulted and belittled. Twice in a day.

Am I overthinking this? AIBU? What would you do if you were in my shoes? How would you have reacted?

OP. I am worried when you say you try hard to fight back so that it doesn't become the norm.
He is a violent man. This could provoke him to more violence.

The very very best way to fight back is to accept the help already offered by your employers and leave

Hi op sorry your going through this is this behaviour something you would have if you were in Pakistan? I’m not being rude just thinking he treats you badly because that how it is in within your culture. It’s no excuse for hitting you do you have your own bank account because if you don’t this is the first thing I would do get your wages paid into just your name then transfer a set amount then the rest is yours to do what you like. Op he is a arrogant pig by the way if you can’t leave maybe start taking back more control and when he shouts at you or says no say I’m not taking orders from a man and if you even think about hitting me I will get you arrested definitely don’t have children with him use as much contraception as you possible can. Also leave him to it with the phone call then if he does it to you say stop being rude I don’t do it you there’s not one rule for you and another for me. He’s treating you so disrespectful.

Look at the date.

This is still going on. OP doesn't seem to have moved on or moved out

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5441510-exhausted-and-dont-know-where-to-go?reply=148478577

Forcing you to eat? How? What happens if you tell him to get knotted? Are you scared of him? Why are you letting him tell you what you're "allowed" to do? If he's abusive, leave. If he's not, tell him "I'll order what I want, you bossy git", and do so. Ick.

I just found your post @Zeemie22 .I hope you're doing ok 💐💐💐

How are you doing @Zeemie22

I have read your posts OP and among the many things that I could comment, I really want to say this: once you shed this deadweight of a husband, your ROI for the effort of living your life will go through the roof. He is the problem, not you. Loneliness is daunting for sure but the irony here is that you are very probably the loneliest you will ever be.

Thank you for your message and for taking the time to go through this post. I am trying to focus on myself and center myself, my job, my studies and my hobbies and welbeing for now and already my stress levels have decreased day to day as per my wrist tracker. It has been two months since I haven't seen his face or heard his voice. It's quite peaceful.

I'm doing okay, thank you for asking 💗
I spent the weekend at the library, we have two quite local to me and I later went for a dance class on Valentine's Day in the evening and then a dinner with my brother in law who I'm quite close to, he struggles with similar issues subjected by his family and we can relate to each other's struggles and vent which sometimes feels nice.

I hope you're good and had a nice weekend? x

Might be repeating others here, haven't read all the answers.
First, OP, you are amazing. Academically strong (despite what you say), great job, brilliant prospects. Don't doubt yourself.
Secondly, and this is really really important, DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN with this man. Don't pray for your period - instead, get yourself some contraception right now. Use the morning after pill if you need to. But don't bring a child into the mix as that'll mean you're tied forever to this man.
Print off the kind responses on here and put them in your locker to read when you need a hug.
Spend time getting to know new people, colleagues, etc. Make connections so your support network is in place. And leave as soon as you possibly can.
Better to be single than punched.
💐

We haven't been intimate since April last year. I don't think it will ever happen again between the two of us. To be honest posting here has helped me loads. I once posted about how he treated me after I ran him a bath etc and people called me a martyr. That was quite eye opening for me, I realised that was what I had been doing all this while, getting absolutely nothing in return.

So once again, I want to thank you all for being such amazing and strong women lifting others up and I appreciate all the honest feedback. He knows I won't stay - we're living sort of separate lives the best that is possible at the moment. I deserve better than this, we all do. I pay him rent and bills for the box room that I live in, I order my own food and groceries, I do not step outside if he's home or in the kitchen etc and I do nothing for him and I do not pick up after him anymore. I go to the library, the gym, walk around town in the evening sometimes, attend dance classes x3 a week which give me so much joy and continue to focus on my rest and wellbeing.

You rushed into a marriage with someone unsuitable.
It is ok to leave.
British citizenship is not worth it.
Wouldn't you be happier close to your own family and friends for love and support.

I don't really have a close knit family. That's what's kept me in this relationship longer than I should have because his family is thick as thieves, they are each others' ride or die and I get along with his dad, his brother in law and sister in law so well. The other half of the family is quite toxic. I now realise though that actually I have been paying my way to stay close to his dad, my BIL & SIL as well as neither of them have jobs and I used to pay my FIL a monthly stipend but once I stopped doing that nobody really checked on me.

