To want to leave the US but DH is dead against it?

[BotAsp]

Bit of a rant tbh. We’ve been in the States nearly 6 years now (moved for DH’s job), and I’m just so done. The politics, the healthcare stress, the guns in schools — all of it. DD is 4 and starting pre-K in Sept and I’m lowkey freaking out. It all feels so alien and I just want her to grow up somewhere I don’t have to worry about lockdown drills or insane medical bills for a cough. I miss the NHS like mad.

DH thinks I’m being dramatic. He loves it here, his job is good, we’ve got a nice house, etc etc. But I feel so trapped. We barely have any proper support, I feel like I’m constantly having to translate everything — culture, language, even bloody humour. I’m homesick and just want to be able to pop round to my mum’s with DD and not need a 10-hour flight and 3 weeks off work to do it.

I’ve tried talking to him but he shuts it down every time. Says I’m not thinking long-term and we’d regret moving back. But honestly I don’t see how it’s worse than this? I’d take a smaller house and rain over anxiety meds and school shootings.

Has anyone been in this boat and come out the other side? Just feel like I’ve got no one to talk to here who gets it. Don’t want to drag DD back and resent DH forever but don’t want to stay and go quietly mad either.

Is it me? AIBU?

Good men with guns neutralise bad men with guns

So your from the UK, I don't understand how you come from a culture of no private gun ownership but are advocating for it. It strikes me as Hill Billy and would cause absolutely mayhem with people taking the law into the own hands. It is definitely antiquated and I would equate that lawlessness with medieval times.

What should the person have done 26 years ago? Let the boy steal his stuff?

And anyone who gets caught in the crossfire it's so incredibly irresponsible and shows no concern for the value of life.

Yes, you can't just kill a boy, take a life for stuff, completely insane but I think you are on the wind up. Are you a man?

Yes - my dd’s school had lockdown drills every year.

The boy was leaving when he shot him. No need to kill him.

I'm not on a wind up. I genuinely believe and agree with American stand your ground laws and the castle doctrine. I don't support going around shooting people randomly. But I support and agree with people being allowed to use force to protect themselves and their property.

The fact you think a person should allow their house to get robbed instead of actively stopping the criminal proves to me that you're just plain stupid.

Who, in the USA, last openly equated property with human life?

Please stop feeding this beast and end this derail. It's deliberate.

It definitely does not happen here ( in my area) and I think comparing the odd U.K. lockdown ‘shelter’ drills is very different from American drills and the reality, which is shown in the ridiculously worrying US statistics on gun crime and school shootings. You can not compare this to the U.K. I work in a lot of schools locally and lockdowns are unheard of here, except for once when a badger got caught in the football nets and they kept the kids indoors until it was safely released. 😂

This is a very difficult dilemma and one my parents went through @BotAsp - I think it’s really common amongst couples who relocate.

First I think it’s good to establish how your relationship is in general. Are you happy? Is it mutually supportive? Do you love your husband? Do you find yourself still looking forward to time with him?

In the assumption your relationship is generally good and you want to be with him, then you have to discuss this problem like two adults and not like kids. If he’s usually decent and he’s shutting you down, look at how you’re approaching it. Is he working a lot? Dealing with complex problems? Coming home to you, you’re tired, bit lonely fed up, been on your own with a preschooler? A tiny tiny bit whiny about how fed up you are possibly/ maybe 😅🤪??

You need an adult conversation in peace where you both actively listen to eachother and he needs to listen to you rationally like he would to people at work. You need to both resolve and be open to eachother’s perspectives.
You can also throw in some other solutions into your discussions which should happen over time:-
What part of the US are you in - is it the area or the country itself?
How many friends have you made locally?
Could your mum come and stay for a while?
Could you move to a better house with more space/ pool/ gym/ that felt really lovely and that you loved being in every day?
Have you got great health insurance? (If you have got family health then NHS is not really an issue in your discussions??)
Could you take separate trips home more frequently? It’s really not that far I’ve commuted to US for weekly working to both east and west coast in the past. Go every 6 weeks home?
Would you just feel better if you felt heard and he talked about the future and some steps when you can move back and what that looks like to him?
Have you actively looked where you would go in the UK? What type of housing would be available on your income and how that compares to your current set up?

