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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family finances how annoyed would you be

392 replies

worriedmum8686 · 03/06/2025 23:06

myself and DH have three primary school aged kids. both work full time and earn the same salary. The mortgage and household bills are split 50:50

everything else I pay for
childrens activities
clothes for the children
days out for the children
if we go out for food he looks at me to pay

but what has really annoyed me me this year is that he hasn't paid anything towards our family holiday. It has cost £6000 for 11 days at peak time and he has honestly given me nothing towards it. I paid for the flights, accommodation, car hire and all the kids clothes for going on holiday. He however went on a boys trip in April for four days that cost £1500 had no issue finding the money for that. As I've been paying off the holiday when I ask him what he plans to give towards it he bites my head off so I have just stopped. I also brought the five of us to Disneyland in September as I had came into some money that just about covered it again he didn't even give towards the spending money.

when we are talking with family or friends he doesn't I'll say about how much we have spent on these things. Or jobs aren't great either just your average income

OP posts:
FairKoala · 04/06/2025 12:06

Take someone else on holiday to help with dc. You could offer a discount for them and it would still be cheaper and more fun than taking your dh

I would be also putting in place stuff that will make your life easier when looking after dc.
Chores for them if they are old enough and reins (with extendable dog leads attached) if they are little.
(I had 2 with what turned out to be ADHD which made doing anything a challenge especially as I didn’t know I had ADHD as well)

I would be very suspicious of what he is spending his money on.
would suggest he either is drinking, gambling or has someone else. Or a combination of all 3.
Either way that money isn’t being spent where it should be.

Tell him to give you £300 towards the holidays he has been on and add up his share of dc’s expenditure that you have paid for the previous month and tell him to pay you that when he gets paid. Tell him to budget more effectively as he can’t afford to do whatever it is that he is spending his money on as he can’t afford it.

Also if he can’t help towards school run and house work he needs to pay someone to come in and do his share

Remember in a divorce he will either have to take dc for 1/2 the week so will need to feed and house then and be around to take care of them or he will have to pay CM which he could get no say in if it is taken straight from his salary

He will also have to do all his own cooking, cleaning and laundry.

Time he shaped up or shipped out

Londonmummy66 · 04/06/2025 12:09

If you book a holiday without him you could use the saving you made to not pay for him to pay for some kids clubs whilst away instead - eg if the cost with him is £6k and the cost without him is £4500 then book the £4500 and spend £1500 on kids clubs - you can then have some childfree time to laze in the spa or do an adult touristy thing.

FairKoala · 04/06/2025 12:10

Wouldn’t get involved in his families event.
But I would ask him how is he going to pay for it if he doesn’t have any money at the end of the month to even pay you back

Frostynoman · 04/06/2025 12:12

Can you swap his ticket out for someone else to come and help?

Can you point out that he could either willingly contribute equally or be mandated to if you were to divorce..?

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 04/06/2025 12:12

That’s ridiculous.

LaMontser · 04/06/2025 12:13

I mean children’s clothes and activities and family days out and holidays are household expenses unless your children are adults and earning their own money. So he needs to reframe his understanding of that.

And when he doesn’t do that he needs to go fuck himself.

museumum · 04/06/2025 12:15

How annoyed?? Well, put it this way I wouldn't be married to him anymore.

He's behaving like another one of your children, or worse, a moody teenager you're dragging away on holiday. I could not stand that. I would have pulled him up everytime he tried to get out of his parental responsibilities financially or being an equal parent in terms of planning and financing family holidays and days out and meals, so in your shoes we'd have argued so much by now I'm sure we'd be divorced.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/06/2025 12:16

nomas · 03/06/2025 23:25

Tell him both salaries need to go in a joint account, and all kids stuff, meals out and holidays are paid out of that.

You each get a set amount of spending money.

Surplus money goes into a joint savings account and any use of the savings account has to be jointly decided.

He is taking you for an absolute mug.

If he doesn’t agree, divorce him. He is pretending to the world he is a family man at the expense of your money and your effort in the house and with the kids.

Edited
Show quote history

This!

It’s the only way. His money seems to be all “fun money” for him after the most basic bills, but yours is spent on the family and children. Thats not fair!

Also household chores should all be split equally.

Terrribletwos · 04/06/2025 12:18

worriedmum8686 · 03/06/2025 23:24

he always tells me he will pay but it never happens then it turns into a blazing argument and he will say...well I shouldn't have to pay I don't want to go

This seems to be the crux of the matter, he doesn't want to go, still unfair of him, of course. Why doesn't he want to go?

TisILeClair · 04/06/2025 12:19

YABU to put up with this. What would happen if you or he had an accident and couldn’t work? All income should go into a joint account.

Upinthetreetops · 04/06/2025 12:21

Do you know what his take home pay is? Would half of the mortgage and bills leave him with next to nothing at the end of the month? If the answer is no, he's hiding something.

KateShugakIsALegend · 04/06/2025 12:23

Does no-one do 'completely joint money' anymore?

All this separate money seems weird to me.

