Bank of Mum and Dad and disrespect - request they finance their own.

[Mumofadultkid]

Please bear with me there is a lot to this, and please be gentle with your comments - this has put me into a tailspin and I am crying every day.

We have helped our DD and her partner into a house, by releasing equity from our home and getting a revolving mortgage on their behalf. It was a significant amount and has put us years back in clearing our own mortgage. (We are fast approaching retirement!) They agreed to pay a certain amount each month to clear it, but they have defaulted on this 3 times already. The house is a movable house (not a caravan but movable) and is on our land. They use our services but only pay a small amount towards utilities such as electricity.

In the past, we have bought her two cars, one we agreed to pay for and the other we got the loan in our name for her to pay us back as she couldn't secure a loan at the time and I said its cheaper this way than paying all that interest. The second car loan, she paid a couple of payments, barely anything - then she started again with the attacks and said "it's all about the money with you", as a result of that - we said it's not about the money - keep the car! (On reflection, I now know this was the wrong thing to do)

She is always combative and looks for anything to have a go at us with, it really is anything - a post I may have put up, she interprets it as an attack on her, if I say something (even nothing to do with her) she interprets as an attack on her. If we don't respond in a way that she wants - "we were not excited enough", or we don't support her, or we are abusive, toxic narcissists. I noticed this as a young teen, where she claimed to her friends that a teacher had looked her up and down, funnily judging her outfit - she didn't! There was no looking up and down. The teacher said hi, Where are the others and that was it! Its been going on for years.

She can't maintain friendships, and has actually been quite nasty to some of them - pointing out "their toxic traits" - she has had three jobs never longer than a year, all of which have ended because she feels she is better than everyone, everyone is stupid and doesn't know what they are doing, and she is quite rightly (in her mind) pointing out everything that is wrong with the organisation to her managers!

She recently left her job to start her own business which is not going very well!

Her partner had a great job, but due to her "interference", he has had to move teams. She went in with him to "talk to his managers" because of "bullying behaviour from the team". It wasn't. The team he worked with was warning him because in a short space of time, he had moved in with her, and is now fully supporting her financially. He has sold his car to fund her business, he has reduced his hours to be with her (resulting in a significant drop in salary) and no longer sees his friends - she actually said to his managers face, "It's bad management".!!!!

She came away quite smug, that "she told them what's what".

Her partner was so lovely, and still is - when he came on the scene, he really calmed her down, and we thought finally someone to help her see things a little bit more clearly and a different perspective. We had such a lovely time with him, but that soon changed! He even approached me to ask how to deal with her, and he said she's feisty!

We met his family, and his family sent a message to him telling him what lovely people my husband and I are as we were driving home - and I remember then grabbing the steering wheel tightly in panic (I was driving home) and thinking she is not going to like that! (DD)

Now, he has been turned against us and is sending us horrible messages as a result of a non-event again. Its clear that she is nudging him to say these things and I suspect she is using his account to get to us ( I had to mute/block her because of the vitriol she kept sending). He called my husband names and is accusing us of lying! (This was the discussion over payment of the mortgage - he said we are lying because they can pay what they want when they want, we advised them this is true, but that is not the agreement we had; they need to make regular payments as agreed.)

It feels like she is nice to get what she wants, but as soon as she gets it she looks for and creates drama to cut us out of her life. I admit that in the past, in panic, I have bowed down.

But this time, she attacked me in my workplace, sending emails to my boss and trying to make me look incompetent. Luckily for me, my boss just ignored them, but said that she (DD) was definitely trying to ruin my reputation.

We live in a very small town, she tells lies constantly, and I am lost. I don't know what to do. It feels like she twists everything to drive a narrative that she is the victim and we are the nasties. Its so heartbreaking.

We had a message that she no longer wishes to have a relationship with us, due to our toxic behaviour and emotional abuse - she ended it with " I wish you both well". Yet she is still living on our land, with a debt in our name and using our facilities.

We don't want to cut her off, we don't want to appear to be petty or reactive.

I want to tell them to get their own loan, to clear our loan and then get it moved off. But I don't think they can now.

I have blocked her socials and her emails to stop the onslaught - is that petty? Am I just as bad as her for behaving like this?

And I'm afraid this feeds into her narrative about us. I want a relationship with her, but this pattern is so draining and exhausting. We are constantly walking on eggshells around her - if we explain this to her, she then uses that against us and turns the narrative to say she is the one walking on eggshells. It feels like she is AI, she's learning all these things from us to then accuse us of what she is doing - if that makes sense?

I don't know what to do.

Am I right to block all contact and request they get their own finance and move their house - or will this just inflame the situation and prevent any way back.

To be honest, your daughter is beyond help now.

I hope your top priority today is seeking legal help as to the ownership status of the mobile home and how to assert yourselves to evict them as soon as possible.

As an aside, living with such prolonged and irreconcilable stress may eventually affect the health of you or your husband. I suggest you update and make your wills as watertight as possible and also think about how to future-proof for POAs etc. I personally would not leave her a penny!

