DH tells me off publicly when I interrupt him while he's on the phone and I hate it - AIBU?

[Zeemie22]

My DH (44) tells me (36) off and doesn't hold back around friends or family if I interject while he's on a call, even if it is with a casual friend or one of his brothers or his mum or whoever else, not just business calls which I almost never interrupt. It makes me feel disrespected, like I'm small and I'm not allowed to be a part of that conversation even if it's his brother on the phone making plans for everyone getting together for a family lunch and me saying hey how about that XYZ place we went to. I said it thrice because DH ignored me the first two times. The third time he snapped at me and yelled that I have no manners and that I am interrupting him again and again while he's on a call. He was on a call with his brother. I'm his wife and I was to attend that lunch too as a guest at the restaurant my husband and my in laws were hosting.

Also, when I went to the restaurant there was a menu on the table and I picked it up and said can I order this - it was something grilled. He said no it is going to take a long time and they've already ordered and the food is going to come any minute. Well it took a good 20 minutes before the food arrived and I was only wanting a plate of mince grilled kebabs that I'm sure wouldn't have taken any longer than 20 minutes, and even if it did I wouldn't have had an issue waiting. And when he said no you can't order it, my MIL started laughing and I felt super embarassed. I felt insulted. I didn't want to to eat that table after that and my husband kept forcing me to eat when I had lost my appetite and started saying loud enough for others to hear well if you want a fight we will have a fight but not here, at home.

I felt insulted and belittled. Twice in a day.

Am I overthinking this? AIBU? What would you do if you were in my shoes? How would you have reacted?

OP, I think you realise this is not a good relationship and you need to leave him, but you feel overwhelmed.

Work towards leaving him, but be careful so he doesn't get wind of you planning to leave him. And be really careful with contraception, especially as you say he wants children. Getting out of this relationship without kids will make your life much easier.

Ffs just read the updates.

You need to leave.

And fwiw it was obvious from the first post that your husband is abusive and controlling. I'm not sure why people missed it and were getting at you and trying to make out that he was justified.

Yes, interrupting and wanting to order different food might be annoying in certain circumstances. But his reactions to you - and the contempt he showed - were clearly not normal, acceptable responses.

Contempt. He treats you with contempt. He does not think your opinions, views and preferences are worth considering. He belittles you in front of his family, controls you and abuses you physically, emotionally and financially.

Issues around interrupting phone calls and choosing your own food pale into insignificance at the side of your later posts.

Your so called "D"H is a violent, controlling abusive arsehole.

You need to get out of this marriage ASAP and for God's sake make sure your contraception is watertight.

Contact Women's Aid or the National Domestic Abuse Helpline. They will help you to leave safely.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

You are in an abusive relationship and you need to find a way to leave. You have your own money, use it. He hits you, cusses at you, disrespects you, controls you and does not allow you to do what you want. He doesn’t love you. This is not normal. Please speak to someone, get some help.

www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

I know how hard it is to leave an abusive relationship. This isn't going to get better. Adding kids to the mix will make things 100 times worse. He is controlling. He tells you where you can go, what you can wear and how you cam spe d your own money. He disrespect you and belittles you. He gets a kick out of abusing you in public because it makes him feel like the big man. He physically assaults you. This isn't love. You need to leave him for your own wellbeing.

Yes that's what I was trying to do - just be included. Or expecting for my husband to give my opinion a listen as well. He was already listening to what his brother was suggesting. It's always his brother and his mum - their opinions are a priority over mine where I am also affected and he treats me quite harshly around them, less so in private, it's almost as if he needs to show them he's in control. He does that to his brothers too. He was super abusive towards his younger brother the other day when he asked a simple question about Amazon deliveries and belittled him saying don't you know how that works, how stupid of you etc etc. They take it on the chin. I don't and call him out and tell him to stop which he doesn't like. He says well have you had a look around and seen how husbands treat their wives in our culture? You should feel blessed you have me.

