DP going on holiday with friends… AGAIN.

[PissOffHoliday]

Am I being unreasonable?

DP usually goes on a couple of solo trips a year, usually for long weekends, sometimes for a week at a time. These holidays have always been in the UK or Europe. I don’t particularly like it, as we have children, the youngest of which is 1 years old. It means doing all childcare alone, obviously, but also having to make adjustments to my work schedule. I’ve ‘put up with it’, but I think his planned trip for next year is taking the piss.

He and his friends have organised a week in an exotic location - approximately 10 hours away - think of a honeymoon style destination. I think this is totally different to a trip to the UK or Europe, it’s more expensive, further away… and frankly, it’s the type of place I would like to go to with DP or with our children.

He also vetoed a holiday this year as he moaned about the cost and the fact it ‘wouldn’t be fun with the one year old’, despite me wanting to go. He’s offered a European holiday next year with all of us, whilst he plans his solo exotic trip with his mates. I also can’t do the same with my friends as we all have responsibilities and can’t just piss off for a week.

I’m usually a bit grumbly about his breaks away, but not as angry and upset as I feel about this latest one. It just feels like an absolute piss take. AIBU?

Raise your bar, OP.

You call him your dear partner. Well, you are not his partner and nor are you dear to him (and neither are his children).

Presumably my you upping sticks for a holiday will mean this useless selfish turd caring for a 1 year old and other children?

Not sure I’d be able to relax for a minute

Realistically you’re not going to just book a solo trip, are you, appealing as the idea might be.

What you actually need to do is get bloody furious. I would be at ultimatum level. “By all means go but you’re not coming back home if you do, since clearly you want to live like a single man”.

I’m surprised it’s considered ok for married men and women or partners to go abroad on stag and hen dos. It’s like wanting to be single, they have to join in with dubious activities or be labelled party poopers by their peers. God knows what they get up to, but some come back with more than a sun tan! Why do husbands and partners put up with that?
I’ve often read on here that married couples or partners go on separate holidays abroad with friends, which seems to be supported by most on here. That’s what you do before marriage. It’s asking for trouble, however much you trust them. After marriage, or committing to a partnership, holidays should be family orientated. Not talking about the odd day or short break for stuff like hobbies, fishing trips.

How are these trips funded OP? And absolutely do book a week off for yourself, a lovely beach resort or a fancy spa abroad and enjoy!

I think you’re massively unreasonable to think that a married man or woman should turn down a stag or hen to celebrate their friend or that you can’t have a girls trip because it’s “something you do when you’re single”

You sound ridiculous and controlling. I have been on girls weekends to let my hair down after having my DS and guess what, didn’t cheat, had a great time and returned to my wonderful husband who supported me in going.

If you can’t trust your partner to go away without you, don’t be with them

Of course you can go on holiday ? Go alone on a long weekend.

i don’t get why you guys can’t take turns for childcare with each going away. It’s not his fault your mates wont go.

I wish women wouldn’t sacrifice their personal lives and friendships the altar of motherhood martyrdom. Neither your children nor your partners will thank you.

plan a trip go a way, decompress. I don’t think he should be grumbling about the expense of a family holiday though.

There's a few elements to this that would make me more or less angry.

Money - can you afford for him to go on these trips comfortably (and could you afford to do the same, if you wanted?). If the answer was that it's only possible because you don't do the same, for example, that'd be a hard no, but if not then not the end of the world. Does sound like there's at least some cost consideration in here for him though, so that would piss me off.

Time alone - how supportive is he/would he be abouty you doing your own solo trips/trips with friends? If he's fine with it/would be fine with it and you're just choosing not to (I have a friend who refuses to take trips with us because 'well I just can't' even though her husband is perfectly capable and encourages her to do so, which is a bit martyr-y, but if you get your own time to do things you enjoy outside of holidays that's up to you). Your 'I can't do the same as I have responsibilities' strikes me as a bit martyr-y, too. So does he, but you pick up the slack when he's gone - why can't he do the same the other way round? I have plenty of friends whose husbands do just that when they come away with me for holidays. Obviously if he's refusing to give you the same time to yourself, for whatever purposes, again it's a hard no for me. Ditto if he spends 4 nights a week doing a hobby and this holiday is an additional time away from family - if his holidays with pals are his only real checking out of parenting time outside of work, then I'd have no issue with it.

Location - you lose me a bit here, unless e.g. you could only afford to go to this destination once every few years and you'd rather do it as a family. As long as it was affordable/wasn't taking up an experience we'd not ALSO be able to do the equivalent of together I don't think I'd care where DH went on holiday, even if it was a luxury resort type thing. And given that I'd probably find a short haul with kids easier and less of a waste of money than taking kids somewhere really fancy while they're too young to care or appreciate it, I don't necessarily think it's terrible that he's suggesting Europe for a family holiday.

Basically, I think that as long as you can afford it I'd be rallying your friends and getting something of your own booked in!

What on earth are you on about? Maybe you've got dodgier friends than me or maybe your idea of a holiday exclusively includes going on the pull but I'm perfectly capable of having a holiday with my friends that's not 'asking for trouble'.

I would let him book it. Then I would quietly book the same time, place, hotel etc and then rock up at the airport saying hey itsnt it great we are doing a family holiday

I’m always amazed at how people will just accept shitty behaviour off partners.
pick yourself respect up off the floor and have serious conversation with him about parenting and being in a relationship.
people treat you how you allow them .

If this were me, I’d be spending this evening making a list of potential places I would like to go and book yourself a weeks holiday

Book yourself a holiday and pack your bags!

I have absolutely nothing against my husband going away with his friends, nor would he have an issue if I wanted to, but neither of us would do it at the expense of our family holiday and neither of us would just announce it as a plan before discussing it first.

I wouldn’t be getting even by going on a solo trip myself I’d be telling DP that if he wants to continue in this relationship he needs to stop treating me like a doormat and booking week holidays without considering my feelings or our child’s. There’s no way I’d put up with no family holiday due to costs and being with child for a week abroad but happy to book with mates.

Getting even is just papering over the cracks, although I do think you should have more me time.

Tell him you've booked a week away for yourself and watch him tell you it's different, give you a hundred reasons why you can't go and sulk.

He's not a husband, and he's living as a single man, very self indulgent, but OP can choose to have solo holidays too.

My husband stag do abroad was a weekend hiking with his two best mates for 30 years in the arse end of no where

The last hen I went to abroad was a 3 day Swiss health retreat (sublime)

have you ever been on a hen do abroad @Allseeingallknowing has your partner?

So basically… bluff 🙄

You would leave your baby and other children in the hands of a useless turd like this?

and let’s say you did, you’d manage to relax???

No. Why would it be a bluff? Why wouldn't she book it?
🙄

You would have happy leaving a baby and other young children in his care?

You would be able to kick back and relax knowing your baby and young children was in his care?

ok

Tell him if he wants a single lads holiday he can take one as a single man.

OP hasn't posted anything to indicate the man is a useless turd incapable of parenting the kids he made?