My son hates being short.

[MacmillanDo]

My 14 year old son is short for his age - actually, he’s grown in the past few months but he’s still one of the smaller kids in his year.

He’s desperate to be taller and to have a girfriend and he’s sure these two things are linked.

We’ve been talking with the GP about whether we go privately and run general checks to see if he’s got delayed growth - and I suspect we will do this, even though he’s following his father’s trajectory by being v small until about 15 when he grew to about 5ft 8. I’m 5 ft 2.5

I tell him all the time that he has to love who he is, whatever size he gets to and that he’s amazing - genuinely - and handsome, funny, engaging - and will be loved etc - but I also get that this stuff is toxic for boys and he’s at a really self conscious age.

And the truth is, when you read that Tinder is bringing in height filters, I feel really sad for him - because it’s bullshit but it might really impact on his wellbeing.

i don’t know why im posting. Maybe for some advice

To be fair I thought it was about how your son hates being short. Well that's what the title said anyway. I might have misunderstood.

You ask whether you should see a consultant, his height is relevant to that. If he's 5 foot 2 he's probably ok, if he's 4 foot 6 you may want to get him checked over for health.

The 'hes going to the gym and doing what he can' aspect is weird to me. Surely what's important is who he is? That's how people find boyfriends and girlfriends. My brother is 5 foot 7 as an adult, he had girlfriends all through school despite being the shortest of his group of pals. It's the person you are that attracts people. Why are you buying into this idea with him that his appearance is the issue?

Unwillingnes to share his height is so strange if you're this child's mum, because it has, or should have, no bearing on what people think of you or him. Makes me wonder ae you actually the teenager, hoping for some backup from women that women see height as this big, important factor?

If your child, male or female is below the height range for their age, then the talk about nutrition and medical advice is appropriate. If your child is being bullied for something that completely out of their control, the issue is with the bullying, not the characteristeristic that led to the bullying. Attraction and dating preferences are one thing but anyone who fixates on just one issue - height- using it as a filter is pretty shallow and I stand by that comment.

I'd say that's well within ordinary height given his parents heights. If he seems to have stopped growing/doesn't grow for 6 months for example wirth getting a wee check at GP that growth hormones etc are ok. I wouldn't worry at that height personally about anything health related. I'm 5 foot 4 and have been since I was 11. My family the girls seem to grow fast, early and then just stop. So I was one of the tallest until I was 13 or so then everyone overtook me. My brother on the other hand didn't have a real growth spurt I told he was 16 so he was shorter than me u til then.

Exactly this. You can’t go to the GP because your son is short. It’s his genetics - he has two shorter than average parents.

As others have said, find out what he’s looking at online.

@MacmillanDo six months ago my grandson was smaller than me and I am 5 feet tall. he was just 15 in april and is now 6 inches taller so is still growing. I keep saying he is sleeping in a grobag!

I undergrew by over an inch based on that predictor. Given that I'm only 5 ft 2", I feel tragically cheated. 💔

My adult son is 5'5. At that age he felt so low about it because he was sure he'd end up without a girlfriend, and he did get a horrible rejection at a party and spent a year or two watching all his friends start dating.

I spent a lot of time chatting to him about it. I made a list of all the celebrities who were his height and successful with beautiful women, or who had long, happy marriages. I explained that while a lot of women go for height, some find a skinny boyish rockstar look attractive, and some find a short stocky muscly man attractive.

I told him a lot of women find confidence and talent the sexiest things. A not very tall, average looking friend of his who had a lot of success with girls kept saying the same thing. We worked on his confidence, on clothes that looked really good on him. And I pointed out he was a really good musician and should join a band.

When he joined OLD he mentioned his height up front and he was amazed he got a lot of interest. Some women love that boyish look and some are sick of macho men. Once he got over his shyness, he honestly hasn't had any problems. He's currently dating a girl who is much taller than him and in the past dated women a bit taller. He just decided it didn't matter and so do they. He is a musician and so tends to move in a slightly alternative, arty crowd where the women don't go for conventional macho men.

My 17 year old is still small. I think he’s about 5’4. We did go privately for an asssessment and were referred back into the NHS. My sons predicted final height is about 5’8.

if it’s worrying him I would get him checked out. My son had delayed puberty.

Otherwise just keep taking to him. Point out you and his dad are smaller and found each other. 14 is too young for a girlfriend imho anyway!!

