Bank of Mum and Dad and disrespect - request they finance their own.

[Mumofadultkid]

Please bear with me there is a lot to this, and please be gentle with your comments - this has put me into a tailspin and I am crying every day.

We have helped our DD and her partner into a house, by releasing equity from our home and getting a revolving mortgage on their behalf. It was a significant amount and has put us years back in clearing our own mortgage. (We are fast approaching retirement!) They agreed to pay a certain amount each month to clear it, but they have defaulted on this 3 times already. The house is a movable house (not a caravan but movable) and is on our land. They use our services but only pay a small amount towards utilities such as electricity.

In the past, we have bought her two cars, one we agreed to pay for and the other we got the loan in our name for her to pay us back as she couldn't secure a loan at the time and I said its cheaper this way than paying all that interest. The second car loan, she paid a couple of payments, barely anything - then she started again with the attacks and said "it's all about the money with you", as a result of that - we said it's not about the money - keep the car! (On reflection, I now know this was the wrong thing to do)

She is always combative and looks for anything to have a go at us with, it really is anything - a post I may have put up, she interprets it as an attack on her, if I say something (even nothing to do with her) she interprets as an attack on her. If we don't respond in a way that she wants - "we were not excited enough", or we don't support her, or we are abusive, toxic narcissists. I noticed this as a young teen, where she claimed to her friends that a teacher had looked her up and down, funnily judging her outfit - she didn't! There was no looking up and down. The teacher said hi, Where are the others and that was it! Its been going on for years.

She can't maintain friendships, and has actually been quite nasty to some of them - pointing out "their toxic traits" - she has had three jobs never longer than a year, all of which have ended because she feels she is better than everyone, everyone is stupid and doesn't know what they are doing, and she is quite rightly (in her mind) pointing out everything that is wrong with the organisation to her managers!

She recently left her job to start her own business which is not going very well!

Her partner had a great job, but due to her "interference", he has had to move teams. She went in with him to "talk to his managers" because of "bullying behaviour from the team". It wasn't. The team he worked with was warning him because in a short space of time, he had moved in with her, and is now fully supporting her financially. He has sold his car to fund her business, he has reduced his hours to be with her (resulting in a significant drop in salary) and no longer sees his friends - she actually said to his managers face, "It's bad management".!!!!

She came away quite smug, that "she told them what's what".

Her partner was so lovely, and still is - when he came on the scene, he really calmed her down, and we thought finally someone to help her see things a little bit more clearly and a different perspective. We had such a lovely time with him, but that soon changed! He even approached me to ask how to deal with her, and he said she's feisty!

We met his family, and his family sent a message to him telling him what lovely people my husband and I are as we were driving home - and I remember then grabbing the steering wheel tightly in panic (I was driving home) and thinking she is not going to like that! (DD)

Now, he has been turned against us and is sending us horrible messages as a result of a non-event again. Its clear that she is nudging him to say these things and I suspect she is using his account to get to us ( I had to mute/block her because of the vitriol she kept sending). He called my husband names and is accusing us of lying! (This was the discussion over payment of the mortgage - he said we are lying because they can pay what they want when they want, we advised them this is true, but that is not the agreement we had; they need to make regular payments as agreed.)

It feels like she is nice to get what she wants, but as soon as she gets it she looks for and creates drama to cut us out of her life. I admit that in the past, in panic, I have bowed down.

But this time, she attacked me in my workplace, sending emails to my boss and trying to make me look incompetent. Luckily for me, my boss just ignored them, but said that she (DD) was definitely trying to ruin my reputation.

We live in a very small town, she tells lies constantly, and I am lost. I don't know what to do. It feels like she twists everything to drive a narrative that she is the victim and we are the nasties. Its so heartbreaking.

We had a message that she no longer wishes to have a relationship with us, due to our toxic behaviour and emotional abuse - she ended it with " I wish you both well". Yet she is still living on our land, with a debt in our name and using our facilities.

We don't want to cut her off, we don't want to appear to be petty or reactive.

I want to tell them to get their own loan, to clear our loan and then get it moved off. But I don't think they can now.

I have blocked her socials and her emails to stop the onslaught - is that petty? Am I just as bad as her for behaving like this?

And I'm afraid this feeds into her narrative about us. I want a relationship with her, but this pattern is so draining and exhausting. We are constantly walking on eggshells around her - if we explain this to her, she then uses that against us and turns the narrative to say she is the one walking on eggshells. It feels like she is AI, she's learning all these things from us to then accuse us of what she is doing - if that makes sense?