Don’t worry about moving your kid’s school. I have a friend who moved hers to US at year 9 and kid aced the US Highschool system. Likewise different friends who’ve come home to UK with a year 7 and year 9 who, again, have both settled into British high schools and done really well and then aced GCSEs.
Your kid just needs you both to be happy.

good luck with your decision making @BotAsp

Sounds like you are taking a lot of time and resources of the. NHS as needed. I’m glad the NHS works so effectively for you, but there are a few hundred/ thousands of people who wait for appointments every day.

Oh really? I never did one.. I was actually surprised to here they were doing it

You've got to think of how big the US is though.. if you take all of Europe, how much violence/terror attacks have there been?

Agree @BlazenWeights ....this isn't the norm people can wait weeks for appointments at the doctor and hospitals.

If you have good healthcare I'd not give that up readily...it is a postcode lottery here with the NHS...

"you're just plain stupid", charming!

I disagree, your perspective on what is important in life is skewed? I see you didn't answer the are you a man question, I'm guessing you are as you talk of castles as your home and seem to be driven by some medieval notions of morality!

We have only been to the States once to Florida .We loved it ! However I wouldnt like to live there TBH. Its a difficult one as DH may have meant it at the time ,but as he has settled it feels comfortable there.

The other thing the London schools near me had were seriously unfriendly campuses. 12+ foot fencing topped with razor wire or other anti-intruder stuff, Tightly controlled entrances. Etc. From the outside they looked more like prisons than schools.

OP what’s your visa status? If you’re coming up to 6 years, are you actually going to be able to stay much longer?

The legal principle is referred to as the Castle Doctrine. The poster you’re replying to isn’t randomly bringing the medieval into it.

I’m a woman that supports Castle Doctrine laws. You have no idea why someone may be attempting to break into your house, or whether they’re armed or not themselves.

No shit, how does that change the point about medieval morality?

Also, these notions are American imports (the worst parts) as it is not exactly left field to think like me. When I was in 6th form college, one of my teachers had his house burgled and he described it as a rebalancing of wealth between the richest and the poorest, now I am sure that has blown your mind but it is highlighting a valid point about the morality of such disparities of wealth and we all know that is the biggest crime in the US!

Interesting, ours have fences but nothing like that. Probably reflective of local crime/vandalism levels in different parts of the city I'd guess.

One thing I notice about UK schools vs my own home country (Australia) is how much more secure our schools are. Much harder for an intruder to gain access (or for a kid to get out) but the flip side is that they do feel more closed off from the community.

I didn’t consider it a point worth giving attention to, given that self defense and defense of the home is clearly a facet not just of medieval morality, but ancient and modern too.

Your teacher was free to consider the event through whatever ideological lens he saw fit to. I don’t actually struggle with comprehending that other people have opinions and world views that differ from my own, which I’m sure you’ll be pleased to know means that your anecdotal bullet didn’t explode my mind upon impact.

I live in the U.S, and I come from another country where gun ownership was and is common (and not an American import, incidentally).

Why did you feel the need to have a dig about me "taking a lot of time and resources of the NHS"? Isn’t that what it’s there for? Would you prefer me and my family to not use the NHS "as needed"?

Sorry the illnesses and medical needs of me and my family annoy you. What a charming person you must be.

Thank you. I don't support just willy nilly killing criminals. Just I believe that everyone has the right to defend themselves and their property and to use deadly force. I do kickboxing here. If I was in America, I'd work my way to legally getting a conceal carry license to use.

The idea that people should just let their house get burgled instead of actively stopping them is ludicrous to me. I remember seeing a news story where a man attempted to carjack a woman who had her child in the car. The woman shot the man in the head, he was arrested and taken to the hospital for his injuries.