DH tells me off publicly when I interrupt him while he's on the phone and I hate it - AIBU?

[Zeemie22]

My DH (44) tells me (36) off and doesn't hold back around friends or family if I interject while he's on a call, even if it is with a casual friend or one of his brothers or his mum or whoever else, not just business calls which I almost never interrupt. It makes me feel disrespected, like I'm small and I'm not allowed to be a part of that conversation even if it's his brother on the phone making plans for everyone getting together for a family lunch and me saying hey how about that XYZ place we went to. I said it thrice because DH ignored me the first two times. The third time he snapped at me and yelled that I have no manners and that I am interrupting him again and again while he's on a call. He was on a call with his brother. I'm his wife and I was to attend that lunch too as a guest at the restaurant my husband and my in laws were hosting.

Also, when I went to the restaurant there was a menu on the table and I picked it up and said can I order this - it was something grilled. He said no it is going to take a long time and they've already ordered and the food is going to come any minute. Well it took a good 20 minutes before the food arrived and I was only wanting a plate of mince grilled kebabs that I'm sure wouldn't have taken any longer than 20 minutes, and even if it did I wouldn't have had an issue waiting. And when he said no you can't order it, my MIL started laughing and I felt super embarassed. I felt insulted. I didn't want to to eat that table after that and my husband kept forcing me to eat when I had lost my appetite and started saying loud enough for others to hear well if you want a fight we will have a fight but not here, at home.

I felt insulted and belittled. Twice in a day.

Am I overthinking this? AIBU? What would you do if you were in my shoes? How would you have reacted?

The phone thing - you are very out of order, now you've explained the food thing I can see you were also being rude too.

The visa situation makes it tricky for you. You have all my sympathy and good wishes. I don't think anybody can tell you really what to do because every situation is unique but it is clear as day that 1) he's a controlling and abusive bastard 2) you are very (painfully) lucid about this, which is good, means the gaslighting hasn't worked 3) you are resourceful and smart. My only recommendation would be to stay strong, to not doubt that you ARE strong, and to continue to work towards your independence from this sexist moron. He and his family don't deserve you.

Have you read the pinned conform MN immediately below the OP?

If not, I suggest you do, and decide if you would like your response to still stand as being useful to the OP.

You're quite right, I dissociate a lot - my therapist says that too. It feels like living in a daze on the harder days and then I forget about everything for a while until it is either right in front of me again or when I'm myself in the middle of it again. I had a personality which was fiercely independent and now I make myself small, make appeals to his good nature at times and just disengage if things start to escalate because my therapist has told me I need to avoid a physical fight at all costs and I need to do what I need to do to stay safe if I can not leave right now.

I also don't feel excited by the thought of living a very long life. I would be OK if something were to happen tomorrow or whenever and not even fight to live on because I feel like I've experienced enough - not necessarily in a pessimistic way. I just feel content - or maybe not eager to live longer anymore. I don't hurt myself or anything like that please don't take this the wrong way. I just feel like it's a lot of hard work and heartache to justify the desire to experience more of life - the ROI isn't quite worth it for me. On good days it's 50/50.

I did read the thread. OP is in an abusive relationship and needs to walk out or would you recommend she stays?

And yet you still recommended that a woman who is beaten regularly by her husband ".. just gets up and walks out and gets a taxi home" A taxi to her home where he will most likely kill her for walking out of a restaurant. Yeah right!

No one here is telling her to stay, and if you can't see that you need to think harder!

My mothers husband constantly tries to join in phone conversations/interrupts her and I can't stand it! It's so incredibly rude when I'm on the phone to her and a third person is yapping too. So YADBU there

But who needs to ask their husband if they can order something?!

No, you didn't read the thread. If you had done then surely you wouldn't have recommended that she leave the restaurant and get a taxi back to the very place that her by then very angry abuser husband is likely to go to start beating her again - i.e. home.

What everyone is saying is that she needs help and advice from agencies like Women's Aid on how best to leave him as safely as possible, not to provoke him and then go and put herself at his mercy at the first place he will go to to look for her.

Someone who’s terrified their husband will punch them in the face if she doesn’t?

"But who needs to ask their husband if they can order something?!"

Probably someone who gets beaten by their husband on a semi-regular basis?

I don't understand, as you appear to be an academic why you think it is OK to keep interrupting your husband's phone calls when he has expressed annoyance. I also don't understand why you cannot discuss with your husband that occasionally you would like to order food of your own choice. You also don't need to go to a gym to lose excess weight. This can be done at home. If you don't love your husband, consider leaving. Having a degree and more usually involves better communication. Having arguments in front of your family is not right either. Personally I would have left when he hit me.

