DH tells me off publicly when I interrupt him while he's on the phone and I hate it - AIBU?

[Zeemie22]

My DH (44) tells me (36) off and doesn't hold back around friends or family if I interject while he's on a call, even if it is with a casual friend or one of his brothers or his mum or whoever else, not just business calls which I almost never interrupt. It makes me feel disrespected, like I'm small and I'm not allowed to be a part of that conversation even if it's his brother on the phone making plans for everyone getting together for a family lunch and me saying hey how about that XYZ place we went to. I said it thrice because DH ignored me the first two times. The third time he snapped at me and yelled that I have no manners and that I am interrupting him again and again while he's on a call. He was on a call with his brother. I'm his wife and I was to attend that lunch too as a guest at the restaurant my husband and my in laws were hosting.

Also, when I went to the restaurant there was a menu on the table and I picked it up and said can I order this - it was something grilled. He said no it is going to take a long time and they've already ordered and the food is going to come any minute. Well it took a good 20 minutes before the food arrived and I was only wanting a plate of mince grilled kebabs that I'm sure wouldn't have taken any longer than 20 minutes, and even if it did I wouldn't have had an issue waiting. And when he said no you can't order it, my MIL started laughing and I felt super embarassed. I felt insulted. I didn't want to to eat that table after that and my husband kept forcing me to eat when I had lost my appetite and started saying loud enough for others to hear well if you want a fight we will have a fight but not here, at home.

I felt insulted and belittled. Twice in a day.

Am I overthinking this? AIBU? What would you do if you were in my shoes? How would you have reacted?

Christ, your therapist is all kinds of unprofessional

Tell your boss you need to escape. Make it happen now.

You need to get out first. You need legal advice a very close second. It's a lot more worth it to you than therapy just now

If you are on a spouse visa there may be relief for you as a victim of domestic violence at the hands of your sponsor, but a lawyer will tell you what avenues are available to you

Well I don't imagine that they will be punching you in the face.

If in doubt that a situation requires just decide upon a suitable source and ring and say 'I need help'

I've deployed it twice now and people do respond not always professionals.

OP I'm so sad for you, you cannot go on, you need help and to be your own saviour now! You CAN do this please come on and get away! Follow the advice as to how, but PLEASE escape 🙏

Hello Zeemie22, I have been thinking about you all day. I have read your updates. Your husband isn't being nice to you now, he's deliberately trying to confuse you with his changeable behaviour. Ultimately, he is trying to control you and gaslight you with his mixed signals. Are you living with him and his family in London? Do you ever travel to Bristol? I think your employers probably know more than you think they do. I think they are offering you a way out without spelling it out to you. Please do not think about pride. It's not about pride, it's about survival. Having a baby will be yet one more - and final - way for your husband to control you. Please make plans to leave asap.

Yes. I think they should know actually as it could also affect them in the sense that OP is a valued member of their team and they would not want to lose her. So, it may be time to go to them and get their practical support. If I were the boss, I would want to know on a professional level so that I can get organised and put measures in place to safeguard OP's status and her place within the company. It's not a good idea to keep it from them now. They have offered. It would be essential for OP to put a plan in place with them.

I’ve just read your updates. Your husband is a monster and so is his mother.

Please leave him, soon. You have a bright future ahead of you. You have everything going for you. Your miserable worm of a husband doesn’t deserve a second of your company.

He waited for an hour in the car today and insisted he will drop me at the gym - I told him I'm not done with work just yet and will be going myself later but he insisted he'll wait and we will go together. He was opening doors for me today as well at the gym, he usually doesn't care about that sort of thing even though he walks in front of me, always. On my way back I said could you drop me at Tesco's - he had to leave for a boy's night out. He said he'll wait for me and drop me home once I'm done and he did. So you do these nice things for me but when I'm normal with you and have my guard down, you start controlling me again and disrespecting me in private and public and then you don't hold back even for a second on the misogyny? @Zeemie22 I don't think those things are necessarily 'being nice' it seems very controlling to me. In themselves they could be nice, kind actions but in the context of everything you have said it sounds very controlling.

OP remember you can now buy contraception over the counter! You can walk into a Boots or order online. Could a friend order it for you and have it posted to their house?

OP may do better to have the injectable contraception as if her DH goes through her stuff he could find any pills.

Maybe OP could suggest she needs a GP appointment for cystitis or something. Does your 'D'H insist on attending appointments with you OP?