Legally isn't it all joint? Shrugs

Mrsbloggz · 04/06/2025 12:27

This man is playing you for a fool op, you have to stop letting him get away with it.
Don't try and explain or make him see your point of view, just stop paying for him!

SoManyIdiotsSoLittleTime · 04/06/2025 12:28

You are being taken for a fool. However you obviously realise this or you wouldn’t be posting on here.

In your situation I would genuinely be looking for a divorce. He has no respect for you or the children.

He sounds like a complete selfish twat.

PercyFredGeorge · 04/06/2025 12:28

I would stop doing all his laundry, ironing, putting clothes away immediately.

also, if he want to do his family wedding, and refuses to pay for this one then pay zero towards it. Or does that suit him, to pay for things only he can do?

GabriellaMontez · 04/06/2025 12:32

So basically you have to pay him to come in holiday with you.

This is not a partnership. Have you started planning how to leave him?

WearyAuldWumman · 04/06/2025 12:36

nomas · 03/06/2025 23:25

Tell him both salaries need to go in a joint account, and all kids stuff, meals out and holidays are paid out of that.

You each get a set amount of spending money.

Surplus money goes into a joint savings account and any use of the savings account has to be jointly decided.

He is taking you for an absolute mug.

If he doesn’t agree, divorce him. He is pretending to the world he is a family man at the expense of your money and your effort in the house and with the kids.

Edited
Show quote history

TBH, I'd be scared to risk a joint account in this situation, in case he spent it all.

Maybe just put an equal amount into a joint account each month? Possibly the OP could set up a separate holiday account with so much going into that from the joint each month?

PurpleThistle7 · 04/06/2025 12:37

BobbleHatsRule · 04/06/2025 08:36

Stay with him and you will always be poor.

Sit down on your own once kids are in bed and work out a survival budget. What is needed to keep the house over your head. Exclude his wage. Add single person council tax. Explore benefit options for single person and child tax credits etc. Be ruthless about your budget. Consider if family will support you for a short duration.

Can you manage? Is he in the sort of job he'd have to pay child maintenance? I.e not self employed. Add that in. Then ditch the selfish git.

One day after you have carried the family he will have an affair possibly. At that point you will be forced to make these decisions. Better to do it now when all future money isn't given to him

This. 100%

lechatnoir · 04/06/2025 12:38

Why on earth aren't children expenses coming out of the join account? Surely this is exactly what a join account is for - joint expenditure?

And the holiday, I'd be changing the name and taking my mum or a mate or just going on my own if that isn't an option. You can manage 3 primary school age children at home you can manage on holiday (& I can't imagine he's much help anyway!).

Whilst you're sorting to redress the balance on your finances, I'd also be looking at the division of labour too as it's bloody ridiculous you're doing everything when you both work full time. He sounds like one of those lazy fuckers that will be quite happy to do bare minimum & leave everything to you. Tell him what nights he's cooking, give him laundry or specific household tasks and stop doing them. And if he won't step up, stop all cooking and laundry for him so he has to at least do his own and then seriously consider if this is how you want to live and model relationships to your children.

MummaMummaMumma · 04/06/2025 12:39

Why are you paying for everything?
Stop.

whitewineandsun · 04/06/2025 12:40

worriedmum8686 · 03/06/2025 23:20

No I do the school run because his commute is longer

I do all the cooking, cleaning, washing I am really feeling burnt out. He tells me that he has no money left at end of the month.

And ....

After 50 percent of bills you pay for
childrens activities
clothes for the children
days out for the children
if you go out for food he looks at you to pay.

Why exactly is he there? No one is that good in bed.

PurpleThistle7 · 04/06/2025 12:40

Also really doubt he's that useful on holiday - might find it's easier without him! I wouldn't be paying for him to join me anywhere from now on, loads of people travel alone with their kids - or you could bring a friend / sibling / whatever if there are additional needs that need extra support.

Rosscameasdoody · 04/06/2025 12:42

worriedmum8686 · 03/06/2025 23:24

he always tells me he will pay but it never happens then it turns into a blazing argument and he will say...well I shouldn't have to pay I don't want to go

The reason it turns into a row every time is to shut you up - if he makes himself unpleasant it shuts things down. I just wouldn’t put up with it and it would be a deal breaker. You both need to sit down and be honest and open about joint income. Split EVERYTHING 50/50, including all the stuff for the kids and then anything left you decide jointly how it’s spent. He can’t just see to himself and then tell you ‘tough I’ve got no money’ and leave you to get on with it I’d be making it clear that it’s either a sit down talk and a reshuffle of the finances to a full 50/50 split or you’re rethinking the marriage. He’s a twat.

Edited to say having a penis doesn’t excuse him from housework/childcare - if you’re both working that should be a 50/50 split too.

Catsandcannedbeans · 04/06/2025 12:43

You don’t have three kids… you’ve got three kids and a manchild. Stop funding him and make him do some bloody house work.

EllieEllie25 · 04/06/2025 12:43

He’s not very nice OP. He turns it into a blazing row to make you back down because he knows it’s completely unfair.

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