I don't know what to do.

Am I right to block all contact and request they get their own finance and move their house - or will this just inflame the situation and prevent any way back.

Whose name is their house in? If yours, kick them out and rent it to cover the loan payment. If theirs, take them to small claims court for the repayments they owe you to date. Your daughter will not have any respect for you while you keep being such a doormat. There is no amount of kindness that will be enough to someone so entitled. You need to let her stand on her own two feet and prioritise your own life.

This must all be so painful for you, I'm sorry. Haven't had time to RTFT but agree with those saying mental health issues/narcissism on your DD's part. If anyone's toxic it's her, given the behaviour you've described. Quite honestly at this point I think she needs the safety net pulling out from under her. You've been trying to do good things for her and she's throwing them back in your face, systematically rejecting you and causing havoc in your life - I know she's your daughter but she's also an adult and if this is her chosen way of interacting with you, then she doesn't deserve your help at this point in her life. Who knows, a 'short sharp shock' might even wake her up to how vile she's being, although I wouldn't count on it. But either way I think you need to withdraw from her for your own sake, this must be destroying you.

Urgh she sounds a nightmare! Go no contact, OP

Who owns the mobile home, you or her?

I hope it’s in your name.

She needs to be evicted and you need to rent it out to someone else to cover your loan.

Children that haven’t been offered everything on a plate are the ones that have respect and understand the value of money from what I’ve seen.

Please don’t think I’m judging you, I’ve got terrible experience of this myself 💐

To be honest it sounds like you have continued to treat her like a child and now she is continuing to act like one, only now because she is an adult her child like behaviour is backed by adult power.

A lot of kids go through a "spoilt teenager" phase before they appreciate more what their parents do for them. It seems like your child has not come out of it.

I think at some point I think children do need to grow up and take responsibility for their own life, own costs, own housings etc. Once they go through this process they learn how difficult/easy it is, and appreciate help more. After that point when they have tried to do it by themselves I think a good parent will step in with some assistance if they have the capability (not every parent can afford it).

It doesn't sound like your child has gone through this process and therefore isn't in any way appreciative of what you do for her.

It's not all on you of course. Her general attitude does not sound great, for whatever reason she seems not to be a pleasant person. But that is the way some people get if they don't find their own feet.

I have posted previously about our son. When DH fell ill with dementia he took out a power of attorney to try and access money. He has continually been supported by us, but in his view it was never enough. Nothing ever really would be. We gave him 40k for a deposit, but this was a "paltry sum" in his view. When we challenged the POA he raised a safeguarding complaint with Social Services.

It takes some getting your head around that your own child will behave like this. He has been quite clear that any money we have earned is actually his and that we should not be spending it. He visits DH rarely but on his last visit he took him shopping (DH still has a debit card) and spent a large sum on himself- when we queried this he simply smiled and said Dad said it would be ok.

I would split the way to deal with this into the emotional and the practical. On the practical side take legal advice as soon as possible. Be clear that you will protect yourself and make sure you have managed all possible risks. In my son's case, he thought nothing of breaking into the house when we were not there and have trying to hack into emails. All of this needs to be secure. Also document everything well and make sure there was an audit trail. DS is fond of telling DH that we never sent him birthday cards so I have kept the ones we sent and recently have sent on Moonpig so there is a trail. I

ME, nothing you will do is going to make the level of entitlement any less, there is not a magic piece of family therapy (he would never go), or sensible discussion which will sort this. You do very sadly need to accept this and (perhaps for a while), need to accept the relationship is severely estranged.

In short, you have to protect yourself OP.

Honestly, what decent adult would see their near retirement parents take on extra mortgage?

You really do need to look after yourselves Op.

Sure as hell she wouldn't do anything for you!

You need professional help

she has a serious mental health issue which isn’t going to be resolved with a sit down stern chat

I see it as you either chuck them out cut her off or allow her carry on paying her mortgage and allowing her to use you

of course cut all means of communication while it is so abusive and inform your workplace and anyone else of the difficulties you are having in case of malicious communications ( keep a record for the police )

this is heartbreaking, so sorry

Like everyone else has said, as hard as it is to hear, your daughter needs to start standing on her own two feet. She can't expect to keep taking from you, and then to disrespect you into the bargain.

I think you need to ask her to leave your property and make her own way in the world.

Jesus wept.