Yes he does, one time my GP had to ask him to leave so she can talk to me in private. This was not even 2 months in the marriage I think? I used to get panic attacks around his mother (or maybe him, I couldn't tell the difference) and my hands would shake because I wouldn't know from where the next insult would come from, from whom and in what shape or form and how big or small it would be. The doctor was concerned even though I had gone for a pap smear I think or something else and she asked me in private if I was OK and there was anything I wanted to share with her. I said I'm fine but she insisted and even pointedly asked if everything was OK at home. I felt like bursting into tears back then ibn 2018 but I didn't and said it's all OK. My husband was super suspicious and kept asking what was talked about.

Thanks for the suggestion and I agree - injectibles would be the way to go. He has never forced himself though, not once in 7 years. If I say I feel like you're using me, he won't even come near me for weeks and months so it's a bit confusing. There's so many things that confuse me. I have been using timing and dates to avoid pregnancy.

These last 6 months we spent in Pakistan and he made me go through 3 medicated cycles for IUIs. I was taking all sorts of extra herbal and homeopathic medication as well and if I said no to herbal/homeopathic and said I was already on allopathic/conventional medicine and I don't want to mix two treatments simultaneously, all kinds of coercive hell would break lose on me. I had to hear about it all day multiple times a day and he would accuse me of not wanting to get pregnant in the first place while I was getting all sorts of hormones injected in me for IUIs. He even hit me once on the way back in the car from the fertility clinic not even an hour after I had my IUI done because I tried to stand my ground (foolishly so) and say I don't appreciate wife jokes and second marriage jokes when he does that in front of others or in private.

I think I hate him low-key, especially when he hits me and disrespects me. But then I slip into some sort of aloofness to all my problems when he's not being abusive and I just take it day to day on those days. Not really thinking about the past, not really thinking about the future either and just being in the moment and immediate future at best. I don't even feel the sort of stability to plan a month in advance. Bags packed, mentally ready, always.

I also pity him. He gets desperate when he thinks he will lose me and becomes an entitled, insulting and controlling person when everything's going for me. I've told him so many times he should go to therapy because he does that with his younger brother and his wife also, basically anyone he provides for. His younger brother, his wife and kids don't have an income because the family dictates what they do, complicated story but the youngest brother isn't the sharpest and has had upbringing issues (spoiled, entitled but he is very sweet a sa person). The family, including my husband, has been chipping in and supporting this younger brother and his wife and kids since the beginning. In return, the family expects them to take care of their elderly and very narcissistic mother and also do whatever they say and decide and basically support all kinds of decisions the family takes. It's my husband, his mother and the older brother who take all family decisions together and in private - nobody's allowed in and it's always on a need to know basis that information is passed out.

The contraceptive injection may make your periods stop. A copper coil would prevent pregnancy but you would continue to have a normal menstrual cycle.

Dear OP.
Your posts are so concerning. The more I read, the more I think you need IMMEDIATE help. These people sound physically and emotionally dangerous.

Your Employer, The GP you saw in 2018, your therapist are all so concerned about what you are enduring.

Please stop thinking you can continue to put up with it for another 12 months to finish your thesis and go as soon as you safely can. Do you really think these abusers will actually let you finish your thesis and get your PhD if they won't let you even take a meeting?

He is clearly so jealous of your education and your success and he demonstrated that when he punched you in the face and cracked your computer screen because you had an important zoom meeting.

From what you've described,They will do everything to stop you because it would raise you up another level and might make it easier to escape them.

The constant pressure to get pregnant is concerning. They know if you are pregnant/have a child they can use that child to control you. Don't let them be in a position to do this.

You can't wait 12 months. It is not safe.

Your employer said they would get in a car and come and get you.. why don't you ask them to? That's all you have to do to get to a place of safety and help you find a solicitor to help with visa and find a way to protect yourself. You've known them for 10 years and say they are lovely.

Your therapist is distressed about your suffering.. Can't you ask them to help you get out? Ask them to find you organisations that could help. She could at the very very least report it to GP and ask them to help, reminding the GP not to let your husband know. Talks with your therapist over time is evidence that could be used to help you get assistance and may help you qualify a visa, especially with the recommendations from your kind employers.
The GP in 2018 wanted to help you but you kept telling them you are fine.(also evidence) YOU ARE NOT FINE. YOU ARE IN A VERY UNSAFE ABUSIVE SITUATION.

PRIDE
You say that pride prevented you previously from accepting help from your employers and others. Don't let pride stop you! I think you may be confusing pride with shame - that you are in this situation. But this situation is not your fault, it is the fault of the mad people inflicting this suffering on you and the shame lies with the abusers. They are criminals.