Your daughter is the absolute textbook definition of a narcissist.

She's not going to change and you won't have a relationship with her. You may as well cut your losses, block access to your facilities and send them a solicitor's letter saying they need to repay the loan on the terms agreed or they'll need to repay it immediately in full (assuming you've got some sort of contract with your daughter, otherwise you'll have to write the money off). You can tell them to move their mobile home off your land and serve them an eviction notice for that. I'm sorry. Good luck.

This was what came to my mind.

https://ihusannexe.com/

Have you heard the saying ‘what you get for nothing is worth nothing’?

as much as it pains you, you have to cut the financial support (which isn’t appreciated) otherwise it will just continue and leave you in wreck and ruin. She clearly doesn’t care that she has left you in financial uncertainty and has no intention of paying you back. Engage a solicitor, give her notice to leave, cut off access to utilities and then sell the mobile home to cover some of your losses. Protect your assets now, they clearly cannot be trusted.

She is an adult and needs to find her own way in the world. Her partner is nothing to you and hasn’t shown any decency by making sure you have been paid on time.

This is excellent advice

Given that the OP has had to remortgage her own home in order to finance the daughter, it sounds to me as though the daughter's already had her inheritance.

In my experience, the more that you hand over, the more that is expected. I think that many of us take our parents for granted, but some people simply don't grow out of that phase.

I'll admit that the possibility of the OP's daughter abusing them via a POA was one of the first things that came to my mind.

I'm assuming that in your case, your son persuaded your DH to sign the forms? I'm so sorry.

DH had no idea what he had signed. It is very easy to get a form completed and registered and gives very wide ranging powers. It took considerable cost and legal resource to get the POA removed.

Good point. OP see a solicitor to write your and your dh wills and POA organised so that your dd can never hold this for you or your dh.

I'm glad that you managed to have it removed.

I had POA for each of my parents and for my late husband. In both cases, the solicitor was careful to ensure that they understood what they were signing. (Only Mum had dementia.). Yes - I can imagine that if someone were to tackle this without a solicitor that it would be easy to commit fraud.

In the case of my husband, the solicitor insisted on speaking to him in private. (DH was older than me and in poor health, so I can quite understand why the solicitor would do this, even though DH's son was named as back-up.)

I'm so sorry that you've had to endure this.

You need professional advice. Legal for yourself and husband's financial situation, and psychiatric for how to deal with your cuckoo of a daughter. It seems unlikely that you wouldn't have tried before now to get psychiatric input as regards her difficulties but then again you seem to believe you can handle this nicely yourself, so maybe it's never occurred to you that she might have what sounds like a major personality disorder? Unaddressed it will ruin her life and that of everyone who loves her. I'm sorry if this sounds unkind, but sleep on it, take some deep breaths, and then get on the phone and talk to trustworthy counsel.

Sadly you have created a monster and now don't know how to control it. I think the only thing you can do now is put a very firm boundary between you and her, tell her exactly like it is - tell her it's time to start behaving like a grown up and being responsible for her own actions. Give her a (short) deadline to get off your land, don't give her any extensions. Get the police involved if she won't get off it by your deadline.

I'd also be pre-empting any storytelling about you by contacting the boyfriend's parents and have a frank conversation with them about what the truthful situation really is. You owe it to them to try and protect their son from being manipulated by your daughter too.

Sorry, I didn't mean this to sound like victim-blaming but I realise it might come across that way. It's entirely possible that your daughter does have a personality disorder, but unfortunately the fact you've not recognised this possibility and therefore how to deal with it has meant that the issues have only deepened over time.

If you can find some professional help it might be of use.

Very sorry to hear of your situation - I asked ChatGPT to draft a letter which is surprisingly good.

Below is a draft of a respectful, calm, and legally aware letter you could send to your daughter and her partner. It avoids emotional escalation, keeps the focus on facts and practicalities, and establishes healthy boundaries.

Subject: Financial Agreement and Future Arrangements

Dear [Daughter's Name] and [Partner's Name],

We want to begin by saying this is not an easy message to write, and it comes after a great deal of thought, emotion, and discussion. Our intention is not to hurt, punish, or distance you — but to bring clarity and boundaries to a situation that has become emotionally and financially unsustainable for us.

As you know, we have supported you in a number of ways over recent years, including:

• Releasing equity from our home to help with your accommodation.
• Taking out a loan in our name.
• Helping with cars and utilities.

While these decisions were made with love, they have placed a significant financial and emotional burden on us, particularly as we move towards retirement. Our expectation was always that the agreed repayments would be honoured. Unfortunately, this has not happened consistently.

We need to be absolutely clear: this arrangement must change.

Going Forward:

1. *Repayment of Loan / Transfer of Debt*

We request that you begin the process of seeking a loan or financial product in your own names to repay the outstanding amount, so we can settle the mortgage held in our name.

We would like a formal repayment plan to be in place by [insert date, e.g. three months from now]*.

• If this isn’t possible, we will need to explore other legal routes to resolve this.