What a horror story.

Your dd is a nightmare in every sphere of her life.

And of course it's all about the money. Because she's taking the total piss.

Put a stop to it.

Sorry to say this but you've raised a brat. Get them evicted and put the house up for sale.

OP:
Have they put any of their own money into the mobile home?

If not, evict them . It is not reactive or petty.

Evict them and rent it to a reliable tenant, or AirBnB.

You know now that your Dd is happy to exploit you financially and manipulate and abuse you emotionally.

She already tells you she thinks you are abusive and all about the money so what do you have to lose?

Come on, get real.

I am so sorry this has happened but there is no magic solution whereby she apologises and pays you the owed money in a haze of roses.

Take back control over your own lives.

Is it possible to just drive a mobile home off one day and sell it, then you could clear the debt? If you can do that to the car, why not the mobile home too?
Obviously this would be a huge escalation but you may eventually get to the point where you have to. Do you have keys to the car/mobile home? Does she have keys to your home?

@Sunholidays

wtf?! She doesn’t deserve a penny of inheritance! Cut her out of the will altogether, and leave the money it to cancer research/ macmillan

Can you cut off the utilities to their home? The feeder water and electric to the static in my caravan are in my house on a seperate circuit so can turn them off.

She's taking you for an absolute mug. She needs a harsh life lesson. Not sure you'll see your money again though 😔

@MikeRafone

Maybe that’s where I’ve gone wrong. I’m easy pickings as a sole home owner .

I would take back everything that you have given her in cash and asset that you can. The only funding I would offer her in the future is to pay for psychiatric help. She sounds mentally ill.

Am I right to block all contact and request they get their own finance and move their house
Yes you are right to do this. See a solicitor asap

or will this just inflame the situation and prevent any way back.
Yes, almost certainly. But in all honesty do you want a way back? It sounds like she has always been like this and she is not getting any better. If you don't cut contact it will only get worse. I am sure it will hurt terribly, but it will hurt even worse if you let her just carry on abusing you and ruin you financially.

OP you ask if YWBU to ask her to move "her" house. It's your house - you are paying for it. You can and should move it yourself. You can in fact sell it to clear the debt. You don't want to but it may be the only way out.

Yes if it’s a mobile home and in your name I would contact a dealer to buy it off you and take it away . I’d tell your daughter the day before collection to allow her to remove her belongings and move on.

This is one of those threads where I would love the OP to come back in a few weeks to say they have engaged a solicitor and started legal proceedings to get their assets back.

I hate that there are people like this daughter in the world, spreading misery and ruining lives at every turn.

You are giving her tons of support and she is still bad mouthing you! It can't really be worse than that, can it.

She sounds like a very difficult personality to deal with, but once you stop supporting her she will need to either earn her own way or go to others for help - possibly her partner's parents. Once this happens she will almost certainly start treating them the same way and people will realise very quickly who is the problem.

I think you will possibly have a very uncomfortable time initially but you must cut her off for now, explain calmly and clearly what your reasons are and emphasise that you are always open to reconciliation, but on your terms. For whatever reason it is her who's behaving badly.

If the house moves, then move it - then sell it

No one is going to be horrible on here.. some good sensible advice, PLEASE take it,get legal advice..I have a good friend almost 70 in a similar situation with her 40 year old son,in fact I was debating posting on MN for advice, because he has put on his FB page last week,he's jobless (that's true,he got the sack) that he's going to be living on the streets again! Nes never been on the streets.shes also forked out HUGE sums of money on his behalf,he lives with her,gets everything he wants. She has another son living at home severe learning disabilities never be able to live independently. I want to show her the lies on FB, because he has people offering him food,, money, lodging,my DH said leave well alone.dd said tell her! I've screenshotted the pages because I know he Will deny it.. he's been diagnosed as a sociapath. We went no contact with DH mother and siblings 16 years ago,best thing we ever did. I had similar scenarios with oldest DD at 21, threw her out and went no contact for a couple of years....it worked she turned her life around,tough love.

I echo those suggesting personality disorder. We’ve all done and said things to parents that, on reflection, went a bit too far in the heat of the moment, but trying to trash your reputation in the workplace is a whole other level. That’s dangerous behaviour. Narcissism gets banded around a lot and attributed wrongly in most cases, but narcissism doesn’t sound far off the mark here. With an actual narcissist, the ONLY thing you can do is walk away before they destroy you. There is no way to have a mutually respectful relationship with them.