Family finances how annoyed would you be

[worriedmum8686]

myself and DH have three primary school aged kids. both work full time and earn the same salary. The mortgage and household bills are split 50:50

everything else I pay for
childrens activities
clothes for the children
days out for the children
if we go out for food he looks at me to pay

but what has really annoyed me me this year is that he hasn't paid anything towards our family holiday. It has cost £6000 for 11 days at peak time and he has honestly given me nothing towards it. I paid for the flights, accommodation, car hire and all the kids clothes for going on holiday. He however went on a boys trip in April for four days that cost £1500 had no issue finding the money for that. As I've been paying off the holiday when I ask him what he plans to give towards it he bites my head off so I have just stopped. I also brought the five of us to Disneyland in September as I had came into some money that just about covered it again he didn't even give towards the spending money.

when we are talking with family or friends he doesn't I'll say about how much we have spent on these things. Or jobs aren't great either just your average income

if You both earn the same, what is he spending all of his money on?

This doesn’t make sense. Why would you pay for all the kids expenses when you have the same income??
Tell him now that from next month he is paying 100% of all bills, in addition to 50% of the mortgage, and you are paying for the kids expenses. If he says he has no money tell him that you don’t have any either as you earn the same.
Re holidays. He should pay half otherwise he doesn’t go. But stop booking things and then expecting him to pay! Ask him for the money first (half the total cost, not just his plane ticket).

Don’t pay for him to come on holiday. If you need the help, bring a friend. I highly doubt he is much help though. Stop doing his laundry, don’t cook for him.

OP I feel for you having had a similar situation with my DH previously. I was paying for a lot more until I put my foot down and gave him the option of either paying equally for kids clothes, activities, days out, things for the house, Xmas and Bdays. OR he could sort it all and take on the admin and I would pay half. You can probably guess which option he went for I had to do a hard reset to get to that by handing over the full Xmas prep, from teacher cards to seeing Santa and everything inbetween. My kids are older now and I take them away when it suits me and pay for everything, i dont take my DH. The last time I did this he gave me £1000 without me asking. In terms of household chores we now split cooking, I do cleaning and laundry, he does DIY. This suits us both as we have a renovation ongoing and we save so much money by him doing the work. Our next family holiday he has paid for and I have a standing order set up to pay my half monthly. This is easier than me constantly chasing payment because I paid for it. Finally my kids know and appreciate what I did for them, they tell DH openly that he doesn't take them anywhere etc, he doesn't like it but it's true. I spend time with my kids and if it involves my spending more money so be it but then I don't invite him along for a free ride. You can reset but you have to be really honest with yourself. Take him off both holiday bookings unless he is paying, take someone else or lose the money to make your point. You absolutely can look after your children abroad, once you have done it you will have so much more confidence. It is really liberating. Please know your worth and value and make sure you tell him too x

Gambling? You need to find out where his money goes
Mine paid extra into his pension, without a word, goodness knows what else he does, as he’s very secretive

I couldn’t do this. Would give me the ick so badly I would leave him.

How can that be? What else is he spending it on? he needs to justify that.
He looks to you to pay for meals out ...every time? what a free loader!!

Its spreadsheet time.
List all the family things that you have paid for solo..
Put it in categories.
The children's expenses
The meals out
The holiday.
Add it all up...Print it out and hand it to him.

Same deal . What he's spent on family stuff. bills etc..

Ask why the big difference... what has he done with the other half and why is he always broke, or says he is?
Then tell him your proposal..
If you have all this printed out, worked out. ..it will firm up how you say it.. you won't doubt yourself and will be less open to gaslighting and whining and he will find it hard not to agree to joint pot for joint expenses ( tho you will have to watch that he doesn't under pay into that with a poor me excuse)

If they are his children he should be responsible for 50% of all their costs. If he is coming on the holiday he should be contributing his share and half the children’s.

Really why are you accepting this? He bites your head off? Bite his head off! Stick up for yourself. Stop being a doormat.

he will say...well I shouldn't have to pay I don't want to go

To which your reply is that your joint children want to go - so if he doesn't then he can stay at home provided he pays half of the costs for the children and pays you 50% of the cost of a full time holiday nanny to compensate you for the 50% of the time he should have been looking after the DC whilst away. (50% of the holiday costs would be cheaper...)