1. *Use of Land and Services*

As the property is on our land, and you continue to use our utilities, we need a new agreement in writing:

• A clear monthly contribution towards electricity, water, and general upkeep.
• Agreement on an end date for this current arrangement if repayment is not made.

1. *Communication*

• We have experienced significant emotional distress as a result of recent messages and actions. We ask that all future communication be kept respectful and be made via email only*.
• Any further personal attacks or defamatory claims will result in us seeking formal protection and ceasing all communication.

A Note from the Heart

We want a healthy relationship with you — one based on mutual respect, honesty, and boundaries. We are open to rebuilding that if and when the situation improves and we are treated with basic courtesy.

At the same time, we have to take care of ourselves. Right now, we feel we are being used without consideration for our wellbeing — emotionally, financially, and personally.

This is not easy. But it is necessary.

We wish you well in your future and hope that in time, a better relationship can emerge.

With love,
[Your Name(s)]

Top & bottom of it, you can't afford it.

Sell their home & recoup what you can.

I wouldn't give advance notice as she'll probably trash it!

I have a sister like this, she knows everything and is better than everyone! She’s now 50 and is still leeching off our parents. My advice is to cut her off, she’s not suddenly going to become nice just because you keep giving her money.

I agree with PPs who have read this and think a Personality Disorder may be involved here. The link below might be helpful in trying to develop strategies to help you maintain a relationship with your daughter as you do sound like you want that.

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/personality-disorder/helping-someone-diagnosed-with-personality-disorder/

Other things to consider in the longer run are things like Mental Health First Aid courses and support groups, anything to try and help you understand why she is acting the way she is and helping to protect you from the inevitable impact of these situations.

You do sound like you are really trying, I feel for you.

ETA: this isn't to say that your daughter definitely has a PD, just that a lot of the behaviours overlap with what you describe so the same strategies may be useful.

Given the past history I’m wondering why on earth you set your own finances back to provide this funding. You’ve been enabling her behaviour with regard to finances for a long time and it needs to stop.

I think @CakeBlanchett has provided an excellent first response, and I’d be doing that, alongside consulting a solicitor on the best way forward. And I would certainly be ready for any trashing of your reputation on SM or anywhere else. You need to go in all guns blazing now, regardless of the effect on the relationship - you’ve put her first for too long and coming up to retirement, you should be putting yourselves first.

It’s not really clear how it’s got to this stage, but reading between the lines & about the car, I think you’ve probably been a bit soft on her over the years. And rather than appreciate your generosity & forgiveness, she’s thrown it back in your face.
Quite frankly, (taking your account at face value), she treats everyone in her life like shit. I wouldn’t stand for it. She might be your daughter, but she’s not considering you are her parents when she behaves like this.
Considering how much money you’ve forked out to subsidise her so far, I’d spend a bit of money getting some good legal advice. With the view to evicting her & her bf from your land. If she wants a relationship, she needs to work to rebuild it. As for money going forward, she’d be lucky to get a cuppa tea out of me going forward.
Unfortunately, some people are utter pricks. Doubly unfortunate is when that prick is your child. Doesn’t mean you have to tolerate it though.

Well it would help if @Mumofadultkid came back...! 😅

I would take the house back, and ask them to leave your property. If she still has the car in your name then sell it. I know you want a relationship with her, but in her current state that doesn’t sound like a possibility. She needs to have consequences for her actions and something to happen that will hopefully make her reflect on her behaviour. Currently she knows that if she gets angry you’ll give in and give her whatever she wants. Tell her you’re willing to have contact with her again if she gets MH treatment/counselling and treats you respectfully. She’s not going to have a good life if she continues this behaviour with work, family, friends, partners, so it really does need drastic intervention.

Children that haven’t been offered everything on a plate are the ones that have respect and understand the value of money from what I’ve seen.

⬆️ This. I see on MN parents who bleat about always having bought their kids everything they ever wanted, and they still behave like little shits! Why do this? Kids don't have to be bought everything going!

I was a tight wad with my kids in their teen years and they learnt to appreciate all they have, eventually.

I have been good to them later in life (they are in their 30s) and I have a saying... "I love spoiling unspoilt children"
They are so so appreciative of anything I do for them.
I just could not have coped with an entitled brat.
I have a friend (more of an ex friend really). She spoilt her 3 boys from day one. Her and her DH bought each them properties. They don't even send her a birthday card!!

I’m so sorry OP. The only hope for a future relationship with your daughter comes from tough love now.
Rescind the loan and kick her off your land.
Then wait for a few years and hope she finds her way…

Yes, the "accusing you of doing the thing she's actually doing to you" thing is a recognised technique - look up DARVO.

Separate your finances from hers as much as you legally can and never give her another penny. You don't have to "cut her off" - but you may well find that once you're not bankrolling her, she shows very little interest in seeing you. Believe what she's telling you - you may love her, but she doesn't love you. Sorry.

Think very carefully about what goes in your will, who the executors are, who's named as next of kin on your NHS records, who has power of attorney and all that. She's the type who would cheat / steal given the chance.

Please update us on your decision. Put you and your husband first.