My husband walks in the door saying how long have you been on that phone if he catches me talking to family then interrupts all the time until I give up. It's so bloody rude especially when they've called me. It's FREE you dick I long to say. I never interrupt him or comment afterwards.

Does anyone get punched in the face in this scenario?

Read the OP's posts (press the "see all" button at the bottom right of them).

This is about serious domestic abuse, not a phone call or restaurant. I assume you and your husband don't punch each other in the face in this scenario!

I appreciate your input, thank you. I just want to make it clear that it's not something I do very often. It's usually an interjection for example he's on a call with a friend for an hour and it's all casual and I need to ask his opinion on something or share something but not in a way that I am trying to pull him away from his phone call, more like - by the way we're out of milk and I'm about to head out, are you coming with or something similar. It's almost as if it's a call from my end to say - will you prioritise responding to me if I were to interject one of your casual calls with something not super urgent necessarily. I've not felt like a priority by him in all these years and this is probably not the best way to get validation.

I came to Birmingham back in 2019 to work at the lab at my uni and my secondment here lasted 11 months. He lived with his mum in London. Not once did he come and stay with me overnight, I begged and I would cry to sleep every night. I even put fuel in his car during those days so he would come stay with me and not worry about commute costs - he was unemployed at the time and fighting his case with the UKBA. His mum wouldn't 'allow' him to come stay with me overnight but I would put the blame on him. He allowed his mum to be the excuse and not make an effort to stay with me in the short 11 month period that I had where I could stay close to him in the UK. He wasn't allowed to leave the UK back then and there was a period where only I was able to visit him when I was living in Germany.

I would wrap up work every other Friday if not every Friday, go to the airport to take a flight (easyjet was cheaper back then preCOVID) and be at his mum's by nightfall and leave on Sunday back to Berlin. Just so I could spend time with him. His mum would make me clean her toilet and I would have to do their dishes, set and clear the dining area and sit on the other side alone while he would eat his food with his mum on a different sofa by the side. Sometimes when his mum wasn't pleased with me for some mysterious reason, I wouldn't be offered food or be spoken to or invited at the dining 'table'/set up. She wouldn't ever let me talk to his extended family on video calls - there would be no mention of me while she chatted away for an hour at a time talking to his brothers, their wives and his nieces back home. It was as if I didn't exist. I used to call her mum because I missed my own mum and she told my thrice not to call her that and that MILs will and can never be mothers for their daughters in law, and vice versa.

There's so much to all of this. If I started typing I would be here everyday.

Thank you for all your responses, @Muffinmam - I appreciate your time and agree 🩷

I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to respond. Some of you have been incredibly sweet and I can not have imagined a corner of the internet where people gave away their time of day so selflessly and freely. You're all such beautiful souls - some of you keep coming back and responding to others, I have never experienced this before or anywhere else on the internet. I do see threads but it's quite different being on OP versus being a PP.

It's helpful for me to go through all the comments and I'm not afraid of feedback - good or bad. Negative feedback is still feedback for me and it doesn't phase me or hurt my feelings. It helps me with perspective and also allows me to keep a check on myself and look inwards.

I feel that this means his family are abusive to you too, and must be encouraging him in his behaviour towards you.

Please speak to your tutors today, and/or Women's Aid. You need to get out of there as quickly and as safely as possible. Today if possible.

Please ignore the posters that make you want to defend yourself re phone calls and food. This is NOT YOUR FAULT.

I'm sorry his family is abusing you too. You probably already know bad treatment of daughters in law is not uncommon in South Asian families. If you're currently in London, please, please contact Kiran Support Services. They have a phone, email and chat. Also a list here to help you: https://www.kiranss.org.uk/preparing-to-leave

I'm glad your therapist seems supportive.

Hi Everyone, Please do read OP's updates before replying as she gives more context in her replies. Thanks.

No because I have the upper hand in this scenario, husband has a lot to lose if I dial 999. There was a time though when I was vulnerable like the OP.

Oh my god OP this is horrifying 😢

@BunnyLake - I've already apologised to OP on here - I didn't see the update. The post moved so fast and I was already typing my reply, taking my time.

Op, just another voice saying I hope you can do what you know you need to do, and very soon. We all rooting for you.

You have no idea what I went through and the steps I took to protect myself with all due respect.

This is no use! People aren’t even reading the pinned post directly under the OP, they’re not going to read this!

Edit the thread title!!