To want to leave the US but DH is dead against it?

[BotAsp]

Bit of a rant tbh. We’ve been in the States nearly 6 years now (moved for DH’s job), and I’m just so done. The politics, the healthcare stress, the guns in schools — all of it. DD is 4 and starting pre-K in Sept and I’m lowkey freaking out. It all feels so alien and I just want her to grow up somewhere I don’t have to worry about lockdown drills or insane medical bills for a cough. I miss the NHS like mad.

DH thinks I’m being dramatic. He loves it here, his job is good, we’ve got a nice house, etc etc. But I feel so trapped. We barely have any proper support, I feel like I’m constantly having to translate everything — culture, language, even bloody humour. I’m homesick and just want to be able to pop round to my mum’s with DD and not need a 10-hour flight and 3 weeks off work to do it.

I’ve tried talking to him but he shuts it down every time. Says I’m not thinking long-term and we’d regret moving back. But honestly I don’t see how it’s worse than this? I’d take a smaller house and rain over anxiety meds and school shootings.

Has anyone been in this boat and come out the other side? Just feel like I’ve got no one to talk to here who gets it. Don’t want to drag DD back and resent DH forever but don’t want to stay and go quietly mad either.

Is it me? AIBU?

Lived in the US for nearly a decade, like you I just couldn’t settle, we came back to the UK and I don’t regret my decision. I grew to hate the US so much over that period that I can say hand on heart I will never step foot in that country again, the thought of returning even for a holiday make me anxious and I’m not an anxious person generally speaking.

I haven’t been in this position but my parents moved back from the US despite ostensibly better quality of life there (this was before school shootings etc) because they never felt quite at home and didn’t want their kids (me) growing up as Americans.

I think you’ve done 6 years and that’s a good innings. It would be fair to say it’s my turn to choose now. What did you agree before moving out there?

Why not approach it bit by bit - find out what kind of house you could get in your home area, call up about school places, etc. See if you can present a more concrete picture. Are you still in touch with home friends, including ones that DH knows too? Where are his parents?

I wouldn’t move back for the NHS mind you - more and more people going private here because of NHS waiting lists/gatekeeping/resource stretch .

YANBU at all. No huge mansion could convince me to raise my kids in the US

In your post you state “don’t want to drag dd back and resent dh forever”. Does that mean you think you have the option of returning to the uk with your dd without your husband?

you need to consult an expert in international custody law before you start contemplating things like that. Your dd is a presumed resident of the U.S. and based on the dates you provide a U.S. citizen.

You are literally at a huge cross roads. You need to make this decision before DD starts school as it would be pretty tough to yank her out years down the line to move back.

Do it now.

If you are considering just coming back with your DD then you need to think that one iver carefully. Unless you can get your husbands permission to settle back over here permenantly you would quite possible find yourself ordered bavk iver to the states. Hague proceedings - and the UK gears Hague cases swiftly.

If your DH doesn't want to move back, would you even be able to take DD with you without his consent? Presumably she is an American citizen if she was born there.

Where (broadly-speaking) are you based?

Sorry to tell you we have lockdown drills here too.

but in general I agree. My husband sometimes says NYC might be a good move for us… I’ve vetoed that. Absolutely not. I will not take my children to a country where guns are part of their lives. Not even Disney.

We moved back for exactly the reasons you state. Fortunately DH and I were on the same page. No regrets whatsoever.

Well yes, the OP needs her husband permission to take their child out of the UK, but may he will give it. I heard of one woman who was forced to return her child to the US while also being permanently banned from that country. Doesn't bear thinking about

if one of you is deeply unhappy with where you live then it needs addressing.

Your DH is being completely unreasonable in not even being willing to discuss things. Unfortunately if he doesn’t take your unhappiness seriously, you will continue to develop a very damaging resentment towards him.

Keep bringing it up @BotAsp and make him listen. If he continues to refuse to engage, then you have no choice but to give him an ultimatum.

I moved back from the Middle East as my daughter was entering school system. I was so relieved to be back in the UK. Do you work OP? Or are you financially dependent on his job!

I would also prefer to live in a 2 bed flat somewhere I’m happy than in a large house with a beautiful garden where I feel isolated & miserable. We only get one life & it’s too short to spend living in misery if we can possibly help it. Unfortunately, what happiness & misery look like for you & your DH seem to fundamentally differ when it comes to location.

