DH tells me off publicly when I interrupt him while he's on the phone and I hate it - AIBU?

[Zeemie22]

My DH (44) tells me (36) off and doesn't hold back around friends or family if I interject while he's on a call, even if it is with a casual friend or one of his brothers or his mum or whoever else, not just business calls which I almost never interrupt. It makes me feel disrespected, like I'm small and I'm not allowed to be a part of that conversation even if it's his brother on the phone making plans for everyone getting together for a family lunch and me saying hey how about that XYZ place we went to. I said it thrice because DH ignored me the first two times. The third time he snapped at me and yelled that I have no manners and that I am interrupting him again and again while he's on a call. He was on a call with his brother. I'm his wife and I was to attend that lunch too as a guest at the restaurant my husband and my in laws were hosting.

Also, when I went to the restaurant there was a menu on the table and I picked it up and said can I order this - it was something grilled. He said no it is going to take a long time and they've already ordered and the food is going to come any minute. Well it took a good 20 minutes before the food arrived and I was only wanting a plate of mince grilled kebabs that I'm sure wouldn't have taken any longer than 20 minutes, and even if it did I wouldn't have had an issue waiting. And when he said no you can't order it, my MIL started laughing and I felt super embarassed. I felt insulted. I didn't want to to eat that table after that and my husband kept forcing me to eat when I had lost my appetite and started saying loud enough for others to hear well if you want a fight we will have a fight but not here, at home.

I felt insulted and belittled. Twice in a day.

Am I overthinking this? AIBU? What would you do if you were in my shoes? How would you have reacted?

Something to discuss with your therapist perhaps:
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-49481998

I agree that it would probably help to edit the thread title. It might stop some people from going off on the wrong tangent straight away and piling on.

Too few are even looking at the pinned post. They are just reading the OP and replying mindlessly.

I think we should all just collectively ignore the daft posters who clearly haven’t read the update. It’s enough them clogging up the thread without us replying to them too (which I myself have done)

OP please ignore them too, the ones who have read properly appreciate it’s about so much more than interrupting a call. Hope you are finding all the other more considered advice useful

I’d also switch the voting off @Zeemie22 or ask MN to.

You need to get support from Asian support groups saw a programme on why Kiran support group was set up. You need to plan, honor based violence can be common in families like this. If I can find the programme I will link it. They have advice & solicitors that deal with Pakistani families & immigration issues.

I think that would be better the title is misleading to what is actually is going on.

not the one I wanted but this is a quick view

Are you done with your nasty bullshit?

The points I made still stand after reading her update and I also made follow up posts. There is nothing with trying by to get her husbands attention he is on a call that relates to her and after reading her updates I still conclude that she is in an abusive controlling relationship.

So trying to get his attention is only going to unleash another load of grief.

If she's planning to get out she needs to keep her head down so that she gets out in one piece.

I also don't feel excited by the thought of living a very long life. I would be OK if something were to happen tomorrow or whenever and not even fight to live on because I feel like I've experienced enough - not necessarily in a pessimistic way. I just feel content - or maybe not eager to live longer anymore. I don't hurt myself or anything like that please don't take this the wrong way. I just feel like it's a lot of hard work and heartache to justify the desire to experience more of life - the ROI isn't quite worth it for me. On good days it's 50/50.

I felt like this when I had a nervous breakdown OP. I felt very detached and ambivalent about whether I lived or died. I found it difficult to care about anything much at all, even my dc's. It was a result of a very long period of stress and yes an abusive relationship (not physical but mental abuse - you are experiencing both). The mind can only take so much before it breaks off into a kind of cognitive dissonance to protect oneself.

I wish I could give you a big hug and provide you with shelter, I want so much for you to get away from this horrible, abusive man and his horrible, abusive family.

I think it sounds like you may have a trauma bond with him - has your therapist discussed this with you?

I agree with the poster who suggested speaking to your colleagues about this, it needs to be out in the open and for people to know what you are dealing with at home in case it escalates. Is there anyone at work you trust to confide in?

It is better to be alone then with this poor excuse of a man. Maybe go to the gp and ask for the contraceptive injection so then there is no chance of getting pregnant. The gp may also be able to sign post you to resources on how you can leave. Because you need to leave soon.

https://www.awrc.org.uk Asian Womens Resource Centre may be able to help x

And you chose to marry into that? 🤦‍♀️

@Zeemie22 none of this is embarrassing for you if it was it would be more embarrassing to stay . Nobody Blaine you OP. You are on a scary situation.
H is the one who should be embarrassed ! I see that he used you for a meal ticket o think it’s been like that since day one . He never shown you respect and his mother knows it and she treats you like dirt too.

Please seek help and leave him and his rotten family to it .
Use your money for therapy. One day you will be happy to be alive and looking forward to a future and loving life once again.

@Azureshores Thank you for picking up on these recent comments from @Zeemie22 and responding to them. I'm sorry you went through what you did; I felt the same as @Zeemie22 and you when I was seriously depressed.