Thank you for giving his height, it is really helpful. If you could tell us the centile it would be even more helpful.

Because depending on whether he has just turned 14 or is nearly 15, he is between 25th centile and 9th centile.

So while he is at the shorter end of things he not short at all!!
between 1 in 4 and 1 in 10 people his age are shorter than him!

Why are they picking on him? It’s like picking on the size 12 girl for not being a size 6, when there are still loads of size 14 and 16 girls. It doesn’t make sense.

Is this really happening or is he being hyper-sensitive for some reason?

I would be having a really really close look at what he is consuming on social media and find out which friends are obsessing about this.

because this (including going to the GP) is a big overreaction to a complete non-problem .
This is self-confidence issue, not a height issue.

Two of the most loving, caring and funny men I have ever met are extremely short. One is my DP, the other is one of my best friends. Neither were short of GFs in their youths, and both are in really happy and stable relationships now.

I also knew one very short man in his early twenties who wasn't especially pleasant, and had a huge chip on his shoulder because of his height. The two very short men I love don't have chips on their shoulders at all It all boils down to personality once you get past school, I think.

I hope your DS comes to terms with his height, regardless of what it ends up being. He's doing everything he can in terms of exercise to help with body image, which is great. Keep an eye on his nutrition, and try and convince him that personality is just as, if not more important than his height.

I don’t think you ought to be worrying. Given that you’re both short, he’s likely to be short too.

My DH was barely 5’ tall when he turned 14, so 2.5 inches shorter than your son. His father is 5’10’’ and his mother’s 5’8’’ (poor childhood diets, too), so I have to imagine that this was relatively more concerning. He was also unusually thin. I have to say that they did a really good job of never mentioning it, not medicalising it, and not encouraging any particular sports or exercise practices.

He’s now 6’1’’, so it’s only ever something that his old school friends remember. Your son probably won’t be that tall, but he might surprise you. You could reassure him that he has many years of growing left to do! I teach first-year university students and was musing yesterday on how much some of them have grown since last autumn.

People can not want to date people for all sorts of reasons. I am a very tall woman and have only had very tall partners because I never ever felt "girly" enough as a young woman and heard a lot of negative comments about my height growing up which impacted my self-esteem. I'm not sure that seems me unworthy of respect!

OP it can be difficult growing up for those who are on the edges of normal - both sides! However, it's absolutely at its worst at your son's age. You care so much less as you get older and have other things to worry about.

I am a teacher and have definitely noticed some boys get lots taller in their final school years. I also know lots of short young men who always have a girlfriend on their arm. It's definitely more about confidence than height.

i’m 5’9 and had a boyfriend who I guess was 5 2 or 3 (It never occurred to me to ask, because it is irrelevant). I completely adored him because he is an amazing person! We aren’t together any more but he is still my friend.

Your son can choose to be sullen and resentful over his height, or he can realise that nobody worth knowing cares how tall he is. In a way, it will be good because he will quickly separate the wheat from the chaff.
Even if we accept his height is ‘an issue’, and obviously I don’t, he has to either rise to the challenge or crumple up and waste his life moaning about something irrelevant.

I've known a few people like this.

A friend in my teens/early 20s was only 5'3". He had a growth spurt when he was over 21, and ended up 5'8" - still on the short side, but not massively so.

He'd got a 10-year passport when he was 20, and worried people would think he was travelling on a fake one!

No and yes, I kind of agree with you. I am actually not bothered but it is just some men do like to be tall. He honestly wouldn’t care though tbh, nothing much bothers him, but you are right, I’ll take back my crossed fingers.
I would not say that of my daughters, no, but one of them would wish for that and the other one would wish for a smaller chest but this is just something they joke about. I would actually just wish for them all to be healthy, which, sadly, they are not.

"Yes short men do their children a disservice by seeking women even shorter than them because this just compounds the problem for the next generation"

You win the award for the most crass comment on this thread!

We fell in love. Our children are loved. What a thing to hear we've done him a disservice....honestly, I'm gobsmacked.

Nothing to add on the potential height he might attain. But I am on the short side and have always had comments such as, 'Aren't you small?'. My reply - 'Only on the outside !'. That usually shuts people up and makes them smile
If your son is getting comments about his height at the moment, it might be useful for him to have a few kind/fun retorts under his belt to help him feel in control of the situation.
If he grows to the height he wants then fine, if not, then he will have got used to handling other people's unhelpful comments in a non-defensive way.
Unfortunately when some people see that you are bothered by their comments it makes them do it even more.