Take pride instead in your strength, your achievements, your intelligence and now take pride in the fact that there are people who care enough to help you, because they think you are a wonderful person who shouldn't be treated like this.
That is not humiliating, that is something you should be very proud of, they recognise your worth and want to save you. Take pride in having the courage to take that leap (because none of this is easy and you are already showing such courage and endurance) and then take pride in having the courage to admit you need help and accept it to free yourself forever from these horrific abusers. Then you can look back and be proud of escaping such a difficult situation and look forward to a new life.

Please start talking to people in real life now, accept the help that is offered, don't worry about donating clothes or selling electronics, all you need to finish your thesis is safety, peace and your own very intelligent brain so please don't wait 12 months.
I am praying for your safe and successful escape from this awful situation.

I don't usually comment much online, this just turned up on my feed. Its not often I would tell someone what to do with their private life but beleive me, you absolutely should not have children with this man. You will be more vulnerable - he knows this, that's why he's so desperate to have one. His behaviour will get worse and your child will suffer. Whether the damage will be he/she growing up to be like him, or being bullied and used like you are remains to be seen. Either way, it will scar your child for life. Your child will be used against you in any he can in order to get his way. The only way you will be free is to cut him off, completely no contact, which will be hard to do if you share children.

I am the product of an abusive marriage. I'm in my mid 50's and there isn't a day goes past where I don't have flashbacks. Don't get me wrong, I've done well in life, pulled myself out of poverty, built a successful business, have a different life now but things could have easily gone the other way. I've seen others like me end up in abusive relationships, addiction or even dead. You don't want to risk that for a child.

Men like your husband create havoc behind closed doors and there will never be any reasoning with them as there's no logic in their behaviour. Therapy won't help as they are incapable of taking any responsibility for their actions. They will always have an excuse for their behaviour, usually its everyone else's fault, mainly the long suffering wife. He may give the appearance of behaving himself for a while if he thinks you're going to leave, but that's always temporary.

As for hitting you, there's a common belief that its a loss of control, its not, its an extension of control. That's him failing to keep you in line verbally, therefore his twisted rationale is he 'had' to hit you to make you behave. Children may well suffer that as well. All the murder/suicides in the news follow the same pattern of behaviour, ie everyone thinks the man lost control but in reality, they didn't. Scratch the surface of all these crimes and you will find domestic abuse, years, decades of controlling behaviour. You will find men who, prior to the murder, wrapped up their affairs, made wills, moved money to relatives, left out the bins, paid their bills then calmly wiped out their famalies, it was all planned. That's not a loss of control, its the end game if people don't act like their puppets. I'm not saying that will be the path for you, these events are relatively rare on the scale of things, but one thing is for sure, your life with him will not get any better. You have said that you fear for being alone, you haven't a good network of friends. You won't while you are with him, he won't let that happen. He's gaslit you to the point you're not sure of yourself, your confidence is low and you appear to have lost your self of self. That's what he wants, years of chipping away at you is deliberate, he wants to break you and you will not be allowed to have friends that may help you back from that.

Run for the hills love, don't look back as he will never change. The road back from narcissistic abuse may be tough, but your life will be a lot better than it is now.

I think though, if he again forces her to go through IUI, the coil would show up on the ultrasound when they're doing the IUI would it not? Then he'd know. Whereas the injection is undetectable. My copper coil made my periods lots heavier, clotting etc, the injection made them lighter. I guess you won't know until you try them.

Good advice from @DuckbilledSplatterPuff please read it @Zeemie22 .

OP - best advice on here in my opinion

I agree that @DuckbilledSplatterPuff’s post is absolutely spot-on.

Please don’t try to stick this out, @Zeemie22.

Zeemie22

I too have just read through advice from DuckbilledSplatterPuff.

After everything you have told us, you need to read it thoroughly and think bravely and carefully.

Just to add. 'take advice from Women's Aid about the safest way to go.
Don't confront him or tell him your plans.. that will just provoke more violence.

@Zeemie22 i hope you are doing ok and keeping safe. Remember we are all rooting for you.

I have good and bad days - there's an element of control with almost everything I try to do and I try hard to fight back and make sure it doesn't become the norm. I've made some progress with my thesis since writing this post and I try and grey-rock as much as I can when I feel like it's getting too much.

Thank you for checking in 🩷

I am hoping you have contacted some of the organisation that were suggested for help and advice, some of them can be emailed if you are unable to speak on a phone due to him being around.

I am also hoping that you will accept help offered ( via work ) and get out of there very very soon.

glad you are ok but please speak to one of the charity’s about a plan for getting out. Just plan it in case it all gets very dangerous. Just carrying on is not an option. We have been thinking of you, but we can only advise it’s you who has the power to change things & you alone. Just speak to someone IRL.

Please reach out to your bosses and make plans to leave.