I feel so worried for you @Zeemie22 I don't know you personally but I can tell you that you have enormous value as a person. Not just in a everyone-has-value kind of way but as someone upthread said, you are a unicorn. Apart from your demonstrable intelligence (PhD in a valued subject, etc) you are clearly a woman of original, independent thought.

When you were writing about having lived in a shared house before - in West Yorkshire I think you said - with women, you wrote with such warmth. Keep remembering those times, visualising them, remembering the smell, the cleanliness, the respect you knew you had to give each other in order to rub alongside each other. I'm sure you were comparing those living conditions with how you feel about living with this boorish, inferior man.

Keep remembering those times in order to focus on what life can be and will be like again.

You might be lonely for a spell after you've left but you will make friends. You will construct a framework for your life. Please do not give in to him and his horrible mother and wider family. Find that strength.

Also, did you see the advice about birth control being free in the UK?

I'm a little bit overwhelmed with all the supportive comments I've received on here and I am genuinely so, so grateful. I realise I've only been focused on telling my story in this thread. I think I've got enough out now to just take a big deep breath and pause. I couldn't sleep last night because I felt like my life was on fire again. I dissociate I think so it doesn't feel that way for a period of time until I'm absolutely forced to see it in the face again. I went to the gym this this evening and I feel a bit better.

You guys, you're all unicorns in here yourself, what an amazing community of thoughtful, caring women with hearts of pure gold - I appreciate each and every one of you and I'm sure you get told this by others, you are all such beautiful, kind souls. I never would have expected the kindness and thoughtfulness I've received from complete strangers on the internet who have nothing to gain from talking to me and thinking of me and I've been a silent lurker on MN for a couple of years 🩷

I'm so sorry you went through a tough time as well, @Azureshores . How are you doing now? I hope you've found peace and healing, you deserve every bit of it.

I've made a note re. trauma bond, that's actually a good point to raise, thank you. I will discuss this in my next session. I'm really glad I can afford these sessions, they sort of shield me from the gaslighting and I am able to see things for what they are. I've also worked a lot on boundaries with my therapist which has been helpful, it's a work in progress of course but slowly getting there 😊

Yes my manager's aware - they just don't know it happens this frequently. I think they only know of two incidents. The latest one was in March I think, it was an hour before I had a full day of meetings via Zoom and it was our annual strategy day at my company. I was sitting at my desk getting ready for the meeting and he said well haven't you got makeup on, are you going out? Are you going to see a male friend again? Are you going to work from a 'coffee shop' today again? I had worked for a coffee shop once and for the first time in the week prior and I had gone to a lunch with a friend I do a side business with a couple of weeks prior, the only person other than family I've gone to meet perhaps in the last year. My friend really wanted to meet up with me so he could show the products he was launching and discuss how I could help him from my end - we split profits, I get a small cut but it's still income. He's also a really good friend for the last 15 years but we don't meet up very often, perhaps once every 2-3 years or so. I said well if I wanted to see a friend, I would and I'm not doing anything wrong. I shouldn't have to ask and I will not ask before going to see a friend. I said I don't have friends and you're so used to me staying home all the time, perhaps I should make new friends or get together with school/uni friends again, I only ever socialise with either my immediate family or yours. He didn't like hearing any of that and told me to shut up and called me a bitch - I reminded him of his promise to never cuss at me again but he had already lost his mind by then. Came over, towered over me while I was sat at my desk, hit me across the face twice I think or thrice I can't remember and in the middle of all of this my work laptop somehow fell to the floor and the screen broke. I didn't even shed a single tear - I was worried about my laptop, it wasn't even mine it was lent to me by my company. I went to the bathroom, fixed my hair, hid the side of my face that was hit the most with hair and lots of foundation and logged in with my personal laptop. It was a full day of video calling, I knew I'd cry if anyone spoke to me directly and luckily no one did - especially not my COO or CEO. I'm close to them and if they talk to me kindly, I just start crying even if there is no reason to. I cry because I can see how much they care about me. I don't misuse or abuse that though. They don't need to know I think, it is only going to affect my professional relationship. It'll be 10 years soon that I've been working for them and they're really lovely people. I was told they would both get on the motorway the instant I'd call on them if anything happened to me in the UK and I needed help, I wouldn't trouble them of course but it's really nice to know they care.

Ask them if they will sponsor your work visa.

Asking for their help doesn't mean you're troubling them. They offered because they want to help, and they probably know more than you think they do. You have their permission to accept all and any help they offer.

Thank you for thinking of me and for leaving such a thoughtful response 🙏 I will do that and remind myself of those days, you're right it was nice to live with people who respected each other and made an effort to ensure everyone was able to enjoy the accommodation and the shared living experience.