And he has also said might as well take it from one person (him) than the entire world.

Hi there,
We're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Domestic Violence page. Domestic violence support | Webguide and contact details
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

Read the fucking thread. Read the OP’s posts.

JFC.

@Zeemie22 I hope you don’t mind but I’m going to report your thread to MNHQ - hopefully they can send you some links to Domestic Abuse advice and move the thread on to a different board away from AIBU - because you’re going to get all sorts of horrible comments from people who haven’t read your updates.

Op please get out of this relationship with this controlling man. You sound very intelligent and there’s no kids involved, so please make plans and go. Do not get pregnant to this man!!! You won’t be able to escape him then!! Pls get out asap

Fucking hell OP, I could tell by the tone of your posts it would be bad, but not this bad. You are in an abusive, violent marriage. Why are you staying? Any kids?

I suggest you start a new thread asking for advice about your real situation and how to get help and support. Many posters won’t read your updates and you’ll still get snippy comments about interrupting him “sometimes “.

You deserve better than this. You ARE better than this.

Sorry I have edited what I originally said as I didn’t see your updates. I’m so sorry.

I voted YABU until I read the thread.

He hits you? This will all get so so so much worse - the violence, the emotional abuse, the belittlement - if you have kids with him. Please leave xxx

I'm so sorry OP, I didn't read the whole thread and albeit in a 'normal' relationship, being interrupted is rude and annoying, what you are actually experiencing is part of an abusive relationship and you need to leave him.

The phone, I completely understand where your DH is coming from, I find it really stressful when someone tries to talk to me when I'm on the phone, having 2 people talk to me at once is really difficult. He's already made it clear he can't manage a conversation with you whilst he is on the phone so continuing to do so and repeatedly asking the same question would be infuriating. Some people manage to talk to one person on the phone and another in person at the same time fine, some cant.
The restaurant situation is awful, of I witnessed that interaction I'd be really alarmed. For his mum to laugh makes me wonder if he is from an abusive family. If my DS ever spoke to his partner like that in front of me I would be confronting him there and then. I don't see how anyone could find that level of disrespect and control funny.

I think you need to leave this violent controlling man OP. You don't have children and you're fully able to support yourself - these are both facts in your favour. Why is it complicated and super embarrassing?

If I were you I would start by contacting Women's Aid or a local domestic violence charity. They can help you make a plan to leave safely. For your own mental wellbeing and to live a peaceful life, you need to leave him.

As have stated updates give new info. But the sanctimonious posters who are berating others for their posts prior to the abusive info are just ridiculous, and seem more focused on telling others off, than actually being helpful.

Please always read the updates before you post. It’s important here. I always double check.

He hits her. It’s a totally different thread to what comes across in the OP.

Yeah a young child who’s being HIT by her husband!

Shame on you.

Was this an arranged marriage? Your marriage isn’t a marriage, he doesn’t like you, treats you like a child and abuses you . Why are you staying with him? Divorce him.

I get infuriated if someone is trying to talk to me while I'm talking to someone else, either in person or on the phone. It's rude and distracting. There's no need.

If I feel like I want someone else's opinion, I'll ask for it, e.g. hang on, I'll just ask xx if he want to go, or hang on, xx is trying to talk to me but that one very rarely as it's still rude.
However, it does sound like your DH has form for putting you down but what came first, chicken or the egg? Has your behaviour made him like that? Does he make decisions for you all the time?
I'd seriously question the relationship tbh. Not a lot of love and respect from either of you.

How absolutely DARE HE use the line 'just look at how husbands treat their wives, you are lucky' (sorry exact phrasing might be wrong)!!!! I am so incensed on your behalf. And if it's a culture where the standard line is 'what will people say?' - who gives a flying f* frankly. This is no life. Have you got ANYONE you can speak about re this in real life? Anyone at all? Parents, sibling, friend?