Anyway my family is a whole other story. My dad only texts me when he needs money. My mum is another character, though I love her to bits no one can live with her and she is quite selfish - good for her though. My other two siblings have exited the family more or less, they don't pick up calls from my parents or me or visit and when they do it's always with their partners and when I do hangout with them it feels forced, I can not relate to them much anymore. To be fair I haven't lived with them since high school, it's been 15 years since I left home. So that sense of family bonding is long lost.

I've got no one close that I feel like I could lean on and think ah yes it's better to go to them. I also do not want to start looking for anchors of support as getaway cars to help me getaway from my current situation. This is a shitty situation and I will try and make the best of it for myself. I don't know what's next and or where next I'll go but I know I will be able to start over and that I will be okay and that I don't need anybody to make me feel okay.

Your family in Pakistan were quiet liberal in allowing you to move away since high school, 16?
That's unusual.
How did you fund this, especially as your family seems reliant on you for money?

My parents allowed all three of us to go abroad for studies. My dad wanted us to have a good education because it would inevitably help him also, it was an investment. He is retired now but has worked hard all his life to help us get the best education he could. My sister went to Netherlands for her degree, my brother went to Malaysia. But we struggled loads financially. They gave the initial funding for the first year and let us all take it from there and fund ourselves whilst studying through part time work, summer jobs, internships etc. I also worked three jobs simulatneously prior to my Masters that helped with savings.

I actually left my family home when I had graduated GCSEs because a bigger city in Pakistan had better GCE prospects. So I haven't really lived with my family since now that I think of it.

Did you contact any of the charities to help you plan to leave. As much as you are keeping yourself separate I worry for your physical safety if they think you might leave. Think you need to discuss this in IRL with someone not connected with the family.

I haven't yet, but perhaps I should. I will look to get in touch with Soul Sisters in London.

Hello again @Zeemie22 I'm so glad you're still posting.
I'm rooting for you to get away from your husband.
It took me ten years to escape from my abusive man. I had two children by then and it was very difficult.
But I managed it and so will you.
Xxx

@Zeemie22 in a conservative country like Pakistan how did you manage to live alone from 16?
Which institute did you mange to study GCSEs whilst living at home?
What part of Pakistan?
Your father must have had exceptional funds to afford for you and your sibling ls to obtain overseas education. Even if as you say was for the first year.
Yet, he is now reliant on money from you?
What year did you arrive in the UK?
How did you manage to obtain permanent residency?

You are the most amazing extraordinary young woman.
Do not hesitate to contact the police again.
He is abusive scum.
We are here for you.

This thread is a useful record for you if you go to the police.
Stay safe.
Please contact a domestic abuse charity for extra support.

When I left home at 16 I lived with a family of my father's friend for nearly a year before my father was able to get me an apartment on my own and he moved in with me then until I finished my GCEs. The rest of the family stayed back in my hometown. I was probably 14 when I had started doing my own shopping for my clothes etc myself. I was quite independent from an early age and something my father actively encouraged for all of us.

We didn't really have exceptional funds. It was awfully hard getting money together to fund for a year's worth of tuition. We had to practically beg for money from those who had a bit more in the family. My mum asked her sisters. My brother asked his friends. I asked my friends. I had to ask my cat's vet for £2000 at the time haha. He was very sweet and helped me, I gave him back the money before flying out.

I had to wait a couple of years after highschool to save money via a job + some funds my dad was able to provide + the rest loans and such.

For my sister she had to ask her teacher to help her with a bank statement, my dad wasn't really able to help much.

For my brother, I don't know much and just that he used to buy and sell phones and laptops in Malaysia to fund his tuition fees and accommodation etc. He once got beaten up so bad by some thieves who stole whatever he had on him during a transaction he ended up in the hospital for a few days. My sister when she went abroad she was pretty overweight, shed half her weight within a year because she didn't have any gas to cook or money to eat. We've all had our struggles.

I don't know why my father needs more money, he has enough agricultural and commercial land for himself + rental income from a few shops. Also has state pension. Rent is covered also. The only reason would be to fund his ambitious new side projects. He is a bit of a spendthrift.

I appreciate you. Thank you for your words of support. I don't think I have shared much about my story here. I've come a long way. So have my siblings, both of whom I am immensely proud of who are doing well in life and career, touchwood.

We all have a story don't we 😊

It might help to know where you're from to understand where you're coming from. It's fine if you don't get it - I'm not here for anything to be honest. Just some support.