I did make a mental note re. contraception. My GP's surgery is a bit further away in town and my husband keeps pushing me to go so I could get checkups etc again - I haven't lived here in the UK these past 5-6 years and the last time I visited them was probably in 2019. It's going to be hard for me to just go and see the doctor on my own, my husband hasn't left the flat for a longer enough spell since I had that talk with him when we came home after the restaurant incident and tried to tell him it's not OK for him to disrespect me in public. He went to the gym with me today as well and made sure he dropped me home once I was done (I took an hour longer than him but he wouldn't go without me, I told him I can come back home myself but he said it's chilly outside and I'll catch a cold). He gets really anxious if I stop talking to him and starts doing all sorts of acrobatics to get me to start talking to him again. He waited for an hour in the car today and insisted he will drop me at the gym - I told him I'm not done with work just yet and will be going myself later but he insisted he'll wait and we will go together. He was opening doors for me today as well at the gym, he usually doesn't care about that sort of thing even though he walks in front of me, always. On my way back I said could you drop me at Tesco's - he had to leave for a boy's night out. He said he'll wait for me and drop me home once I'm done and he did. So you do these nice things for me but when I'm normal with you and have my guard down, you start controlling me again and disrespecting me in private and public and then you don't hold back even for a second on the misogyny? It's almost as if he goes back on his mission to 'tame and domesticate' me and make me into the subservient wife that he so desperately wants. I've told him so many times I will never be that person and it's not in me to ever knuckle under, follow somebody without questioning them unless I trust their leadership and I trust them with my interests and I know they will always safeguard my interests no matter what.

Anyway I digress a lot, don't I? 😅 I am thinking of slipping a note to my GP when he leaves the room for a scan etc and I will request a contraception injection in writing. Thank you to everyone who suggested the idea 🙏

I think they can if I were to ask them and my CEO even offered a few months ago. I'm too proud I think. Also, there is this worry at the back of my mind of shifting leverage from one party to another - it isn't always the easiest of rides either way when someone knows you're dependent on them anything at all, VISAs included. It might be the lesser of the two evils at worst and a smooth ride at best but the risk is there and unmissable. I will probably switch if I must.

Also, when I told my therapist about this incident, she had to get therapy herself. She told me later on she needed a supervision session to process the session he had with me. I on the other hand was recalling everything very matter of fact.

@Zeemie22 sweet girl, his actions of insisting on driving you home and waiting around for you to be finished are not signs of kindness from him, he is controlling you. He doesn’t want you to be alone and out of his control for a second. The fact you have come to see this as him ‘doing nice things’ is really concerning.

You need to see the GP alone if you can. Your surgery may offer an e-consult system where you can submit a query via their online system so that you can request an appointment for contraception but also explain they’ll need to facilitate you going into the appointment without your husband. Please do this as soon as you can, I’m very concerned he will get you pregnant.

I don't think the therapist should have told you that. It's normal that she would have her own therapy/supervision - I'm fairly sure that regulated ones in the UK are expected to have regular supervision to help with countertransference.

Agree with @NZDreaming that followimg you around is about control, it's not nice.

I get it but the difference is you are not going to get slapped around by your boss? Why stay with not so dear husband because you are worried about your visa when there may a route to stay AND free yourself from the marriage. You keep talking about being embarrassed about your situation - there's nothing to be embarrassed about. I can pretty much guarantee if you open up to your boss, a colleague or anyone, you will get nothing but help to get you out. Even if you are embarrassed, a wee bit of embarrassment now to free yourself is surely better than a lifetime of misery? As the L'Oréal advert says, you are worth it - get yourself out and go live the life you deserve, not one stuck being micromanaged and controlled x

They’re my faves too, body pump is my go to though.

I’ve read all of your comments and I’m sorry I made a snap judgement on the first page of the thread. I can see why you interjected during phone conversations, and let me tell you something, you are worth one billion of your DH and he is threatened by your intelligence and terrified of you leaving him, which is why he treats you this way.

I hope you find a way to leave him and stay in the country, wishing you all the best @Zeemie22 xxx

Your employee is very aware. They would be devastated to think you are living this awful life and weren't asking for help that has been offered.

You are a valued employee. They want to make sure you are safe with a work visa and they will help you leave.

He isn't being nice. He is an extremely controlling man and soon you won't be allowed to leave your house.

There is nothing to be ashamed of, with asking for help. You aren't alone in marrying the wrong bloke. Or hoping it will all suddenly get better.

Please change your pin daily, wipe your phone history, and think you are avoiding the reality you know you will wish you'd just left when you had the chance, next time he puts his hands round your neck or punches you across the room.

It takes a huge amount of courage to leave, which you are finding out. Much more than staying and putting up with it, no one likes change, even if they know its for good.

You know all this. Can you hide a mobile taped to the cistern in the bathroom which if you lock yourself in, gives you a minute to call the police? I believe there is a text number you can use as well.

All people want is for you to be safe and happy. It's very high risk for you, which is your norm? I'll say it again, I think your therapist is not helping you. You need to get out, then see someone else, who specialises in survivors of domestic abuse.