He's awful.. and he's a CF.
He's worked out the best way of manipulating you to pay.. and continues to style it out even when confronted with evidence of total lie.
The fact that you had to record this proves he's done this many times.

What a prince.

He is a twat bit it is not financial abuse, everyoe shouts abuse these days for things that are not abuse.

She is booking holidays because she wants, nobody isputting a gun to her head. She books him because she needs his help during the holiday. She can stop doing thsi when she wants and has been her choice until now. She could stop buying food for him too, stop cooking for him, this is very much in her control, and can stop providing these things for him whenever she wants. It is not fair ans must stop but it is not abuse.

But he's also forcing her to pay for the kids' expenses even though they earn the same.

Of course he’s financially abusing her. He’s contributing to the mortgage and household bills and nothing else. She may have a choice about holidays but not about the needs of their children, and he’s not contributing to that either. And when she brings it up he shouts her down to shut down the conversation. That’s abuse in my book.

This sounds like a fundamental difference in priorities between the two of you. You're trying to create a family that goes on holidays together and prioritises experiences for your children. Your husband seems like he doesn't want to spend money on family holidays nor your children.

He wants to spend any excess money after mortgage and bills on himself. I'm wondering whether he even wanted children deep down and resents the set up you're trying so hard to promote. Is he fully engaged with the children or are you dragging him along for the ride? A lot of men find ways to check out of family life and leave it to the wife. He certainly sees it as your responsibility to pay for your children.

It's become a bit of a power battle and as you've realised you are powerless to get the money out of him. Is it his way at protesting about family life?! I doubt you'd be able to force him to pay up front either no matter what you say to him. His aggressiveness is very effective in getting you to back down.

So what are your options, counselling to get to the bottom of this and come to a compromise or leave the relationship. You can't force your husband to become a family man.

This is not a question of mild annoyance. Your DH is abusive, both financially and emotionally.

Why don’t you agree an amount you both keep for personal use each month.. then everything else is in a joint account for family expenses?

Ah yes and she is providing everything for the kids because they are her kids so DUH and even though they are his kids too it’s not abuse that he doesn’t…
you don’t know what financial abuse is.

Hopefully that is where it goes as then she can get her share in the divorce.

or more children

firstly he’s an absolute cock lodger. He pays half the bills but you pick up EVERYTHING else!

secondly he’s an absolute lazy twat. He does NOTHING, you pick up all the childcare, cooking and cleaning.

come on op, you surely can’t have to ask if you’re being unreasonable here?!

from next month on you both need to put an extra amount of ££’s into a joint account for holidays and stuff for the children. You need to stop paying for anything over and above.

as for the housework and childcare, if he won’t contribute he doesn’t get his food cooked or his laundry done.

tbh apart from some help with the dc on holiday what is the point of him

Sorry OP sounds like you’re being properly mugged off. I can’t imagine the world in which my partner didn’t contribute to things like this…

You are letting yourself be taken for a ride. I would not be staying married to him.

So where is all his money going??

You said you earned the same yet your paying for holidays, clothing, days out, etc with your wage so what is he spending all his money on??

We keep separate finances but we have a joint account for all joint expenses (eg days out, kids clothes, holidays, etc as well as bills, mortgage, childcare, food). We put an equal amount into it and it pays for everything. I’ll
occasionally pay for extra days out from ‘my money’ if I take them out without my husband but anything family we pay out of the joint account. I paid for a week away recently out of my money because I took our boys with my mum and my husband only came on the weekend but he offered to pay half of it or for me to take it out of the joint account even though he was only going to be there for 1/4 of the holiday but I was happy to pay for it as an extra.

Honestly OP you need to sit him down and sort this out with him. He needs to contribute towards your children, if he refuses then you’d probably get more out of him through child maintenance.

OP. you need to download the MSE budget planner, then enter all your expenses on there, both monthly and annually. then you enter both of your incomes onto it as well.

He will need to cooperate fully with this, and provide all bank and credit card statements. You sit down together and do this, and then both of you can see exactly how much money is needed for the family each month and you both pay 50/50.

They aren't just your kids, they are his too.

You would probably be better off on your own, with less costs and without him to worry about and less housework too.

He is a selfish pig, not a family man.

Find a friend to go on holiday with in the future. They can pay their own way, but they can pay what it costs to add them on.

If you are married with children, and you plan on staying married, and you trust each other and see yourselves as a team, then you should have a joint account.