Family finances how annoyed would you be

[worriedmum8686]

myself and DH have three primary school aged kids. both work full time and earn the same salary. The mortgage and household bills are split 50:50

everything else I pay for
childrens activities
clothes for the children
days out for the children
if we go out for food he looks at me to pay

but what has really annoyed me me this year is that he hasn't paid anything towards our family holiday. It has cost £6000 for 11 days at peak time and he has honestly given me nothing towards it. I paid for the flights, accommodation, car hire and all the kids clothes for going on holiday. He however went on a boys trip in April for four days that cost £1500 had no issue finding the money for that. As I've been paying off the holiday when I ask him what he plans to give towards it he bites my head off so I have just stopped. I also brought the five of us to Disneyland in September as I had came into some money that just about covered it again he didn't even give towards the spending money.

when we are talking with family or friends he doesn't I'll say about how much we have spent on these things. Or jobs aren't great either just your average income

Wow if it’s got to the point that you’re recording conversations to prove back to him what he’s agreed to there’s a problem.

If you pay for all the extras he must have money left over somewhere

Are you sure he isn’t hiding his own money troubles?

I think you need to get to the bottom of that and then look at re-configuring how you split your money.

My husband earns more than me, however we still split the “bills” equally. We both then transfer a set amount into a joint account to cover misc spends for the month such as food, meals out and things needed for our boys. Should the joint account need topping up as we’ve had an expensive month, he does that.

We both contribute to our savings, again he contributes more as he has more surplus. Any holidays/weekends away come from savings we’ve accumulated the years before. This leaves us both with “our own” money to spend how we wish and gives us both our own financial freedom as well.

So he needs to save at the beginning of the month. No-one would have savings if they just spent what they wanted and then looked at the bank account at the end of the month.

If your mortgage and bills come to £2k a month then you each need to paying £1500 into a joint account, with the rest going towards kids and holidays.

So where is his money going? If it's gambling or paying for sex then your marriage is over anyway.

If he's saving it and pretending to be broke then your marriage is still over but in a divorce you might get 50% of that back.

Your only real option is divorce. If you stay then stop spending on him and use that money on yourself to get therapy to find out why you think you deserve to be treated so appallingly, because quite frankly there is no other reason on why a person would accept this. You DO deserve better.

I would lay odds that he will decide that only he should attend. Have you checked on the CMS calculator what he would have to contribute if you were divorced?

So what is he spending his money on?

You need to show him a breakdown of all that you spend in a month and ask him to do the same. He is an unreasonable CF from what I can see.

I have been in your situation - blazing rows, or no holiday. For the sake of the kids I pay. I think a lot of posters here are quick to tell you you are being a mug, but if someone win’t co-operate the only options are (1) rows (2) no holiday (3) you pay & put in all the effort (4) divorce. The fourth option is pretty nuclear tbh. I have thought about divorce a lot but ultimately would be worse off in thd short term.

Oh dear OP, this doesn’t sound good. I was in the same position with XH in 2010, my respect for him gradually died and we divorced in 2016. Both his behaviour (entitled, gaslighting freeloader) and mine (obstinate martyr) got more and more entrenched and we couldn’t row it back.

You had one kid that he refused to contribute towards, why have two more? I wouldn’t even want to look at the cheapskate waster let alone bang him.

Still, that’s history I guess. All you can do now is cut him loose.

I think divorce would be better. Do you really want to grow old with someone who doesn’t respect you.
OP I put YABU because you are allowing this to happen. Next time you out look to your husband every time he looks at you to pay.

I’d be wanting to see his account statements to find out what he’s spending it all on, because you are saving him a fortune by paying for all the DC’s things and food out.

Next year I would go without him. Even if it's a nightmare handing all the kids on your own if still do it. My neighbour left her husband at home because we was refusing to get a job, and went with their young son abroad. They ended up making friends with other 'single' Mums and their kids, who were a great to support. She made friends for life. They're all planning on going in holiday together again next year. Please do it. Don't let him being a knobhead hold you back in life. Xx

bites your head off when you ask about him paying

so biting your head off works....

Id be planning holidays for you and the children

I've voted YABU. and you are- for putting up with this scrotum of a human. I haven't even read all your posts (sorry) but he sounds like an absolute dead weight tbh.

@Bumcake is that about the op or are you replying to another posters info?

You earn the same, you pay all the children expenses yet he has no money? What is he spending it on? Why are you doing all the chores?
If you want to continue in this marriage, sit him down when the kids are not around and he’s not tired. Lay it out for him. You both earn X. Household bills, car, food, CLEANER, childcare, children clothes/clubs etc comes to Y. You open a household account and both put in enough money to cover this. Then open a savings account that you both put an equal amount in for holidays/Christmas type things. Have it automatically transferred from your individual accounts every month. What’s left over in your own accounts can be spent as you individually wish.
Don’t ask him. Say this is a reasonable thing to do in a partnership with equal salaries and equal responsibilities. If he refuses then really think about what this tells you about how he feels about you all as a family.

This is EXCELLENT advice!! 100% agree

Yeah that would be a pretty big turn off if the father of my 3(!) children despite earning same as me was incapable of jointly contributing to all their needs yet is able to swan off on 1.5k lads holiday. He sounds a petty tight man child.

@worriedmum8686 i agree with some of the previous great PP advice to give him a chance to explain why he is incapable of contributing equally to all aspects of HIS family’s life. If you’re not satisfied then there’s some hard thinking to do. At this rate, unless you uncover some sort of gambling addiction, I’d think he’s putting money away for a ‘rainy day’ 🤔

I can't see how you'd be worse off if you split. You're paying for everything anyway.

Leave him home next time. You and DC go on holiday.

Buy him nothing. Not even food.
Don't pay for meals out. Just sit there and look at him.
Don't pay for holidays.

And look to leave the selfish bastard.

What would happen when he looks at you when you're eating out, and you look right back and say 'I've paid the last time, your turn now'

You're married - why is it even possible for it to be a case of he pays / she pays? It's like saying one of the kids is yours and the other is his, or some rooms of the house are his and some are yours. One joint account: all money goes into it, all money comes out of it. Money is joint (like the kids, and your home). Because you're married. Why would you tolerate anything else? Put your foot down.

you should divorce for the sake of your kids.

that would be the most pleasant option for them.

living with people rowing as per option 1 is horrible

option 3 of carrying on doing everything and saying nothing is the worst by far. It might be ok now, although it’s probably combined with option 1 so not very pleasant. But far far worse, is what you’re modelling. This will be what your children learn - that women run themselves ragged, and men do what they like. It’s a terrible message. It means that in twenty years time, your daughters will be writing a message like the ops, having made a terrible choice in husband because her bar will be so so low.