P.s. it might not be appropriate for his age but there is a You Tube channel called SBSK (Special books for special kids). It is a heartwarming series of interviews with children who have severe body issues/illnesses etc. They often come across as lovely, charming and likeable individuals and it shows that physical appearance is only a small part of who we are. It also made me thankful that my lack of height is nothing compared to what these kids are dealing with.
I know that will be no comfort for a teenage boy, but I recommend anyone to watch this channel anyway as a way to understand and accept difference.

I've woken to so many messages. Thank you all very much (well, most of you 🙄) I don't have time to reply to everyone but I appreciate all your input and insights.

I agree it's about confidence, being comfortable in your own skin, and realising that you are who you are - we talk about comparison being the thief of joy A LOT, and that given how talkative and insightful he is, there's bound to be other, taller boys he knows who wish they were more like him.

We have an open, frank dialogue and I'm glad he tells me this stuff. He's sick of the banter around being small at school, which I get, but he also acknowledges that lots of other kids get 'banter' aimed at them too - basically those kids who don't fit the Instagram filter. And, there are also all those kids who internally are struggling with things that we don't see. We talk about ALL of this, about confidence, kindness, being a good person and how you show up for others and in the world - and he understands. He does. But he's also 14. He wants to be fancied, and for his 'crushes' to be reciprocated. His priorities as a teen don't always match with adults.

He does a lot of sport, and I think maybe getting him personal trainer at the gym - if he wants one, I don't care if he goes to the gym or not - might be good. I talk A LOT about nutrition, and I'm a great cook, so he knows what he needs to eat.

Thank you. I had a moment of weakness about it all and it was good to get it out and have some feedback.

As long as he'll be taller than a fair few women I don't think he'll face any issues. 5 ft 11, which is only 3 inches more is considered tall. He needs to work on what he can change physically, cleanliness, biceps if he wants, a good hair cut, clothes etc. But the main attractive quality will be his personality.
Girls tend to like smaller boys ime of schools.

My ds was tiny compared to his friends and was ridiculed for his height however he didn’t take a growth spurt until he was 15 and didn’t stop growing until he was 18. He is now approx 5ft 11, which is taller than his dad and myself. Dad is 5ft 9 and I’m 5ft 8. He is still smaller than most of his friends but not by much whereas before they were all head and shoulders above him.

My husband Dad is around 5.9 and his Mum 5ft - he is 5.5. I do believe there was concerns around 14/15 but his Mum refused any treatment for him at the time.
My husband has always owned his height he knows he’s a short but he’s confident with it. I fell for him not his height. That confidence, his sense of humour is worth more to me. And he has always seemed to have a girlfriend through his teenage years. I know it’s harder for teenage boys, especially as they seem to grow so much later! My own daughter year 10 the boys seem to massively be different in heights from 5ft to 6ft!

I’m taller than him. Yes usually my type would have been a 6ft plus man - but I wouldn’t change him.

That comment is utterly ridiculous. As if we're all supposed to be seeking out gigantic partners so we can churn out 6 foot tall sons. Height doesn't matter! Men don't have to conform to some arbitrary beauty standard any more than women do.

I know I’m a female so slightly different but I was the shortest in my class until the age of 15…..and I’m now 5ft9. That puberty growth spurt might not have kicked in yet.

His parents are both 1 inch shorter than average, and he’s currently 1.5 inches shorter than average. It’s really silly to be spending any time at all worrying about this. I can understand him worrying about it, as he’s a teenager and worrying about silly things is par for the course.

But I really think you need to stop indulging it for yourself OP. Taking him to the doctors and talking about going private show that you care about it way more than you should, and you’re just reinforcing to him that it’s a problem when it isn’t. I’m not saying you have to just cut him off from talking about it at all. But the message coming from you should be that he’s about the height he should be given his genetics and he’s not that far below average anyway. If he’s being picked on, work on his self esteem because boys will pick on anything and it’s not really about his height at all. Telling him you’ll look into it further and talking about how he might yet have a growth spurt and reach average height is just making him feel worse about where he is and cruelly getting his hopes up.