I can completely understand you.

I've visited the US and would hate to live there.

I did exactly that. Lived in a big 5 bedroom house in the UK and was absolutely miserable, especially for the last years. Moved back to my home country after almost 2 decades and now live in a 2-bed flat in the centre of my favourite city. I have never been happier. It's hard to properly settle abroad and it when you don't it's all you can think about.

I agree with PP, you won’t be able to leave USA with DD unless her father agrees. Is that remotely likely?

The point at which I was prescribed anti depressants was the day I decided I was leaving.

If your DH cares more about his job than about your health then he isn't worth staying for..

What?? Where are there lockdown drills?

No presumably - it's explicitly. The 14th amendment makes it so.

The OP doesn't say if she or her DP are US citizens.

OP I hope you can find a solution because I doubt you are able to move home without his consent to take DD. Try and persuade him as best you can.

That said, the orange monster won't be there forever and I hope USA will do some real soul searching afterwards about who they are as a nation. They just need one moderate, sane democrat to lead a huge reversal. Then it may be a much more attractive place to be.

Don't blame you. I'd hate it and certainly wouldn't want to bring kinds up there.
Could you both get work in the UK?

As someone who also lives abroad, you need to think about this carefully. Is it just homesickness? Because not everything is solved by moving back to England. It's a mess, people are poor, the weather is shit, and yes, you would be living somewhere pretty small. You have a daughter to think about - if your standard of living is much better in the US, and her dad is happier there, staying might be best.

I am actually moving back to the UK soon so I don't blame you AT ALL. I'm just saying, don't make a knee jerk reaction. We are moving because we finally have enough money to buy something really nice AND one of our careers will benefit a lot from the move. But I have many "expat" friends for whom the move back home, done for emotional reasons alone, has gone very very wrong.

Thanks everyone, really appreciate the replies – feel less alone already.

@minipie – yeah this is sort of it. Feels like we’ve done our stint and it’s not like I’m asking to go tomorrow, just to have a proper convo about when. Before we moved we said 3–5 years max so we’re already past that. I’ll take your advice and start looking at housing/schools just to get a sense of what’s possible. DH does have mates back home too so maybe that’ll help him imagine it a bit. His parents are still UK based, bit older now though. Re: NHS – agreed, it’s not what it was, but still feels less scary than here!

@Ponderingwindow – not at all, I wouldn’t take DD without DH. I just meant that if we don’t sort this out soon I might start feeling resentment, which I really don’t want. I’d never up sticks without him and defo know that legally it’s not simple.

@DaisyChain505 – this is my worry exactly. She’s little now and adaptable, but I don’t want to wait til she’s 9 or 10 and settled with mates and routines then spring a whole new life on her. It’s now or neverish.

@VeryQuaintIrene – we’re in the Midwest, not a major city but a decent-sized town. Nice on paper but v car-dependent and a bit… meh culturally.

@jeaux90 – I work PT remotely for a UK company but DH earns more so I’m definitely not the main breadwinner. We could get by on my income in the UK though if we downsized and tightened things for a bit.

Will keep reading – thanks again xx

I lived in the US for over a decade and moved back to the UK when we had kids because I thought I didn't want them growing up in the states, mainly for the reasons you outlined, though I also thought the schooling would be better in the UK.

We moved back to the US when the kids were 7. UK was not what I was expecting anymore. The truth behind the moaning Brit trope that many Aus and US friends had teased me about became very apparent. The school system was stressful and somewhat joyless for the kids. Far more rigid and with lower academic standards than I'd recalled. We were in London and a couple of schools near us had just put in metal detectors because of problems with knives. There was racist teasing in the playground and a fair amount of sexism from children and teachers. Our school choices were also hugely hampered by the presence of so many state religious schools that we did not qualify for, which felt really alienating. The NHS got noticeably worse in the years we there too and was not what I wanted for health care. It became tough to get to see a doctor and that seems to have got even worse in most of the UK.

I'm still a bit torn. Not fully happy with the US but do think it's better for our kids than the UK. I'm also happier here, though I did love the access to culture, especially theatre, that living in London gave me. Politics in both places is depressing. It's hard to guess what the future will bring.

So it may still be right for you, but don't romanticise the UK too much.