DH tells me off publicly when I interrupt him while he's on the phone and I hate it - AIBU?

[Zeemie22]

My DH (44) tells me (36) off and doesn't hold back around friends or family if I interject while he's on a call, even if it is with a casual friend or one of his brothers or his mum or whoever else, not just business calls which I almost never interrupt. It makes me feel disrespected, like I'm small and I'm not allowed to be a part of that conversation even if it's his brother on the phone making plans for everyone getting together for a family lunch and me saying hey how about that XYZ place we went to. I said it thrice because DH ignored me the first two times. The third time he snapped at me and yelled that I have no manners and that I am interrupting him again and again while he's on a call. He was on a call with his brother. I'm his wife and I was to attend that lunch too as a guest at the restaurant my husband and my in laws were hosting.

Also, when I went to the restaurant there was a menu on the table and I picked it up and said can I order this - it was something grilled. He said no it is going to take a long time and they've already ordered and the food is going to come any minute. Well it took a good 20 minutes before the food arrived and I was only wanting a plate of mince grilled kebabs that I'm sure wouldn't have taken any longer than 20 minutes, and even if it did I wouldn't have had an issue waiting. And when he said no you can't order it, my MIL started laughing and I felt super embarassed. I felt insulted. I didn't want to to eat that table after that and my husband kept forcing me to eat when I had lost my appetite and started saying loud enough for others to hear well if you want a fight we will have a fight but not here, at home.

I felt insulted and belittled. Twice in a day.

Am I overthinking this? AIBU? What would you do if you were in my shoes? How would you have reacted?

She is getting punched in the face. That's even more humiliating.

I'm sure that would end well. Not.

Jesus Christ.

That poor woman. I didn’t read the OP’s subsequent posts.

That's why Mumsnet pinned a post telling you to read all the OP's updates before commenting.

Might be worth speaking to an organisation called Southall Black Sisters too xx

Which i didn’t see.

No need to get snippy.

Please leave him
Please get on contraception
He's hitting you in the face every 3 months
You earn more than him ,for god sakes leave before you either end up pregnant or badly injured

TBH I was being sarcastic to yet another poster who hadn't read OP's posts.

OP you are absolutely batshit crazy for still being there. The only person who should be embarrassed is him! Hitting your partner is disgusting behaviour and I can honestly say that the day my husband hits me in the face is the day I become a widow. He has to sleep sometime.

Bloody hell. Ive read all your posts OP and I'm horrified. This is one of the worst things I've ever read on MN and I've been on here for years. The detached and matter of fact way you write about his abuse is chilling - you have clearly accepted this as your norm, it's so upsetting to read.

I'm afraid I'm going to end up alone and I won't find anyone else decent

I don't understand this comment - he is about as far from "decent" as a man could possibly be. He despises you. He physically hurts you and tries to control even which foods you eat. He enjoys hurting you. He's a psycho.

Please please get away now, today before he kills you. If will never get better - you know this. You sound like you have given up on life - but if you got away you would see how much better your life will be without him and wonder what you were thinking staying with him all these years. You don't have to start the divorce process (which will possibly bring your visa to an end from what you say) you can just get as far away from him as possible. You could do it in a day, find a place to rent in Bristol and move all your stuff out. He has planned this nicely, isolating you in a foreign country and making you reliant on him for your stability here. What an evil bastard he is.

None of this is your fault.

They did so 😂back at you.

This sounds like really good idea.
Try and get everything in place without him knowing you are leaving first, and then move, and make sure you do not get pregnant before then.

What, in case you get hit in the face by your seriously abusive husband?

Another one who hasn't bothered to read all the OP's posts.

This is quite a common abuse tactic.

I'm afraid you are in very good company here with lots of other brave and wonderful women. Look up Emma Pattison. Her husband called the police on her as part of his abuse.

I am worried for you. Please look to your safety so we don't read about you in the papers (not knowing it was you) in a few month's time. He's already crossed a line by being violent - if you speak to any expert in domestic violence, they will tell you that it only escalates from now on.

I hope that in a few months time you will be able to update us that you are in a place of safety. I am rooting for you in the meantime.

And please don't feel judged by us if it takes you a while to get out. Leaving a violent man is the most dangerous time. You need to plan it well to ensure your safety. It is not straightforward. Luckily you have no children to tie you to this man so when you're out, you're out and you can cut him off completely. But please take advice from experts in planning a safe exit.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. I am sending a hug.

Someone's probably said this already but I haven't time to read the thread. My question is: have you told your PhD supervisors? I work in academia, and if a doctoral student of mine was in this situation, I would want to know and support/help. Your supervisors will be able to point you, via the university, to lots of support you could access. Knowing what's going on could also allow them to support you work-wise in ways they may not know to otherwise. So please do talk to them.

Please do follow the advice here, and leave him safely. He is dangerous.
All the very best to you. X

She might not be able to see well enough to write post-it notes if he's punched her the face recently.

Fair enough. I missed that.

Please leave him and be safe and happy x

It was obvious in the OP's opening post.

She said - 'And when he said no you can't order it, my MIL started laughing and I felt super embarassed. I felt insulted. I didn't want to to eat that table after that and my husband kept forcing me to eat when I had lost my appetite and started saying loud enough for others to hear well if you want a fight we will have a fight but not here, at home.'

No man who loves and cares for his woman would speak like this to her. This comes across as a threat to me.

But nearly all PP centred on was the interrupting.

As I said it was obvious in Op's first post.

Add for indefinite leave to remain then leave. I wouldn't wait actually see an immigration lawyer and a family lawyer and get out.

Should you not have opened with the hitting rather than minor incidents? Food is out of order. Just do don't ask

Post edit : found it!!

P.s. leave him OP, he sounds horrible & a danger to your welfare long term. Leave him & work out the admin details later. Good luck!!

Yes, there is. In the OP it says ‘OP posts: see all’.

You sound lovely op and very accomplished. No doubt this makes your dh feel threatened. Your dh on the other hand sounds like a controlling, jealous, violent psycho. From your descriptions I can’t see anything positive about this man. Please leave before you get pregnant or hurt. You really need to seek support and there have been some great suggestions on this thread.

'you were also unreasonable to then make a scene to not eat'

No way was the OP unreasonable for her loss of appetite. Being told off at the breakfast/lunch/dinner table will do this. It's a very normal response regardless of the persons age so it affects children, teenagers and adults.

Oh dear! I now understand the complication. Can you get your employer to issue you a work visa? That way you can leave him and change from a spouse visa. This does not sound like a sustainable relationship at all. It worked that long because you were long distance but now that you are living together it will get even worse.